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I’m just a woman standing by a pile of laundry asking my man to notice me... (self.RedPillWives)

submitted by poleywoleywoley

The magic of my last post has worn off. Can I vent? Mr Poley is working hard at mo (as he should be and hasn’t always) and studying most nights. I know he has to do this. Im pleased he’s doing it.

I’m supportive. I bring brews and leave him to it. I take an interest in the subject and listen to him talking out his plans. It’s good he’s giving it his effort. I really am behind it. I bank rolled it. I did my masters while working full time. I know it’s hard.

After the kids are in bed, when I’ve not got pole class or cardio I’m at home. I do the chores, I pole, I shower, I read, I scroll a bit. I pass out.

But I’m his time away from the laptop, when he’s having a break, I’d value some company. But he’s just sat scrolling on his phone. Or fires up the PS4. It’s what he wants in his down time to unwind. I don’t complain any more. He only gets defensive when I have in the past and that’s worse for any intimacy right?

I don’t watch TV. I don’t play video games. I do scroll, but I limit it. My eyes limit it for me tbh! After a bit I just can’t see.

So last night I’m sat with him, while he scrolls again. He’s showing me lame clips on YouTube he finds hilarious. I could not give a fuck. I’m watching, I’m listening, Im chuckling. I want to be amused. But I’m not. It’s moronic crap.

I feel neglected. Fucking put your phone away and talk to me. Look at me! Can you even see me?

Oh he made a big fuss of me when I got back my trip last week. He’d fucking missed the family powerhouse. He was feeling the strain. Since the day after I returned, normal service is resumed.

Sorry babe can’t chill tonight got to study. Have you seen this thing I need? Would you mind doing this for us? Sorry babe I don’t have time. Can you? Have you? Would you?

I am fucking accommodating. But I am accommodated out. What is in it for me?’

He’s happy. Our marriage is a dream come true for him. I hear it endlessly how lucky he is to have me. He’d be lost without me. I’m a legend. I’m awesome, thanks for all I do. (Some women don’t get this from their husbands I know. I’m lucky too. )

Of course he is happy though. His life is a breeze. He gets to pursue his passion in his job. I have made that possible for him seeing how unhappy he was in his old career.

I pay the bills, he earns pocket money, no financial burdens. He basically just has a debit card and spends.

He cooks. He actively enjoys it. Cooks for fun. Otherwise if it’s happening in our family, it’s on me. I’m horny as hell these days so he gets all the sex he can cope with. 2 magnificent healthy, confident, high achieving kids that adore him.

As far as marriages go I bet there are plenty men working a lot harder for less.

Sometimes I envy other women. I have a friend at pole. 10 years older than me. She’s happy. She doesn’t work. Spends her day keeping horses, working out and in the spa. Looks after their teenagers. Always on vacation. Always a great big smile and holding a glass of Prosecco in a glamorous location.

I want her life. Ill never have it. I’ll always be the workhorse in this marriage. Everything I want, I’m going to have to get for myself, as I always have, after I’ve finished looking after everyone else.

I married for love. A man whose company I enjoyed above anyone else’s. Who made me roar with laughter. Who was the life and soul of any party. A man who made me feel cherished. A man that made me want to be a better person. A man that was passionate in the bedroom. A man that other men enjoy hanging out with and other women flirt with. He wasn’t a bad choice. He still isn’t.

My friends would tell me I’m lucky I picked a good one and remind me of their own tales of woe and poor choices.

Over the years I have wondered if I should have been more strategic. If I should encourage my daughter to be more strategic in her choices.

Left him lounging in bed again this morning while I’m up with the kids. Standard. He’s tired. He’s grumpy. Told me no sex before he’d even opened his eyes. So I just get up do breakfast, get on with the chores, service the kids. (Not today though, today I’m typing this. )

Fucking notice me. The woman lying next to you in bed. Look at my face. Touch me. See me!

