Tl;dr: BB boyfriend gives girlfriend 'space' for over a year and gets cheated on, needs confirmation to dump her ass.
Article is here
OP(29) has been dating g/f(27) for 3 years
OP tells us girlfriend is raped at knife-point 13 months ago, rapist is found the next day, pleads guilty and gets a 20 year sentence. Fair enough.
Right after the incident she did not want to see me. I get that, it hurt but I understood. Her parents picked her up from the hospital and I did not see or hear from her for a week, which I sort of get but I think I could have gotten a text or something just saying she was ok.
OP has a point.
I, and most other people have been in this situation, and usually everyone with relations to the victim/patient is updated frequently.
Someone has decided to cut OP out of the loop.
Finally a week in her sister calls me and lets me know that she is staying with her parents and she will be calling me in a couple of days.
She never called me. Instead I once again get a text from her sister saying she would like me to come over for a few minutes so we can talk. I get up and go over and am greeted at the door by her mother who very calmly and very coldly starts laying out to me how I am to act and what I am to say. I am further instructed to not attempt to make any physical contact with her as in hug or anything.
Seems a bit extreme. Sounds like he's entering a quarantine zone. Probably has something to do with the therapist. Either way, it's not good for OP.
OP is told g/f is okay by the sister, but g/f doesn't say anything or even look at OP.
OP meets g/f for lunch a month later:
Basically she wanted to get together that day to tell me that she couldn't go out with me for awhile until she got past some issues she was dealing with. Of course I told her I understood.
"I've come out to tell you that I can't come out with you anymore."
I told her I would be there for her and that whatever she needed whether that be space or a shoulder to cry on or anything I was there for her. I started to tell her that I loved her and she stopped me. She told me that right now she didn't want to hear that and that I had to respect her wishes.
Let me re-quote:
"Look around boy, you're in orbit - and don't you dare try and escape."
It's at this point OP should have recognized this is her way of saying she's moving on.
I was once again a little hurt and frankly surprised but I said what ever she wanted.
Always trust your gut feeling. If you're getting 'hurt' and she's indifferent - you're supplicating the relationship. A sign you should get out of there, or re-build frame.
OP texts her for a month and a half before mustering up the courage to ask her out on a date. G/f postpones it a whole month.
This is now 4 months after the incident.
I ask her how she has been and she snapped at me and told me to not ask her personal questions.
The victim complex has spread it's roots and flowered into contempt for her now-friendzoned 'boyfriend'.
We ate and after dinner I wanted to just sit and talk because I missed the person I had talked to almost every day for the previous 3 years. But when she was done eating she said that she was ready to go home. I asked her if she could stay for just a few minutes to talk but I could see that she was becoming physically anxious and I did not want to upset her so I said that I loved her and missed her. She just walked away.
At this point most girls would have dumped your love-sick ass, but she's not done with you yet and has decided to string you along. Probably for the free meals.
She goes back to texting me the next day like nothing had been wrong. We actually start to see each other once a week for lunch
Well will you look at that.
and she is getting more and more comfortable with being out so she sits and talks awhile. She has also started a new job which she tells me about.
This goes on for another 4 months. I'm happy to see her and all but honestly I'm very lonely and we have not even so much as held hands.
That's because your her supportive best-friend now. No touching or affection, but you get all the benefits of taking her out on dates and being in her presence! Yay!
At this point, OP is blown off on a lunch date and family is not telling him anything when he tries to contact g/f. Sister re-affirms that she's not allowed to let him talk to his g/f.
2 weeks later and g/f arranges to meet him with the therapist.
I check in at the front desk and am told that the therapist wants to speak to me alone for a few minutes.
She comes in and I now know where the parents were getting this from because after formally greeting me she then started to provide me with a list of do's and don'ts.
Aha. Well, I was right again.
It's been a year after she was raped and you're giving him a set of rules to talking to his girlfriend?
I would be questioning the lack of progress.
I go in and she is sitting on one chair and I am instructed to sit in the other. She has a box of tissues and has been crying. The therapist tells me that I am here because my g/f has something to tell me and that she wanted the safety of therapist office to feel safe.
