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Looks like I'm getting divorced (self.askMRP)

submitted by got_my_bell_rung

Looks like I’m getting divorced. The shit hit the fan this morning. My wife suspects cheating, and left the house and hasn't come back (unusual for her). This is a new account so I can't post yet in OYS on MRP. If this isn't appropriate for this, mods let me know and I'll repost in OYS.

Mission:  To continue to help the sick the best way I can.  To provide my children with a positive role model.  To be a source of strength, for myself, and for others.       

Age 56.  Height 6’0”.  Weight 175 lbs.  Lifts: BP 225x8, DL (Hex bar) 345x2, Squat 265x5.  Soon to be ex-wife 57 years old 5’0” 100 lbs. Married 29 years.

Reading: NMMNG, WISNIFG, SGM, MMSLP

Family:

Two young adult daughters, both are finished with college and are doing well in good careers.  I am very close with both, as is my STBX.

Social/Hobbies:

I’m a golfer - I belong to a club and have a regular weekly golf game.  I’m part of a larger group of guys and play in club tournaments occasionally.  These guys though, are strictly golf friends. I don’t see them socially off the course.  I neglected my social life for many many years, as I made the mistake of giving it up to give all to my family.  I guess my kids benefited, but I see now that this was a big mistake. They would have been fine anyway, and I would have been much better off in the long run, if I actually had a social life away from my family when I was in my 30’s and 40’s.  I’m doing better with it now (I started with the golf group just a couple of years ago), but I feel like I still have a long way to go here. I don’t have anybody I can call to go out for a drink or dinner, and I’m going to have to change that.

Career/Finances:

I am a physician, and I’m in a good practice.  I’ve been the sole breadwinner for my entire marriage, even in the seven years after we were married, but before kids (looking back, this is a red flag).  I started with zero after medical school, and have handled all the finances, always. We are debt free, and I have accumulated enough assets that I could probably retire at age 60 (4 years from now) if I chose.  Well, that won’t be an option any more, after divorce, but I’ve come to accept that. My STBX has zero knowledge of money, saving, investing, etc. She shops, and I pay the bills. My fault for never putting a limit on this, although she was never abusive (compared to some women out there, I guess).  

Relationship

Married for 29 years.  My STBX is a stay at home mom, never working (for money) except for a 2 year period, when she worked part time.  She did tons of volunteer work as the kids were growing up. She developed a chronic illness about 11 years ago. It’s in the same category (to me) as fibromyalgia, Epstein Barr, and Chronic Fatigue syndrome - she has multiple debilitating symptoms, but there is no measurable disease.  All blood work and scans are always normal. She has spent tens of thousands of dollars on non-conventional “treatments” to try and get better, without much success.  

Sex

Zero.  None. For 11+ years.  Part of the time I had low testosterone (I was tested, but stupidly declined to treat), so the lack of sex didn’t seem as bad as it really was.  When I finally decided to get treated, about 5 years ago, my libido came back, and the lack of sex became a huge issue.  

I held out hope that things would get better, but I didn’t have a plan (not aware of MRP).  There were some discussions, which of course, led nowhere. The final discussion ended with her saying, “I guess I just shut that part of myself off”.  Onset of menopause probably didn’t help much.

I should have left years ago.  I know it. I didn’t have the guts.  I was afraid of being lonely. We got along well in every other way.  I felt guilt, because I was abandoning a sick person.  

I then broke with my lifelong values (honesty), and started cheating.  In the last year, I’ve banged nine different women, most from online dating sites.  I have a woman that I’ve been seeing regularly for the past 2 months. She just became suspicious this week (no hard proof), and immediately moved into the guest room.  It’s fine with me, because this just can’t go on like this. I hate sneaking around. I should have just left, instead of cheating. But what’s done is done. I have to figure out a way forward.

I alternate between feeling fine, and planning what to do next week to move forward with a divorce, and sick to my stomach, because I’m losing someone who is like a sister (not a wife) to me, and I did it in a shitty way.

I would appreciate any insight you guys have.  I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to about this, which is partly why I’m here.

