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SELF IMPROVEMENTImproving yourself while dealing with depression and anxiety (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, sorry in advance for any mistakes I make.

I was going to reply to a recent post about dealing with depression but I cant find it anymore so I decided to make a post about it.

I´ve had depression and anxiety for 5 years. It played a huge part on the ending of the relationship with my ex. We were together for 9 years, we lived together and I thought that we would grow old together but I didn't know how to handle my feelings and he took the toll on it. A few months after the breakup I was doing even worse until one day I didn't want to live anymore.

In my case, depression manifests in the form of apathy. I don't care if I don't shower for 5 days or if the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes. I feel total apathy towards life itself. I don't care about the future, I don´t care about my job, I don't care about anything. Then the anxiety kicks off and I have a panic attack about how I´m a loser that no one will love ever again. You can imagine how fun of a ride it is /s.

Taking the steps to getting better is not easy as you feel total apathy about it. What made me call a therapist and make an appointment was thinking that if I was going to kill myself eventually might as well try antidepressants first and if they didn't work I could always commit suicide.

I am a whole different person now, Im still on medication (and I believe I will be on it for a long long time) but now I have the motivation to improve myself and create the life I want. I hope this helps anyone that is going through a similar situation.

Find the right therapist for you

I went to five different therapist until I found the perfect one for me. He was my professor in college and he is the smartest man I´ve ever met. I like his style as he has this way to make you be completely honest with yourself. We are all different and every therapist has their own personality, you will find the best results if you find the right therapist for you. It helps that I have a diploma in psychology so I knew about the different types of therapist there are, if you want to see one I recommend to first check their areas of specialty and read about them to see if that is what you need.

Don´t be afraid of medication

Mental illness still is a very taboo concept for a lot of people so many of them don't even consider taking meds. As my therapist explained “Antidepressants will help you make decisiones without putting your emotions first” and they did. It is not like im an emotionless robot but it does makes me have my emotions under control. I don't care if I have to take meds for the rest of my life, I don't ever want to feel as I felt when I was at my lowest. Antidepressants make me want to live my life and that is awesome.

Get a support network

Talking with my closest friends about my struggles made them to open up to me and them revealing that they are also struggling with both depression and anxiety. We have a group chat where we post whenever we are having a bad day and the others help us to get through it. Right now we are planning a viking funeral for one of my friend´s cat.

Work on all the areas of your life

My doctor has an approach towards treatment that I really like. It is similar to what life coaches do with their clients. He makes emphasis on the fact that medication is only 50% of your path to healing, you also have to work on different areas of your life. With every prescription he makes you work on these:

*Food: You need to eat healthy and “pretty”. You have to set the table, maybe put some flowers and sit down to eat your food. You should also eat every meal with the company of someone. Drink plenty of water.

*Exercise: At least 30min everyday, better if they are group classes or outdoors activities.

*Sleep: Have good sleep hygiene, sleep at least 7hrs every night, no electronics and no food 1 hour before bed.

*Career: Learn to love the job you have or have a job you love. Whatever you do, give your best on it.

*Education: You need to be always learning something new. Take a class of whatever subject you would like to learn, even if you have never had an interested on it. You might get surprised about the outcome.

*Home: Live pretty. Make your bed every morning, wash the dishes every night and stop leaving your clothes on the floor or a chair.

*Social life: You have to go out with friends at least once a week. If you have a partner, include weekly dates with them on your schedule.

*Spirituality: Have a connection with whatever higher being you believe in, work on it everyday.

*Set attainable goals: Reaching a goal you set for yourself gives you a sense of self worth and give you a self esteem boost. Don't leave your projects unfinished, always try your best.

Alternative therapies

You can also take advantage of alternative therapies like aromatherapy, acupuncture and the like. I really like the essential oils from DoTerra (the one called Balance makes me sleep like a baby).

Get a pet

Pets are awesome! Pets help you take your mind out of your dark thoughts. I cant imagine my life without my furry babies.

There is no magic button that gets you out of depression with one push, but these are steps you can take that will help you get out of it gradually. Don´t give up on your road to healing, there are always new options you can try. Remember that life isn't static, you can always change your goals until you find your path.

To anyone that is struggling with mental illness, feel free to PM me. I´m always open to chat if you need to talk about it. When I was at my lowest I didn't want to talk about it as I felt that I was bothering my friends with my issues. I promise that I won't be bother if it helps you


[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor9 points10 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I´ve had depression and anxiety for 5 years. It played a huge part on the ending of the relationship with my ex. We were together for 9 years, we lived together and I thought that we would grow old together but I didn't know how to handle my feelings and he took the toll on it.

