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Hello, I am a long-time lurker and have decided to ask a question.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have lived together for 1 year. We are not married, it's not something I am personally interested in (I know that this doesn't necessarily fit the red pill ideal.)

I've always known that he and his mother were close and have tried to be understanding. However she loves home buying and decorating (she used to be an estate agent) and in his last house ( I was there half the week, every week), she practically picked all the furniture and decor which he has brought with him to our home. So we both moved in together, he owns the house whereas I do laundry etc. and pay what I can (I work full-time but was a part time student until recently so didn't have much money and have some debt from helping my family). His mum comes over once a week to clean the house (something I disagreed with and the plan was that I would do all the cleaning so he wouldn't have to pay his mother once a week. He had agreed but changed his mind after we moved in, as she cried about it).

Anyway, we are in the process of decorating the house and my fears have come to light (fears I had discussed with him previously). She is deciding the wall colour, type of paint, room layout (merging the dining room with kitchen) and even how to do stuff like bush trimming etc. I can't stand it and today I feel like I mean nothing, like my opinion is just worthless to him. He asked me to masking-tape the skirting (ready for painting) and he told me how to do it and I said 'sure I'll help but I'd rather do it this way'. He wasn't happy so I said 'I'd prefer to do it this way' He burst out "She knows how to do it, she has experience!! Listen to what my mum said" Obviously she had told him to do the skirting this weekend and how to do it etc. And he took it seriously.

I don't know if I'm being crazy for disliking his mum being so involved in our home. I understand that I don't own the house or pay much, so I've mostly been accepting of his ideas. But his mum has so much power over the home, when she cleans the house we're both at work and I feel like she's deciding what she wants us to do etc. I love my space and privacy, my family are very different and non-intrusive.

I'm not sure how to explain this to him, I have tried to before but he doesn't see it.

Sorry for the long wall of text.


[–]thatbadlarry42 points43 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Mama’s boy and coddling, nosy codependent MIL alert. They don’t sound like they have a healthy relationship whatsoever. She doesn’t respect boundaries and he doesn’t have any. This would really bother me too. It’s insane to cry cause your 30 year old son doesn’t you to clean his house Could you and she have a heart to heart? If I found out my meddling was causing issues in my sons relationship I would be backing off. I think you need to talk to her about this lady to lady.

[–]FRedington7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A set of sub-reddits including: /r/justnomil /r/justnoso /r/justnotalk and others are focused on issues of Cluster-B personality disorders. It appears to me that OP's post ties directly to these issues. Go have a look.

For background see the Wikipedia articles cited below:
You might benefit from reading a set of sub-reddits about Cluster-B Personality Disorders:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_B
Specifically:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

As the saying goes:
You can dump a momma's boy easier that you can a momma's boy spouse. And both of these are easier than changing a momma's boy.

Good luck.

[–]party_dragon1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Could you and she have a heart to heart?

Are you sure that will help? His mother isn't her problem... his mom is his problem, and he is her (OP's) problem... She needs to get him on her side, so that then he can deal with his mom.

[–]Buck2240 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

He loves her more than he loves you, period. He will choose her over you until the day she dies. Momma's boys never change.

You think it's bad now? Just wait until you have children, she's will undermine your every decision.

[–]dashdotdott9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You think it's bad now? Just wait until you have children, she's will undermine your every decision.

I was thinking the same thing. Of he can't maintain his boundaries now (and blames you when you point this out), he never will. Marriage won't fix this, having kids will make it infinitely worse, living together is bringing this to the fore.

Harsh reality is that you either need to accept that his mom will always be involved and he won't stand up to her or you need to realize that you can't play second fiddle and leave.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You think it's bad now? Just wait until you have children, she's will undermine your every decision.

I would hope OP wouldn't have children when she has no plans to marry. That's the worst of all worlds.

[–]HB32343 Stars12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I personally believe that being a mama's boy is a terminal condition unless the man chooses, on his own, to do something about it. No woman can make him decide, no matter if she tries with honey or vinegar.

Both he and his mother view you as a guest in the home and not a card-carrying stakeholder who gets a vote. They are a united front.