So he has plans to go somewhere with our Son today. So it’s me n the girl having a girlie day. Nothing. A. Happen until he gets up though. Then I’ll rub his shoulders, stroke his back, make his coffee and sit fucking quietly amusing myself until someone needs something again or it’s time to go out.

Self care self care self care.. only goes so far. I’d love some non self care.

Thanks for listening. Advice? Criticism? Sympathy? Clearly I’m going wrong somewhere and need to do yet more differently.


[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I’ve told him. He asked if I was ok so I told him I was a bit meh from spending so much time on my own at home and in my office. He’s now in a shit with me. Interrupted him when he started going off in one about being sorry he neglected me. He was slamming things down and flapping his arms. Interrupted to tell him I didn’t say that and that was it. I disrespected him. How dare I? Do I ever think about his feelings? Stomps out to buy bread. That went well. I’m a bitch. I’m in the wrong. He’s done what he always does and neatly spun it back on me. It’s about his feelings now.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years7 points8 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Nah, he's being immature being in the wrong forgetting about treating his wife like his wife. Interrupting him isn't disrespectful if he's disrespecting you by yelling and "flapping his arms" and slamming stuff on the table.

Sigh. No wonder you feel this way.

Another way of rephrasing is I guess to ask him why. "Why is it that when you are destressing it never comes across your mind to turn to talk to me?" Is what I'd want to say to him in your situation. But to self answer that, maybe it's because he is so spent he cannot spend emotional and intimate energy on you at all. I usually phrase it like "I need quality time more often" or "I need sex more often" and leave it to him to understand that. If he gets defensive, I think it's fair to say you understand but he wanted to know why you're not happy and you're telling him. Then ask yourself how you think he will respond in numerous ways, and come up with strategies to handle all of them while putting across the respounding point that you are doing your best to be respectful and considerate of him, but you have needs to feel loved and wanted and desire his company. Idk

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

That’s my view. He feels crap about himself so snaps back at me. It’s immature. It’s diversionary. It just avoids the subject and puts me on the back foot. He does vent a fair bit to me too tbf. I find it very draining. I just want to have a laugh and kick back with him. I need fun! I was made for fun lol Thank you.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

What did you both used to do for fun? Maybe initiate some activity when he is in down time , or bring up the idea that you'd like to do X and see if he comes around to surprise you. And try to have fun anyways. Sometimes when I'm being the grump my fiance will make light of the situation. I might not always appreciate it in the moment but he wears me down lol. Np. I hope things get better for the two of you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We used to just go out anywhere and everywhere and have a blast, it didn’t really matter what. The kids and just life don’t make that as easy as it was. But yeh, when he’s not annoying me, he does make me laugh. Also another way to distract me though!!

[–]RStonePT0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

If it helps, I wager that this was a class conscious woman who resented her husband for not being Sarah's, husband.

All the other issues, while there, were 5/10 issues ramped up to 11

And the self care was her making herself ready for then beau #2 saves her from her life of ignoble adulting.

Without that elephant into the room, the ladies here would have knocked those problems out of the park.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

i am missing something here. i cant understand what youre saying. maybe im just naive, but if i were in her shoes i d probably be upset too. i think, but i dont know. because im not ignored by my husband.

[–]RStonePT0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh, I'm not judging her at all. It seems perfectly reasonable, and most would do the same thing in her position.

I mean, lets say the reason he was focused so much on those studies and potential is because he wanted to give her that pony ranch she wants. How would that change the dynamic? She implied that he was just doing all that stuff in his own selfish desire to do, whatever he wanted to do.

Would that change how she felt about the situation at all? She wrote less about his reasons than she did about her best friends hobby ranch, I think that's telling.

then again, he may just be a slob fucking around and it's exactly how she says it is.

