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FIELD REPORTNo nagging is true respect (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Theflowerswillbloom

My husband (age 28) and I (age 26) have always naturally had a 'red pill' relationship, however at times I have been prone to nagging.

But recently, I had this inner revelation that I in no way want to control my husband. I don't want to ever nag him or try to change his mind, and always want to just be truly honest and genuine. I believe that this is how I can show my husband true respect, and it feels as though everything is so much simpler.

Here are a couple of recent examples -

A few times a year since having children, we always have some tension around visiting my family. While they are polite to eachother, my husband doesn't really get on with much of my family (particularly my mum). Because of this, he understandably doesn't often want to go and visit them. With young children I don't feel confident doing the journey and visit alone, and he doesn't want me to either.

Usually I would keep going on about how much I want to visit, how we can make it work etc. But this time when he asked about visiting soon, I simply said something along the lines of "I would really love to visit my family for the family gathering. If you think it would be possible with your work schedule and we can go, there is no obligation for you to join in with seeing everyone. If you don't think it will work, then I understand". I truly meant it (no manipulation), and I left it at that.

He looked at how best to do things, and we are going (with no disagreements) which I'm really pleased about. When I thanked him; he told me that he will do the visit as he knows it will make me happy, but if he feels obliged to do something, it steals the joy of giving for him. I completely understand him.

The second example is about our children's bath time. Because of my husband's shift work - sometimes I bathe them, and other days he does. I wanted to do something a bit different in our routine, and where in the past I would have tried to convince my husband to do it the same as me, instead I simply just said "I'm going to do bath time with the girls like this, because of this reason. I don't mind if when you do bath time you do it differently". And again, I meant it. No hidden meaning.

He had obviously thought about it, and agrees with me about the change. This wasn't my intention, but I think just respecting him enough to let him decide how he wants to do things actually opened him up to re-evaluating how we do things.

I know that this is so simple and obvious to many people, but it's definitely something that I have had to learn. I'm looking forward to always continuing with this genuine and pure communication, with no hidden meanings or agenda.


[–]biggy_sauce58 points59 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I think that you've got yourself a healthy and long lasting marriage.

Instead of making problems out of nothing, and arguing for a living, you took a step back, kept your mind open to different points of views, and came up with a solution that both gets stuff done, and keep you and your husband happy.

I'm a guy, and i can't stress enough how the nagging is offputing, i've seen it first hand with my parents, with some ex's, and when i see it in public, it angers me more than anything, to the point that if i was the guy being nagged, i'd just walk away and never look back.

[–]Theflowerswillbloom[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you.

I love your second paragraph there, that is totally the revelation I had. Our communication is so much simpler, and I can tell how much my husband appreciates it.

Growing up with a nagging mum I picked up some bad habits without really stopping to reflect on what I was doing, so I'm pleased to have identified it and made changes.

[–]valleycupcake11 points12 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I just wish I didn’t have to nag to get him to do simple things like brush his teeth or pick his clothes up off the floor. I wish I had listened to this sub about vetting! I honestly thought he would get a bit more tidy once married life domesticated him. Nope, he showed me who he was gonna be when we were dating and now if I want it clean I have to trail behind him and pick it up myself.

[–]secretladyaccount1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Why do you "have to" nag him to brush his teeth? What would happen if you didn't?

[–]valleycupcake0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

He doesn’t brush at night unless I get on his case. And he has a habit of only brushing in the morning when he’s about to go somewhere, which can be gross if we are at home for a while first. I mean his teeth are gonna fall out of his mouth. Vet your guys, ladies! Lacking in little habits is a sign of lacking in big habits.

[–]secretladyaccount0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean, if you feel that this would ideally have been ruled out by vetting, no one is forcing you to stay. It sounds to me like you're saying you wish you had never gotten involved, which is fine, just be real with yourself about whether you want to be in this situation or not. It sounds like you're saying if you were wiser this would have been a dealbreaker.

