Can a relationship that ends be regarded as a successful relationship?

passepar2t · 2018-10-18T15:45:34+00:00

Tis better to have loved and lost than be an incel or however that goes.

eliechallita · 2018-10-18T15:27:51+00:00

Yeah, I think so. People change over time, and if that change takes you in a direction that is too different than your partner's then you might be better off separating. I'm not saying that you should walk away at the first disagreement, but eventually you might both be better off separating than trying to contort yourself into a lifestyle that you aren't happy with.

It doesn't invalidate or lessen the time that you shared together, any more than an Olympic medalist's retirement lessens the medals that they earned. The time for it has simply passed, and you're better off quitting than trying to hold to something that just isn't possible anymore.

Salty-Bastard · 2018-10-18T15:48:41+00:00

The majority of relationships have an expiration date. And yes they can all be successful by an individuals personal definition of success.

abqkat · 2018-10-18T15:45:12+00:00

Yes, absolutely. Just like a job can be a success, but need to end or be moved on from. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, some serve the purpose of a period in one's life or companionship through traveling/ college/ loneliness, but are not equipped to last forever. And that's okay.

What I consider to be unsuccessful is something I am currently witnessing in my social circle: couples clinging on to something fundamentally incompatible under the guise of "making it work" or staying together forever, when it so clearly doesn't work. This approach wastes each other's time, potential, youth, fertile years (if applicable), and the ability of each person to find a compatible partner and a happy relationship. My dear friend is with a gal who, on their own, they are each great. But together? They just don't mesh, align, want the same things, or seem to complement each other - and staying together through those hurdles is the true definition of "unsuccessful" IMO

petrichordium · 2018-10-18T15:31:05+00:00

I’m friends with literally all my exes besides one. They have all seen me in the most raw and unfiltered way possible, and it has always seemed like it would sort of be a waste to lose them. I’m not saying you NEED to stay friends for an experience to have been worthwhile in life, but i would say all those relationships have been successful

Barely-moral · 2018-10-18T15:32:32+00:00

If the relationship is a mean to an end, as long as the relationship ends up providing you the benefit you were after then the relationship is successful to you even if it ends.

If the relationship is the end, if the objective is that the relationship endures and lasts forever then a relationship that ends cannot be considered successful.

In the example you gave I don't know what were those people looking after. If they wanted just to have a good time, the relationship seems to be a success. If they wanted a relationship "til death do us part" then the relationship is a failure.

[deleted] · 2018-10-18T18:49:34+00:00

Yes, if

1) you got what you wanted from it

2) you end it on reasonably good terms

3) you learned from it and why it ended

satanhandshake · 2018-10-18T15:34:05+00:00

I would consider my first relationship successful. We were in love (for what we knew love to be at the time). We were good to each other, talked issues out, took care of each other. Was 50/50 most of the time, but there were days she was 80/20 and vice versa. The end was a little messy. We were together for three years and I think we both wanted it to end, but still clung on because we cared about each other still.

It's been about 4 years since we broke up. I think you need a considerable amount of time to pass in order to reflect on relationship to determine what you took away from it. Good or bad.

But after these few years I look back on the relationship and see it as a positive experience, so yes I would consider it successful. (For insight purposes we were both 19 when we got together and 22 when we ended it)

LUClEN · 2018-10-18T22:49:44+00:00

This is a cool thought. I would agree. If I and someone else are great for each other from 2018-2021, and then become different people, breaking it off to pursue relationships w/ people more like our current selves, it doesn't seem like a loss (unless one of us takes the house or whatever).

I think the thing that prevents people from viewing breakups more positively is that they expect eternal love, till death, so anything short of that is uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Pope_Lucious · 2018-10-19T01:46:44+00:00

Yep. Not to be weird about it, but all of my relationships with women taught me valuable lessons.

Kwangira · 2018-10-18T15:40:49+00:00

No, it can not under any circumstance with the sole exception of death.

Don't enter a relationship you're not certain of and don't break it off when inevitable tensions occur. A sustainable relationship is and always has been hard because it continiously demands you to work on yourself.

Anything else is lowering yourself to a wild impulsive lecherous chimp.