[–]i_have_a_semicolon27 | Married | 7 years0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't think he's a slob, but he's not focused on the big picture. You can't make your wife happy with a pony ranch that you can't afford NOW but putting in the work NOW so she can get it in the future. You have to focus on being happy now, too. The future is not guaranteed, all we have is the present. She is envious because her friend is happy. That's all she can see, is that she is currently happy because she has a stress-free life and gets to go on vacation. I don't think you need money to go on vacation or live stress free. You do need time though. And he's spent on time. But he can also work harder to make sure she's happy at home with reduced stress and more quality time spent. I think he's very internally focused because maybe he wants to provide for them in the future, but forgot there is a now, and the now is important too.

[–]organicsunshine8 points9 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

You guys are in a rut. You have two choices. 1. You can continue to emotionally divorce yourself. We all know this leads to long winded ugly end. Or 2. Change your behavior. Stop complaining and start solving. Set more boundaries and demand he does as well. Set expectations , make clear roles and responsibilities and tell him what you want out of your lives together. In turn, you have to turn off the resentment, envy, and the "breadwinner" attitude and go back to partnership mindset. Sounds like you are both stressed and depressed. You both need to stop drinking at home.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I know you’re right. Changes are being made. Boundaries are being set. I’m just frustrated with it all I guess. Maybe realising there is only so far I can go? Don’t really know what made you mention drinking. We’ve only done 3 bottles of gin since April 🤪

[–]McLuhanSaidItFirst8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

only done 3 bottles of gin since April

organicsunshine is dead on the money. alcohol is a stimulant and removes inhibitions/self control while stimulated: a recipe for disaster/aggression. it's also a depressant, both of mood and physiology, so you feel dopey and sleepy. the depressant effect wears off first, so it's easier to wake up in the morning after drinking, because the stimulant effect is still acting.

alcohol is kryptonite for frame control. powerfully destructive effect on self control (frame). the effects of loss of frame (arguments, misunderstandings, relapse into old behaviors that discourage you and keep you both stuck) are negative and echo for weeks.

alcohol is a depressant. do you want to be more depressed? drink more alcohol. do you want to be less depressed? drink less alcohol. 1:1 correspondence. how much depression will satisfy your need to be depressed? that's how much you should drink.

double down on the doyle, unless you think there is another approach out there that works better (let us know if you find it). stop looking for happiness from him and find your happiness in doing the right thing, because you are seeing results. you deserve a lot of credit for the progress you have made so far.

dashdotdott is also right:

Being an RPW doesn't mean doormat who doesn't communicate her needs. It does affect how you communicate them. As in tell him your problem: you feel ignored and unsupported. Words of praise aren't enough. You want to spend time with him beyond sitting next to each other or sex.

have you tried all the steps in _ Fascinating Womanhood _ ?

especially the one about how to ask him for things ? you have a legitimate right to ask him for certain things: time, sex. you could really have fun with this, because the fascinating womanhood steps are so powerful. you have a lot of potential power in the relationship, but you aren't using it as fully as possible, and the proof is in his behavior. that power will surge through you when applying the fascinating womanhood skills. use them on him mercilessly. it's really an unfair advantage, men are so pathetically easy to manipulate.

I guarantee it will work, if you throw yourself into it, wholesale, and don't let up. you just haven't found the assortment of feminine wiles and charms that work on him, and used them day in, day out, until you get all the results you want.

you're furious and seething. you want to tear him a new one. take that energy of frustration and use it to power your determination to conquer him emotionally by making yourself irresistible in every way. Irresistible - not just sexually, but when you make a request. if you give him the best experience of married life possible for you to give, and then ask him for help, why would he turn you down? Make it a project, go at it in an organized way, and track your results with different approaches. do an a/b test on everything: "if I do it like this, he does that. If I do it this other way, he responds better"

anything worth having is worth working for. if he was the perfect husband already, you would still have to be doing everything according to doyle to hang on to him, so in most ways there is no difference between how you should act now and how you should act when he finally wakes up and takes the wheel. you might as well be the best captain's wife possible now. why would you wait? when he wakes up as a result of the doyle you give him, his smv will start to soar and you will be worried about staying ahead of him. give yourself the luxury of a big head start on him, you'll be glad you did later when other women are paying him more attention.

