TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

63

How did that happen for you? Why did you think that you wouldn’t be getting married and how does it feel like to be married? Do you think it’s more do-able for most people than they realize if they just knew how??


[–]Kara__El4 Stars47 points48 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got divorced at 23 and, in the South, everyone else is sharing photos of engagement rings and ultrasounds at that point in life. I thought it was all over for me and I'd never have the nuclear family I wanted. I had really low self-esteem and was massively overweight.

Over the next couple of years, though, I lost about 110 pounds and learned to do my makeup and started wearing cute dresses. I did go through a period of about two years, where I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again. It was soooooo bad the first time and I was still literally sleeping with a gun under my pillow. I had a lot of trauma to overcome, and I really considered whether marriage was for me. Then, I realized that I wanted a family. It just clicked. I got serious about dating and I met my husband.

Being married is wonderful. I still have nightmares, on occasion, about my previous relationship, but my husband is a wonderful man. He's hardworking and patient and kind and intelligent and assertive and ambitious and, and, and....

Sometimes, I can't believe I'm so lucky to not be that girl anymore.

[–]bluntbutnottoo11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

After my divorce, I swore I'd never get married again. I felt I lost too much of myself in my first marriage. In my haste to marry prince charming, I put aside every dream that ever mattered to me. When I left the marriage I had nothing. I had to start all over again.

10 years later, and here I am, still sort of a newly wed.

I guess I can say, I grew. I matured. Put the regrets of the past behind me. I looked at my future and felt pretty optimistic. I liked the man I had started dating, and honestly just felt it. Like I could see myself being with him, not just for another ten years, but I could see myself growing old with this man.

Something just kind of clicked. He asked. We'd barely been dating, but I just knew I wanted to do it. The rest, I guess is history? I don't know. But, do know I'm happy. So it's good.

[–]artemis28610 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had a pretty long history of abuse. Once I broke the cycle I wasn't sure I would get married. I just wasn't sure about my ability to heal and have a healthy relationship. I wasn't sure I still had faith that there were good men out there.

I'm happily married now for almost two and a half years, and have a two month old baby girl. It's been amazing to function as a team with my husband, to really take care of and love each other, and to be best friends with him as well. I have everything I thought I never would.

I find that many of my peers (early 20s) lack basic relationship skills. They are poor at communication, emotion identification, problem solving, critical thinking, and self-regulation and self-analysis. It's part of the reason I've spent years studying child development and child psychology, to teach these basic relationship skills with my children from the beginning. I do think marriage is more attainable then most of my peers assume, but it's not in style to think that anymore.

[–]not_the_notebook17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I never wanted to get married until I met my husband. Just didn’t look like a lot of fun the way my parents and family do it.

[–]redwatch956 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I thought I was undateable due to self confidence issues. I thought I wouldn't have the chance to date. I thought of marriage as a huge social contract of obligation and not at all about love. I didn't know a lot of people in loving marriages in their 40s/50s. So I felt pretty hopeless.

I would tell anyone that would listen that marriage is a social construct and is unsustainable.

Then I went to college. I started to date, I learned that the boys were just as confused as I was. I learned that they're human and they want to talk and get to know each other as much as I do.

I met my partner (husband) in college. He's older by a few years and has been through life and post grad life. It feels SO good to have a partner. It's made me change my whole world view on marriage. I don't see it as a social contract anymore. I see it as wanting to do everything together and build a life together.

[–]lawomen1234513 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I use to think this all the time. I would see odd couples getting married and use to think how did that girl get with that guy or vise versa. It use to bring myself esteem down and just thought i was never going to get married. I met my bf now husband when I was 16 he was 20, he was always immature, never wanted to commit, he would say that's for sucker or negative things like that, big liberal, fast foward to 8 yrs into the relationship I get pregnant and he starts acting more like a man, he tells me he wants to do the right thing and start a family the right way. I know its not very ladylike to get pregnant before marriage but thats my story we are going on 6 years happily married.

[–]tinybrightlight9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry for the long response: I wasn’t a rpw growing up, I had a very liberal outlook and didn’t ever think about wanting marriage. I always wanted to be a mother but never put thought into being a wife, so I didn’t really take dating seriously. After grad school I finally had more time to invest in dating and was unexpectedly blessed to find my now-husband. I’m still amazed by how patient he was with me because I honestly didn’t even know what I wanted in a relationship much less a spouse. He helped me figure out that I wanted a traditional marriage but for some reason thought it was too vulnerable to admit. He helped me work through my insecurities and was constantly by my side. I’m not sure what you mean about being “do-able”, as marriage is a very dedicated investment to become a better person for someone regardless of the need. I’ve learned so much about unconditional, selfless love because of my husband and have also learned that I can’t be afraid of my faults because there is no way they can be hidden in this kind of intimate relationship. I’ve learned that marriage constantly demands you self-reflect and correct before you even take action. Even though this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to work for, I absolutely believe that I made the best decision in marrying my husband and wouldn’t wish for any other outcome.

