Depressed husband/infertility

cassandrarose39 · 2019-10-22T15:37:51+00:00

My hubby and I suffered through 4 miscarriages. We don’t have exactly the same story because after numerous testing it was discovered I had a blocked tube and a high ectopic pregnancy risk. Me getting pregnant is extremely risky because of this and some other issues that came up when I actually did get pregnant.

So I felt a lot like your husband. I felt a lot of “this life isn’t fair” also. I would get jealous over anyone who got pregnant too and several would while my husband and I went through yet another miscarriage. I had to go to therapy to deal with it and the effect it was having on my marriage.

We did go to a doctor to start IVF and the month before starting the hormone shots we got pregnant with our son. He was a premie but we finally got our child together! After he was born we did go through yet another miscarriage so my husband decided to get a vasectomy. Which ended up being the best choice for us.

I see no shame in going the invitro route! It doesn’t make anyone less of a person! You’re husband isn’t less of a man and remind him of that!

The_Invader_Kilz · 2019-10-22T16:01:13+00:00

Keep supporting and loving him. Make him feel like a man and be a little submissive than usual. Also, work on his diet and exercise. You will be surprised how much of a difference it can make to sperm count, quality and mobility. Keep scr*wing his brains out too and be super into him. That should help his confidence and self-esteem.

vintagegirlgame · 2019-10-22T21:48:00+00:00

Just like we need our women friends to support us thru hard times, men need the support of other men too. Unfortunately today’s culture doesn’t foster good men-only environments... but maybe you can help encourage him to spend time w his buddies. Make space for him to do some masculine activities or and excursion/trip based on some hobbies w his men friends. One-on-one time is good too. Does he have any brothers or cousins that he is close with?

Anything outdoors in nature can be extra helpful for anyone going thru a hard time. Fishing/hiking/camping/rock climbing/hunting/skiing/cycling/mountain biking/outdoor sports... Anything involving exercise will also help boost his mood. Guys don’t sit around all day blabbing about their relationships like girls do, but engaging in an activity with other men is their best way to bond, and yes they will talk about their struggles and support eathother. But they often need something to “do” first to open the door to seek support.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2019-10-22T15:43:49+00:00

Oh boy, this is a tough one and I feel for both of you. I've been reading up on Red Pill theory, so I will do my best to express my ideas from that perspective to the best of my understanding.

First, procreation is a fundamental drive in all of us. According to Red Pill theory, one of the factors a woman uses to select her mate is based on her estimation of his reproductive ability. If he is aware of this either consciously or subconsciously, then that could be the origin of his feelings.

Now, how should you help him? Therapy might be good, depending on the therapist. The problem is that if they throw a lot of blue pill stuff at him it could backfire. Maybe, I don't really know.

I think for now, the primary help should come from you. Men and women love differently. You should probably appeal to him on his level. Do you know his love language? If so, then respond to that - a lot. Reassure him that you love him regardless.

Introduce him slowly to the idea of IVF or adoption. If you go the adoption route, try to get a baby as young as possible.

Good luck!

mugatucrazypills · 2019-10-22T22:35:01+00:00

Part of being manly is coping skills. There will be always things you can do that others can do, or do more easily than you can't. A man deals with this and gets on his path. You can help him with that. You can't fall into a funk the first time one occurs. The best thing you can do is not pile on him, but pick a plan for what you are actually going to do together and get busy with it. Formal/Counselling is next to useless anyways.

If you do IVF, I would get to it sooner rather than later. Emotionally things will get worse before they get better. Sometimes things will suck. Either way. But you pick your path and fight on it together. A red pill woman would to me, be someone who is in a marriage as a collaborative enterprise. As someone says, "you build each other up and THAT is the therapy and you have a relationship. If your relationship isn't mutual therapy in a some way, what is it ? it's something but not a relationship"

LateralThinker13 · 2019-10-22T20:54:40+00:00

As someone who has been where your husband is now... I feel for him. But what he needs to understand is that blaming himself for how he was born is ridiculous. To the extent he's not doing what he needs that can improve things (lose weight, take supplements like Maca root, keto diet, etc.) that's on him. But if he's got a genetic issue going on, well that's insane.

