Q4W: You know how some guys are like, “When I wasn’t as good looking and financially successful,” these women wouldn’t give me the time of day ... besides looks and sex, what has that equivalent thing been for you as a woman?

pnadlerlaw · 2019-09-10T14:41:18+00:00

This isn’t exactly applicable to me because I sobered up about 1 month into my current relationship, but:

“men wouldn’t give me the time of day when I had alcohol abuse problems and was extremely insecure and hard to be around” I think applies to lots of girls, especially in their early 20s.

The way it applies to me is, my relationship with my boyfriend would not have survived had I kept up with the toxic behaviour. Sobering up was the best thing for me which lead to being a better person and girlfriend in general.

SqueaksScreech · 2019-09-10T13:07:17+00:00

I see this all the time. Mostly from women who had little to no social life or dressed like a child.

I'm serious many women lose weight, learn to do their makeup and dress more mature. And I mean ditching the bright pink flowy short skirts, hello kitty or skull hoodie, pigtails, and child like shoes. They then start wear clothes that are adult like and better fitted. Men didn't turn their head when someone dressed childish for the lack of better words. They lose weight gain confidence and change their entire wardrobe.

For others who say "oh until I got my career men didn't notice me" well because you never went out even for pizza, you kept to yourself and didn't even try to have a conversation. Now that they have a job that requires them to leave their home, ditch the sweatpants and socialize they get noticed.

Ive seen peoples social skills and the faces they make when someone gets attention and they don't. People still have eyes and ears they can see what's going on.

Edit: the women in my family get a lot of attention. I honestly don't care for it. I still get lots of attention even with a life partner and job.

SparrowInAHurricane · 2019-09-10T13:24:57+00:00

Weight and Nerdiness. As a sci-fi/ comic book fan guys would give me the time of day, but just like a male friend. Not as a potential girl or date.

MrsKetchup · 2019-09-10T16:45:45+00:00

Looks aside, this has always been very real with my career and hobbies. With male dominated spaces, there's always this assumption that a woman doesn't actually know anything about it or just doing it for attention. Being into video games my entire life, people sometimes didn't take my passion seriously. A lot of the "oh you mean candy crush?" type reactions. Now I'm 7 years into my game industry career and can garner a lot more respect.

Same with motorcycling, when I still had my 300 starter bike I was already hooked and loved everything about the bike life. But there's this stigma of women on small bikes as if they're bad riders and that's all they can handle, regardless of the fact I'm hauling ass taking corners faster than others. Now I ride a 1200cc BMW and people are actually impressed, saying I must love riding and be really into it, skilled to handle such a bike, etc.

sparksjoy · 2019-09-10T13:35:51+00:00

Closest equivalent that comes to mind:

"When he was young and le focusing on his career and not ready for anything serious he left me."

For young tradcon women this is a common problem. For many of us the idealistic dream is to prove your LTR potential and find a life partner by say end of undergrad. It's what most of our parents did.

Nowadays most guys our age...aren't ready for that. Even within Catholic circles a girl can do literally everything right and be perfect wife material and the guy can suddenly decide this is too much and he's not ready for marriage and he wants to focus on himself. After they've been sweethearts for like four years. For every one girl who lucks out and gets married right after graduation you have like 5 who get dumped right around that time. I have a friend who's dating a young alum from our school right now. It looks like he's waiting for her to graduate too before asking her to marry him but we'll see how that goes. He's her first SO so I really really hope she doesn't end up getting burned.

Anyways, I digress. So when guys on here are like "she wasn't looking for me when I was young and didn't have money!" deep down I'm like honey be real. Were you looking for her? Apparently many of the men on here were 40-year-olds in 20-year-old bodies who were ready to commit, settle down, have kids, and get the white picket fence. All after finishing adult high school. Bunch of unicorns.