I had a partner who had poor dental hygiene. Sure enough, a bunch of his teeth broke and he had to have a boatload of dental work, and now he takes care of his teeth. In fact, this happened twice (both serious relationships where we were living together). Let people learn their own lessons. It's one thing to be like "I'm not going to kiss someone with repulsive breath" (don't say it like that, of course) and have natural consequences / boundaries that might motivate him to get it together-- but thinking you need to run someone's bodily functions for them? #1) you simply can't prevent someone from taking poor care of themself or harming themself-- which I feel equipped to say as someone who has had severely mentally ill and/or suicidal partners before and had to just let the situation go and be thankful for every day-- and #2) I bet you would both be a lot happier in the long run if you laid these burdens down.

However, the cleaning thing seems more reasonable since if you are the one who wants it clean, you cleaning it, while not ideal, is at least serving your own interests directly.

[–]StopcryingFistUrself15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Amazing!

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Men want to make their women happy, but when the constant whining and complaining about it is all we hear it turns into more of "look at what you don't do for me". Rather than what it is, him doing something he really doesn't want to do because he loves you and wants to make you happy. Left to their own most men will do what their wives want out of the appreciation she will have but if we are made to feel like a bad husband for simply not really wanting to, it has the complete opposite effect.

​

It's a small distinction but huge in the psyche.

[–]Theflowerswillbloom[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When my husband and I spoke about this earlier, it's pretty much exactly what he said!

[–]Andropomorphine6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you found the formula for a long lasting relationship. They always say a nagging wife is an unhappy wife. Don't see unhappiness in your relationship at all. Most men's minds eventually switch off after a while when their gf's/wives nag continuously. In my case I became disinterested in anything my ex-gf had to say even if it wasn't nagging because i had gotten so accustomed to her whining and complaining.

I broke up with my ex gf eventually for a variety of reasons (including nagging). I know I am not a perfect man, but instead of nagging she could have used a different style of communication. it's been 2 years post-breakup and we still communicate. I explained to her that one of the many reasons I broke up with her was because of her nagging. She confessed that she did that just to cause chaos (to get what she wants), but also expressed that she regrets that she was a nagger. I don't regret breaking up with her and never will get back with her again.

I just hope other women read your post OP because this culture of nagging could mean the difference between a successful and healthy relationship or a dysfunctional relationship

[–]chiickab00m4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Our of curiosity did you ever let her know during the relationship that she nagged and how you felt about it? Did you offer a solution-different style of communication?

[–]wtf_is_taken 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

I find this works both ways too. As a husband if I ask my SO to do something with a time quantifier, and she does not do it. I either do it myself or drop it. The need to control can kill relationships.

[–]Theflowerswillbloom[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Absolutely! This has taken me time to learn, but is so true.

[–]floofy12 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You posted this at the perfect time. Where I would speak my mind and demand answers if someone in my life had hurt me, my partner often expresses the desire to do this but then either avoids it or forgets to follow up on the act. I'm currently wrestling with the urge to nag my partner to bring up something his friend did (with said friend), but am realising this is because of MY judgement of what he should do and my own sense of justice. I'm determined to not mention it again even though it's spinning around in my head angrily because I want to be respectful and not be a nag - it's his decision and he's his own person.

​

If it was a big issue, I'd communicate it to him, but I think it's just getting some control over the hamstering over little things that we deal with differently that's been difficult lately, so your post came at a brilliant time.

[–]Theflowerswillbloom[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm pleased you found it helpful :)

You are totally right - "it's his decision and he's his own person". I think it's okay to mention your opinion once, but then leave it with him. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and it's his issue to deal with (if he chooses to).

[–]silver_strand2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fantastic! Loved reading this.

[–]samthecre8tor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re crushing it. Great job. 🏆

[–]IreneCarter922 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have had some back and forth with my man with small things that really shouldn't have been that bought up. But I wasn't accustomed to the housewife role. I really stopped bothering him about the small things in our household. Thankfully he did take notice of the small bits I do for him. He's been nicer ever sice.

[–]ISOanexplanation2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Stories like yours in this sub always make me happy and give me hope for my own future as a twice-divorced (both initiated by me) 55-year-old man.

I’ve thought long and hard about why the women I’ve loved have generally had control issues that resulted in nagging and picking fights with me for what appeared to me to be invalid reasons. I suspect at its core it’s a residual struggle based in biology. For much of humanity’s existence the mothers who were unable to get their men to provide for them and their (shared?) children were in serious danger of not surviving the coming winter. I think female partners who starved their men of love, gratitude and sex were often able to coerce them into being better providers by making loving contact with them transactional.

