Q4All: Why the disconnect between dating single mothers vs dating single fathers?

Littleknownfacts · 2019-09-30T22:01:19+00:00

OP please be aware we have a 12 hour per post rule. I'm leaving this up for now since it's already been up for two hours.

poppy_blu · 2019-09-30T20:00:41+00:00

I’m in my 40s. Every single person I know is dating people with kids because everyone our age has kids. It’s normal.

The dislike for single moms comes largely from the 20 something crowd. The difference is probably that a single mom in her early to mid 20s might not have made the best life choices, and I think that’s a fair argument. A generalization, of course, but I’m not hating.

In my 20s i would not have dated a man with kids. If I were single tomorrow I fully expect that I’d be dating men with kids.

Taipanshimshon · 2019-09-30T20:45:41+00:00

Because it takes more effort to be allowed to be a single dad in most cases.

Because frankly more often than not women will take you to child support money but fight against you having time with them .

So yeah.

You fought for it and you won.

NiceGuyNumber4 · 2019-09-30T19:54:35+00:00

Women control pregnancy. If you're a single dad, someone thought you might be a good dad. If you're a single mom, someone didn't pull out.

Trad_MetalMod_Wife · 2019-09-30T20:02:41+00:00

Society has mothers and motherhood on a pedestal. Fathers and fatherhood are just secondary byproducts under the influence and control of their wives and ex-wives or GF.

For a man to get full custody indicates that he has risen above the cherished role of mother and has been deemed by the court as a capable and responsible father who can fulfill the role of mother as well.

Women who lose custody are trash because custody is geared in favor of them.

Men who gain custody are exemplar and stand above as men who are capable and loving towards their kids and are viewed as extremely responsible.

Sort of like the court and society has already vetted the single father for being responsible and trustworthy for those under his care.

Ofourkind · 2019-09-30T20:47:57+00:00

Most men have no problem dating single moms once they reach a certain age.

Source: am in my forties and know boatloads of divorced single parents, none of whom have any problems dating

escapethesolarsystem · 2019-09-30T22:30:52+00:00

It's because single motherhood is much more likely to be due to irresponsible behavior, where as single fatherhood is not. Since most divorces are initiated by women (in the west, please note, not globally), it's more likely the single mother choose to be a single mother, where as a single father likely had to fight to care for a child after the woman selfishly dissolved the relationship.

Even more, there's a difference in the role of fathers and mothers in parenting that makes a single mother a liability when a single father is not. The role of the mother (an important role, no doubt) is to comfort and protect the child, while the role of the father is to discipline and challenge the child. Certainly, there can be some overlap, but the roles to some degree instinctual so the overlap usually won't be that great. The problem is, the single mother will be wired to see the new man in her life as a "threat" to her child whenever he tries to challenge or punish the child, basically ruining the dynamic and making him unable to be a proper father to the child.

All this is not the say the relationship isn't ever workable, but it's very high risk for major problems for the man. Why should the man take the risk? On the flip side, a single father doesn't provide much risk for a new woman in his life, in fact, he looks extra responsible - if he can take care of a child alone he can probably be trusted to take care of her too.

findingfemininity · 2019-09-30T20:04:30+00:00

What fantasy world are you living in that single fathers are considered sexy? Most childless women my age (mid-late 20s) absolutely would not date a single father. The women I know who are fine dating single dads are older (>35) and often have kids themselves.

You are correct that there is far more vitriol against single moms than single dads though, although ime I've only seen this online. The men I know irl would not date single moms but don't seem to hate them either.

mazeforgays · 2019-09-30T22:04:07+00:00

I'd never, ever, ever date a single father. Or any other type of a father. Won't even fuck them. Guy could be an 11/10 Chris Hemsworth look alike hung like a fucking elephant, but the second he mentions any offspring, I'm OUT. Like gtfo with your fuck trophies, I'm not interested.

statusincorporated · 2019-09-30T21:21:16+00:00

Ya it's one of those inexplicable BETA qualities that is somehow seen as sexually attractive. or maybe it's an alpha quality to have a kid? who knows?

both probably. you have a kid and you take care of it.

but you have to have some good SMV/RMV to snag a chick with no kids if you already have kids.

TheBookOfSeil · 2019-10-01T01:16:22+00:00

It probably has something to do with single fathers appearing more virtuous in society than single mothers because single mothers are more common since women tend to get custody more commonly than men do.

