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I recently read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and I thought it would be helpful to share some of the ideas here. Basically, self-esteem is defined by 2 factors:

  • Confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life.

  • Confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our need and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

If you believe that the problems in your life can’t change no matter what you do and that you are not in control of your own decisions, then you have low self-esteem.

If you feel like you don’t deserve the credit people give you for your success or accomplishments, then you have low self-esteem.

While high self-esteem might not be something which our life depends on (like water and food). Self-esteem is important for our well-being and happiness, it gives us the mental power to achieve great things and be successful in all parts of life. Every man can increase his self-esteem by practicing:

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

1. Living Consciously: We are aware of what happens in our life and taking responsibility. It’s the ability to be able to stay congruent with your beliefs-values and act through them.

2. Self-Acceptance: Accept that you are not perfect. Nobody is born perfect, everyone has their own flaws. There is no point to start beating yourself because you are shorter than your co-worker. Instead, you must accept yourself for what you are. You might be short but the tall guy next to you might be bald and not like it either.

3. Self-Responsibility: It goes in hand with Self-Acceptance. It’s the continuation of that process. After you have accepted your flaws and mistakes. You now have to examine which of those you can actually improve and take action while stop worrying for those you can’t. You might not be able to overcome genetics but you can certainly improve your behavior, your haircut, your health and your body!

4. Self-Assertiveness: You stay true to your wants, needs, and values no matter the pressure you get from other people. It is the willingness to stand up for yourself even if sometimes what you do or believe is not so popular. “My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations.” Men with low Self-Assertiveness fail shit-tests.

5. Living Purposefully: It means you are productive, that you take action every day to achieve your goals. Be specific, visualize what you really want in your life and make a plan. Measure your progress as you go on.

6. Personal Integrity: When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes habitual, we trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all. Integrity means congruence. Words and behavior match. For example: If you said today that you will go to the gym but you end up not doing it. You will lose some of your Personal Integrity, you will stop trusting yourself and what goals you set to yourself.


To the extent that the six pillars are integrated into our daily life, self-esteem is supported and strengthened. To the extent that they are not, self-esteem is undermined and subverted. One of the vital things The Red Pill teaches us is to respect ourselves, if we respect ourselves other people will follow.

[–]Mckallidon 160 points161 points  (47 children)

My opinion is that most people naturally build themselves and self esteem. Other people interfere and tear you down. Just avoid toxic negative people in your life and you'll figure the rest out.

[–]redpillseverywhere 61 points62 points  (7 children)

If your first instinct is to criticize or tear someone else down then changing this instinct will be the first step

[–]good_guy_submitter points points [recovered]

I disagree, and your comment sucks. Oh shit...

Joking aside, you are 100% correct. I think it's a bad habit for a lot of people in the US in particular. If you read Dale Carnegie he says to never do the 3 C's. Never criticize, condemn, or complain. Those 3 things will never profit for you in your relationships or for yourself. Not to say you can't always do it, I guess it's okay you actually get paid for your reiveiws or you're Simon Cowell.

[–]mrj0ker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Such a great book! Gave it to my younger siblings because I wish I read it when I was their age

[–]kaspell 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Thanks, going through a rough time. needed to be reminded about the 3 C. post below also helped, going through the grief cycle and in the self destructive phase a bit. I'll get through it, but fuck does it suck. Half the time I feel like I'm going insane and all I want to do is lash out, but that will do nothing worthwhile. You find what you need when you need to. Mantra

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You dont go full Buddhist though, anger and contempt and dislike are valuable emotions just like joy, pleasure, etc. The point is to not publically espouse critique, because if you are right then that person will benefit from you correcting them but still dislike you. So u do him a favour and get disservice back. So then the question is, can you benefit from correcting the object of critique while maintaining the good graces? 99% of the time, no.

[–]kaspell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed, it's about picking your battles based on cost/benefit. I'm just hurting emotionally and it was good to be reminded about the c's. Call it finding what you need when you need it. I am definitely not the Buddha. I am definitely some anger

[–]Sbdaq 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gotta point out that a lot of buddhist teachings actually help a ton with all of this. The Buddha feels anger and negativity too, he is just not owned by it

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading it now, such a great book.

[–]stow_a_throwaway 38 points39 points  (9 children)

There are a lot of people who are their own worst enemy. They indulge in self destructive behavior (often subconsciously) and always tussle with desire and self gratification. I think it's important that those people learn how to reach out for help without look down on themselves.

[–]AntixD points points [recovered]

how to control one's desires and self gratifications effectively?