Edited to add readings.


[–]The_LitzRed Beret 36 points37 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Brother, you have everything going for you Physically, status and money. You are top tier.

BUT, your mental game is not strong enough yet. Divorce or not, I would work on my mental game. Going forward you are bound to make the same mistakes over and over if your mindset is not in the game.

By this time you should have consulted a lawyer even before spinning plates. Seeing one does not mean you want a divorce, it means you are informed and willing to take risks you are comfortable with.

You feel bad leaving your wife, does she feel bad denying you sex and affection? Nope, she doesn't. Let that sink in.

As a side note, a question on my side. What is it with these women and fibromyalgia and its related diseases? I now know 2 guys that have bedridden wives with NO clear medical reason. In one's case no doctor would put his name on paper to support her disability claim. The medical costs are running into the hundreds of thousands.

Your thoughts as a physician?

[–]FoxShitNasty83 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My wife has the fibromyalgia thing. I think it goes in hand with other issues I.e arthritis and I rarely hear of someone who has just that on its own.

Regardless i took your advice and she dosent get a free pass. Muck in or fuck off.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You are right in pointing out that I should have consulted a lawyer before fucking other women. I did recently get a name of a family lawyer from my golf partner (he's a semi-retired lawyer, but not family law), but I put off calling. I'll be contacting her office Monday for an appointment.

I also understand that my wife not only doesn't feel bad about denying me sex. Quite the opposite. She thinks I'm not supportive of her and her illness because I think married people should have sex.

The fibromyalgia thing is a puzzle. I'm a Radiologist, so I don't treat patients (I interpret scans). I have a cousin who is a family practitioner, and he sees patients like this. He has said that he believes that psychiatry has a lot to offer, including medications such as Lyrica and Cymbalta. They were developed as second tier antidepressants, but they have unexpected effectiveness against certain symptoms, like nerve pain, nausea, and dizziness. Consult your physician, of course.

My wife has chronic Lyme disease. These women should be tested for Lyme disease with the Western Blot test, not just the ERISA test. They may have Lyme disease, which can be missed and written off as fibromyalgia.

Unfortunately, there is no good treatment for Lyme disease found late. Antibiotics work immediately after infection, but if the infection is initially missed, the antibiotics are much less effective in the later stages. My wife has been using alternative therapies, none of which are covered by insurance of course, with not great results.

[–]fannyfire 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She could try Lyrica but I don’t recall if that helps muscle pain. I was involved in a serious accident this spring where I had a bulging disc. The doctor prescribed me Lyrica because I would uncontrollably kick my legs around at night since my nerves were shot. The medicine was an absolute godsend because I could function throughout the day. I had a terrible mood during this time and was getting into fights with my wife for several months. Your wife may be more willing to come around if she is physically feeling better. If she’s constantly in pain you’re going to have a difficult time seducing her.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm in the healthcare field also ... And ya you can cure fibro and help Lyme but you have to be different... Ie can't keep trying to live/eat like a modern world person and hope to not be affected. Ie eat shit your body will be shit.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the insight. In the cases I mentioned one has Lyme disease confirmed ( apparently) and the other is just a crazy ass bitch. She Googles conditions the whole day and has been tested from A-Z. She remains undiagnosed untill this day. I can tell you how I caught her out as pretending to be sick but if is beyond our current discussion.

My main gripe is Google telling everyone they have a condition and people latch onto this, to the detriment of people suffering from actuall cases of rare conditions/diseases.

Edit: In the case of the one with Lymes disease I don't know her personally but know her husband. Crazy bitch I know well.

[–]wagweb 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Just as an aside, I have chronic Lymes (in remission now) it mimics the mentioned diseases. Go to a Lymes literate doctor LLMD. They will use more accurate testing like : Igenex that will also test for tick co-infection.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I wanted to add that my wife has gone this route, with a "Lyme literate" doctor. She was tested, and did come up positive for a co-infection (Babesiosis). Unfortunately, the treatments she has tried haven't worked at all.