Men do feel bad if they're the fertility issue, however. It's pretty hardwired into us. My wife and I are exploring options, as we've both got some things going into it (and an appointment Thursday to find out more). With 3 miscarriages behind us, well... pm me if you need to talk. I'm in the weeds on this one too, and can empathize.

[deleted] · 2019-10-22T15:24:19+00:00

Love him extra hard. Keep reassuring him that this is not his fault, he’s not a failure & that you love him regardless of whether y’all can and will have kids. Tell him this is something IVF can fix and that it’s perfectly fine. Ask him how he would feel if you were the one who couldn’t have kids, so he can hopefully say that he’d still love you through it and wouldn’t see it as a failure on you. Best of luck OP.

gildheart · 2019-10-23T03:50:50+00:00

I don’t have any advice for you, but as a woman who has also miscarried I am so, so sorry. I pray for peace for you and your husband, and wish all the best for you if you end up trying again. 💛

PhaedrusHunt · 2019-10-22T18:10:41+00:00

Hey finally I can open with "Man here."

Man here.

Ok, he needs some dudes to talk about this shit with. Bros that can cheer him up.

Fertility is through the floor, and it's not a sign of being less of a man. It's mostly environmental and lifestyle factors. It could just as easily have been you.

Would he think of you as less of a woman, or want you to feel bad if the situation were switched?

est-la-lune · 2019-10-22T15:43:07+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm glad to hear you have each other and you're here to support him.

It's very easy to become depressed about things we can't control, about the cards we're dealt. But remind him that his fertility issue isn't his fault and isn't something he can control, but that you do have options as a couple to overcome this challenge together. It's not the end of the road.

Here are two quotes that resonate with me:

"I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning." - Haruki Murakami

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” - Thomas Edison

What helps me the most is to find meaning from grief, by having a growth mindset. Remind him of his fundamental value as a person, of his strength. Maybe even about his value outside of fatherhood, such as his value as a son, a friend, a husband.

Someday when you're parents, he can model this character for your children - that he fought for something he valued, family. That he fought despite a challenge (his fertility issue) because he took advantage of opportunities that he had.

neoslicexxx · 2019-10-22T22:35:04+00:00

Speaking from experience, Clomid will give him confidence, energy, muscles, an overall sense of wellbeing, and has the potential to combo really well with ivf (if not fixing the issue outright, you weren't specific, try googling it). Get a prescription from your pcp or http://defymedical.com

razor_sharp_007 · 2019-10-24T17:51:15+00:00

Sounds like your husband isn’t American but George Washington had no children and was likely sterile. He’s the f*ing man though. The total pinnacle of masculinity in my book.

la_scozzese · 2019-10-22T17:50:08+00:00

I don’t have much advice, I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. We’re struggling with infertility too, and for us there are issues on both sides which sucks. Now looking into both IVF and adopting, since we always wanted to adopt anyway before we even knew we’d have fertility problems.

I get your husband. It’s hard, you feel like a failure, like you’re broken. There’s some great advice on this thread but the main things really boil down to being there for each other, listening and communicating without letting things fester.

My hopes and prayers are with you both.

bjjmonkey · 2019-10-22T17:28:31+00:00

My sisters are both IVF. It's common in my mind if more than half the kids in my family are IVF.

On a side note, my cousin takes care of his wife's kids from a previous relationship. And so does my gf's stepdad.

Some men that couldn't choose to be fathers are better fathers than the losers who chose not to be.

Distant_Timbers_Echo · 2019-10-23T00:55:27+00:00

Does your man hang out with buddies? Or is he an introvert? Hanging out with other men automatically increases the testosterone levels in men and that maybe what he's needing right now. If nothing more than just for his emotions. Good men need good men to hang around with as well as family.

GazeAtFlames · 2019-10-23T03:10:38+00:00

Look into Buteyko

mikelieman · 2019-10-23T00:59:42+00:00

How can I help him feel like he isn’t a failure due to this

You can't. When he took the red-pill, he chose a role and world-view which, being infertile, he believes he is unfit for.

He hates himself for being a beta, even though you don't see him that way.

The questions you need to ask yourself are, "What are my goals now?" and "How long can I tolerate his acting like this?"