Also, it really depends on who we’re speaking of, here. Sure, there are great women out there who just happen to have a child, but there are also some women who are still (mentally) children themselves, and haven’t cultivated a mature personality which shows that they’re suitable partners nor suitable parents.

SkylineCrash · 2019-10-01T02:40:10+00:00

Because if you get custody as a dad then you're probably a great guy

volchonok1 · 2019-10-01T07:52:22+00:00

I don't have any large statistics, but it feels like single dad is usually a conscious choice, something that a father wants to do and fights to have a right to raise kid on his own - so it kinda shows some value/determination in that man. While being a single mother is kinda default option for women after breakup/divorce, it doesn't inherently mean any positive qualities of that person.

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-09-30T20:04:24+00:00

The last time I was single, I was in my 20s

Now, I’m 39. Chances are, if a guy hasn’t been married and/or had a kid by this age, that’s a huge red flag. That’s multiple decades of multiple women, all coming to the same conclusion: he’s just not that attractive for an LTR

EDIT: Please note that “had a kid,” I don’t mean with someone random. Either an ex-wife, or (and I only know one guy in this situation) with a LTR gf of a decade

EDIT 2: Seriously with the downvotes? 🙄

LeJacquelope · 2019-09-30T20:40:41+00:00

I posted a thread about this once. Single fathers are no better, most went and stuck their dick in crazy and that shows very bad judgment on his part.

sunshinecentered · 2019-09-30T21:00:43+00:00

Men seem to have significantly more trouble with knowing a woman was a full living human being prior to him coming into her life.

SeemedGood · 2019-09-30T21:03:42+00:00

Men and women are not the same.

AggravatingTartlet · 2019-09-30T22:52:03+00:00

I don't see this in my world.

Single mothers are just seen as women with children who are not with a man.

Single dads who have custody as seen the same as women are above.

Single dad who are just weekend dads are seen as not doing enough for their kids. They are not seen as good parents.

LillthOfBabylon · 2019-09-30T23:44:18+00:00

Despite what the red pill want to believe, women actually like good men. It’s just that being a good man requires sacrifice. Being there for your child is a noble sacrifice. Basically, we have a very low expectation for fathers, in general. Also, we can dad have more free time than the full-time mother. Also, women have baby fever. A guy who’s already a good dad will be a good dad to her own offsprings with him.

[deleted] · 2019-10-01T01:16:08+00:00

Because single mothers have many more toxic traits then a single fathers do.

Eastuss · 2019-10-01T08:29:16+00:00

Wtf? Men are more vocal online about criticising single mothers but eventually men still date single mothers.

I hear load load load load of women saying they wouldn't want to date a single father just because he still has contacts with his exes.

Freevoulous · 2019-10-01T20:40:46+00:00

Freshly minted single dad here, Im currently living that situation:

single dads are often more fit and in better shape than single moms, who are often saggy and fat. MILF is largely a myth.
single dads often experience a "renaissance" of their freedom, and are happy dudes drunk on freedom, single moms are miserable and negative
guys often become single dads in their late 30s or so, when they are in their physical, intellectual and financial prime. Single moms are almost never in their prime, it was probably when they got pregnant first.
Single dads compete with younger single men, but beat them thanks to experience, wisdom and woman-skills. Single moms compete with young pre-pregnancy women who have far better bodies.
Single moms are usually more bitter and talkative about their divorce/breakup, and that tends to scare people away. Single Dads rarely mention their exes.
both single dads and single moms are often busy, unavailable, and hard to win over, because they have their priority with kids. Being hard to get is sexy in men, and NOT sexy in women, regardless of what media wants you to believe.
Single Dads often get to show their parenting skills, which are a combo of being caring and sweet to someone vulnerable, but also hard and strict when needed. Women find these behaviors sexy in men, but the reverse is not true.

planejane · 2019-09-30T20:50:24+00:00

Anybody who willingly dates a single father who isn't a widower gets the shit end of the stick. I didn't used to think this but after seeing enough of my peers get knocked up by guys who were already part time dads and couldn't be bothered to call their kids on their birthday and were more concerned with their own lives, just stay the fuck away from single dads.