[–]Slut_Slayer9000 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I promise you know how to do this, you just choose not too. You know that eating that ice cream late at night will fuck up your caloric goals for the day but your body still wants to do it, its up to you to give into that temptation or "self gratification" by eating it or delaying that gratification when you get that 6 pack months from now. You already know if you should or shouldn't be doing something. Its up to you to make the decision that best suits your future goals, not the decisions that will make you happy for a few minutes.

[–]cpkwinsagain 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Consciously detect your addictive cues and not reward them with dopamine.

[–]peruvianlurker 1 point2 points  (4 children)

What kind of help? Lacan psycholist? Psychiatry? I think i'm one of those subconsciously sabotaging ppl

[–]stow_a_throwaway 9 points10 points  (3 children)

First, you need to get yourself to a point of self-awareness. It isn't enough to just know you have these self-sabotaging behaviors and procrastinate or do nothing about it. You need to catch yourself doing it and have a moment of conscious clarity. In short, you need to confront those behaviors head on.

I'm not opposed to seeing a behavioral psychologist for therapy. There's a stigma about it that I quite frankly don't understand. You don't have to talk about it to anyone, just do it as a way to interact with someone and gather feedback. You may want to have insurance though. For self starters, let me share my thoughts and ideas below...

Many of you probably know about the NoFap community. This is one such area where self mastery can be gained to greatly enhance your willpower and self confidence. Most men struggle with the illusory attraction to women (in a purely material, sexual sense). Even if you absolutely don't know that person, her feminine sexual allure will try to reel you in. This is one such area of manhood that needs to be regained control over. It's really a con by your lower mammalian brain to resort to that kind of thinking.

Nowadays, it's become common fashion for women to wear more revealing clothing. I've seen girls as young as 13 wearing booty shorts and crop tops. As these girls get older and approach their young adulthood, they know no better than to go out in public looking like sex conduits. This poses a great struggle for men as we constantly fight over our instinct to approach and propagate. For us, it is a great source of weakness. So as you can surmise, we need to make great efforts to gain mastery over our sexuality. It doesn't help that the digital age has spawned a multi-billion dollar "adult entertainment" industry. We need to ignore that though and seek out ACTUAL noble pursuits to drive character growth.

But let's just get back to basics for a sec. As someone who constantly gripes with fear of rejection and sexual desires for women, there are practices we can implement daily to cleanse ourselves.

  1. Develop a daily physical challenge- it can be the most basic thing such as walking or jogging 1 mile every day OR going to the gym for 45m. Whatever it is, there are countless resources online for you to decide. DON'T DELAY! Just do it! Just make it a singular point that before your day is over, you WILL sweat.

  2. Eradicate ALL digital (non-real) sexual channels from your life- Again, this is a NoFap endeavor which directly correlates to your mental strength and well-being. If it isn't real, you are NOT fucking with it. End of story. CREATE the desire to go approach women, get rid of all illusion. In the meantime, focus on your career, physical well-being, or an art. A creative channel is necessary.

  3. Find a create channel for your energy. The greatest, most genius men ALL had completely devotion to their creative channel. For Mozart and Beethoven, it was music. For Picasso it was art. For Shakespeare it was poetry and writing. For Steven Spielberg it was film. Now, it's not necessary to follow suit in any one of those fields above, but every great man has held onto a creative form and nurtured it from seed to flower. One day it WILL grow if given sunlight and watered (metaphorically). It WILL supply fruit to nourish the soul and Earth. So create that.

  4. Read read read. Ralph Emerson once said, "If we encounter a man of rare intellect, we should ask him what books he reads." This should really strike a chord with everyone. The smartest most powerful people learned how to harness knowledge and insight for worldly pursuits. There's no shortcut to it. Knowledge is power (if leveraged correctly). Even if you're reading something indirectly related to worldly subjects, you can gain great insights. Self-help books, history, economics, theosophy, spirituality, etc. Make it a practice to read At LEAST 1 book per month. Write a list of 12 books for the year and check it off one by one. Just do it.

All in all if you follow those 4 steps until they become a habit (ingrained into your life), you will become a changed person. Just start somewhere and carry through. Self discipline is a must here.

If you don't have a job or career, you have to force yourself in somewhere. Make it realistic, craft out a resume in such a way that it accents your strengths and hides your weaknesses, and just begin. Doing more of the things your brain tells you it doesn't want to do, will also give you mental power.

[–]peruvianlurker 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm at work atm, will read this at home, but I appreciate the amount of detail and effort into your reply brother, thanks a lot, I'm really struggling with my life and need help, I just got a minimum wage job at a marketing company, no mentors or father figure, no money, . Your advice is really simple and great to start puting to practice. THANKS!!

[–]stow_a_throwaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, we've all been there. I've worked 3 or 4 jobs in retail, food, sales, etc. But there are countless online resources (MOOCs, cert courses, etc.) and good ol' fashion textbooks that you can just put the time into. Nothing is impossible to learn. Self-made people take full responsibility and control of their situation. You just need to have sincere willingness and a methodical approach.