Therefore, I think if you wish to be in a relationship with such a man, you must be willing to bend to the family dynamic where the mother is Queen Bee. She is his captain and she is your captain now. You must honor her opinion and if you wish to push back, it must be to her directly, in a submissive and sweet manner, and you must be willing to do as she says.

If this idea curdles your blood, cut your losses. It doesn't change and it doesn't get better.

[–]gscheit38 points39 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think you’re justified in feeling that is a bit too much. She cried about not coming over to clean her grown son’s house anymore? That’s completely weird

[–]thatbadlarry15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s bizarre. Seems like a really codependent and unhealthy mother-son relationship.

[–]nothingmatters94 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s hilarious

[–]TippyMonster16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you should reconsider the relationship. You already told him how you feel about the cleaning and the decorating but he still buys into his mothers manipulation (or maybe just plain chooses her opinion over yours). You’ve already told him how you feel and he’s barely taken any steps to help make you feel comfortable with the situation and if he has, one complaint from his mother is all he needs to change his mind.

This may seem like a really small issue, but if she is THIS involved in only the decorating of the house how will she be in other aspects of his and your life together? What about if you have kids? What if there is an accident? What if you guys plan to make a big investment in something?

From what I could gather from this story, if your partner hasn’t changed already (after all your patience and understanding) it’s likely he will never change. Ask yourself, is this something you would be willing to deal with for the rest of your life?

[–]far_arden12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Have you spoke to him about how this makes you feel? I notice you explained how you discussed that you would clean the house, but have you sat down with him and spoken about the situation in totality?

[–]Vectorable 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have had a few discussions, explaining that it doesn't feel like our home when his mum has so much input and he listens to her more than me. He thinks I'm attacking his relationship with his mother when I talk about this subject. I've explained that we're meant to make this a home but he says 'his mum has similar tastes as him' or 'she feels like she's being pushed out of my life'.

I was very unhappy with the house cleaning issue, he knows I don't like it when she's over for 4 hours and snooping or planning the decor (what I imagine she's doing). I've told him that I feel bad for not being able to pay much (I've always been honest) and that if I can take responsibility for all the cleaning, then he wouldn't have to pay his mother £200 a month. He agreed It took one conversation with her crying for him to change his mind, after I moved in! I don't think I would of if I'd known.

[–]far_arden16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would have said try to be understanding, but I feel like you already have. It seems as if he buys into his mother’s manipulation or just has such a strong relationship with her, it’s hard for him to make distance between him and her.

If their relationship is too much for you, I would reconsider your relationship with him. It seems as if he won’t change, based upon what you’ve told me.

I’d still try to have another conversation with him and explain how it has made you feel, and explain to him what you’ve told us.

Also, have you spoken to his mother about this? By talking to her, you both may find common ground.

EDIT: I’m on your side, in regards to how you feel, by the way. It would be too much for me and since I want to be a housewife and clean/decorate the house myself.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't think I would of if I'd known.

What in any normal world makes you think that a girlfriend trumps a blood parent? If you don't want a more serious relationship (no marriage) then why would he elevate your desires above his mother's?

[–]party_dragon-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah you two each have more problems than US politics. You kind-of deserve each other, neither of you having any boundaries...

(1) You don't need to feel bad for not being able to pay, unless either (a) you fucked up your life somehow (i.e. you should be able to pay, but instead spent it on drugs, or didn't finish Uni because you were playing video games, or something similar), or (b) you wanted to live beyond your means (i.e. it was your suggestion to move into a house you cannot afford). If neither one of these is true, and you're both contributing according to your own means, and you're only living this life (which you cannot afford yourself) because he wants you to, then he has no right to blame you for that, and you've no reason to feel bad.

(2)

'his mum has similar tastes as him'

So what?! If he was a decent man / partner, he'd want to consider your own taste, regardless of whether he's delegating his taste to his mom (or anyone else). Instead, he basically expects you to just bend over and ~give up your ass~ be happy about anything he says (or that his mom says or basically anything that comes with his blessing). Is that the kind of relationship you want to live in?