[–]IreneCarter923 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I always wanted to be the "strong independent woman". I had a very good career in modelling. I was making upwards of 100k a year when I quit.

I have no regrets, being a (going to be) housewife, does have it's fair share of criticism coming from other people, especially if you are living in NYC. But I know that they are jealous of what I have.

[–]lilasbaby2[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Have you found a wealthy husband? I've seen some young models on Youtube who quit modelling and married wealthy men & that seems to be the path a lot of beautiful girls tend to take. It's probably the good and smart thing to do

[–]IreneCarter922 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It isn't about the money with him. Yes, he does make 7 figures a year. But that isn't why I fell in love with him. I've never spent his money when I go shopping with my friends. He spends it on me when he wants to.

He was (still is) my mentor. I met him at party when I was 17. He showed me around the industry and made sure I wasn't exploited. He has guided me through all of adult life, from filing taxes and whatnot. I've never had a Father in my life. And if I did, I'd want him. Our sex life is awesome as well. BTW, he plays piano and has 2 cats. That's more attractive to me than his money.

Our first date was just us talking in a park (picnic), where he made me sandwiches and bought an orange juice and read me some short stories from one of his favourite author's (Ruskin Bond).🥰

[–]masterofthebarkarts1 Star4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was certain I was never going to get married. Literally no woman in my close family (grandmother, aunts, mom) were married. Marriage seemed foreign and strange and besides, I was sure I didn't have the skills for it. Actually I was pretty certain I didn't have the skills for long-term romantic relationships at all, so I did a lot of research. I learned about communication styles, romantic styles, anger, jealous, men and women - and eventually, my reading led me here. I've always been fascinated by the "battle of the sexes" so I've read a lot.

The book that really changed my life, though, was "Marry Him" by Lori Gotlieb. I know a lot of people hate that book (women, because they think it's telling them to settle/that they're worthless without a man; and men, because I imagine they see it as a handbook on how to marry a beta bux). However, I interpreted it entirely differently. What I understood was mostly that Prince Charming is a myth; everyone compromises, but that's different from settling; and that we go about looking for love all wrong. Instead of looking for exciting, sexy people and hoping one of them is good, reliable, and wants the same life as us, we should look for those good, reliable people FIRST and then choose someone sexy and wonderful AMONG THEM.

At the time, I was dating a very nice, sexy, funny, wonderful, intelligent, considerate man, but I wasn't feeling immediate "sparks". At that point, though, I was smart enough to know that "sparks" don't last and aren't enough to build a whole life-foundation on. I ended up falling head-over-heels for my (now husband). It took some time for him to come out of his shell but he's honestly just so incredibly wonderful. We don't have the crazy, high-drama emotional roller-coaster relationship and I can't believe how much happier it has made me being with someone who I feel safe with.

I couldn't really believe it when he proposed, even though we had talked about it for 2 years at that point. I'm *still* kind of waiting for him to dump me, but he really doesn't seem to want to! It looks very much from the outside like I "settled for a Beta Bux that I don't really like for his security/money", but that's not at all how I feel (if anything, I "settled" for an Alpha Bux who keeps getting better every year, treats me like a Queen, is SO FLIPPING SEXY and good in bed, and makes me grateful/happier every day that he is in my life).

Being married is amazing, if you're married to a good person. I don't know if it's "more do-able" than most people think, but I do think that if you want a relatively easy marriage, you should marry someone who 1. wants to be married, 2. wants to be married to you, and 3. shares (mostly) the same general goals and lifestyle ambitions. Marriages built on those foundations, while they still face all the outside hurdles and BS, at least have an internal core that is stable, which makes dealing with the other BS much easier.

[–]moon40405 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well for me I thought I would never find someone so quickly that would want to marry me. I'm only 21. I got dumped by a guy after dating for 3 years, he got freaked out when I started talking about moving in together.

My now boyfriend who I've been with for about a year and known for 2 years told me intends to marry me once I finish school. He is very determined to do so and I can tell because of his actions and planning in our relationship.

[–]jayroo2101 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got married two years ago (in my 30s) after never really giving marriage a thought. It had just never felt right, no matter how long a relationship had been going on, until I met my husband.

[–]Nessunolosa1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh, yes.