There's a reason his ex and kids don't have much to do with him and it's not just because she's a bitch or something. 95% of the time IME he'd rather drink and fuck barsluts than go to his kid's birthday party. The kid or you will NEVER be a priority.

katymarx · 2019-09-30T22:49:04+00:00

None of the single moms I know, and at my age there have been plenty, have no trouble finding men to date, LTR, and marry. Most single moms started out in relationships where the child was wanted, but the couple didn't work out. It's a temporary state, not a core partlf their being.

All of this single mom hate here does not represent reality. And these guys dating these women are not low value thirtys. They are normal dudes.

pnadlerlaw · 2019-09-30T21:30:14+00:00

Single dad ... he’s responsible ... is clearly filling the role of a father ... which is more than I can say for most other men out there in the dating pool. So, this is consistent with my desires as a woman.

Single mom ... her focus is on her child(ren) ... which is not at all the case with other women out there in the dating pool. So, this is inconsistent with my desires as a man.

ScarletNumeroo · 2019-09-30T21:41:13+00:00

A lot of women like the idea of having a family, so dating a single dad makes it easier to make a family. Also, the single dad wants someone to help take care of his kids, so he is more likely to be willing to settle into a LTR.

Also, due to preselection, a single dad already has the stamp of approval from some other woman. Even if you don't know who she is, she decided that his man was good enough to bear his child, so he must be worth something.

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MuleFool42 · 2019-09-30T21:33:04+00:00

Good question. I think the distinction has to do with whether or not the person dating the single dad/mom is without a family. If a woman or man is single, childless, and has never been married, then the single mom/dad is more likely to be avoided because no matter what, their kids come before you do. Maybe that's sexy on a guy, I don't know, women will have to answer that. But for a single guy, a single mom is a raw deal. Even if you marry them, you're second, third, fourth, etc.............in line for consideration. Also, if you marry, you're also agreeing to raise pay for some other dude's kids instead of your own. That's a raw deal too, especially if you end up divorcing her.

Society's laws make it a higher risk for men to get involved. I have a friend who lives in CA. He let his single mom gf move in with him for 5 months until she could get back on her feet. The child was very young. They broke up, she moved out. A while later he got hit with child support. CA is making him support the child until she's 18. He's still paying. So, it could be that single mothers just represent more risk.

we-are-men-with-ven · 2019-09-30T21:38:46+00:00

In the UK the media has a bit of a hard on for demonising single mothers, exclusively working class ones.

It's partly political, as these women are usually on welfare they become a target for changing certain policies. People get angry that they pay taxes and these women use them.

Aside from politics, the moral outrage is something I have ONLY found on the Internet. I've been called a slut, a loser and had a load of nasty PMs (it's one of the reasons I drop accounts regularly.

In real life - almost everyone is very supportive and kind to me.

Purecope2019 · 2019-10-01T00:20:36+00:00

The single dads that are RP def arent sexy LOL

paladine76a · 2019-10-01T01:03:01+00:00

My take on single mothers is they always put their kids first. How can you have a successful relationship when your partner is always second? Where is the logic in that?

So every man who dates a single mom knows he will always be placed after someone else's kids. What reason would a man want to enter that relationship?

If you as a woman must put your kids first then don't even bother men. Live single and put all your focus on the kids. Mom doesn't need a relationship. Have your "special friends" and keep them separate from your kids.

rockinhard130 · 2019-10-01T01:03:36+00:00

This has NOT been my experience or the experience of other single fathers. If I only had them weekends I'd probably be in a relationship right now.

_Anarchon_ · 2019-10-01T01:11:24+00:00

In general, a single mother denotes trickery and/or mental illness. That's not necessarily true for men. The stigma exists because of how much more control women have over their getting pregnant, and staying that way.

A single mother is generally someone who has tricked a man into an unwanted pregnancy or willingly got pregnant by hiding her true personality, only later for the man to discover her real one. Your observation that they are damaged goods is true, in general, at least moreso than men.

glofcast · 2019-10-01T01:17:48+00:00

They’re far more prevalent. And usually stupider people.