(3) For how long are you going to be willing to spend time in a situation that is suboptimal for you, where noone cares about you as a person, when you basically don't have your own home? Grow a spine, please!

[–]pssiraj8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Just try to be more understanding! /s

I think you and him need to have a long talk when she's not there. It's your house, not hers. As much as she wants to be helpful, it's the house both you and your partner live in and if you have kids it might be one they'll share with you. This is not something you leave to someone who has experience, you need to make your own space.

[–]Vectorable 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have had discussions with him, explaining how it makes me feel but he gets defensive. I don't mind her help in regards to 'this plant is dying as it has x disease' or 'I think there's a damp issue, you might need to peel of the wallpaper there to check'. But when it's 'remove that wall and make it open plan' when she knows she's taking about removing my favourite room in the house and he's probably gonna do it. Then I'm not happy.

[–]pssiraj6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Looks like she's trying to maintain her position above you as the closest female to him. Seems unhealthy, as others have also pointed out.

[–]pssiraj3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just had a thought: I don't think your partner's mom would ever respect your relationship with him unless you're married. Now you've made it clear that you *don't want to, so either you would have to cut her out completely (which your partner doesn't seem to have any intention of doing), or move on and find another partner with a more supportive family. I don't see good options here.

[–]Thestereotype1018 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Have you considered moving out? I know it wouldn't be ideal, but I think it is the minimum you should do. Your partner and his mum need to realise that this isn't the stage of his life where he is making decisions with his mother. It is the home you and he share and that's where the decisions should be made.

It also shouldn't matter who is paying for it, you guys have decided to live together, the fact that he pays for it shouldn't give him more of a say.

You certainly aren't crazy for disliking her level of involvement, your partner has far outgrown the stage of life where his mother is cleaning his home or choosing the paint colours. You guys are meant to be a team, and that team should not include his mother.

[–]Vectorable 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have but I have no where to go and can't afford to. Plus there are good qualities, not that it's outweighing this situation. I have told his mother 'to cut the apron strings', she knows how I feel.

See, that's where I feel uneasy. I hate not paying my way and I always feel guilty for him paying for the house etc. I've said this to him and he says not to feel bad but he has said (and his mum) that this isn't my house.

[–]SFAdminLife3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’d advise you never to get in a relationship that leaves you with no way out. You are an adult. You should able to support yourself and not rely on a romantic partner to put a roof over your head. Get yourself straight first. You aren’t married to this man and do not contribute to the property. There are bigger issues here than his mother, but I do think she’s got some serious codependency issues and control issues that are red flags.

[–]Thestereotype1010 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it's understandable that you'd have nowhere else to go, this was a planned move so I could see why my initial suggestion wouldn't work for you.

You guys need to be on the same page about who's house it is. Would it be worth directly talking to his mum about the cleaning and just explain that it's your home and that's part of your way to contribute to the household so she won't be needed any longer? I do think you need to have a serious talk with your partner to get him on the same page in regards to where you both stand and what your expectations are of eachother. It won't be helpful for you if he is telling you one thing and his mum another.

[–]SFAdminLife3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh yep, I had this same problem! Mil tried to play “wifey” all the time in our home. It was seriously sick. She lived only ten minutes away so that didn’t help. It took some strong words of warning from me. I told her to back the fuck off, clearly and concisely. When she didn’t, I made sure she no longer felt comfortable meddling in our home. The last time this happened, I was home sick from work. My car was in our driveway! I watched her take out a key on our Ring cameras and let herself in our front door. I came out of the bedroom yelling that I had a loaded gun, which I sure did, and whoever had broken into our home better get the fuck out before the police arrived. She waddled her fat ass out the front door without a word lol! I had my husband get the key back that she had made and that was that! Best of luck to you. Jocasta-like mils are the worst!

[–]cldp21070 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love, love, love this ❤️🤣

[–]leftajar1 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's your home, not hers.

She probably feels like she's helping, maybe wants to feel useful and involved, but she's usurping your own enjoyment of your own space.

