Frustrated about the college hookup scene

jfiscal · 2019-10-08T11:17:15+00:00

I suggest just waiting, hookup culture is a toxic one

Violetta311 · 2019-10-08T05:51:40+00:00

Date older guys.

nofears · 2019-10-08T17:51:34+00:00

Everyone has already told you not to give in... but I'll give you some real motivation.

Don't think you can fuck around and just lie to your future boyfriend or husband about the number of partners you've had. If he's a quality man, intelligent and perceptive, he will know. I just kicked a girl to the curb for pretending to be a good church girl, when I gathered enough clues to put the pieces together and determine she's been passed around like the town bicycle.

If you try it... There are only two outcomes.

1.) You may succeed at fooling a beta chump into believing you have been a "good" girl... But is this the kind of guy you want to settle down with?
2.) High quality men will see through your bullshit, and will treat you as others have, as a fuck toy, and then discard you.

Hold out for the high quality man that recognizes your value. It may take some time, but fucking around will only significantly decrease your value in the long run.

MyOwnWay1985 · 2019-10-08T05:49:30+00:00

Date a (slightly) older man - one out of college and with a job whom has his life together.

Also, this "scared that I will never be able to be with a man of his “caliber” unless it’s in a casual sex situation" is legitimately a problem and you need to avoid it. If you fuck this dude, are you ever going to want to settle for something less? If you are consistently dating above your SMV (as most women do) that's one thing, but you shouldn't be making a habit of offering up sex to a guy whom otherwise wouldn't be interested in you.

A rule of thumb is if he isn't willing to wait to fuck you or offer some base level of commitment, he isn't serious about you. Men will absolutely fuck you if it's easily accessible, but that doesn't mean they will commit.

jayval90 · 2019-10-08T13:47:22+00:00

Have you tried the religious side of campus? There definitely are guys who value virginity and are willing to commit first who aren't like ridiculously and annoyingly religious. Honestly I'd suggest getting a new social scene, as the current one is obviously grating on your values. It's not going to be as fun, there's not going to be as much excitement (is Chad gonna go for my pants tonight? Teehee!) at least in the party scene, but that stuff is all based around hookups anyways and you should avoid it.

Please, please knock some sense into me.

Ok, here's what I really think:

the guys who are interested in relationships are those who are unattractive, and I don’t say this just to say that they’re ugly, but that they also haven’t quite developed into men who are sure of themselves, and likely won’t for several more years.

What makes you think that you're a woman who's sure of herself? Why do you think that you deserve a guy who comes into your life sure of himself and fully developed into an attractive man? (All that's missing is the white horse) It sounds to me like you have quite a bit of shit to figure out yourself.

The beauty of relationships used to be that two young people who were both very unsure of themselves would get together and figure that stuff out together, with the support, guidance and influence of each others' families and the community. Part of the joy of a relationship is growing together.

Now you all want to skip straight to the successfully developed attractive confident guy, and by golly you don't deserve anything less. And heaven help the parent or community member who sticks their nose into your business, "Get lost! It's my private life! Growing together? Why you're telling me to settle for someone I could never have any attraction to! I'd be taking a huge risk that he turns out to be some kind of nix-nütz, and I shouldn't be in the business of fixing up guys either."

First of all, you're a fixer-upper yourself. Any guy these days (unless he's going for some kind of Amish woman) takes a substantial risk when pairing up with you that you will destroy his life later and divorce-rape him. Also he has no idea how you'll turn out with kids, maybe your post-partum depression will turn you into a zombie like it did my sister. Etc etc there are plenty of things that guys risk with women.

So really, what makes you think that you are worthy of the attention of such a guy who has all his shit together? Besides, the only guys who are that figured out are probably kind of domineering (or are really good at presenting what a woman wants to see to let him into her pants), and the newness of his "5 year plan" will wear off when you eventually realize that it was entirely conceived without your input, and frankly those kinds of things are kind of lame. Many guys going after younger girls are looking for someone slightly less mature that they can fit into their plan, not a partner.

That's what I really think. Sorry it was mostly negative, but I had to stop somewhere. Plus I think you can understand the frustration I feel.

eatavacado · 2019-10-08T05:15:27+00:00

You are 100% on the right track. Don't let everyone else's actions make you question your choice to take your first time very seriously- because thats very honorable and it will mean a lot to your future partner. Honestly, boys in college are all looking to hook up. I don't think men will truly feel ready to settle until they are at least 25. Young 20s are full of the desire to be experience. I actually think its healthiest to let them get it all out of their system too, because then they will be more content down the line when they do decide to commit to a relationship that they've gotten to know many women, and they will be going into the relationship feeling more confident in knowing what they want. Honor yourself as someone worth more than being someones experience.

Try to just busy yourself with studies, sports, clubs, and building up yourself and your life. When you feel ready for a relationship, I'd recommend dating guys around 24-25. As for the sexual frustration, if its really getting to you, and your worried its bringing you down and closer to giving up on your values, you might want to consider sexually fulfillment through some toys. Might feel demeaning but some women need it through abstinence, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of helping yourself stay strong to your values while also taking care of your tension.