i hear you: you feel neglected. the reason FW works is that it takes advantage of not just his masculine personality, but your feminine personality. you can't act lovingly toward your husband without eventually feeling loving toward him. love is what makes this all work. the thing is, it's not a zero - sum game. it's not the case that you will be depleted if you act lovingly toward him without getting back what you want in return. that's not love, that's a mercantile exchange. if you love him in practical ways with all your heart, and see him happy, it will make you happy because it is in a woman's nature to love. if you are following your nature, and feeling loving, you will be happy and serene. from that place, where you love him, you can then ask him for what you want in a way that makes it likely for him to respond. love spent doesn't make you poorer in love; it makes you richer in love. the question is, do you want to love him, to get the ball rolling, or are you going to sit there, suffering silently, waiting for him to love you? you have the power right now to turn this around, if you choose to use it. passivity leads to gin, and we all know the effect of that.

celebrate what you have. you could be a single mum trying to find a guy who will love your kids as much as he does.

digging up the seed to see how it is growing will prevent you from getting a harvest.

you're on the right track, keep doing what works. patience.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Oh you do make a lot of great points, you do. I do still have so much work to do and much to learn and assimilate. It’s a lot of effort. I could be a sad lonely single Mum. One of my bffs is. She’s desperate for what I have. I don’t believe I would be though. I’d be a single mum sure but I’d be co parenting with him and able to live my own life pleasing myself. I wouldn’t be struggling. I wouldn’t be looking for a next. He does love me. The biggest reason I have never left before is his devastated face as his world crumbles down. He is devoted. Like you said people want we have. It’s pretty great. Maybe I take it for granted. No one is perfect. I do so much for him. Too much. He is pampered. All obstacles are removed from his path. He’s a bit like a really helpful teenager. Yes it’s probs better to work on it than give up. I’ll say it again you make great points. Lots to think about. Thanks

[–]McLuhanSaidItFirst4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I do so much for him. Too much. He is pampered.

You can't pamper him too much. Pampering is good.

the problem is you are doing tasks that are his, not yours, and calling it 'pampering',

and you are neglecting to persist in asking him to do certain things that meet your needs.

You're on the right track.

But talking yourself into thinking you would be 'ok' if you left him - you're playin' with fire, there, lady.

live my own life pleasing myself

You are pleasing yourself, now, to the extent that you are playing the martyr instead of working the FW steps. Believe it or not, drinking even a little will reinforce that attitude. You think that more selfishness would make you happy. It won't. Re-read FW and work on inducing/enticing/requesting/asking him in a feminine manner to take over gradually more and more. He's a drunk captain, true, but until you are totally 100% active in the FW steps/tools every day, you're a little bit of a drunk first mate yourself. But there's no shame in that because you are aware of it and working to change your behavior. So stick to the plan.

I’d be co parenting with him

Nonsense. Coparenting is no where near as good as both together, it couldn't be. The practical complications alone will eat up a good part of your week and your serenity. Let alone, you will be miserable with loneliness, and the grief and insecurity it causes children to lose the family home stability, etc., etc. knowing you could have prevented it. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

He's a drunk captain. He needs to sober up, but it happens slowly, step by step. You have the key to wake him up but you have to be proactive. Why would you passively stand by the laundry instead of making a plan to arouse him with FW to wake up? Maybe you are still getting some kind of payoff from being passive : you get to point the finger, and try to get sympathy, while not doing the work that will wake him up. I get it, you're tired. The FW steps will take some effort but they will energize you and relieve your fatigue, not add to it.

