Mindfulness in Service

learningtomom · 2019-09-21T12:58:22+00:00

When I have moments of those inner grumbling bubbling up, I turn to gratitude & thinking of all the things he does, including those that I might not notice each day. I’m almost always exceedingly grateful for my fortunate life, but when I’m extra tired, I can let that slip, so I think of specific things that I’m thankful for.

And, I think the overall trend of selfishness over serving is, in fact, a trend impacting almost everyone in modern society, sadly. I hope to do everything I can to raise our child(ren) to focus on the world around them & how they can interact with and impact the world instead of focusing on themselves.

misscleanex · 2019-09-21T12:16:52+00:00

No offense at all, I might be taking this the wrong way, but truth be told it sounds like you may benefit from changing up your communication style.

What does it mean to enjoy serving when it appears that you have been seeing a need to delegate so much to your SO? I love this post. I love the bit about rising above self-absorption and being in service to others, but I also see a very busy nurse who is balancing work-home and might be overlooking an opportunity to bring her problem to her captain and allow him to lead.

If you're having issues with the mental load, then share it with him.

notyetsaved · 2019-09-21T14:52:29+00:00

I find that I have no negative attitude with serving when I take time to serve me! Remember to take care of the things that are important to you (friends, wellness, mental health). Keep your own cup full so that you can pour into others!

durtyknees · 2019-09-22T03:36:24+00:00

Why on earth did it matter to me where he put a tupperware?

It matters (on an instinctual level) because a person's habits/actions are a reflection of the contents of their mind (/mental state).

I'm highly motivated to serve my husband because everything he does tells me I'm always on his mind (my preferences, needs, idiosyncrasies, etc). If I slip up, it's only because I made a miscalculation. I don't recall ever feeling resentment with him.

The key is clear communication, such as discussing why seemingly-trivial things are disproportionately upsetting. Every time I have a problem with my feelings, I bring the problem to my husband and we figure it out. There's no need for any argument when you handle it as "Us vs The Problem", and not "Your Needs vs My Needs".

However, clear communication did not work with most of my exes, because "manly men" have this mentality of "oh no she's making woman noises again" whenever I tried to explain why I'm upset about something they can't relate to.

I was definitely resentful serving men who viewed me as just "my woman", like "the cost of getting regular sex and other manly needs met" ("the cost of doing business").

Many "traditional men" view their wives as "other" (viewed as "you vs me" --- not viewed as "an extension of me"), and their wives are further demoted to "harridan" if she resorted to nagging to try get what she needs (any good communication takes two to work).

If I feel resentment serving (in the context of a relationship), I'm always quick to leave --- not because I'm "selfish", but because I have unyielding self-respect, and I only dedicate myself to serving people who are worthy of me.

TL;DR:

Empowerment (the ability to choose, to have options, to be free to walk away) is important for your mental and physical well-being.

cassandrarose39 · 2019-09-21T12:54:08+00:00

You know if at the end of the day if I’m tired or spent I just save it for the next day when I have the house to myself again. My captain hasn’t said anything about it. Unless we are expecting guest then he mentions something and pitches in if I need it.

I do agree though, when I change my mindset I’m not running around the house resentful of picking up after everyone. I’m helping and serving others, the most important people, the people in my family. It also serves another purpose:I’m needed. I enjoy that purpose of others needing me.

MissNietzsche · 2019-09-21T17:32:20+00:00

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it wrong for a woman to be expected to work a full-time job AND be the full-time homemaker?

I would be more okay with this if he was bringing home all the bacon..then of course I would expect you to clean up after him without a fuss, but if you’re taking on his job (and being a nurse is exhausting, I’ve heard), isn’t it fair that he takes on part of your job too?

I think a woman should cook, clean, and do the child-rearing, yes, but not if she’s also working hard full-time. How can you pamper your man when you’re exhausted yourself?

Of course, I could very well be wrong on this one. Could anyone enlighten me?

EarInlove · 2019-09-24T11:24:41+00:00

> I came home a few days ago in the morning to find the few things undone I had asked Q to do before going to sleep, trash he had left by the couch, food left on the counter, and a pile of recycling climbing up the wall.

That is disrespecting your service. He was right in apologizing. Many men lack gratitude - which makes it easy to disrespect loving service and take it for granted.

vintagegirlgame · 2019-09-21T18:00:55+00:00

Nice post. When I think of service I think of my fiancé’s best friend’s mother. Their family was raised with RP style ethics. I remember one time when it was her birthday and everyone was gathered for one of the massive dinners they always prepare. Though it was her birthday she was totally in service, cooking and cleaning with joy at having her family gathered. By the end of the night she was still going around serving everyone with zero entitlement. Taking care of her family is her happy place and it gave her joy to do this on “her” day. I really look up to her as a role model.

mtngirljena · 2019-09-21T12:49:20+00:00

Great post! And a much needed reminder. Thank you!

honeytradcon · 2019-09-21T17:34:08+00:00

What a breath of fresh air to read. I have never been quite able to put into words what you recalled seeing on twitter. Overall I feel your post was exactly what I needed to hear as I have the same feeling of frustration at times.

I am a nursing student. I think it's the value that nurses carry to care and serve others in a more vulnerable state. This reflects both work and home.
I really admire your outlook. :)

OceanRacoon · 2019-09-21T22:22:00+00:00

This might sound harsh but that's a load of garbage. You're using mentally gymnastics to make yourself okay with the fact that you're going to be your husband's mother and treat him like a child instead of a grown man who can clean up after himself and remember to take out the trash.

This attitude isn't going to make your husband better at doing basic things, it's going to infantilize him and make him just leave all the housework etc to you because you stopped nagging him to do it and are just doing it yourself. I'm a guy and I can easily imagine falling into that myself if my partner just started doing all the housework and never mentioned it to me, we just don't give a shit about it most of the time.

And then you're going to have a breakdown 5 years from now after having kids and you have to look after your husband like he's one of them. I don't see this ending well if you're not naturally a complete walkover who lives to be someone's doormat

peacocktoast · 2019-09-21T19:26:58+00:00

That's why I think it's a little ridiculous to have a "self care" thread here. The western woman is already, by most accounts, incredibly self-indulgent; few of us need to learn how to focus on ourselves, while many of us profoundly struggle to care for men.