My(24) boyfriend(28) acting weird after I confessed my feelings.

MathGirl17 · 2019-08-23T13:44:50+00:00

Personally I think any relationship that causes anyone this much agonising soul searching and questioning this early in the game, is never going to get any better. What you are getting now, is what you will continue to get. If that's what you want, go for it. If not, tell him you're not thrilled by the way things have changed and unless it returns you are out. And mean it.

Buck2240 · 2019-08-23T14:01:29+00:00

Sounds like you were right when you called it if the first time. You have nothing in common except you met at church, you're afraid of his temper after only a few months, and now he's being emotionally distant to punish you.

Your post suggests you are only ever together in public, am I understanding that correctly? He shouts and loses his temper in public when you "do something wrong" does not suggest great things for any future wife or children of his.

StroopyLoopy · 2019-08-23T13:39:46+00:00

Sounds like he's holding out to try to get you to cave. In a manipulative sort of way.

I'd be wary of marrying someone whose only personality trait you know is their explosive temper.

Trust your gut

RubyWooToo · 2019-08-23T15:26:28+00:00

Do you feel that this man loves you as Christ loves his Church?

Do you want to bind yourself legally and by your vows to a man that you don’t trust?

KathrynHogan · 2019-08-23T14:11:33+00:00

RUN.

Theendisnearornot · 2019-08-23T14:11:53+00:00

It sounds to me like you are having mixed feelings. On the one hand, you do seem to like him or at least like the attention he gave you. There is also the mixed up emotions of wanting to be married and maybe this is the one chance and what if you walk away from that? On the other hand, you are seeing some red flags and concerns about this particular man.

Personally I don’t believe someone that cares about you yells at you if you “do something wrong”. I like Pastor Mark Gungor’s take on hear types of issues. Courtship & dating are the times you are head over heels and everything is wonderful. It rarely gets better than that - you get along so well and it’s just heaven on earth. It rarely ever gets better than that time in a relationship. If it already is rocky - don’t expect marriage to fix it. You’re already seeing this side of him and you don’t care for it. Don’t allow yourself to be treated that way.

afinepairofeyes · 2019-08-23T14:19:17+00:00

Please please run away as fast as you can. I have been in a position where I felt like I have “begged” for love/affection/attention. It destroyed my self-esteem and my confidence. I went from being a bold go-getter to someone who doubted everything I said and did. I have recovered now, but it was a rough road for a while. If your partner sets down conditions to show you positive feelings, this relationship is already transactional. He should want to make you happy; definitely so early on in the relationship.

I am sorry if I am coming across a little too strong. But I am rooting for you, like all the other people on this sub.

lionliver · 2019-08-23T14:30:02+00:00

Its like hes trying to manipulate you into marrying him. Break it off. You cannot marry to try to make something happen.

allmycatsaregay · 2019-08-23T15:55:10+00:00

No personality and a bad temper? DO NOT marry this man. You will be miserable.

_-_FanGirl_-_ · 2019-08-23T17:52:09+00:00

Also he's kind of a very stoic person and he gets angry very easily

That's not stoicism.

justlibertarian · 2019-08-23T13:55:12+00:00

Look up Narcissistic personality disorder and see how well it does fit.

catipillar · 2019-08-23T17:07:53+00:00

This man does not love you. In the eyes of this man, you meet the criteria HE is looking for. He wants a specific type of woman and you manage to "check all of his boxes."

I am married to an Eastern European man and in his culture, men are also very assertive, very stoic, very cold. It took a long time for my husband to open up to me, but open up to me he did. This is why I considered him "safe" enough to marry. The dynamic should be Captain and First Mate...a Captain makes the call, but he always confides the course to the First Mate. It sounds as if yours is just leaving you in the dark by not sharing his heart with you. This, to me, means that he considers you a useful accessory, and he is now manipulating you into legally binding accessory status.

If you're happy being a useful accessory for life, this man will be fine. If you want a warm and gentle husband who Captains your ship and trusts your judgement, I believe you should wait. You sound like a wonderful woman with a LOT to offer. You will have other opportunities for better.

strwbrywild · 2019-08-23T16:02:38+00:00

From what you have said: Sounds narcissistic and controlling. There should never be an ultimatum for getting married or anything in a relationship Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Emotional abuse and manipulation. Lots of red flags... follow your instincts...

curious_monster · 2019-08-23T17:27:24+00:00

Run. The way he treats you now will be the way he will always treat you. Trust your gut.

Andropomorphine · 2019-08-23T19:06:04+00:00

Whatever you do DO NOT MARRY this guy

MrsChiliad · 2019-08-23T18:04:15+00:00

I've tried to make deep conversation to understand him better and every time he brushes it off saying I'm a simple man, I don't have any special liking or interests.

What a gigantic red flag. Do NOT marry someone you barely know. And I can tell you, you're not really in love with him as much as you're in love with the idea of him, if you barely know him.

Also he's kind of a very stoic person and he gets angry very easily.

Also doesn't make sense. Stoicism is about not letting your emotions rule your life. This is the opposite.

I asked him why he is being so distant he said that He can only treat me specially once everything is confirmed and we get married.

People show us who they are. He's showing you who he is. You're being manipulated into getting serious with this man you barely know. The things you really know about his character are: he's christian, he is manipulative, and he has an explosive temper, which, with you not really knowing him you have no idea how bad this could be. Do you know for a fact he would never hit you? Or try to cut you off from friends and family? You know for sure he's willing to treat you badly to get what he wants.