Nodoxxintoxin · 2019-09-10T14:12:52+00:00

Men here always say they don’t care about women’s brains, careers, etc. For sex, I’d say this is accurate. But for potential relationships, this is a crock of shit. I simultaneously tended bar at a very popular, decidedly unclassy place and attended engineering school at a well regarded private college. I can tell you that EVERYONE looks at you differently when they meet you as a bartender and then find out you are in an engineering program, including potential LTR s. Often it works for you, you aren’t seen as a pump and dump party chick. Sometimes it actually works against you, guys figure you are out of their league. Idgaf, those guys lacking in confidence weren’t for me anyway.

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-09-10T15:11:06+00:00

I grew up working class, on military bases. The guys who are in my social scene now would never have given me the time of day before i graduated college and got a SES-friendly career, before I became a little more polished and UMC-friendly

M and I met when I was a 19 year old bartender, when I was at my hottest. But we didn’t get serious until my late 20s, and that’s a big reason why

Almondxxx · 2019-09-10T16:01:54+00:00

LOL I never had that change. Men have always been disinterested. I have never been overweight, I have a classic fashion sense. I never really dated in high school, maybe once in college, briefly.

Ive had Guys tell me I was too innocent. I find that very strange. I don’t radiate sex though, so that’s why. Go figure.

I was never really bothered by the disinterest but I remember feeling self conscious that all my friends were dating in HS. I felt like I was out of the loop or not cool not because I actually wanted to date (?)

As I have gotten older, I don’t care but the innocent comment always bothered me because its a weird thing to say. Lol

Littleknownfacts · 2019-09-10T12:42:36+00:00

More like - now that I'm 30 guys won't give me the time of day. Or now that I'm married guys won't give me the time of day.

Guys are always interested in a hot young thing regardless of what else she is or isn't. But male attention certainly decreases over time.

DitaVonCleese · 2019-09-10T17:21:59+00:00

For me its related to age and my relative standing compared to other women of my age.

The older I am the more attention I get. I am 26 and while my "hot" peers from highschool let themselves go (both men and women) I hit the self improvement path, not only wrt looks but also hobbies and education - not even because of attracting anyone, when I started working, I felt like I am deteriorating and wasting away, so I just constantly try to be better. I also have a degree in stereotypical STEM "male-dominated" field and that earns respect automatically. I was ordinary, but now I stand out in every area.

I also give dramatically less fucks about men and I think that plays into that a lot, too.

Texastentialism · 2019-09-10T13:10:18+00:00

I was ugly in my youth. Not fat (I know some dudes here think that's the only way a woman can be ugly, but that's just not true). I was actually really skinny, but not hot skinny, just the bony prepubescent-looking skinny that makes it seem like your entire body is made of elbows somehow. I had bad cystic acne, really terrible teeth that weren't even able to be fully corrected by braces, and I was a little retarded when it came to dressing and styling myself (still kind of am tbh) so if anything my clothes, hair and makeup did me more harm than good. Needless to say, the fellas were not all up ons.

I was a late bloomer. I didn't look like I'd gone through puberty until I was 17. I finally had a body I wanted to show off instead of hide, so I learned how to dress, with a lot of help from my girlfriends. I got veneers on my teeth and got my acne under control. LO AND BEHOLD, now that I no longer looked like a sentient pile of sticks, boys were interested.

On multiple occasions I went out with my bestie in college and we ran into guys we went to high school with, who would come up to her and say "Omg hi, how are you!!!" and then introduce themselves to me, not realizing they'd gone to high school with me too. That's how different I looked. Then the same guys who didn't notice me at all in high school would proceed to hit on me.

I was never upset about it. It never even occurred to me to be. I spent a lot of time and money on not being ugly anymore, and it worked. Why would I resent it when that was my goal all along?