SlimLovin · 2018-10-18T15:37:08+00:00

Yes. I've had numerous successful relationships that ended amicably. Most of the time, it's because we realized we weren't going to spend our lives together.

I split up with my most recent ex for exactly this reason--she wasn't the woman I was going to marry. She hated me for a few weeks, but she's starting to understand what I meant. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

Still friends with all of my exes except the one who ran off to Michigan and left me with a mortgage! Some things, you don't forgive easily.

Russelsteapot42 · 2018-10-18T20:17:12+00:00

Of course. The purpose of a relationship is not in fact to still be together when you die. That's religious hogwash.

The purpose of a relationship is to create mutual happiness and support between the two partners. If a relationship created more of that than the pain of the breakup and consequences thereof, then it was a successful relationship to that degree.

Anything else is just measuring yourself against an external and usually arbitrary standard.

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[deleted] · 2018-10-18T15:55:12+00:00

I certainly think so. I credit a disastrous breakup with my ability to have a healthy and strong relationship now. We can't always accurately assess our own strengths and weaknesses until we're put to the test. A failed relationship is a minefield of difficult but vital life lessons.

I'm on good terms with all of my exes, qnd friends with a few. For better or worse, I'm at least grateful we met

[deleted] · 2018-10-18T16:02:15+00:00

If it’s a mutual breakup, yes.

TheBookOfSeil · 2018-10-18T16:03:23+00:00

It depends on what the goal is or was. If the goal was to just find someone, congratulations. It was successful. If your goal was to stay together for the rest of your lives, then it was not successful.

FeO_Chevalier · 2018-10-18T16:42:14+00:00

Depends on the objective. If you’re just trying to get experiences, the sure, a relationship that ends can be a net positive. If your goal is to have children though, the loss of fertile years and years-of-parenting-in-good-health is a pretty big negative. If you have children, the loss of a stable two-parent home is also a big negative. The loss of financial stability that having two incomes (or a live-in home-keeper and child-rearer and a single income) is also a significant net negative in the long-term.

CatchPhraze · 2018-10-18T16:48:34+00:00

Yes. Me and my ex are still great friends. I love him. But not romantically. We fought a lot, wanted totally different lives. But he taught me to be respectful in disagreement. I did the most growing as a person with him. My relationship now would not have the communication without that learning experience.

I'm forever grateful to that man and I hope he finds a partner that can give him the things he wanted. I consider it a success. At the end of it I have a friend I can trust and whom I'd do almost anything for.

thoth5431 · 2018-10-18T16:51:45+00:00

I would say so. Looking back on my past relationships, it was clear that they were right for that period of time but they weren't meant to go the distance. Not everyone is meant to be there forever and that's okay.

Mr_White119811 · 2018-10-18T17:01:10+00:00

“We have this idea that love is supposed to last forever. But love isn't like that. It's a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes, it stays for life; other times it stays for a second, a day, a month or a year. So don't fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don't be surprised when it leaves either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it.” ― Neil Strauss

TauregPrince · 2018-10-18T17:08:25+00:00

Here's a thought, all relationships end.

[deleted] · 2018-10-18T18:08:21+00:00

Sure. You guys never broke up with anyone because going to different schools or anything?

[deleted] · 2018-10-18T18:26:14+00:00

I think calling a relationship "successful" in a summary fashion makes no sense. Relationships are not static, they are dynamic. They might be successful one moment, and failing the next, but still be maintained. The end of the relationship is not its failing, but its destruction.

wtknight · 2018-10-18T19:24:38+00:00

Relationships that end based upon location factors could still be considered successful. Otherwise, probably not, even if they end in friendships.

MamaTR · 2018-10-18T20:36:48+00:00

Hell yeah, you can have a great relationship if you get what you want or need from it for the time. People dont say that a job was worthless if you dont retire from it. If a relationship teaches you something that helps you improve or you get what you need during that time (sex or intimacy) it was worth it for the time spent

[deleted] · 2018-10-18T20:46:37+00:00

Yea why not? Some of my closest friends are people I dated. And even if you have a huge falling out you are now free of toxic people.

mistercheeez-o____O- · 2018-10-18T21:08:46+00:00

no it can't be, but it doesn't have to be overwhelmingly tragic, and it learns you heaps. That may be tremendously positive.