Oh, and a degree always helps...

[–]beeringbanterer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It isn't enough to just know you have these self-sabotaging behaviors and procrastinate or do nothing about it. You need to catch yourself doing it and have a moment of conscious clarity.

Yep! I'll add my two cents: With self destructive behaviour, we are often running away from ourselves, refusing to tackle our problems but instead using 'things' (drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn) to give us temporary relief (to distract us, and/or provide dopamine boost). But this can create a vicious cycle because our self-destructive behaviour causes further physical and mental problems, which we soon become 'aware' of, yet being 'aware' is so painful because it leads to feelings of shame and regret, so to avoid these painful feelings we go back to the drugs/booze/etc. As this continues, it gets worse because we become trapped in the habit of running away from ourselves. It's hard to say exactly how to break the behaviour, but I would say that having support from others who you look up to you is super important. Look at alcoholics: they are often alone, or simply spend their days at a bar alongside other alcoholics. Nothing will change. Gamblers: always at the casino alongside other degenerates. Drug users: live with other users, nothing will change. Change is super hard but I do think a key element is to somehow break away from the bad environment one has trapped themselves in, and befriend others who can motivate and help you. Easier said than done perhaps.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Those who are unable to build themselves attempt to break you down and create self doubt in order to artificially raise up themselves. After all, if they can make you doubt yourself, their own lack of confidence isn't as bad in their eyes.

[–]trpadvice 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I agree. I wonder how some are naturally resilient, not socially stunted and so on!

But some of us can't learn until we've picked shit apart.

[–]Growthandchange points points [recovered]

It could well be psychological programming or parenting?

Reading Richard Branson's book Loosing my Virginity , he talks about how his parents pushed/encouraged him to make his own decisions and go out of his comfort zone ( e.g. riding his bicycle all the way down to the coast as a child to make money )

[–]trpadvice 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I agree! Still, there are people who always rise above their "programming / parenting."

What do you think about the book? Is it worth the read?

[–]_MysticFox 8 points9 points  (11 children)

I don't think it's other people.

Mine is a combination of realizations that have made me neurotic. For example,

1) People don't like me for who I am now (for the most part). When I change and become richer, fitter, and more charismatic, I'll have people that like me for those things, not for who I fundamentally am. As time goes on, this will only get worse because A) I'll make progress B) I'm only getting older and friends become really difficult to make

2) I value girls with low/zero notch counts but I'm hypocritical and trying to get a high notch count. I haven't done anything with a girl yet, but that's the one roadblock preventing me from doing so especially because the type of girl I'm looking for will also value a low count

3) My one goal in life beyond everything was wanting a stereotypical perfect family with a wife and kids. Truly and honesty my only goal besides smaller personal successes. But after being woken up to how the world is, I truly believe it isn't possible. It drives me insane. After college it'll become even more ridiculously hard, even though it already is, to find somebody who wants this/is relationship oriented rather than wanting to sleep around.

4) I'm a bad person. I've damaged my siblings by being so vile that it seems like they're permanent betas. They're hollow shells of people and have no drive, desires, passions, hobbies and I believe are emasculated beyond repair. My fault. I can't even fathom having children incase my behaviors/actions decide to come out again. Unstable family is a huge red flag and instead, a good family should provide value. I don't have this value, and on top of it I'll never be appreciated unconditionally ever because I didn't have that opportunity from parents

Just my 2¢

[–]SweetCheeksMagee 3 points4 points  (8 children)

As a person who sincerely feels much of what you feel, trust me when I say that wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere. One of the most important techniques in building self esteem is to avoid negativity, and you clearly are stuck in a rut of it. Complaining may help us to feel better about ourselves temporarily, and if you absolutely must do it it should be to close family or a professional therapist. Posting this comment online is a total dick move because it may bring down the mood of someone who is actually working to improve their mental state. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

[–]Cozc 7 points8 points  (1 child)

dont post anything negative it might make someone feel bad guys

[–]Mckallidon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry about your feelings lol

[–]Slut_Slayer9000 2 points3 points  (2 children)

trust me when I say that wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere. One of the most important techniques in building self esteem is to avoid negativity, and you clearly are stuck in a rut of it. Complaining may help us to feel better about ourselves temporarily, and if you absolutely must do it it should be to close family or a professional therapist.

100% spot on man. I huge realization I made it that I was drawing the majority of my motivation from a negative space to spite people and that was hendering my future growth and success the person I was then. Since then I killed that mentality and had a little mental funeral for all the past shit I had to go threw, accepted that YES it did happen to me but dwelling on it all the time does me no good. Since then I started drawing my energy, motivation and passion for things from a positive space because what I'm doing makes me happy and will help me become the man I want to become. I'm not even lying but my life has gotten much much better even when physically my life hasn't changed all that much in the short time I've instilled this philosophy, I highly recommend thinking positivity.

