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Red Pill TheoryNew Red Pillers, don't fear approach rejection like you feared relationship rejection. (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by [deleted]

If someone in the past jumped into a relationship with you and did the bangy bang, feel good about yourself. You probably weren't dumped because someone found out you're a secret serial killer or hamburgler. They probably dumped you for business reasons, namely:

You stopped providing a passionate, masculine presence.

You became a Netflix schlub or a Never-Ever-Goes-Away annoyance or you started trying to use her as a personal therapist instead of a fuck toy (gotta choose one or the other most of the time).

In short, it wasn't about you.

Your strategy might have been off. Ok your strategy was off. But do you hang all your self worth on how good you are at Battleship or Space Invaders? Because as much as you might want to deny it, it's all just a game.


We all swell up with pride when we get our first attractive lay. It makes me feel good about me. Now experienced men with high value might lay the same girl and think, "Eh."

It's not because he's a dick. It's because he's played the game so many times this particular challenge doesn't offer the same reward.

He's not a dick.

She's not a terrible person.

They're just two people who play and enjoy the game.


Begin separating your ego from your outcome.

If you are constantly with a woman, always saying yes and serving her every desire, I guarantee that woman does not know or understand you. Why?

One, you're still trying to buy her affection with services. You probably feel guilty about being away from her for very long without checking in. You still feel that she doesn't like you for who you are, but rather what you can give.

But you don't admit that to yourself. You embark on the relationship of self-discovery, hoping to drill a hole in her heart and brain instead of using the ready and willing hole that's already there.

That's the ego talking. It says, "Now that we're together, she needs to see me for who I am so that we'll be inseparable!"

The be version of you comes into the conflict with the do stuff version. You start thinking that this is a magical land where love is based on presence and tethered soulmates rather than moment-to-moment, day-to-day, hour-to-hour action and intrigue.

That's when you begin to fail.


Ok just separate your ego from everything.

When a woman smiles and accepts your offer for a drink, she's accepting the action and the drink. She's not accepting you. You could be a murderous Brazilian bounty hunter crack addict (some women might prefer this over boring dudes), but she's not thinking about that. She's thinking,

This man has initiated action. I wonder how far he'll take it. I wonder how far I'll let him take it.

None of this depends on who you are. It depends on what you're doing in that moment. If you take a shot of adrenaline and a sugar pill that you're convinced is Every Woman Love You for an Hour Extreme, then you have a much better chance of having some fun regardless of whether you're a philosophical librarian who dresses in a leotard and sings karaoke or a doctor who has a straight up velcro fetish.

It's the actions you take in that moment.

How is that not personal?

Those actions are all variations on a theme. They're all the same actions men everywhere have been taking for years. Men text. Less men, more surprising men, call. Men look away when they're nervous. Less men, more confident men, maintain eye contact.

These are not magical movements that you have invented. They are not your calling card. A woman might tell you, "I loved the way you ... on our first date." She actually means, "I love the fact that you ... on our first date."

That leads to...


You are way more like other men than you think.

Embrace it.

You know who are all extremely similar? Every guy walking around thinking he's the different one. That's fully concentrated Blue Pill right there. You are absolutely no different from most of us.

Women want you to think you are different because it's an easy way to make you feel special without actually, you know, doing anything.

So if she's heard it all before, seen it all before, and had it all before, why should she pick you?

Because she's heard it all before, seen it all before, had it all before, and she knows exactly what you're offering. That's why you get accepted. Not because you're a special snowflake but because she can gauge fairly well based on your actions which category of man you fall into compared to all the dudes in her past.

That's about as impersonal as you can get.

So breathe. Take a deep breathe. Approaching women is now like walking into a flea market or a Chinese Walmart. It's not as glamorous as you'd hoped, but that doesn't devalue any of the products. It just means you openly acknowledge that if you start bartering and the price gets too high, it's not a reflection on you.

It's just business.


You probably feel terrible about past rejections that no one care about except you.

You worried what everyone in the situation thought about you, rather than analyzing what you actually did. You probably failed to remove yourself from the situation enough to just enjoy it. You thought that everyone around listening to your pickup shtick was going,

"Oh my god. That guy is creepy."

"That's so weird. Why is he hitting on her?"

You probably also hope for the reverse,

"Whoa, that guy totally picked up that hot girl. He must be awesome!"

"Whoa, that dude totally went for it. He must be a total player."

We love attributing our successes to our selves, but it's just as untrue as attributing our failures to our selves. None of us like acknowledging that every champion and hero is always one misstep or awkward moment away from losing the championship. We don't normally acknowledge that there are second and third place contenders who could destroy that first place guy 4 out of 7 days a week.