Maybe try telling your guy, "This is our home; we live here. It's our space. I'd rather it be personalized to us and our wishes, even if it isn't technically ideal."

[–]brynbo131 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Maybe you could introduce the idea of a compromise on the housework thing where you and his mom can take turns cleaning on alternate weeks. I know ideally you would want her 100% out and you 100% in, but if you could work out a 50/50 split then that should help a bit until the whole power struggle is settled. It’s fair and if she didn’t agree to that, then maybe it would open his eyes to how unreasonable she’s being about the whole thing.

I was in an LTR with a mama’s boy in my younger years so I definitely feel your pain! Does she have a husband of her own to take care of? She just sounds like she really needs to be put in her place and start worrying about her own household and keeping her nosy ass out of yours!

[–]mandoa_sky1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

is she a r/JUSTNOMIL?

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Two issues.

1) Mama's boy. She'll take priority over everybody in his life. Except, potentially, for a wife who steps up and asserts her place. But you are a....

3) Girlfriend. You don't have rights to jack squat. HE owns the house. Family comes over girlfriends. And you have stated, for some reason, that you don't want to be a wife.

Okay, you're not. Welcome to all the (lack of) privilege, responsibility, and authority that comes with NOT being a wife. You're free to do your own thing, but you get little say in anything.

Not being a wife still appealing to you?

Also, is your aversion to not wifing because you don't like the institution (there's really virtually no downside for women these days) or because you don't want to wife HIM? Because the latter I can understand.

[–]unixygirl 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy Link

wait... you’re living with a man and you’re not married to him?

girl that’s you’re mistake right there.

what do you mean, youre not interested in marriage? are you stupid?

the man OWNS the house and as you age and he decided he found some hot thing he can remove you from the house and guess what? you get nothing, doesn’t matter how much you’ve helped him pay for the house, it’s not yours, it’s his...

[–]PrettyBlueMushroomModerator | PrettyBlueMushroom[M] -2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You don't need to insult OP to make your point.

[–]unixygirl 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

I guess you’d rather this sub not advocate for traditional family values at the best interest of OP and instead tone police members of our community?

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

RPW is a way of interacting with men to achieve our goals. It is not specifically about family values. Don't get snarky with the mods because of what you assume the sub is about.

( u/prettybluemushroom )

[–]cldp21070 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Run away! His mother will never stop meddling. I have a daughter after a whirlwind romance. Now I’m just waiting for her to be old enough and myself in a secure enough financial place to leave. At one point she moved in and it ended BADLY between us. We went to therapy, but he just doesn’t get it. I have cut her out completely and he just resents me for it. PS, it’s been 5 years of hell.

[–]onlinelauren0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe there's a reason you aren't drawn to the idea of being married to him.

[–]werthtrillions0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think watching this would be super helpful..... tread lightly with this type of mother. Good luck!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50FbeazFkgs

[–]TradiWaifu1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The only hard no that I see here is the house cleaning. She shouldn’t be cleaning the house, especially when you guys aren’t there. The rest is stuff you can work out with the mom, leave him out of it.

[–]aDrunkenWhaler-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This comes from a guy... Ever though that maybe you feel worthless because you kinda are?

If you want to gain some respect and credibility, why not earn in instead of complaining and expecting to receive it by default.

Want to get rid of her cleaning up the house? Have it impeccable every time before she arrives. Or even better, always keep it that way. She won't have anything to do. I'm guessing here, but if he even pays her to come, maybe he has good reasons for that. Maybe you are doing a shit job and he just wants a clean house.

Also, if it was her job to decorate houses, and knows how to skirt and paint and do everything, why would you want to do anything differently except out of your own ego and insecurities? Put yourself in his shoes, you bought a house, and want to put more money into it to make it a great place to live in, would you listen to someone with experience you trust, or your girlfriend, that knows fuck all about decorating houses, just because she is your girlfriend and throws a tantrum.

It mighy be true that he's a mommas boy, but you said nothing about what you bring to the table in the relationship, which makes me think you don't bring much, which might be a good reason why you feel worthless. Why not change yourself?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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