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Suddenly, I'm not as interested in sex (self.askMRP)

submitted by bumpiesttoad

Is this something men commonly go through while changing their mindset? A year ago I obsessed about sex all day long, it was my world, I'd do anything to negotiate desire. 6 months ago I genuinely started not having an emotional reaction to my fiancee turning me down for sex. Sex was wild and fairly frequent at this point. Now I find myself not feeling much of a sexual urge, for my fiancee or anyone for that matter. I'd rather rock climb, lift, read, or go on a hike. I'd like to keep initiating as forcefully/frequently as I had been, because I know the natural urge will come back in full force, and when it does I'd rather it not be a shocking change like it was the first time (even if it was a positive change). Is this just the way of life or is something out of whack?


[–]Smuggler-Tuek48 points49 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I went through this. For me it was the fact that I didn’t need sex as validation anymore. Killed my sex drive because most of it was just trying to get that validation. Comes back over time only different because you will be wanting sex as part of your real sexuality, not your self esteem.

[–]Balls_Wellington_31 points32 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Glad to hear I'm not alone. I always thought I had a massive libido. Now I'm wondering if I was just massively insecure.

[–]vplatt7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is wildly insightful for men in general I think.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Amaizing, I’ve made the exact same experience. When I first heard the guys here talk about abundance mentality, I thought it meant having so much sex that you just didn’t feel like it anymore. But I’ve come to make the same realization as you, it’s about killing the validation seeking and owning your sexuality, and having your needs met in other areas to start with.

[–]FoxShitNasty835 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I'm going through the same during validation killing right now. I occasionally feel repulsed at who I was but in a good way.

[–]RicoDunne1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What your wrote. Sex not needed for validation or a Disney fantasy of being in "wuv". Sex for intimacy and pleasure instead.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A man without any water in the middle of the desert is likely going to only think about only one thing, ... water.

When you have plenty of water to drink you won’t think about it as much.

[–]CrazyLegs787 points8 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

I still have issues with this. I keep myself very busy between work, school, and gym. After I put my kids to bed, I most often prefer to go to sleep as well instead of messing with the wife. If she wants it, she makes it a point to get at me while I'm awake.

I find that timing is everything. That's why most red pilled men will tell you to disregard initiating at bed time. For me, weekends are prime time because I'm awake and ready to go. The occasional afternoon delight or early off from work is nice too.

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

This is one I'm working on. Weekday nights are usually not sexy for me, but that's when my fiancee is the most receptive. My best times are weekend mornings and afternoons, where I tend to get shooed away. I kinda get it since we just woke up and I haven't had time to mess around and put her on edge about the whole thing. It doesn't hurt my feelings, but that's when I'm most relaxed.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights6 points7 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I kinda get it since we just woke up and I haven't had time to mess around and put her on edge about the whole thing. It doesn't hurt my feelings, but

BS. You're in her frame. Stay the course. Do the work.

My wife was giving me the "I just woke up ... I don't look sexy ... my breath stinks ... in the morning" thing nine months ago. Now she "prefers" mornings. Interestingly enough ... that's the only time that works for me.

[–]JustAboutDone30702 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Did you just become attractive enough that your morning initiations were accepted? I ask because lately I’m just not feeling night time sex, I’m worn out and it’s just not what I’d like it to be.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights20 points21 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I became "attractive enough."

Look. I get it. I was there. End of day, after hustling the kids into bed, lights out, exhausted to the point of almost saying "I'd rather not" but if you don't get it now it could be 2 more months until it happens again, sex.

9 Months ago I found MRP and some genius here (raise your hand if it was you) posted the following question. "Would you fuck you?" One look in the mirror and I had my answer.

I got serious. I started the Stronglifts 5x5 program and hit it every M / W / F like clockwork. I figured out what the hell TDEE was, got my diet on point and lost 7% body fat and 20 lbs. in 4 months. Mrs. Easy starts working out regularly too. Funny that.

I read everything in the sidebar, twice, and then again. I mean everything. Every link. Every website. Every video. Every book. I read every single post, and every comment, that's been posted on here since April 15th, 2019 on MRP and askMRP. I went down every fucking rabbit hole. Every. single. one.