Edit: Totally missed the "besides looks" part in your title, my b. I guess aside from that I also had to develop confidence and social skills because I was always really awkward and shy (not in a cute way). But guys would still give me the "time of day" when I was awkward, I just didn't know how to reciprocate so they ended up thinking I wasn't interested because that's what my behavior indicated.

poppy_blu · 2019-09-10T12:56:32+00:00

Weight is the only thing I can think of. I’ve had a couple of friends go through significant weight loss and suddenly get tons of attention from men. I don’t see them being bitter about it and complaining that men’s preferences are unfair/immoral though like men here.

yasee · 2019-09-10T17:47:45+00:00

when I was a weird awkward intensely self-conscious mouse

also when my hotter friends were around. FUCK YO EDIT

pnadlerlaw · 2019-09-10T18:53:34+00:00

'When I wasn't a cat person' XD

I had to laugh at that one, bc I married a crazy cat man. I think my insane love of cats is part of what hooked him.We spend every Sunday doing voices for our cats and making them talk to each other. Each cat has a theme song.

Ain't nobody got to change who they are. Just find somebody as weird as you.

I guess the only version of this for me is: When I was almost catatonically depressed, had just got out of in-patient treatment, and for months barely left my house or showered, no decent guy wanted to date me. But a ton still wanted to fuck me. Dudes be gross. I also think emotionally vulnerable women are a bit of a magnet for assholes.

But yeah, once my head was back on straight, nice dudes were pretty easy to find. It really is as simple as finding people with stuff in common that you genuinely like being around. Every other human in the world, basically, is on this internet.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-09-10T15:03:25+00:00

Edit: ladies ... besides looks/sex (it’s right in the question).

lol men dont care about any of the stupid bullshit you wrote in your stupid thoughtless Q. they care about looks/sex and its changes to your looks that get you more male attention, not being a fucking rhodes scholar

pnadlerlaw · 2019-09-10T14:59:16+00:00

When I didn't respect myself/had no boundaries, guys wouldn't give me the time of day. I used to just take what I could get/was a total pickme, would go above and beyond for any cute guy that looked in my general direction. Ever since I stopped giving a fuck about male approval I can't stop getting it.

NewVerses · 2019-09-10T17:15:21+00:00

Most guys would only give me the time of the day when I was willing to dumb myself down and downplay my successes. Not doing so was the best way I found to throw out the trash.

sublimemongrel · 2019-09-10T12:53:35+00:00

Never happened to me but I’m older and have been married/with the same guy for nearly a decade now. So if I was single now maybe it would be harder, who knows. When I was younger and hotter I had an abundance of options of men to chose from and did not struggle getting men to want to be my boyfriend. Dating seems like it would be more difficult now that I’m older and now that OLD is so abundant.

red-priestess · 2019-09-10T16:26:12+00:00

When I wasnt funny, men wouldnt give me the time of day. I used to be super shy in high school and would only joke with my friends. I didnt really joke back and was perceived as serious in high school. No men really talked to me until i started making jokes that warmed them up to me.

TheMedsPeds · 2019-09-11T04:24:23+00:00

Idk closest thing for me was the last time I was single I was 21. I had a lot more competition there with no baggage. I define baggage as being hung up/on-and-off with a serious lover, huge amounts of debt, or kids.

I was widowed last December, so though, yes I have been in love and speak of my husband, there is 0 chance I will drop you to get back with him and have no kids, student loans or debt besides my mortgage.

Contrary to what RP believe (that youth and fertility is all men are looking for) compared to other 29-year-olds, I, an educated, not overweight, truly single, non-mom is a lot more of a catch now there is a lower chance that my peers are in the same situation. Men are delighted when I give them my background instead of like "oh a 19-year old with no kids that isn't hung up on some guy"

So I guess you could say, when being a thin, childfree, truly single, debt free wasn't a rare thing men wouldn't give me the time of day" now I get romantic DM's and guys actually message me on dating apps. When I was 19 I was seen as kind of a plain jane, just another chick, no guys were like "Wait, wow, you have this, this and this AND your on the market????"

NaturalQueer · 2019-09-11T22:04:35+00:00

When I was weirdly awkward loud girl lol, I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD. I like to talk about things I liked a lot like too much, and I wasn't always aware of how loud I was. And I didn't connect long term with people.