Quoting this to highlight it's importance which can't be stressed enough.

Yes, we'll all be exposed to the ugly, smelly, grimy, burps, carts, bad moods etc from our spouse and they will be exposed to all of that from you. I get it. However, it's my opinion that this exposure should be minimized as much as possible.

This holds even more true in the case of serious mental illness. My wife suffers from depression and anxiety. As much as I love her and care for her, I cannot begin to describe the toll it takes on me. A toll in every which way. Mental, emotional, physical, financial, parenting, community etc. If your mental health isn't under control, I strongly recommend not getting into a LTR at all. If it is under control, be upfront and honest and accept the fact that some won't want to date you.

[–]BigNoseDay2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

🙋 My first relationship is with a guy with depression and drug use problem. I didn't know I was suffering from anxiety and depression at that time. Imagine two depressed, confused, and inexperienced young people in a relationship lol

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Learned it the hard way :/ at least now I know what not to do in a relationship

[–]NewMindRedPill1 Star0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

"Yes, we'll all be exposed to the ugly, smelly, grimy, burps, carts, bad moods etc from our spouse and they will be exposed to all of that from you. I get it. However, it's my opinion that this exposure should be minimized as much as possible."

I don't know how to properly quote but I completely agree with this. Yes its important to open up to your SO but exposing them to 100% of the worst will cause them suffering and might result in the end of a relationship. Its always important to consider the other person's state of mind. If you are close, you being depressed might bring them down too.

[–]Cardiscappa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't know how to properly quote

You can highlight the text you wish to quote and then click reply and it'll copy the text and add the greater than symbol " >"

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Thank for sharing this. I'm struggling with some anxious thoughts at the moment and trying to figure out what (if anything) to share with my husband. I think I'm going to continue following the advice from the other sub and keep it to myself for now.

I hope your wife (and you) feel better soon.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

What to share with my husband

He needs to know general information about your mental state of being, but doesn't need to know every detail.

For example, he should know that you're feeling depressed/anxious today, but shouldn't be burdened with being responsible for walking through the emotional grime with you. Save that for your girl friends.

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

That makes sense. He gets a little irritated if I don't say anything, so I try to let him know I'm feeling anxious (when it's bad) without going on and on about it.

[–]littlepearlisland1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It might seem silly but having a code word for having a crappy day might be a good way to let him know without having to go into all the details. My mother and I did this when I was in high school and needed to deal with teenage angst on my own. On those days she would just give me a hug and let me do my own thing, because she knew I could work it out but didn't need extra stress from her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good idea. Thank you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

trying to figure out what (if anything) to share with my husband.

Something that helped my anxiety is starting a bullet journal. One of the things I record is my anxieties. The next day, I go back and see if anything I was anxious about yesterday actually had any bearing on today. (Example: If I wrote down I was anxious about a presentation I have Friday, that is a legitimate thing to be anxious about). That helps me figure out when there are actually stressors in my life that need addressed. I'll look again a week later and see if something is still lingering. If every single day I'm anxious about hte same thing, then I might involve an SO in the conversation.

I think journalling also helps with anxiety because it forces you to make it concrete- a lot of times anxiety takes the form of a weight on our chests or a black cloud- this makes you give it a name and a reason.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I keep a journal (and a bullet journal) but I avoid things that make me anxious (in an effort to be less affected by them). I know I need to try harder to confront those thoughts, however, and writing is something I can do on my own.

Thanks for this.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would really recommend against avoiding your triggers- that will only build them up in your mind. I think, organize your thoughts and confront them. Of course, that somewhat depends on what your triggers are. Message me for more info if you want!

[–]NewMindRedPill1 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I completely understand how you feel. I had depression/anxiety since I was little with varying levels. At one point two years ago, something really awful happened that pushed me over the edge. I missed all my final exams because I was completely mentally gone. It was the scariest time of my life I thought I had gone crazy. Turns out I had developed depersonalization/derealization disorder. It took a while to properly diagnose as they thought I had PTSD.

Sometimes, very rarely, I slip into it and my mind is gone and everything seems unreal. I have to think hard about every little motion. It happened after my SO and I had a problem recently. It was resolved but I cried a lot and crying triggers it (I never cry). After he came back from work I was just mentally gone. It hurt him because he thought I was thinking this or that or was still mad at him. I had to let him know that I wasn't thinking or feeling anything but it will pass. He told me to take my time and he was there for me. I didn't feel like it but I knew it was better to give him a hug to make him feel better. He went to a meeting and after I was feeling a bit better. I was taking out the trash when he came back and I saw him walking towards me. I knew our energy was really low before so I ran towards him and gave him a big hug. I heard him sigh in relief and he held me tight. Our energy was high after that.