In the house when I saw shit that needed dealing with, I dealt with it. At first, I did it all. I lead by example. Everything. I cleaned toilets. Did laundry. Took out trash. Emptied closets. Changed the oil in the cars. Then I'd tell the kids ... "Hey ... is that where your shoes go?" Then I'd look at my wife and say "Hey ... is that where your clothes go?" If they gave me lip, I'd give them my best Eddie Murphy from "The Golden Child" look. I wasn't doing it for "Chore-play." I wanted the house fucking clean.

Then I started working out 7 days a week. M / W / F mornings was lifting. T / Th / Sat / Sun mornings was walking .. because that's all I could do. Other ladies in the neighborhood start finding more lawn maintenance to do. Funny that.

If you looked on my cell phone you'd notice that there were only 2 responses to every three of my wife's texts. There were no more emoji's or LoL in texts. No starting sentences with "I'm sorry ..." I didn't use the word "just." There was only logistics. I was busy. I had shit to do.

I found /r/malefashionadvice/ and fixed my wardrobe so that I wouldn't be confused for being a homeless man. I started getting complements from other women in front of my wife.

I grew my hair out and found a barber, who fucked it up. So I grew it out again ... and went to a new guy ... who fucked it up. I went to a third guy. I'm still fucking looking for someone to get it right. But it's close enough that my wife has started playing with my hair ... and her friends want to as well. Mrs. Easy good friend says "OMG, Easy ... look at that hair ... I just want to run my fingers through it! " then she just looks at my wife and says ... "I'm just going to have to sit on my hands (pouty face)." Wife is beaming. Funny that.

Then I added in a 45 minute walk every evening as well. I'm up to 7 days a week, twice a day workouts.
I have a weight vest on. I invited my wife along with me. We walk hills. It gave us a chance to catch up with each other at the end of the day, she got attention ... and I got in a workout. Multi-tasking. She also decides to start lifting weights. Funny that.

Along the way, the humans in my house learned that if I LEAD (actually DID the shit I knew I needed to) and they follow, our life got better.

So in the bedroom ... when I told my wife to leave the light on. She did it. When I said "Get down on all fours." She did it. When I pulled my wife's hair. She liked it. When she mentioned that her tits were sore from the night before, she cut herself off and said ... "but that's OK ... it's kinda hot." Then she started hinting about trying some kinky shit.

Why? Because I wasn't just "attractive enough" ... she WANTED to fuck. Mrs. Easy realized that fucking me was actually fun!

I initiate in the mornings because I wake up with a woody and that's all the justification I need to fuck my wife. I'm horny. Let's fuck.

Two nights ago my wife said. "Easy ... You can do whatever you want with me." Let that sink in. 9 months ago I was taking whatever scraps I could get. Now I have a "do whatever you want" buffet.

I don't know jack shit about you ... but I do know this ... your life isn't what you want it to be. Why is that?

It's all here man. All of it. No secrets. No pay walls. No bullshit. No hand-outs either.

Do. The. Fucking. Work.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret[M] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Enjoy your participation trophy on the main sub.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Cool. Thanks Steel. Appreciate the nod.

Does it come with a Soccer mom?

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Depends on how swole you are.

[–]throwawaybpdnpd0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Idk what’s your job but you could definitely make some good money (half a mil/year) as a freelance copywriter

[–]CrazyLegs781 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

OK, so use all this to your advantage and flip the script. During the week you need to be "warmed up," a little help getting your mind in the right place after a long day at work. Let her drive and you be the passenger. On the weekends, up the alpha and just take that shit! Or at least go after a hard no.

I can come show you how its done if you like...

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm, good thinking. Trying to find a balance since I have way more free time than she does with her being in grad school. I need to focus on planning a couple fun activities during the weekend when she does have time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

We're doing a lot of fucking on the kitchen floor while the kids are in another room. During dinner and washing up time. Something about my wife in the kitchen gets me hot and something about her face on the floor in there gets her wet.

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's somewhat where I'd like to get to. When I initiate in those situations I usually am met with an awkward laugh and a "not right now". This is fine and I go on with my day, but I don't see how that would ever change. I've tested with continuing after the "not right now" by laughing it off and continuing to be overtly sexual, but haven't had much luck and don't want to look too pushy/needy about it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I used to get that a lot too. Once I made the right changes and she wanted me again, she changed her tune and we laugh about the ridiculous crap I used to hear now. The time she finally let me put it up her ass and announced she loved it I knew I'd cracked it.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

That's why most red pilled men will tell you to disregard initiating at bed time.