[deleted] · 2018-10-18T21:16:22+00:00

I think a good analogy would be changing jobs. Sometimes you grow and leave your job, change occupations, go to school, etc.
You have learned, grown, re-evaluated and you are ready to move on. Hopefully, you don’t burn bridges and can look back and be grateful for the opportunity you had and the growth you have made.

ratsparadedarapstar · 2018-10-18T21:35:57+00:00

I think an amicable breakup is not a relationship failure. Like most things in life, it’s not that black & white, pass/fail. If two emotionally developed adults acknowledge that they simply don’t fit well in a highly intimate capacity, and can do a controlled landing as opposed to stalling til crash n’burn, then that’s fantastic. That’s a success.

You both grow & learn from the process. You learn more about yourself, and what you may need from a partner that you hadn’t recognized before. How to convey these things. How to listen and be present. List goes on.

Mutual trust, self insight, respect, calibrated expectations & decent communication skills really increase your chances of a healthy relationship and/or healthy breakup.

Texastentialism · 2018-10-18T22:24:41+00:00

I think a relationship that ends is by definition not a successful relationship, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The whole point of non-marital relationships is to test drive a person and see if they're someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If not, then the relationship SHOULD end. It wasn't a successful relationship but that doesn't mean it's some blight on the character of the people in it. Relationships either end or last forever, and the vast majority are going to be the former. Frankly I find this whole line of thinking odd.

killallthenarcs · 2018-10-19T00:22:42+00:00

I learned what I needed to learn about a bunch of things I needed to learn to be free and in control of myself, he finally got the fuck out of his parent's house? I mean it isn't like we were either of us happy for more then the first third of the relationship, but it did the job.

Theseus_The_King · 2018-10-19T00:50:10+00:00

Yes. It all depends on what your goals were coming into the relationship. Sometimes, til death do us part isn't the goal, or isn't the central goal. The goal could be "To know more what I like in a person" , "to experiment sexually" to overcome some fear, anxiety, or trauma/pain from the past etc. Some approach relationships with "if this is the one, than so be it, if not, then so long as I learn and grow from this experience than I am satisfied and it's a success."

When it comes to relationships, or anything else, failure and success are contingent on the attainment of goals, so what constitutes failure/success is based on what the goals where, and if they were achieved to a satisfactory extent or not.

Mr_White119811 · 2018-10-19T02:22:59+00:00

What do you class as success?

exit_sandman · 2018-10-19T10:32:59+00:00

If you want to gauge whether relationships that ended can generally be a good thing, just ask yourself where you would be without that relationship. And as someone who has gone long times in his life without relationships, I can safely say that even relationships that ended can very well be considered successful in the light of perpetual and involuntary solitude - if only because it helps you grow personally to some extent.

Gravel_Roads · 2018-10-19T23:12:59+00:00

Sure. It just depends on what the goal of the relationship was and whether you matched it. I had an 8 year relationship in Philly where I was just super compatible with this girl. We just seemed to have a lot of similar values, where I got her and she just kinda got me in return. We lived together because we loved each other and found it easy to support and improve each other’s lives, and felt good doing it.

After a number of years, we just stopped being compatible in our goals. I wanted to move and explore other biomes and cities. She really liked Philly and wanted to stay. So we shook hands and I moved away, no harm, no foul.

Willow-girl · 2018-10-20T12:53:06+00:00

I think so. For instance, I was married to my second husband for 12 years. He had had a dream of building his own house, and together we worked really hard to accomplish that, starting with raw land and turning in into a real nice spread with a big house and two barns. Later there were things I wanted to have and do but he didn't support me, so I decided to go my own way and pursue my own ambitions. We parted as friends and I do believe the relationship was mutually beneficial (during that marriage I established my career and was helped by the fact that his family had a good reputation in the small town where we lived). We each got something out of the deal.

Betty_420 · 2018-10-18T16:07:57+00:00

If it ends in death, sure.

AllahHatesFags · 2018-10-18T16:15:13+00:00

Only if they end because one of them died or something like that.

hammerhaunts · 2018-10-18T15:45:32+00:00

abaxeron · 2018-10-18T15:24:57+00:00

Yes. For a man.