Shanguerrilla · 2019-10-01T02:06:15+00:00

The ONLY reason I as a man get that treatment or notice that trend with women I've dated since being a single father... is likely 'because' single mothers have a partially true and not true stereotype. If society equally delt custody when regards to gender of parent--- THIS would NOT be an issue. In OUR society, it IS a value of some merit-- to those who value it. Who values it? Single mothers. Who is the large group of women that most men for many reasons biological, psychological, societal, and even rationally wouldn't be their top choice? Single mothers, as you said. To answer your question-- well you already did! It's because of the single mothers that us guys get that treatment. Other parents can respect it platonically or we can relate on another level in passions of life.... but a lot of people 'become single' after having children, women get VASTLY more custody for various reasons... so when a guy does, it actually can speak toward his character rather than a woman's default (most of all toward qualities 'single mothers' may statistically prioritise more than others as well as maintain slightly less options than similar women without children).

That said, 100% of the women I have dated since being a dad (and whether I included the info in fun or seemingly attractive ways or not) I've only been with single mothers since divorce 3 years ago. Seems they are attracted to me, I'm attracted to the availability and occasionally find someone I am beyond that.

FaraunLoveShady · 2019-10-01T02:26:54+00:00

The average single dad is less attractive than the average single mom.

[deleted] · 2019-10-01T14:36:28+00:00

A single mom means one of three things: getting pregnant without considering who you are getting pregnant with, or considering who you are getting pregnant with but with the intent to use the child to manipulate them, or that the woman was mislead/abused.

The last category is safe to date imo, nobody is omniscient. BUT the last category is the smallest in my anecdotal experience.

Single dads are actually shittier in my opinion but that is because as a man I have higher expectations for fellow men (example: dont nut in a woman you arent prepared to raise kids with for the next 20 years)

frugaholic1201 · 2019-10-02T03:51:24+00:00

Cause mothers are the ones putting in the hours to raise their children, while fathers only spend the weekends doing “fun” stuff. The life of a single mother is consumed by their children. The life of a father who only sees his kids every other weekend stays mostly the same!

mybrownsweater · 2019-10-04T01:35:59+00:00

I think it's because single dads are thought to be there by choice, therefore they love their children. Whereas a single mom is there because she has to be and not necessarily a good parent. Also, if she couldn't make things work with the father of her child she might be a bad wife, "single for a reason."

Purecope2019 · 2019-09-30T20:25:05+00:00

Not saying that either is sexy because neither are but a single father is showing responsibility for cumming in a woman who for whatever reason didn't stick stick around and a single mother is a constant reminder that she was letting a loser cum inside her who was most likely just using her for sex or that she displayed poor mate selection

LotBuilder · 2019-09-30T22:51:05+00:00

I have really cute kids, a really cute dog and a nice house. A lot of woman with or without kids view it as a plug and play situation. I’ve got it handled, they won’t be dragged into anything they don’t want to be dragged into. For a guy, you see a single mom with kids and you automatically know you are 7th place in her life at best. If the ex is a deadbeat then you know it will get expensive, you are paying for damn near everything. If the ex is in the picture then you will constantly deal with that. I have sex with my ex wife pretty much any time I put in a little effort. I pay her bills and bang her... how much room is there for a serious boyfriend,

The ideal situation is casual when they have split custody. You hang out when she is kid free and keep it there.

smokecheck1976 · 2019-10-01T03:50:27+00:00

It's because 85% of the time, the guy loses his children in family court and basically is reduced to being a serf to the mother under the gentle administrations of the state. Literally, all she has to do is show up to court and not do a line of cocaine off the judge's bench to win full custody, and I'm not sure she couldn't still win if she did a line. After that, she can be completely irresponsible, spending the money he is forced to give on herself, pawning the kids off on relatives and friends, and loudly telling anyone who will listen, and way too many will, how her baby's daddy is an abusive piece of shit and a deadbeat dad even though she forced him out. I have heard that song and dance far too often to believe it without proof.

The single dad on the other hand, in half of the remaining cases the mother didn't bother to show up, in the other half, he had to fight like a demon. He had to prove he was a good parent and prove that the mother is a horrible parent. He had to fight the bias of the court. He had to fight the bias of family services. In most cases, even if the mother is ordered to pay child support, she can walk away from it and never be held to account.

matrixpush · 2019-10-01T09:30:54+00:00

If anything its the opposite.

Kos_-_Omak · 2019-09-30T20:27:49+00:00

Objectively, single fathers are just as bad and "damaged goods" as single mothers. The only difference is that women are incapable of logic. When a chick meets an attractive single father, her primitive lizard brain takes over and she will come up with some ridiculous rationalization for why she should ignore his obvious red flags. Whereas men have the intelligence to understand that single motherhood means a woman is not LTR material.