I almost never have sex past 7pm. Last night, we had sex at around 7:30pm, and it felt weird because it had been so long, that late. But, once we got going...

[–]CrazyLegs781 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Its hard for me or her to say "no" with my dick in her mouth.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Pretty much

[–]i-am-the-prize1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Almost. I always wanted it more often than her... but as my game/frame/fitness improved 2 things happened.

1) our frequency more than doubled and more importantly no more starfish (ie: 1x maybe 2x a week to solid 3-4x a week) but like you, when i'm not doing it, i'm not fixated on it. I used to use sex for external validation and becoming OI and NGFAF and no scoreboarding changed that. I do not obsess about it anymore, but when I want it, lookout, she knows it's on.

2) my urge to Fap is gone. i was never into porn, sure I'd watch it a few times a year, but never paid for it or anything... but i was a daily fapper (going to bed routine). it hit me earlier this year, that the only times I'd done it was when out of town, bored in a hotel room. point is, it went from 7-9x a week to once every 2-3 months. this was not expected. she's noticed and comments/jokes about "getting more towels" due to the load size which is kinda funny

​

in summary:

  • I obsess about sex less
  • I get good sex more often
  • Fapping has organically nearly ended

[–]Iammrp21 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You don't mention porn use. Do your research.

Porn, prolactin, dopamine, coolidge effect. I'm assuming you're not using SSRIs since you didn't mention them. But I assume you do/have used porn even though it's not mentioned.

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Heavy, daily use during highschool/college, ages 13-21, then ramped down from there. Now I view it 2-3x/month. No SSRIs. I'll do some googling on the effects of its use.

[–]RStonePT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, it happens for a while.

Comes back soon enough

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have no desire to fuck trannies right now.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

Are you getting any atm though? If you're getting it as much as you want it, no need to obsess. If you aren't, different answer..

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ass to mouth, while fun to watch in porn is not something I would recommend in real life.

[–]ImNotSlash0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'll never understand this fad

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

I am about as often as I initiate, which is way less than I had been for a while. But since I'm not losing my mind over it my initiations have been half-assed honestly, leading to some half-assed sex on both of our ends. I probably just need to be more intentional and fun with it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Its growth. You aren't obsessing or butt hurt anymore. Get on with your journey in other areas and don't sweat it. When your balls need emptying, you'll get your interest back. But truthfully, I can't relate, my wifes tits and ass are hard for my cock to ignore.

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I'm concerned with the last sentence. My fiancee is attractive but not all that fit, she keeps to a healthy weight but does not work out at all. I guess that's where the 1000 ft rope concept comes into play. I see all these women at my climbing gym and it's night and day.

[–]coinbaserep1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same with my wife. She’s 5’4 120lbs and would say she looks great but if she worked out and lifted she would look amazing. She’s what you would call skinny fat even at 120lbs

She does occasional running on the spot and some body movement exercises but nothing to actually build any muscle

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do they do anything to your cock?

[–]bumpiesttoad[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I try to control the thing when in a public gym with gym shorts on. If I stared long enough, probably yes.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'd take it to mean that you have an interest in sex still. Just not with the woman in front of you.

[–]i-am-the-prize1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

yup. take your fiance to the climbing gym, let her see the other hotties.

use some Dread to get her cracking/get fit and able to turn you on.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This so matters to chicks. My wife literally told me she'd die if she was ever as fat as this one friend of hers. Then that friend lost a shit ton of weight and tried it on with me. The timing was great as it got my wife of her ass and back on board my boat again.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Dunno, I run test and want to fuck all day long and cannot stop looking at females.

[–]JoeBuckYourslf0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m 16 / 20 weeks on test deca dbol and i saved the dbol for the end.. I want to fuck anything that moves.

[–]creepcycle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Similar. After years of being turned down over and over, only to be met with occasional starfish sex, I gave up trying and started looking for other distractions. Still pissed off I'm not getting any, but getting 100% of the nothing I'm aiming for sort of gives my fate back to myself.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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