[–]wagweb 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I had taken all different types of pharmaceuticals as well as natural products. I had my blood tested every month to monitor all kinds of things (but especially how my liver was handling the drugs). Through the worst of it my wife decided she wanted a divorce. I don’t think it ever really goes away, but I believe it can go into a remission. Right now I am doing good for the longest remission phase so far - not quite a year but getting close.

Edit: I’m just noticing you are the OP. At least you have looked into lymes as a possible problem.

2nd Edit: If she has a tick borne co-infection she may have more and also still have undetected Lymes. No matter what becomes of the two of you - she might want to see a different doctor.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Since her case was handled poorly by her regular doctor, and the infectious disease specialist she saw early on, she's lost faith in all "Western medicine". She only seeks out alternative therapies. That's fine, but to ignore everything else isn't helpful, and I can't convince her otherwise.

[–]hack3geRed Beret 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I actually wonder if the fibromyalgia is related to hormone issues. Many of the symptoms are similar to those with low E2.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude goes through the motions, is an all out provider, never thinking about himself, then wakes up

WTF is there to feel guilty about ?? eleven fucking years ? seriously ?

Nmmng.

WINIFG.

Your eyes should fuvking be bleeding from reading theses two books and they are first on the sidebar.

At what point do you stop dying ? And, start living ??

I am so sick to death of your type that has a leach at home that adds no fuvking value at all, and you make all kinds of excuses to be the white knight. She is a cunt, and is sick out of pure guilt of using her beta

Edit. My best friends wife is the exact same type and has literally destroyed him. He is basically alive to serve her and she makes jokes with my wife about denying him sec all the time, but admits she has a bald eagle for some guy some day..... fybomyalga and all that fucking bullshit

[–]EasyDaysHardNights 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Dig into the Divorce Advice section on the MRP sidebar ASAP.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Will do.

[–]some12talk2 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My wife has had chronic lyme disease for over a decade. It’s real, it’s slowly degenerative. Your wife will be able to do less and less and you will need to do more and more. Sex is out of the question after a number of years.

Your married life as you knew it, or imagined it, is over, even if you had never cheated. If you remain married as a caregiver, your quality of life will substantially decrease due to every thing you need to do (I’m doing laundry this minute), and what she can’t do (groceries, concerts, vacations). It is the boiled frog, things change slowly but you will boil.

Caregiver rule one is care for yourself first. If you don’t make yourself a priority, you will end up unable to properly care for others. Rule two: stay sane. Do what you need to. If celibacy is driving you crazy, don’t be celibate. Don’t tell others, they want caregivers to be saints.

If you get divorced your quality of life will be better. You will be happier. You will have less money but more than enough.

If you file for divorce, you will appear to have abandoned the caregiver role when things got tough. If she files for divorce it will appear that she did not appreciate all you did as a caregiver.

Honesty depends on kindness. Fat people don’t want to be told they are fat. Stupid people don’t want to be called stupid. How much honesty does your wife want? For my wife, I said after long talks “I will not be celibate”, there was no further conversation ever, don’t ask, don’t tell. If she needs you a lot, it can be kind to give her the denial to allow you to continue to be a married caregiver.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Everything you say here resonates with me. In the early years, when she was totally debilitated, I did laundry, grocery shopping, drove the kids to school and activities and birthday parties. I took her to doctor appointments.

Sex has been off the table for years. Unlike your wife, mine can't or won't understand why I would go outside the marriage for sex. She backed off her rhetoric today, and is hedging about wanting a divorce now. She still suspects cheating. I told her I'm moving forward with divorce, and it's not just up to her.

[–]some12talk2 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She is going to play the victim card now, abandoned while ill. She will tell your kids, relatives, friends, social circle, judges. David Foster’s ex wrote the book on being dumped with lyme.

As much as possible you need a counter narrative that this was a mutual decision, that the marriage was not working for either of you. That you would like to continue to be friends and supportive of her.

This means you will keep your dating activities out of social media, and not have dates meet your kids. You will appear on social media as living the life as a lonely monk, content in your solitude. Meanwhile have fun!

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

She is a big follower of Yolanda Foster, and her history with Lyme, and bought the book you referenced.

Social media is not a problem, since I don't use it. I have an Instagram account, so I can see what my daughters post. I have Twitter to follow news sources. No Facebook.

I never post. Only here (lol).

[–]nothestrawberrypatch 13 points14 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Dude, I hate to break it to you, unless you already know. You’re going to be paying her spousal until the day you die. I’m sure you know what’s going to happen with assets - I’m talking to a physician here.

Someone said to me when I started my divorce “Prepare for the divorce battle”. I didn’t believe them, I thought my ex was going to be logical and shit would be hunky dory. He was right. Prepare for the divorce battle.

You’re feelings on the cheating. Number one never confess. Deny. Deny. Deny.

Accept what you did and move on.

Recognized where you failed, and how you will never allow yourself to be in that situation ever again. You had no sex for 11 years because you were a fuckin pussy, then your wife lost so much respect for you that you repulsed her to ever have sex with you again. Duuuuuude. Figure out what the fuck happened there.

You have potential here, it’s a mans world. Just recognize that this next few years for you is going to suck financially before it gets better, unless you have IDGAF money. Then plate and enjoy life.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for all the advice. I'm in a state that will require me to pay lifetime alimony. And I'll lose half if everything. Thankfully I find my work meaningful, and I'm ok with working longer than I originally planned. Also, I'll still be in pretty good shape overall, just obviously, half as good as before.

You're absolutely right that I must have been insane to allow things to go on so long. If I can DEER a little, I was diagnosed with low testosterone (190) in my early 40's, but declined to treat it (I was incorrectly afraid of increased prostate cancer risk). Low T probably made me more passive about the lack of sex. Once I was finally treated, the sex thing became huge. My wife blames TRT for a chunk of our issues.

I plan on plating after things settle down. I will never marry again, and I'm not sure that and LTR would even be possible for me after this.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

100%. I would just straight up offer 50 50 split on all assets and a by the book alimony and spouse support payment. Leave the lawyers out of it. You’ll be paying for her lawyer after all and she can drag the divorce proceedings out for several years longer then the state allowed max. Fortunately you can threaten retirement in which case she’s screwed for spousal support of any magnitude.

Deny deny deny any cheating. Although in most states it shouldn’t matter but when judges are involved it’s a toss up.

Edit - yeah low T and then treatment really flips your life around. I went 6 months without treatment, not knowing what was wrong just that something was. It’s crazy how many folks go on like this. I can see how things happened for you the way they did. Good luck.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I haven't admitted anything to her, and I don't plan to. I see no benefit to admitting it. It will only hurt her, and make her fight harder in a divorce.

I'm talking to a friend tomorrow who I believe used a mediator for his divorce. I'm looking forward to hearing about his experience.

I knew I was low T for years, and made the huge mistake of not getting treated. I'll never forget the feeling after the first few doses (I started with transdermal, and eventually moved to injections). The change in mood and energy was phenomenal.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mediators are a great route. All of our assets worth anything tangible were in my 401k retirement account, so that was an easy split. We both had leverage on the other party should things get ugly, so we both agreed to keep things amicable. Our marriage of 10 or so years ended more like an annulment. Don't know why so many people go through messy divorces, the courts have a formula for everything, so it's not like there is a lot of ambiguity to fight over. You end up treating the courtroom like a super expensive mediation session. My old coworker was in a situation extremely similar to yours and his ex was a nasty as they could get (mental illness) and she screwed him over because she refused to budge on anything and constantly asked for twice what she was entitled to and he had to pay for her lawyer to screw him over. The legal system is so utterly F'd up to how it treats these high earner / low earner scenarios.

[–]nothestrawberrypatch 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I trust you know better than I. I hope it goes well for you and you have enough money that she just takes it without digging.

Edit: my advice is just to get it settled within a few months, before lawyers and her friends get into her head. Draw up an agreement with a cheque in hand.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I was in a similar situation. Went the lawyer free route before every one else got in her head. Totally saved my ass. Avoid the courts at all costs as long as you can and keep things as informal as you can. There isn’t a lot to fight over. If she just wants 50% of assets and a stipend then do it. You can go online and find out what alimony will be. But basically it’s gonna be 50% of your income and you’ll be responsible for her health care costs including insurance in most cases too so it might get closer to like 60-40. And it’ll stretch out until you stop working.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I figured this would be the case. I plan on telling her that by avoiding lawyers, it will preserve assets, which will benefit her in the end.

[–]nothestrawberrypatch 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m in the middle of a divorce, the moment her friends got into her head she turned into a monster. The lawyers have now won, and we’ve got no where.

We tried a free mediator at first, we were ONE clause away from finishing. She flipped out when I said what I was initially offering to pay spousal on the basis of what my council had told me, her council told her some astronomical amount, she left the meeting tantruming and served me with papers a few weeks later - just because she can.

It’s amazing how these women have no control over their emotion, how easily they can be triggered and how much responsibility they do not take for their actions. If I didn’t have MRP, TRP through this I would have gone fucking nutts. Stoicism is key during these times. STFU, and Understanding women’s nature has really helped in accepting her actions for what they are. AWALT.

If I could suggest, set up a mediator with your lawyer present, and make sure she has one too. This is the only way to do it. That way she feels protected, and you feel protected too. Establish before the meeting starts that you want to leave this room today with a signed agreement in order at all cost, even if it takes 12 hours - It’s worth it.

[–]nothestrawberrypatch 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also women don’t care about what [monetary amount] benefits her in the end, if she’s pissed off, she will want to fuck you over because she will see that as [emotionally] benefiting her in the end.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

OK, you never said whether you want a divorce. You’re a doctor, and you left out a vital detail like that?

11 years! Fuck! I knew you were on TRT as soon as I saw your lifts at 56. Hood for you. What dosage are you on, and so you take an estrogen blocker or do anything else in Conjunction with the TRT. I give blood every 3 months to keep red blood cells in check. I wanted to ask since you’re a doctor and might have more input. My libido is through the roof, but the last time I tested , I was off the charts (+1600 T level). When I did a cross reference formula with free T, I estimated my total T at 2200, but I’ve cut my dosage since then, concerned about LT side effects.

Anyway, get with an attorney and check what your state’s alimony guidelines are. Some states are much worse or much better than others. Most states split the assets 50/50, but everything is negotiable... for example, you could give her more of the 401k to pay less alimony. That’s just 1 of many examples.

Let the guilt go- it doesn’t serve you. If you feel you made a mistake, acknowledge it (to yourself, not her), and move forward. My opinion is she broke marital vows by not having sex for 11 years, but other than that MRP is amoral.

With your occupation and lifts, you will slay pussy. You will probably get women half your age. I’m 52, and I was separated for a brief tome last year, and I closed a 26 yr old same day I met her (on my living room couch). She liked to be choked, but that’s just me reminiscing. I wouldn’t get too wrapped up with the dating sites, but if you do, make sure you wrap it every time. These days, you can go to TArget and other stores and get phone numbers and get laid pretty easily.

Read the entire side bar. That will help you more than you know.

I agree with others about keeping lawyers out. Find out from an attorney the general guidelines in your state, and then try to settle with her. Do your best to keep it amicable. Trust me there. If she goes full lawyer Rambo, you won’t have much choice though.

What made her suspect you are cheating? She must have found something to just end it like that. Are you sure she’s not cheating and saying you are to deflect - that’s very common, and in that scenario she may have no clue about your cheating. Usually one or both will cheat in a sexless marriage... especially 11 ducking years... but that’s neither here nor there.

what do you want?

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

What I want, is a relationship with a woman who desires me, and shows it in the way she fucks me. I know for certain that my wife will never do that. Therefore, I want a divorce. A year ago, when I started screwing other women, I was too afraid of the concept of divorce. In my current situation, I'll have no choice, so I'll go ahead and do it needs to be done.

TRT dose is relatively small. I'm on 40 mg every three days of test Cyp. That puts my total testosterone and free testosterone in the normal range. My hematocrit rose from 39 pre-therapy to 41 post therapy. 41 is still in the middle of normal range, so I have no worries there. I do take an aromatase inhibitor (estrogen blocker). I apparently aromatize like crazy, and my prolactin rose just from physiologic dose TRT. It's now normal with the blocker.

Thanks according encouraging words about the women I'll be getting. I have to admit I was with a 32-year-old Brazilian woman last week, and it was pretty spectacular. I need to call her and get together again.

I'm working on letting the guilt go. That's been a tough one, but it's been getting easier. I have a good therapist that's been helping on that front. He's been encouraging me (well, giving me permission) to divorce since I started seeing him. I emailed him today, and he said he'll help me through the process of ending this "loveless" (his word) marriage.

And I agree that she broke her vow way before me. I say, how can you be cheating on someone you're not actually having sex with?

[–]markpf73 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Here’s the problem with your “want”.

You want a relationship with a woman who desires you.

This comes from a place of neediness and not abundance. You need to crush that part of you. The pussy and desire is just a byproduct of a man’s life done right. Let these words sink in or you’ll just be back in the same place in 5 years.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I understand that, when you put it that way. It's a lifelong mindset, that I am working to change.

The fact that I'm embracing divorce, even though I know it will be a hard road, it a huge change for me, mentally. Like many others here, I used to be terrified of losing her. With the help of the sidebar materials and the sub, I've come to realize that she's benefitted from the marriage FAR more than I have, and she should be terrified of losing me. Even though she get big bucks in a divorce, it won't compensate for all the other things I've brought to the table over the years.

[–]Awakeningof17 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This. I'm in the middle of divorce right now and had similar thoughts about wanting a relationship with a woman who respects and desires me, at first.... then I realised I'd be going down the same road to ruin with that mindset. Forget about serious relationships with women, you're definitely in no place to even contemplate that. Look after your assets (as best you can) and get some younger pussy dude. Also, don't beat yourself up about the cheating.... we've all been dealt the same false reality and have similar backgrounds. This is the second coming for you, get to work.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm on 40 mg every three days of test Cyp. That puts my total testosterone and free testosterone in the normal range.

What do you think about doing 20mg every other day? I’ve been trying it for the last couple weeks, and it seems like it’s improved my libido and functioning like a 20 yr old. Not sure if it’s psychology or not... but I also wonder if it’s healthy shooting a small dose every other day

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think that the dose you are taking is totally reasonable. Injecting more often won't give a higher peak level. Actually, it will smooth out the peak and the tough levels i.e. less fluctuation of your levels through the week. I don't know that there is much benefit breaking up your weekly dose into EOD rather than twice a week, but if you feel better, keep going and see how it feels long term. There is no real downside except sticking yourself more frequently.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Seek legal guidance asap. Does she know you've cheated? Not sure what she would expect after 11+ years of abandoning your sexual needs, but it's obviously best if she doesn't know about it.

You need to mentally prepare for war, you are feeling sappy about losing someone like a sister, while she'll be selling revenge for "what you've done to her and abandoning your marriage" as if she didn't Anand the marriage herself.

Since she doesn't work, get ready to give up half your income, half your retirement savings, half your pension, half, half, half. Luckily your kids are grown, so that should only cost you so much.

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What has she added to your life?

What does she currently add?

Why have you been dragging an anchor around for years? It's deadweight and will sink your ship if she happens to dig in.

[–]wagweb 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry to hear that. I was seeing a nurse practitioner. She employed both conventional and alternative therapies with me and kept an eye on my bloodwork the whole way. It was a three year process - but I had it a long time before it was caught. I’m wishing you both all the best.

[–]Aechzen 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

In the last year, I’ve banged nine different women, most from online dating sites.

Good for you.

I have a woman that I’ve been seeing regularly for the past 2 months.

Good for you.

You need a lawyer yesterday. If you're wealthy maybe you already have somebody on retainer. If that person does not specialize in divorce, you need a referral.

You need a plan for whatever your wife is cooking up. She might be just pissed, and spending less time with you or maybe she's seeing her own lawyer. You need to have a plan and a vision for what you'd like to offer and counter-offer her in terms of financial settlements.

There's a chance she will just come home and nothing will change. You should already have divorce papers ready to go either way.

PS: This is too little, too late now, but it's easier to explain where you are and what you're doing while you're banging other women if you have hobbies that realistically match up with where you are and what you're doing. Not a lot of golfing in the dark. You should maybe also have some hobbies that meet at night.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the feedback. Fortunately, the woman I'm seeing is available daytime, so the golf story has been working so far.

I've got a two referrals - one for a mediator, and one for a lawyer. We'll see which way it goes.

And you're right, I need to legitimately get out more in the evenings, to give me more flexibility.

[–]tap0988534 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Although feminism tries to quash the truth of it, abandoning sex is marital abandonment. The state's stamp on a piece of paper doesn't make a marriage. She divorced you 11 years ago.

[–]rhino1979 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m going thru the same thing my man. I haven’t stepped out but it’s been a year since we’ve been intimate. We get along for the kids but I’m starting to look forward to my new life. If you need someone to talk to let me know.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Curious, Do you actually want a divorce? Your at the age that a non traditional marriage would work and is increasingly common. If it’s just the sex issue - Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist with your wife? I’m related to one and can tell you that she fixes this kinda stuff every single day. It’s often quite easy so long as both parties are willing to say what they want and are willing to try things that might make them uncomfortable but that would make their partner happy. It’s amazing how when couples start fucking again all of their other problems melt away.

It’s also worth mentioning that you really need to communicate with the kids how much their mom means to you. And to mean it. Even though they’re older it’ll be a highly traumatic experience for them - statistically assures. this to is why a lawyer free divorce is important. It’s damn near impossible to lie to your kids. And whatever good will you have towards their mom will go away in a messy divorce.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret 5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Sex therapist? Dude, every poor schmuck in r/deadbedrooms has been to one at least once. It works for about a month and then it goes back to what it was.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is the more likely scenario here.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah. I'm not gonna disagree. I will say that If your the type of person that goes on reddit and bitches about your sex life, well odds are you aren't putting in the work that good therapy requires. Or you just don't want to admit to yourself that your partner disgusts you but your too much of a coward to do something about it. Using deadbedrooms probably isn't a good data set for quantitative analysis.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

For me, I would say the second applies. I didn't have the guts to leave.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not taking away the work a sex therapist, or any therapist, does for someone with concrete real issues, but in out modern society a therapist has become like a hair dresser or barber. Everyone has one and insists you should see theirs.

Seeing a sex therapist is very close to negotiating desire. If it is not there, it is not there. No amount of coaxing, mindfulness and tantric breathing will create a spark.

Real issues such as abuse, religious guilt etc are another ball park, but in hindsight one should have vetted better.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I live in a town of 20,000 people and there are about 10 therapists. In my whole state of ~7M people there are only about 100 licensed sex therapists. I'm not really sure that 'everyone' sees one. Seeing a therapist once or twice a year is probably something all adults should consider doing considering how fucked up the average persons mental health is in the US. Your right though, if desire is not there, it's pretty hard to create. Sex abuse, et al are all issues that can be worked through even though the underlying damage never goes away.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My kids/young adults are aware that there are serious issues in my marriage, and we may not stay together.

I would prefer to stay together, but only if there is a sex life that includes genuine desire from both of us. That's a big ask right now. I'm not particularly attracted to her after all this time of being rejected. I can't see her ever being enthusiastic about fucking me, given our lackluster sexual history since the beginning of our relationship.

Having been with other women over the last year, I've seen what it can and should be like. Of the nine or so women I've fucked in the last year, they have all been better than my wife. The toothpaste is out of the tube.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

After being in a monogamous relationship for almost 16 years, when I first started fucking other women it was like the highest high I ever felt. My ex and I had ok sex on a regular basis, but wow I had no idea what I was missing out on. I'm back in a monogamous relationship, and while I love my wife and she's fucking incredible in bed, it's still tough not to try and fuck the hot neighbor/coworker/etc.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

My wife would never go for open marriage. Frankly I'd rather not have to deal with her that way. If you were to ask me how she adds value, well, she does my laundry, does some of the grocery shopping, and cooks meals. She has been cleaning the house herself for the last 1.5 years. We had a housekeeper and)or nanny the previous 25 years. So, I'd say that in terms of added value, there's very little there.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is where alot of women find themselves. Or guys... They coast and don't work on themself and soon find that they do not add value to the relationship, and even perhaps devalue it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

OK, It was just a thought. Works for some people. Yeah, it sounds like you're clearly done with her. Adds value by 'grocery shopping', and you had a nanny and housekeeper too, WTF rich american women. I don't know how you made it this long - damn. I couldn't live with myself at night being that unproductive.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

She's had a great deal, courtesy of the blue pill/beta bux me. I gave her anything she wanted, with virtually no exceptions, and she lived her life exactly how she wanted. I wish I had that ability... I'm working on developing it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

F'ing crazy how much of that is just low T.
I bet that's common w/ working in health care / hospitals. For both men and women's hormones to be all out of whack. I mean your working in a high mental stress environment but also as least physically taxing as possible (perfect temp/perfect RH/sterile). Standing, walking, and socializing though probably helps. But our bodies are designed for less mental stress and more physical stress. Then went you went on TRT and your hormones started getting back in balance your mindset really started to change. It's not like any of us wanted to be beta bux, it was just a poor career choice.
For me it was when I went into IT management that it got the worse. Honestly, it might not be what your wife ever wanted either but the money made it so easy to be a princess. The only issue I have - and it's been years since I read any of it so I'm working off memory - with a lot of the sidebar books and the what we would call a 'beta bux situation' is that they're written from a male's vantage point of female motivations and ambitions in these situations. It's like some of them fully dismiss the impact that society has on female career ambitions. What I call the modern 'disney princess' effect - in which the whole of the world spins around what she wants. Entitlement syndrome. For the longest time culture made it so that men were entitled and the heroes of all stories, and now culture is flipping the script, swinging the pendulum in the other direction. Well, that was a rant.

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My therapist uses the same term to describe her mindset as I've seen used here - solipsism. She's in her own bubble, and only sees things to the extent they impact her personally.

See grew up well off, in a low pressure environment (easy going parents with no real demands or expectations of her). I was so passive when I was young that I that accepted that aspect of her personality by marrying her, and enabled it after we were married.

It's definitely a case of I wish I knew then what I know now.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's eerie how many people on this board probably relate to that exact same story. I wish I knew then what I know now.

[–]mrpmonk -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been the sole breadwinner for my entire marriage, even in the seven years after we were married, but before kids (looking back, this is a red flag).

I'm a young medical graduate, dept free and starting my career. How is that a red flag? Shouldn't the man be the provider of his family?

[–]got_my_bell_rung[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes.

I meant that when we were first married, I was in residency, making a resident's crappy salary. She chose not to work at that time, even though her income would have been extremely helpful. There was no reason for her not to work, except she didn't feel like it.

When I finished my training, my income shot up, and it didn't matter whether or not she worked at that time.

Her choice to not work during the limited time that we needed extra money shows her to be a princess. That's the red flag I was referring to.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not sure if you're trolling. Short answer is maybe only while your offspring are not in all day school. Having a similar occupation spouse has many tangible benefits to you and your kids. Would you rather have a lawyer/engineer wife raising your kids, or a hairdresser/barista? Would you rather get divorce raped or contribute More or less equally to building wealth? Smart men don't marry down economically.

[–]Perfectinmyeyes 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Don't know tell that to all the women's lib advocates and equal pay/opportunity movements.

[–]mrpmonk 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly. What brought me to the redpill was how I got fascinated about the case against feminism in modern era through well-written books. Now I'm baffled, are we asking women to chip in and contribute "equally" so we save our ass and assists if divorce ensues?! I don't get it. I thought sex is not about genitals, but sexuality as a whole

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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