I'm getting better and better but when there is an episode of whatever is going on with you its important to always consider the other person. Set reminders on your phone like "Give him a hug and ask him to hold you tight" that way if your mind is gone your phone will hopefully annoy you into action.

Its also good to set reminders for your own health. Its hard to imagine doing something as simple as going for a walk when you feel bad so maybe put, "put your walking shoes on and just take a step outside." This might result in you taking a walk when the smaller steps are already completed.

[–]plaiidoh1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

thank you.

[–]hyperfemme 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

On the "don't be afraid of medication" point, I heard something last night from one of my friends that hit home. Her son has autism, and she's a homeopathic treatment type that was totally against medicating him. She took him to a new pediatrician who was shocked at the non medicating approach and put it to her as "would you deny a diabetic insulin? Or a paraplegic a wheelchair? Medication is that life changing." Hearing it put like that definitely changed her mind, it was interesting to learn about.

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

We know somebody who refused ADHD meds for their child for years. Her father actually had to threaten her mother with court before she agreed. This was about two years ago and the medication has changed this child's life- her grades improved, she doesn't struggle with learning in general as much, she's made friends, her behavior (especially impulse control) is better, etc.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just can't with the homeopathic types. Homeopathy defies the basica laws of physics. Ugh. I won't start ranting

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for posting this, it's very helpful. I have some anxiety surrounding my pregnancy- specifically how it will affect my marriage. I'm actually considering returning to therapy to sort myself out but I need to find the right person. I felt like my old therapist was good but she really wanted to talk to my husband and discuss our marriage. I was developing anxiety about going to therapy because my husband will not go (fine with me) and I wasn't there to talk about our relationship.

I went to five different therapist until I found the perfect one for me. He was my professor in college and he is the smartest man I´ve ever met. I like his style as he has this way to make you be completely honest with yourself. We are all different and every therapist has their own personality, you will find the best results if you find the right therapist for you. It helps that I have a diploma in psychology so I knew about the different types of therapist there are, if you want to see one I recommend to first check their areas of specialty and read about them to see if that is what you need.

I should be more open minded when it comes to selecting a therapist. It never occurred to me to choose a man before reading this but given my issues with my previous therapist this might be a good idea.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The best therapist I´ve been to are men. From my experience, they are more practical and it works better for me. The first one I went to specialises in solutions oriented psychology so his approach was similar to CBT. I really liked him but I moved to another city so I had to stop seeing him.

My current one has an approach similar to psychotherapist without being psychotherapy per se (I´ve already done it, with the chaise lounge and all of that, I didn't like it). This guy focus a lot on sex and impulses but also has a human side and makes you think.

I haven't liked female therapist because they focus a lot on feelings and im more practical. Im childfree and their responses to it have been 1) Yes you will have kids when you get older 2) You say that you don't want kids because your bf doesn't one them but deep down you do 3) You say that you don't want kids because you are in denial, deep down you are dying to become a mom. I would get so frustrated because they didn't listened to me, I wanted to focus on something else and the 3 of them always went back to the fact that Iw as doing it for my ex -_-. Men therapist have said "Yea thats understandable" end of discussion.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, you've given me more to think about (and I really appreciate it). I like the CBT approach and I actually listened to the CBT course on Audible. My old therapist wasn't enthusiastic about it and basically wanted me to talk or vent a lot. She also really wanted to talk to my husband and that isn't going to happen. It was weird because she'd tell me to be more direct with people and when I took that approach with her she did exactly what I feel everybody else does: kept pushing and wouldn't take no for an answer.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I had a great female CBT therapist when I was a young teen and struggling. I woudln't count anyone out because of their gender.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh I have absolutely nothing against female therapists (Im a psychologist myself but not working on that field rn), is just that I´ve seen better results with men :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Don´t be afraid of medication

I love that you included this. Medication has such a bad rap in the modern world for no reason. People 100 years ago would kill to have what we have access to now.

Mental illness still is a very taboo concept for a lot of people so many of them don't even consider taking meds. As my therapist explained “Antidepressants will help you make decisions without putting your emotions first” and they did.

Exactly! Anti-depressants aren't happy pills! They're just going to help stabilize and normalize your brain chemistry so that it can work in a neurotypical fashion.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I love the analogy someone posted about comparing it with insulin for a diabetic.

I have heard people say that meds are for the weaks and that its all willpower. I guess that im weak for not having the proper amount of neurotransmitters in my brain.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly.

I think a lot of that will power stuff comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of chemistry/biology. People don't get that all illness is an imbalance in something in your body. Sometimes you can do stuff other than medication to return everything to normal, but a lot of times you can't.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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