You can do so much more than you give yourself credit for.

If your actions are based on who you imagine yourself to be, good fucking luck. Since all of that shit is subjective, it means you're basically waving your hand through smoke trying to grab whispers of your own being. It might be an interesting exercise, but it will never give you a jumping off point for attracting women.

If your actions are based on what you want, that's a much more solid foundation. "I want to get fucked, so I will go talk to women until I find one who will fuck me." Boom, bam, done.

"I want to have epic sex, so I will get in shape enough to have a sex marathon." Done and done.

"I want to design a rollercoaster, so I will begin learning engineering and drafting." Okeedokey!

"I want a woman to love me for who I am." Sorry bud, she'll only ever pretend to know who you are based on... you guessed it,

What you do.


[–]FrankWG 110 points110 points [recovered]

Man, that's a good fucking post right here.

I'm gonna go ahead and rewrite here two crucial sentences.

"If your actions are based on who you imagine yourself to be, good fucking luck. If your actions are based on what you want, that's a much more solid foundation."
Yes, a thousand time fucking yes.

People here are killing themselves to be "alpha". Don't.
Do what you need to get what you want, like you do in a videogame.
Become fluid like water, flowing from here to where you want to go.

And bam, it becomes a matter of mastering the steps, of mastering the process.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (6 children)

This is some beyond the red pill shit. People who are incredible at things (olympians, professional dancers, mma fighters, etc.) understand the rules completely. Eventually they get to a point were they can break or bend those fundamental rules, to give themselves a situational advantage.

TRP is the rules of the game. Next level is knowing when you can violate the rules to your advantage, and still succeed.

Reminds me a lot of the tenants of some Buddhist faiths.

[–]TRPn00b 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Racers have a similar approach... "if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying" If you can get away with it and it gives you an advantage, you use the shit out of it.

[–]atacms 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Reminds me a lot of the tenants of some Buddhist faiths.

Interesting...could you expand on that?

[–]ubermansteve 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can help only a small bit. There is God perspective and human perspective. The first perspective can be reduced to "we're all going to die eventually and become something else", and the second is "but I'm alive now." Sort of like the ocean and waves on the ocean. It's freeing in the sense that once you take the red pill, you can circumvent societal programming. Or by learning the rules, you can transcend them and make your own. Glurpies is describing Kant's version of genius and creativity. Thank you.

[–]Endorsed Contributorredpillbanana 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well said. You have to master the rules before you start to break them.

[–]1oldredder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, TRP is every rule of every game, written or not, that actually works. That's the true red pill.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Are you quoting Bruce Lee? "Be like water my friend" the best thing about that quote is that you can interpret it in so many positive ways like. You are malleable, take the shape of what you want to become, or the flow freely and confidently through your actions "just be" ...

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I wasn't consciously, but you know, we all just mix and match things we heard or read.

Anyway, yes, you got it. If you take on an identity (which, is fact, is the definition of ego) as "this guy" or "that guy", you are putting constraint to what you can do. If you are "not that kind of guy", than bang, you will try in any possible way to keep that identity intact.
But. If you instead assume no identity, and just do, than there is no constraint.

Also, the best part: you will actually "be yourself". And it's a great discovery how "just be yourself" can work, when you use it the right way.

[–]1Dark-Ulfberht 32 points33 points  (4 children)

Fear of rejection is irrational. There are billions of women; they make new ones every day.

There's only one of you.

[–]4delicioustreats 10 points11 points  (1 child)

But, but, the new ones are unripe!

[–]Endorsed Contributorredpillbanana 9 points10 points  (0 children)

The young woman you might be dating 20 years from now hasn’t even been born yet.

[–]1oldredder 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Depends where you are. Read the crowd well so rejection doesn't equal a punch in the face from a nearby Chad Amogson or bitch trying to create unsightly drama. Some crowds are better than others. Over time you learn to read it safely before approach.

[–]richardguy 15 points15 points [recovered]

Thanks, OP.

Had my first approach last night. Getting rejected didn't feel so bad, the part that gets me is not knowing what I did wrong to get turned down.

FR and critique anyone?

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 21 points22 points  (1 child)

You will always be dealing with a fuck-ton of unknowns. (And being awesome means being ok with that). She might have boyfriend, husband, got laid that morning, hate men, be lesbian, be in love with a rockstar, be asexual. Or you might have done something dumb or not been attractive or you're not her type.

You don't know, you will never know. The better you are, the more you slide the odds in your favour. And that's just all there is to it.

[–]1003rp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would like to reiterate that approaching is a numbers game. You may never know what you did wrong from one approach but once you consistently approach, you'll find yourself more confident and doing things that work more often. Even after thousands of approaches you will get turned down frequently. It's all about getting back up and approaching after the rejections that will lead to success.

[–][deleted] 3 points3 points

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[–]richardguy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah don't worry, didn't bother me then and doesn't bother me now.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, OP.

Had my first approach last night. Getting rejected didn't feel so bad, the part that gets me is not knowing what I did wrong to get turned down.

Thisis why learning theory and being self-aware is so important. Nine times out of ten I get rejected, I have an idea of why.

Hint, most common for most people tend to be overinvesting in the girl's reactions, bad body language and eye contact, and not teasing/having enough fun (ties in with investing, but worth saying on its own). If you're not much of a conversationalist yet, that could be part of it, too.

Mark Manson gets a lot of criticism around here because of the vulnerability thing, but it seems to be a fast track to good inner game - your flaws are more apparent more quickly, and often more embarrassing, so you learn from them and fix them faster.

[–]FinallyRed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

http://www.goodlookingloser.com/entry/get-laid/getting-girls-is-a-numbers-game

You may not agree with all the points, but in general, if you are a good looking guy and have approached enough women to feel confident, there is very likely a reason unrelated to you or your actions that caused her to reject you. Improve yourself, play the numbers game, stop beating yourself up over it.

[–]Regents_Park 9 points10 points  (0 children)

If your actions are based on who you imagine yourself to be ... you're basically waving your hand through smoke trying to grab whispers of your own being

This is fucking poetic and perceptive writing.

[–]MoneyStatusLooks 8 points8 points [recovered]

One thing that benefited me massively is knowing that a LOT of rejection doesn't have much to do with you, and your game, and how you handle everything. A lot of it just comes from incompatibility right from the start.

Like say you are a successful businessman, you have 0 status with the hippy emo chick who spends all day chilling out in fields. Likewise if you are badass loudmouth jacked dude in college you will do great at parties crushing beer cans on your head, but terrible picking up an intellectual chick in the library.

Money, status, looks are universal. And the better you are in each of those the more chicks you will appeal to, but there is definitely a wide range of chicks you will never appeal to and quite frankly that is good.

Take me for example. I am pretty successful at business from a young age. I live a really good lifestyle, similar to a businessman who is successful in his 40s. At the age of 27, contrary to what a lot of people on here say, I struggle to attract a lot of hot 18-21 year old women who are mostly after AF's. Likewise, my sweet spot is women age 23-27, especially women my same age, they are EASY... And you may call me BB, whatever, but I know a lot of RP truths and play my hand well, hence I have pretty much unlimited supply of reasonably attractive women of that age bracket. This is because of demographics really and it's a good thing. Quite simply, I can get a former 18 year old 10, at 27 with not much effort, whereas when I was 18, I had no chance.

In short, find your niche, and go for the segment of women who are attracted to what you are.

[–]SilentForTooLong 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I guess I am new, but haven't read anything about this segmentation/niche. It rings much more true than anything else I've read so far.

I always know when I encounter a girl in my niche, because it's basically like I can't fail to pick her up.

The only problem I have is that my niche is insanely rare, and super difficult to find in public. So how do I go about increasing my odds in this case?

Should I just say fuck it and try targeting non-niche women despite the high risk of failure due to incompatibility from the get go?

[–]kazaul 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Niche (or league) mentality is detrimental to unplugging, since it limits your options from the get go. You can easily dismiss every failure as not being "in your niche" and that's just a buffer to the lessons & practice gained from cold, hard rejection (which could have any number of factors).

Ergo: worrying about failure rates is a clear sign you're not fully unplugged. You lack outcome independence and are considering every encounter that does not result in "success" a "failure" rather than (say) a random conversation or chance to improve your social network.

Even once you've gotten over that, you won't actually have success very far beyond your "niche" unless you radically alter your lifestyle, career, etc. Personally, I wouldn't be willing to do that (it would break me even more than I already am) but that doesn't limit what girls I talk to. Every so often I meet one that's actually worth considering. And I wouldn't have met them if I focused solely on my "niche" from the outset.

[–]1oldredder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

aw shit, my niche is crazy chicks!

[–]energyinmotion 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How do you find out which women are attracted to you?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children)

I just got rejected by a girl who told her friend she wanted to fuck me. It hurts but I learned from my failure. It's easy to get down on myself but it doesn't help.

[–][deleted] 26 points26 points

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[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Thanks for the reply. It helps to put it in perspective like yours.

[–]iffy360 1 points1 points [recovered]

How did you approach her? Just curious.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

She came with one of my friends. We were technically third wheels so we just started talking all night. Eventually we got drunk and started sexually touching each other. When we finally were alone I got her eye contact at my lips so I kissed her. She pulled away and said she's not like that. My guess is she is, and either was just a tease or I didn't give her the tingles. She asked me to walk her back but I just called her a cab. I didn't handle the rejection that we'll and just got really quiet. I was trying to figure out what I did wrong. It might have been last minute resistance but I think she just wasn't down to fuck.

[–]-Real_Nword- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i think you its you who rejected her by thinking she rejected you. it sounds like she didnt completely reject you since she still asked you to walk her. just my guess.

[–]kanji_sasahara 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Last weekend crashed a bachelorette party AND a girls night out. Hooked up with a member in both and didn't spend a dime on anyone but myself. Not only was it fun as hell I bounced between the two anytime I got the cold shoulder. Something about looking like you're in demand which increases your value in ways that I didn't appreciate before.

I love that I discovered this community and given me motivation to shed my beta self in order to try new approaches to all interactions.

Edit: Old me would never interrupt a girl's night out, but now I realize it's like shooting fish in a barrel and damn is it fun.

[–]waitfor_ittt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Verbatim my failed relationship that led me to TRP.

[–]mickydonavan417 3 points4 points  (2 children)

you kinda have to become a bit buddhist about it and just detach yourself from desire. once you do this you will be able to say anything. If you do this people will read you as not giving a shit. a key part of abundance mentality.

[–]-Real_Nword- 0 points1 point  (1 child)

the funny thing is trying to detach yourself from desire is till a desire, lol.

[–]mickydonavan417 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes but a deal more achievable and not dependent on the cooperation of another individual.

[–]1DRMMR76 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's pretty much what happened to me. I dated a girl for over 4 years, and had an automatic SMV boost due to her being a college student and me being an instructor on a team she was in. Due to a convergence of fate, right around the time she graduated and I moved to another job, I ended up asking her to borrow like $50 for something. Lost the SMV boost because of the job switch, and basically castrated myself in her eyes by being needy, even for something small. Dumped me over text and told me she was getting with the manager at her new job like a week later. I was dumbfounded for years. Only since coming here did I realize that the moment I lost Alpha status in her eyes, she was already on the prowl for a new mate.

[–]swoleo_dicaprio 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Awesome post. One thing you didn't mention -- stoicism is easy when you've internalized the value of your actions.

[–]timo1200 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are what you do.

By taking this position you are hampstering. "Just because I do XXX it doesnt matter because it is all a game"

Sorry, no.

You are what you do. That is the very essense of what makes us. To believe that you can do one thing, but it doesn't count towards your real self because of some special nugget deep within you is the realm of Hampsters.

Take the right actions, then own those actions.

[–]Senior Endorsed ContributorCopperFox3c 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nice post, man. Very "meta" take on TRP. But yeah, it is what we do that is (or at least potentially can be) special, not simply who we are.

You might be born with some special talents, or really smart, or whatever, but it is what you do with it that counts.

[–]Upvote_To_The_Left 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a great post. Thanks for writing it.

[–]omnicidial 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I train people in sales. You could shorten this.

Fear of failure stops the possibility of success. To succeed in sales of any sort, you have to be willing to fail 10 times more than you succeed.

The best salesman is the guy who fails the fastest and finds his successes by moving on.

[–]tat_guy_says_what 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Phenomenal post. I hope this gets stickied.

[–]1oldredder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Once you're around the bend a few times you'll realize you got more to regret from when some don't reject you than if they had. Maybe even wish they had or that you had the sense not to get with that particular one.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was awesome man, as a new a new Redpiller, that gave me some perspective. Thanks!

[–]RedPillLawyer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really needed this post. Oneitis was slowly creeping in with Plate "A". We must always remind ourselves to be men of action, not of presence, with all of our plates.

[–]DorianAnderson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They way I view it is that there is no "you". You can want a girl to like you for your past or what you believe in, whatever. Bullshit, like you said.

You are your actions. You are this moment. That is it. You have a history and a future, but all you truly are is what you do in this moment.

So, in a sense a woman can love you for you in a deep way. But that is because you are being truly yourself in that moment, whatever that might be.

That moment won't happen again, and you might never see the girl again. Oh well, I hope you had a good fucking time.

Tl;dr: Stop fucking over thinking, analyzing and judging yourself and have some fucking fun right now. Maybe that fun includes being balls deep, or debating feminism with a smoking babe over a cigarette on a roof looking out at the beautiful night sky.

Chill the fuck out and enjoy. This moment is all that matters.