In college, I had a two relationships before settling in for a long-term, serious relationship. I was 19, and he was 24 when we started dating. We talked marriage and kids, but it became very clear that we were incredibly different people. He developed a drinking/weed problem and I became highly depressed by the prospect of life together (he wouldn't do ANYTHING, not finding a job, not working out, nothing). I was fully indoctrinated with a certain kind of feminism and I felt I had to do it all. I started looking at law school because I knew he wouldn't be able to get or keep a job that would allow us to live as his overbearing parents would demand. We fought bitterly all the time.

Then I went to study abroad in my junior year of college, and I changed in ways that couldn't put us back together. I found myself. I lost all the weight sitting in his basement apartment doing nothing had put on me (more than 40 lbs). I learned a language and got the best marks of my university life and met a ton of new people who I simply had more in common with. He came to visit me (on my dime, as I bought his plane ticket) when I was studying abroad and we had a HUGE fight in Rome in front of the Vatican. We had a good holiday but I realised that his mother absolutely controlled his life. She told him that if he went into a Catholic church while in Italy, he'd go to Hell. He believed her.

When I came back, I should have just ended it. I was young and didn't know better, so we continued limping along for nearly a year. During this whole time, we had sex maybe four times. He refused me asking for intimacy a lot and shamed me for having a libido.

He was vicious to me with his words; I was never good enough. He hated that I had a new international perspective. He repeatedly told me that I "loved being miserable" and that "it's all your fault" when I spoke up about my doctors diagnosing me with clinical depression. He told me not to take medicines and restricted what I could do and who I could see. He retreated to the basement and video games and drink. He was spending $200 or more per week on booze but when I suggested we budget for another international trip together, he couldn't afford it. Then he bought a $1000 weight set from P90X on credit the same week.

But take heed, if you are in a similar situation. Don't drag it out.

I should've gotten out around Thanksgiving when he kept picking fights and we were obviously incompatible. He traveled to Mexico with friends (I couldn't afford a ticket, and wasn't really invited anyway). I couldn't get in touch with him at all the week he was gone. He was with male and female friends, but I didn't think anything of it (Spoiler: I should have.).

When he got back from Mexico he was totally different. He "cancelled Christmas" that year even though I'd been really in the spirit and bought him a couple gifts. This meant that he picked a fight, screamed at me, refused to hold my hand, and locked himself in his basement apartment for a week. After that, he and I had to go to his cousin's wedding. It was brutal. I had to sleep in the same room as his mother, who relentlessly asked us when we would be getting married. Eventually (and quite petulantly), I told her "maybe never."

He refused to dance with me, touch me, speak to me, or have any kind of physical intimacy beyond "honking" my breasts in public (groping me) on and off for the next two months. He would cut off all contact for days at a time, sometimes while I was at his house (I had to find my own lift to university more than once). Eventually I'd had enough in March that year and I broke it off with him.

Within three weeks, he'd gotten together with one of the women from the Mexico trip. They are married now. I should've seen that he'd cheated on me that December, but I was blind until they announced their relationship on Facebook. I found out they were together almost immediately after I broke up with him and probably before (days of no contact, right?). It's not surprising, but he was so wrong to let me believe he was still in love with me during all that time between. He continued to speak about our future and our marriage right until the very end. When I broke it off, he said that he still thought we would get married someday.

As a result of this betrayal, I didn't believe in marriage. I watched a lot of my parents' friends' marriages fall apart at that time, too. At 22, I thought that long-term monogamy was just not on the cards for me.

I'm 31 now, and have been happily married for almost five years (with my husband for seven). By getting out of that university relationship and doing heavy emotional work with myself as a result, I found ways to know what I truly wanted from a partner and marriage. I had help from two short-term relationships that helped me to trust men again. Those ended amiably when it didn't work out for us and we didn't cheat on each other or make promises we couldn't keep. I also had some shitty things happen that made me stronger as a person. I reinvented myself and moved abroad.

Then I got on a bus and met my husband.

It's something that people always say about marriage -- and I absolutely hated it when I was in the "no love, no marriage" phase after the breakup--but it really is true that you just "know." As soon as I met my now-husband, it was clear we would be together (we got a hotel room together that very night, hahaha). As soon as we were together, it was clear we would be married at some point. Getting married was a wonderful day and we couldn't be better for each other. It has to be serendipity. I mean, he just sits down on a bus next to me one day, thousands of miles from where either of us grew up? What are the chances?

But the real answer here is that marriage can be for anyone, and that being in a good emotional and physical place puts you in the best position to take advantage of those serendipitous moments.

[–]vough1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is such a beautiful story. Thank you for giving some of us singles gals some hope :)

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I didn’t give a shit about getting married or having kids until I got together with my husband. He’s the smartest, most passionate, and family-oriented man I’ve ever met.

It also helps that he made it clear that he would not be putting up with any bullshit; I respected him for that.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter