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TLDR; 37 years as a White Knight, I maintain frame with an LTR's ultimate shit test, break up, find the Red Pill, and feel wonderful, thanks.

37.75 years ago, Vietnam vet dad and second wave feminist mom get stuck inside during a blizzard. 37 years ago yesterday, out squirts yours truly. It's been a long road to getting to the Red Pill, and it's saving my life. Here's my story.

Mom was a young nurse, dad was a returned Vietnam vet working his way through law school. They met, got married, mom helped support him through law school. Then, as his career went forward, she didn't appreciate the lack of involvement on the home front. She loses her shit one night after dad tells her to shut the screaming 2-year old version of me the hell up while he's trying to relax on the couch, and divorce ensues. Dad gets stuck with the usual child support routine, and I ended up being raised as a Blue Pill/White Knight when it comes to women, and was raised almost exclusively by women (mother, grandmother, aunts, etc.).

Problem is, I am Alpha in my head when it comes to almost everything else. The amount of cognitive dissonance this has caused me over the years is staggering, and I'm just now getting my head around it all. I wasn't physically active, my intelligence translated into me being a bookwormy, soft sort, addicted to video games since I was 8, and largely ended up as a mess as I tried to balance my inner nature with what I had been programmed to believe and act.

My relationships with women have been staggeringly disastrous. I pull women to me as I initially come across as confident as fuck (“I thought you were arrogant as hell when I first met you...and I wanted to fuck your brains out” said a plate I never took the courage to spin), and then watch the relationships turn into such much pain and suffering as I shift from the initial Alpha behavior to Beta patterns. Regrettably, I never learned my lessons along the way.

One failed LTR when I was twenty-two actually pushed me hard into what I now recognize as TRP, but it ultimately didn't stick. I gave myself a purpose, and enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. I lost 65 pounds to get in, and another 35 once in. I did well during my service, and my superiors pushed me into leadership roles as well as Instructor positions. And, like so many dumbfuck Marines, I ended up getting married.

Oh, what a mistake. Not only am I the idiot who tried to Blue Pill a marriage, but I selected the wrong women with not nearly enough examination of the situation. Want to know how stupid I was? Despite being a BLEEDING VICTIM of domestic violence, with her getting carted away in handcuffs, I proceeded to bail her out of jail, loaned her the money for Anger Management classes, and tried to save the trainwreck of a marriage. One problem of an Alpha mindset is I often do not know when to give up. Eventually, she filed for divorce. Then, despite me driving away from it all with nothing but what I could fit into my car and leaving her with all the furniture/etc. which we received in the marriage, she tries to get alimony, my GI bill, and savings bonds. Luckily, she neglected to TELL her divorce attorney about the domestic violence incident, and I don't lose everything.

I move back home after the Corps. I try to start over. Get a HB 8 19 year old girlfriend when I'm 26, work full time, go to school in the evenings trying to better myself and obtain a real career. And then, proceed to fuck it up ALL over again with the Blue Pill, as I lose ambition and don't maintain frame. See above about me not learning lessons.

Years go by of me floundering, turning into AFC. Though, if there's one constant in my life, it's that when I tap into my Alpha-ness, I end up doing great (especially when there is no poon to distract me). I regain my focus, I get myself back to school to finish my B.A., kick ass, am given much respect in my field, offered a graduate assistantship, etc...and also proceed to get involved with yet another crazy bitch.

So this is four years ago. We go into LTR mode, move in...and it's not awesome, but fuck, at least I'm not alone, and have pussy when I want it. I do, however, keep pushing myself and striving for a career. She says she doesn't want kids, which is fucking awesome to me, as I don't want to raise them. But her not wanting kids is the tip of the Selfishness Iceberg with this woman; it is ALL about her.

Over the duration, I get my B.A. and my first Master's, using my GI Bill to pay for it all. Meanwhile, my girlfriend has her parents pay for her degree and then does nothing with it, working a phone sales job making shit for money. I knew I wanted to be a teacher, and in order to bypass the bullshit education route, I get myself into an extremely prestigious national program that puts high performing college graduates into the classroom.

We move across country (take a guess who paid for the movers/expenses?). I start teaching, and am living the dream. Though...something is wrong. I'm working 70+ hour weeks as I teach AND work on my second Master's. I keep the house from becoming completely filthy. I do any heavy chores, I do the cooking. I am responsible for Date Nights. She works a crappy office job that she got when she moved out here, complaining constantly, and never working overtime. She comes home every day, never seeking to have any social outlet or hobbies or friends. At one point she signs up for a sewing class, goes to one, and then quits because “the instructor didn't seem helpful.” Her 'cooking' consists of making a pan of brownies and then devouring them. Her upper arms start to be bigger than my calves. I am my usual glutton for punishment and too stubborn to admit failure.

But there was something changing inside me. I kick ass at work. I let my Alpha self come out more and more, and work with disadvantaged youth at our school, pushing them and getting accolades as my students show high growth. I get promoted. I get a perfect score on my Master's thesis and graduate with my second advanced degree that immediately translates into a raise. And I start looking at my situation....and the Red Pill begins to go down my throat.

I decide to buy a house, using what I saved from work and won from playing poker. However, as LTR girl has no ambition and no savings, I state that she is welcome to live there, but I will not buy the house with her, and will require a modicum of rent, at what I estimate is 20% less than her monthly living expenses.

She loses it, calling me selfish and trying to 'profit' off her, and that she will only pay ½ utilities (but I know none of her other behavior will change). I somehow maintain frame, and refuse to alter my position, because at this point my inner self KNOWS I'm being used as Beta Bucks (if not in that terminology yet).

I end it after her final tantrum, and end up once again at the end of a LTR staring at the wreckage wondering WTF just happened. I spend the summer trying to figure it out...and as I search the web for relationship info...I stumble upon /r/theredpill.

Why do my eyes hurt? Because I've been screwing them shut for the past thirty-seven years, and have only just begun to use them. The info and discussions I've read on this subreddit have been essential to my sanity and regaining a sense of purpose. I've started to be physically active again, and am in initial training/physical rehab to get to lifting. I have a house that I own. I'm focused on my career as my primary purpose (You lose money chasing women, but never lose women chasing money), and am kicking more and more ass. I've begun working on lessening my addictions. I am self-examining and striving for self-improvement. I feel like TRP is giving me my sense of self back, and a touchstone from which to move forward from here.

So, thanks. It could have gone a different way. I could have gone back to her, wailing and pleading like the Beta I know I can be. But that's not what's going to happen, and I'm Going My Own Way now. And it's going to be a great next thirty-seven years. Thank you.


[–]frankferri1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like you've never really experienced a time with multiple plates. If you're set on going TOW, go for it, but I know I'd at least want to know the alternative RP style.

[–]Hobbesandmath[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really haven't. I have been stuck in a serial monogamist pattern for all too many years. I worry that it is the root of my problem. Right now, it's focus on myself and my career.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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