Now I am confident, well spoken, linguistics Major with a lot of cool talents! (Thanks ADHD for making it so I cycle through hobbies!) And I am much better at connecting.

Reisiluu · 2019-09-10T13:47:34+00:00

I dressed in men's clothes, didn't know how to use makeup, didn't drink or party, didn't flirt, was also laughed at which made me shy and content to just hang out with my few girlfriends instead of getting to know new people. Then I hit 18, moved to the city and fixed all of the above.

skystar86 · 2019-09-10T15:34:59+00:00

The equivalent is "Men never gave me the time of day before I lost weight."

"Men never gave me the time of day when I was an ugly duckling."

"Men never gave me the time of day before my cosmetic surgery."

pnadlerlaw · 2019-09-10T14:06:41+00:00

in high school I wasnt very popular I only wore band shirts and jeans. I cut my hair past my shoulders. Once I grew my hair out after school I received a lot more attention I even got a "wow you're hot now" from some chad I went to school with.

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flamingoinghome · 2019-09-10T14:22:39+00:00

I was physically something of a late bloomer (I still dress fairly conservatively, but I was downright frumpy until around 19; took me ages to figure out a flattering hairstyle; I have a slight babyface that made me look like an actual kid since I'm also pretty short, etc.). And...yes, I do get hit on significantly more now that I know how to present myself.

But the other thing was actually personality--that change came before the style change (flashes of it when I was away summers and the like), so I can see how it was relevant too. I was really, really shy and anxious through high school, and my whole demeanor read "please don't hurt me!" I had to majorly shed a skin in that regard before anyone found me attractive.

iLiveInAHologram · 2019-09-10T14:50:12+00:00

Weight is the biggest one by far

The only other things would be wearing dresses, make up sometimes, and smiling more (looking more approachable).

Ofourkind · 2019-09-10T15:43:31+00:00

I was just a good old fashioned ugly duckling. I was only ever ridiculed by boys until I was about 17. Puberty treated me very well and the attention I got seemed to make a dramatic shift overnight.

lessabe · 2019-09-10T18:35:50+00:00

Idk if this falls under looks and it’s not that I’ve been looking for it but I’ve noticed since I’ve had a kid I get a lot less attention. Which doesn’t bother me, I’m married but guys STILL hit on me when I was married and childless even with my husband close by...awkward! I guess it’s more respectable to be a mom to the majority of men OR they find me less attractive.

largepaycheckaddict · 2019-09-10T20:34:17+00:00

Is it really a surprise to anyone that if you make yourself more attractive you will see more romantic interest? How did human kind get to this point? It’s like not being sure if the sky is yellow or blue...

lemonfluff · 2019-09-10T21:04:38+00:00

"When I wasn't showing skin / drunk"

slytherlune · 2019-09-10T23:35:46+00:00

To answer this question, honestly, there was never a time I couldn't have gotten someone. I met a lot of people I didn't quite mesh with, and then I decided it must be me and cut myself off for five years. I believe this is called "nun mode"?

doctor_trucks · 2019-09-11T15:00:36+00:00

Men have never really given me the time of day. I've initiated every relationship I've ever had (all 2 of them.)

Maybe that will change someday, but I doubt it.

Agitated_Use · 2019-09-11T19:42:48+00:00

As a bisexual, when I wasn't in a committed relationship with a women these men wouldn't give me the time of day.

Jathrowaway97 · 2019-09-12T02:53:08+00:00

For me when I had acne, and no sense of style I got no play from men. Figuring out a good skin care routine, eating healthier, developing a fashion sense and working out has changed things.

pnadlerlaw · 2019-09-10T13:31:35+00:00

When I was chubby vs. Now

Orange_Paisley · 2019-09-10T16:40:05+00:00

It's "when I was 25 lbs (or however many) heavier they wouldn't give me the time of day."