Married Red Pill guys have a saying about righting the ship: "the grindingest grind you will ever grind". I tend to think that men and women have parallel processes: the Cock Carousel, for example, is just as damaging to men as it is to women, but the difference is it damages men in their masculinity because they have to sacrifice their integrity to rationalize denying their responsibility. likewise, when one wakes up before the other, it's difficult no matter who wakes up first - man or wife. However, I wonder if women have less difficulty waking up a drunk captain than a captain has in getting a first mate to attend to duties. Men are so simple and easy to manipulate. Just give him the comfort and respect and love, and ask for what you want. Secret Two says that men are very sensitive about their masculinity and taking care of their responsibilities to a woman is the core of that. Ask him for what you want in a feminine manner and he'll be putty in your hands if you have pampered him enough with the things that feed his masculine nature. Doing things he should be doing erodes his feelings of masculine strength.

I'll let you in on a secret: he knows you think of him as a teenager. The two of you may not verbalize it, but it is impossible for it to not be an unspoken secret agreement between the two of you. It corrodes his soul. Set him free from that role. Tell him you need his help, and then step back and let him fail if it comes to that. Just keep telling him when you need something done. Not the same thing over and over, but one thing at a time, praise and thank him for his masculine abilities and hold off on the next task until he is following through consistently on the last one you gave him.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

much of what you say I can just nod and agree. It’s true. I’ll add this though. I know he knows. It’s no secret. There’s very little that’s not been said when I fell apart last year. I’m not passively standing by the laundry. I am rarely passive in any sense. I have a plan, goals, changes. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating in the moment. There’re is stuff I’m handing back to him and I’m doing a daily gratitude thing with him. See I really feel like I’m talking about a child now. No sticker chart 😂 Co parenting -just really meaning I wouldn’t be s true single mum. We would still both be involved and responsible. Clearly it’s not the ideal. But it is an option that works for a ton of families. I still have work to do, I’m not giving up He’s just shagged me silly. Thank you for being lovely xx

[–]McLuhanSaidItFirst2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m not passively standing by the laundry.

and

I’m just a woman standing by a pile of laundry asking my man to notice me...

congrats on the shag !

There’re is stuff I’m handing back to him

great! now continue to Doyle him thoroughly every day, and just keep doing it !

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

😂😂 It’s just a catchy title based on where I was stood when I picked up my phone... I will! Start again tomorrow. Thank you

[–]IUsedToBeAFed6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I had a husband and 4 preteen children who never seemed to appreciate the clean towels, clean underwear, the always present bananas, milk and cereal, dinner on the table at 6:30. and all the other things that they just took for granted. I did not feel any sense of gratitude, and in fact, felt disrespected on many occasions.

Then I just stopped for awhile. My kids were complaining. Mom, I don't have clean underwear! I said, did you put then in the laundry chute? Or just drop everything on the floor of your room, and expect your T shirts and underwear to magically show up clean in your closet?

I did the same with my husband, since he seemed to join with my children in the disrespectful behavior. No bananas, no milk, no clean towels? Forgot to pick up your stuff at the dry cleaners? OOOPS!

It was all because I was busy with my job, and also doing so much volunteer work with our church, a reading program at a low-income school. Amazingly enough, they became more grateful and respectful. And just started doing their own laundry, and runs to the supermarket. :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeh I go on strike occasionally. Starting to get better and living with the mess while I wait but it’s hard. I need order around me!

[–]dashdotdottEarly 30s, Married, 8 years, 10 years total2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Have you told him? It sounds like he is busy (just like you) and when he's done he needs to veg (hence the scrolling or video games). My husband is one of those who thinks that because we are in the same room, we are spending time together. But that doesn't work for me, partially because I need touch (my love language is physical). Your husband might think the same way.

Being an RPW doesn't mean doormat who doesn't communicate her needs. It does affect how you communicate them. As in tell him your problem: you feel ignored and unsupported. Words of praise aren't enough. You want to spend time with him beyond sitting next to each other or sex.