We see this today still in expressions like “Happy wife, happy life,” and “Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” On one level I think these exhibit our society’s foundational license for women to abuse their families, but on another level I sympathize with women’s fears of abandonment and poverty.

If not for nagging a prehistoric hunter/gatherer mother could be risking death with a poorly providing male. Hunting for meat, being a largely male duty, was important to the women and children of the tribe’s survival. Of course now most of us live in such comparatively staggering luxury that none of us will starve. But that ancient transactional behavior is still there and if the curtains are the wrong height for the credenza I suspect that the resultant female rage is the result of ancient genetic fears about survival.

[–]the_smart_donkey1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Similar thing that is a big deal for me is when the woman doesn't need my help. Yes, she can be as independent as she wants but when I don't feel her need for me to help her I don't get emotional stimulation in return when I do do it. If I feel that I am needed and I fill this need then I feel great. On the other side when there is no need something to be done, and doesn't matter if I do it or not no stimulation is present when I complete it. Is like whatever. Bottom line : When I see a need and I fill the need I feal great.

[–]DonutsJunction0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for this post. I have a really hard time with this. My man and I are currently in a LDR and I have to ask him every now and then to be more expressive with his affection. I want to have my emotional needs met but I don't want to nag him and I want it to come from a genuine place.

[–]Marie_19860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ugh I needed to see this! This is amazing and just the type of advice I was looking for. I love my captain don’t get me wrong but sometimes I wish he would just listen to me the first time lol... these are some great examples for me to use!

[–]Samatic0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nagging is a sign of disrespect. After reading the comments, I didn't see this word mentioned much. If you lose respect for your husband the relationship will fail. So its up to you which direction you want your marriage to take. Also men can only take so much and then its by by. Thats coming from one...

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I wanted to do something a bit different in our routine, and where in the past I would have tried to convince my husband to do it the same as me, instead I simply just said "I'm going to do bath time with the girls like this, because of this reason. I don't mind if when you do bath time you do it differently". And again, I meant it. No hidden meaning.

One suggestion. Ask for his opinion, and change your framing. Saying "I don't mind if when you do bath time you do it differently", coupled with "I'm doing it this way" but having zero discussion comes across as dictatorial, with a side of condescending "but I'm permitting you to do it your way when on your time."

No hidden meaning, sure: it's very openly uncompromising and dictatorial. Which isn't what you want in a healthy Captain-First Officer relationship... unless you're trying to be the Captain.

Of course, that's just how your words come across the internets. And I'm just saying that's one way a guy can take them.

EDIT: To be clear, here's why I wrote the above.

He had obviously thought about it, and agrees with me about the change. This wasn't my intention,

You didn't intend to make it a discussion. You're blessed because he took it as one, and not as you challenging him for leadership/being dictatorial. But make no mistake; what you are doing may backfire, because he'll eventually realize you're not asking for his input. When that happens, I can see one of two results: a) he stands up for himself and demands more respect and leadership and consultation (discussion), or b) he lets you keep dictating how things are going to roll, abdicating his leadership and losing your respect.

Either way, you're setting yourself up for a fight. Be very careful.

[–]Theflowerswillbloom[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was wondering if someone would take issue with how I worded the bath time comment, as I totally understand how it may come across.

My husband often feels like I ask permission or make a big deal about silly things, which he doesn't like. In the past, I would have made a simple idea (in this case, bathing our children every single day rather than every other day) into a mountain, when in reality he doesn't really care. I would have made it a big discussion - asking for his opinion on what I should do, and trying to get him to see things my way if he didn't.

The way I worded the statement I believe shows my husband respect, as it was what my husband has been wanting me to do more. My husband actually complimented and thanked me for how I'm approaching things recently, and said it shows I'm more secure.

Of course I would never speak in this way for a big decision, but for small things such as bath time, my husband actually prefers it. I understand that this won't be the case in every relationship though.

Edit: I do really appreciate this comment actually, as I never want to slip into trying to be in control. I have found that the more respect I show my husband, the more I have grown to love and admire him.

Also edited to add: please note that I'm British, and I find that we talk a bit differently than people do in the US (I'm not sure where you're from). Of course you may still disagree with me, I just wanted to mention it as I have found things I say here are sometimes interpreted a little differently than I intend them to come across.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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