Get away from him and please work on the things that make you feel insecure about yourself so that you are never in this situation again.

Throwaway_rs001 · 2019-08-23T15:13:45+00:00

Which Asian country?

shockedpikachu123 · 2019-08-23T19:22:13+00:00

When someone shows you they don’t care, believe them

Deontic_Anti-statist · 2019-08-23T22:29:26+00:00

As a Christian I would say a man who is quick to anger is not a man you should marry. And it seems to me this fear you have is your conscience telling you this.

Being a worship leader might be something to look up to but it isn't when he doesn't have the character qualities to accompany that position, then it's meaningless.

As someone who's dated a lot of Christian women I would say that if you don't have anything in common besides your faith then this is not the person you should be with.

If you're ment to be with each other then you'll feel it.

I know it's hard, I know the feeling of loneliness and the lack of romantic love. I'm 32 and I'm still waiting and looking.

Maybe you can be more active. When you see a man who has the virtues of Christ then pursue him.

secretladyaccount · 2019-08-24T10:27:02+00:00

Don't stay in a situation where a guy makes you beg for attention, it will crush you over time. If you tried to explain how you feel to him and he's still doing it, don't make any further commitments.

greysigrace · 2019-08-23T17:03:40+00:00

Hello, I could connect to your story a lot as I think we both live in the same country, same culture and same sect. Though I could not share a lot about my experiences in relationships since I did not met my partner in church, I could share how my parents’ relationship work based on their stories.

They also met in a church abroad and as it was the old times, they limit physical touch as their primary love language. They only date in groups together with their churchmates, maybe you both can try that. Ask your best friend/ mentor or the best person you look up to (maybe your pastor) in church for counselling, invite them in your date too!

Between the both of you, don’t be afraid to tell him what you feel. Honesty is always a top trait in a relationship. Tell him your fears in this relationship. Or you want to know more about him and that you appreciate when he shares little things. Or little secrets.

And if he doesn’t accept it, maybe it just doesn’t go well with both of you and it’s time to end the relationship. Stand for your self worth. There’s a reason for everything. In the end God will teach us a lesson we would learn later in life.

Tell your Pastor or mentor who knows both of you. They can always help in making decisions. Remember to not stop attending church just because of that person. Remember who you are serving.

Godbless! :)

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2019-08-23T19:22:22+00:00

It sounds like you two don’t have actual conversations. It’s just you talking to him and him not saying anything else.

What kind of person has “no likings or interests”. Like seriously, nothing?? That is bizarre, and honestly I don’t believe it is even possible. He is hiding something and your gut feeling is giving you the same signals.

He doesn’t sound like a good partner, and I would say that the vast majority of couples don’t drive each other to a level of screaming anger 3 months into a relationship.

This sounds like nothing you want to be a part of long term.

Krysila · 2019-08-23T19:24:45+00:00

If he's getting angry and shouting at you that's a valid red flag and you should trust your judgement. Be careful as many many women end up psychologically bound in abusive relationships. You'd think it could never happen to you, but it's a lot more complicated than it looks. The male typically behaves "romantic" and a "best friend" in the beginning, only to start name calling, threatening and isolating you from family later on down the road.

After you've told him all your secrets, he'll pin you down. You'll keep trying to make "things work" because you believe there's a chance he'll go back to how he was when you first met him. It was only a facade though. People get stuck in countless repeats of fight and make up again trying to chase that facade.

When family and friends try to help you, you will end up turning on them to defend your male partner. Yes, even your own children (if you have any). This is called Stockholm syndrome. You'll start to justify his abusive behavior: "well he only yelled at me once today, and he didn't hit me he only spat in my face, he's getting better!" or "it's ok, I deserved that, I knew he liked his eggs scrambled and not poached".

It sounds like you might be approaching the beginning stages where you're having to avoid walking on egg shells around him. That's not a good sign. Also his ignoring you to the point where you're desperate for his attention might be a manipulation tactic. Bear in mind that just because he's Christian doesn't mean things will go well. I'm getting bad vibes because of how quickly the relationship started, how the relationship formed doesn't sound good. Christians are good at acting superficially nice, maybe more than any other group of people, but when things get real, the emotions, jealousy etc can turn ugly.

My most important piece of advice for you is to think logically. This is something us woman find inherently difficult to do on average. But use your reasoning and logical thinking skills and completely suppress your emotions and how you feel about him (when you're assessing whether or not to stay with him). Human emotions, promises etc are truly trash unless they can be backed up with action. If a guy says he's sorry and does the same thing again after a few tries. He's trash, move on.

Copypastable · 2019-09-05T04:06:36+00:00

Any guy of value would dump a girl who acts like the man you describe in a heartbeat. However, this doesn't work the other way around. He's making you feel emotions in rollercoasters, and women are into that despite what they say.

Basic red pill knowledge is women are emotional and men are logical. I mean, just listen to yourself, how many chances are you going to give this guy? Your constant clinging likely wore out his mental strength. Give him some space and find yourself some productive non-thot hobbies that can make a man say wow.

Throwaway_rs001 · 2019-08-23T21:11:06+00:00

Sorry, but never marry a “devout” christian. Spent the first 25-30 years of my life as one and have since gone the exact opposite direction, now an agnostic humanist who actually enjoys life. That kind of mind is just too confused with contradictions and lacking in identity to make for a good partner. Reconnect with him in a decade and see where he’s at. You’ll likely be much more fulfilled with someone else by then though, and he as well.