She then proceeds to tell me that the reason she did not meet me for lunch that day is because she was with another guy, somebody from her new job, and that they had been intimate with each other.
She might as well have taken a gun out and shot me, it couldn't have hurt anymore. I just drop my head and begin to cry. The therapist then pipes in with some logic about her taking back her sexuality since she was attacked and how this wasn't cheating in the same sense of cheating.
"Stop your whining faggot. Your girlfriend is allowed to cheat because she is a rape victim."
Positive re-affirmation and co-operative hamstering from a female therapist. Why am I not surprised.
In-fact, I would go as far to say the therapist has caused the victim-complex to spiral out of control.
My g/f then proceeds to tell me that she does not want to lose me and that she is just very fucked up in the head
In case of emergency, break glass and use one of the following:
"I was drunk"
"I was confused"
"I was scared"
Women will come up with whatever horseshit they can to negate accountability for their actions.
and that it was a one time thing and blah blah blah.
OP's eardrums have burst from rage. He can't hear your siren song anymore.
I finally just said to her, you haven't so much as held my hand in the past half year yet you can go fuck some guy you met at work while I sit like a jackass waiting for my junior high like date.
G/f starts the waterworks and gets told to leave by the therapist.
I get that text later that day. Now she is all chatty and shit telling me that this was the worst mistake of her life and please talk to her. I tell her that I don't know if I can go on with this but agree to meet her.
Notice how OP has changed his tone and is now letting his g/f meet him. He has swapped the dynamic.
I flat out tell her right up front when I see her that for me to even consider going forward with this that she has to cut this other guy off period. She tells me that is impossible because they work together and I tell her that I'm sorry but I won't even consider it if she is going to see this guy everyday. She decides to find another job
He held frame and she leaves her job. A technical victory but she's probably still fucking Chad anyway.
after talking with my sister she who I have told everything to she said that while it is not common some women do attempt to have sex after being attacked so that they feel like they have power again.
OP's wondering why she couldn't just have sex with him then?
Because it would be like her fucking her therapist. Because that's what OP became.
G/f comes over to watch a movie and OP tries to kiss her. Gets rejected and OP loses his temper.
OP says he 'thinks' he is done.
If you've read his post, he's obviously done, but he needs affirmation from reddit.
I actually was surprised to find myself agreeing with a lot of the comments.
Your gf you knew? She's gone, dude. She may find her way back. But not for you. And not now.
Move on. You've given her time. And unfortunately the therapist doesn't appear to be helpful. (To you and her. Maybe she's good one on one.) So you shouldn't anticipate any big improvements.
The girl he 'knew' was simply the girl that 'loved' him back. Uck.
Okay, the girl that returned affection.
My other favorite comment:
It sounds like the therapist is holding her progress back by making everyone walk on eggshells around her. She is reinforcing a "forever a victim/damaged" mentality. The gf will probably never get past this if everyone keeps acting like the rape excuses her behavior.
Damn straight. Playing the victim reaps all the rewards and special treatment and as long as her therapist is controlling her family and boyfriend out of fear of relapse, she will continue to act that way from affirmation.
Another comment I thought was interesting from a healthcare worker who deals with rape victims:
I want to take a moment to inform you about Sexual Revictimization.
Promiscuity after rape, or stepping outside of a relationship post-rape is a sign of revictimization. Sometimes rape survivors cheat, become sex-workers such as prostitutes, and otherwise demean themselves. There can sometimes be a lot of fear, hate, and self-loathing after a rape and a survivor may tragically direct those feelings inwards through self-destruction. Using sex to end your social support is one example. Engaging in unprotected sex to end a relationship with a patient and supportive spouse is revictimization.
I was unsure how to approach the scenario of a rape victim, so I simply tried to not think about it as I was typing this.
I'm interested to hear other people's thoughts on what they would do if their LTR got raped. Would you give her space? Would you dump her? Would you continue the relationship like nothing happened?