Also, with the other woman from class...remember that she's showing you her best face. You don't know her troubles.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He’s back. Told him again I’m sorry I interrupted him. He welcomed it, said thank you and it’s ok. And that he’s sorry too for ‘whatever I did’ All good huh. Nope. Ugh. What’s the point? I’m better off just going through the motions and switching myself back off again.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

First reply below! Gonna get on with lunch and bury it 🤗 thanks for support x

[–]Mollariz2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

'Do you remember me? I'm the one from the registry office".

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Pink floyd... wall film. Smashes up the room...

[–]Mollariz2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's what his wife says to him when he spaces out.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I recognise that, is it from a book or something or song?

[–]sleeping_on_my_arm1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I feel ya - I’m a husband and dad and I hate being phubbed. A couple’s time together in this hectic world is limited and precious, and phones steal that time away.

You are not asking too much to have one on one time with him without phones. At the same time, he sounds busy and might get defensive if you catch him by surprise.

For the one on one time situation maybe try this - “I’ve been trying to think of ways we can have more one on one time that could fit in with your busy schedule. I know you need time for school and I’m so happy you’re doing that. But I’ve been really missing our one on one time. Do you think this week instead of watching YouTube, we could [whatever makes you happy]?”

For the life satisfaction situation - it can be nice to have a date with your spouse where you talk about your ideal life together. Not in the sense of “I’m not happy now because I don’t have X” but “I’d really love to have X in our life someday, but it seems so far away, how could we do that?” You could probably pull off a wine-filled European vacation if you tell your spouse that’s what you want. Most likely your spouse wants you to be happy, but they they don’t know how to help you without a little guidance from you.

Good luck!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. I just gotta be patient I guess while he does his thing. He’ll be more present soon enough I guess. We do have stuff planned. He’s like a happy puppy now he’s been up and been out with the boy. He’s just an arse when he’s just got up. He’d already bollocked the kids and I should have known better than to open my mouth. Should have just said I was tired. It’s true enough. Thanks.

[–]g_e_m_anscombe1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is the problem that you want to hang out with him and he would rather be on his phone or that you feel that you own too much of the stuff around the house?

If it’s the former, I would ask: do you have friends of your own who you recharge with? No husband is meant to be a substitute for all of our friendships. If you are going out and doing things he enjoys (and coming back in a good mood), he’ll start to come with you.

If it’s the latter, start training your kids to take over some responsibilities at home. Your older son is 9 if I remember? That’s old enough to do laundry and dishes. If your husband sees you managing the house and teaching the children to be helpful repeatedly, he will either (a) continue relaxing because he really is totally stressed and needs a break or (b) come and help you because he wants to be a part of the family activities.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was frustrated today as we get very little time together and when we do, he wants s screen. In general I do far too much round the house but this is changing. Kids too. They’re actually amazing me what they can do. This week they all learned how to change the water in the fish tank, even hubby. I just gotta stick at it right. Thanks x

[–]OneTonWantonWonton0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are 1 step away from hypergamying and I don't think I'd blame you.

Has he given an explanation? Have you tried just bending over naked? I find that pretty hard to resist from my wife, myself.

[–]Squirrels_Angel0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is it possible he is often complimenting you but staying distant not because he has it made but because he loves you but feels rebuffed by you. How do you react to his compliments. Do you say yea yea or do you sincerely accept them. There was a time where I was like that and it was my perspective that needed to change and when it did I spoke to him honestly and cried alot a out missing us time and we work on it now. The first step I made was to force myself at least once a day to VOCALIZE a compliment or an I am grateful for thought. After a while we found we squeeze in time naturally now even though he has his hands full working full time and full time college with a young kid. Now that we are in the final semester I am really counting down. But it sounds like your spouse is trying to find time like with the youtube videos but you have so much negative thoughts you are subconsciously rebuffing without the words. It sounds crazy but the forcing yourself to vocalize a positive thought really will help. Now I find positives all the time even though he is crazy busy.

[–]coconutismyreligion0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry but, you should expect more from him if you are paying all the Bills

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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