AdorableAmbition · 2019-10-08T10:43:56+00:00

I was 21 when I met my boyfriend and he wasn't into casual one night stands. He wanted a proper relationship. So even though its tough, don't settle for less, hang in there till you find someone who makes you happy, because men like that do exist.

2019-10-08T06:23:12+00:00

Highly recommend dating up a couple years. I felt the same way as you, but I met my boyfriend on tinder when I was still in college at 22, and he was 24, working a full time finance job. He was so much more mature compared to my previous boyfriend who was my own age and still in the f-boy hookup stage of his life. Definitely look for someone out of college, or at least out of undergrad.

Shane_The_Stoic · 2019-10-08T09:58:57+00:00

Your standards are high. Keep 'em high. Value yourself. If someone requires you to lower them in order to have a relationship with you, they're not of the caliber you're after and not worth putting time into.

2019-10-08T15:38:02+00:00

dont be frustrated by others' behavior. you do you and let everyone else be themselves. do not alienate yourself or put yourself on a pedestal because you have different choices.

your best option is to do your thing and meet guys along the way. go to the gym. eat healthy, get good grades, make likeminded girlfriends ( easier said than done). keep leveling up your look with makeup clothes mindset, etc.

dont pay attention to what anyone else is doing unless they're offering you something positive. (attention, gifts, help, humor, friendship etc).

everyone else gets fat, ugly and drug/ alcohol addicted very quickly in college.

you'll be undeniable shortly. and when guys start to pay attention to you, act like you don't even notice. see how many will be chasing you at that point.

pigghenuette12 · 2019-10-08T13:53:19+00:00

Everyone seems to have the advice aspect of this covered, but I will tell you that I had the exact same issue as you. Towards the end of my freshman year I met a man that I put my foot down with- I knew he was into hookups and had no issue getting them, but I really liked him, and I wanted to have a Relationship with him. He respected that, and we’ve now been together almost six years. So it is possible!! Just keep firm in your beliefs- the right kind of man will come along eventually.

afterthe_fapocalypse · 2019-10-08T16:52:42+00:00

I can tell you that the alternative to ride the cock carousal will result in hitting the wall. It seems otherwise but the girls you see I hooking up aren't getting what you're looking for - nor will they. Whatever anguish you feel now will multiply if you compromise principles that are RP and are good for you long-term. Maybe get more exposure, not to hookup culture, but around: library, church groups, coffee shops, etc. and if you have to flash a smile or say hi.

LigmaB52 · 2019-10-08T13:19:57+00:00

I don't know what this subs stance on religion is. But maybe try to find a quality religious dude who isn't looking to hook up.

But in my experience they're very rare and not all of them practice what the preach (abstinence) or they segregate themselves from the opposite gender as much as possible with out interfering with being normal.

waste2muchtime · 2019-10-08T16:35:13+00:00

Dont be fooled into losing what you preserved all these years.

2019-10-08T17:38:38+00:00

Don't lower your standards gurl. Rather invest in a nice BOB (battery opperated boyfriend) and focus on studies and friendships

2019-10-08T17:43:59+00:00

came to the harsh realization when he stopped messaging me that he was probably only in it to get into my pants.

Probably.

But why was it that he thought sex was the only thing you had to offer?

2019-10-08T10:16:36+00:00

You don’t have to engage in the hookup culture if it isn’t for you. It may just take you a bit longer to find a guy looking for the same sort of thing as you.

2019-10-08T14:01:40+00:00

Men in their early 20s may not care about who they fuck because they’re not looking for commitment or marriage. If you give them another 10 years, their priorities will shift. If you’re honest about looking for commitment and marriage, college boys shouldn’t be one of your options.

daddydankmeme · 2019-10-08T19:28:56+00:00

it is extremely commendable that you are still a virgin in this day and age, keep going until marriage is my advice

LoveFooles · 2019-10-08T23:30:38+00:00

I know that I am at least above average visually

How can you be sure? Not saying you aren't. But I am a super ugly girl. I also get high value men wanting to get in my pants.

2019-10-08T10:19:21+00:00

These days most men aren't mature enough for real relationships until at least late 20s. Either date older, hope you get lucky finding a rare one, or be patient. Not easy, but it is what it is.

2019-10-08T13:07:59+00:00

Whatever you do, don't give in to hookup culture thinking it'll get you a boyfriend. Abstain for as long as needed. Also consider guys in graduate programs.

2019-10-09T10:45:42+00:00

Save yourself for your future husband. The hook up culture is bad for everyone in the long term!

yontheone · 2019-10-08T10:36:45+00:00

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2019-10-08T13:17:10+00:00

Hook ups aren't worth it, but you know that. Buy a vibrator maybe? There's a lot of ways to enjoy your own sexuality without involving someone else. It will serve you well if you know your body and what feels good for you so you can relay your needs to your future partner. If it's intimacy you are craving, why not express that need with a platonic girl friend and ask for hugs more? Or ask for a night of painting each others nails. Sometimes just massaging someone else can help fill that need for intimacy. You may even want to talk to a counsellor about strategies for making friends/potential partners while not feeling like you are compromising your values.

squareone12 · 2019-10-08T11:58:58+00:00

Can relate...