[–]SweetCheeksMagee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It seems we are experiencing similar changes in out lives. For me, the change began when I started meditating and focusing on breathing throughout the day. This helped me to begin focusing on the present, appreciating the moments rather than dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. Meditation is extremely redpilled, as it encourages practitioners to see things as they really are. I can see through bullshit better than ever before, but I no longer feel angry because of it.

[–]TangoZulu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Recognizing a problem is the first step in fixing it. This poster may have done some horrible things in their life, but the fact that they clearly recognize/admit their personal issues puts them in a position to change their destructive behavior moving forward.

I would also argue that posting this can also be VERY helpful because it may help someone else recognize similar behavior/tendencies in themselves.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I use that mindset as a motivator. I find when I feel like I'm "good enough" I get complacent and depressed, while when I'm yelling at myself, calling myself shit then I can get stuff done.

[–]Gallobrax 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This this this this this this again. My number one goal was also a family, kids the whole nine yards if only because I grew up that way. I simply expected the love I felt of others to be possible for a significant other. Instead as soon as it was to the benefit of the other person and I became a drag (went through a rough month) they left. Seems to me the closer and more you share the less restraint there is when cords are cut.

Left me thinking it's every man for himself.

[–]kaspell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

1 and 3 I can relate too. #2 I've done which brought me round to 3. All I can say as someone who understands but is still fighting the dying dream , find your zen and hold on to it. If you're hoping others will complete you then you're destined for disappointment. I say this from my current personal perspective.

Also, #1, all you can do is be you. Your actions will be what define you. always.

[–]AntixD points points [recovered]

agree 100%,this happened to me last year,fucked me up for the whole year,recently started to catch back up,toxic people are the worst,especially if it's close friends/family who attack you when you need help instead of helping

[–]Mckallidon 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Yep. Even your friends will christen your dumpster for you.

[–]AntixD points points [recovered]

yea that's the worst,they're ususally the ones who can give the most talk/hate but can't take any

[–]Merwebb 1 point2 points  (3 children)

You could use toxic people to gauge your strengths and weaknesses

[–]Mckallidon 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Meh. These people tend to be delusional and self-absorbed. Good luck getting an honest measurement of yourself out of people that often have a distorted sense of self. Often these types of people are always putting themselves over other people to feel less insecure. If you're just measuring yourself against them you can do that with anyone.

[–]Rockefeller342 points points [recovered]

I partially disagree. Your opinion comes from the notion that people are raised equally well, equally healthy, have helpful support systems. There's also no 'you'll figure the rest out' fairytale because there are too many external factors at play.

If you want true confidence then it's based on configuring your internal wiring through reading, understanding, truth, and action.

The truth will set you free.

[–]Mckallidon 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You project HAM and strawman like whoa.

[–]trpadvice 18 points19 points  (5 children)

I'm currently reading the book a second time. This is a decent summary, but the book goes into so much more detail about how and why "the six pillars" are important, how you can develop them and how you can work through your issues. While growing up, if you learned entitlement and other fucked up shit and didn't really figure out the "compound effect" of success, this book may offer another view on why that may be so.

Self-esteem may or may not be an issue to you. You may or may not be your own worst enemy. Whatever it is, understanding how a strong mind is built will spill over onto other areas of your life in subtle, but extremely powerful ways.

Interesting fact, and on a lighter note : This dude was spinnin' Ayn Rand as a plate. So he's RP af.

Read the book, guys!

[–]NaturalSelect1on[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Couldn't agree more! I wanted to keep this post short and to the point. I really advice everyone to read this book, it's so underrated!

[–]danc73 points points [recovered]

If you enjoy Branden's writing, "The Psychology of Self-Esteem" is another great book. I've gotten more out of it than I did out of my first read of the six pillars.

Both are great books.

[–]trpadvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your suggestion. Over the years, I'm hoping to go through all of his books.

[–]lv_21 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Self-esteem is probably THE most crucial thing in my opinion when it comes down taking control over your life.

[–]1jb_trp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is true. There's a line in the book OP mentions that I'll always remember: Nobody is coming to rescue you.

[–]Podsaff 26 points27 points  (3 children)

I think information like this is great but there needs to be steps of action that goes behind it and supports it. I am all for these concepts, but it also much more useful to have something to go off of.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think meditation and awareness of the present moment in general would help most with confidence. It seems the subconscious mind is responsible for much of our lack of belief in ourselves. By maintaining conscious frame, you assert yourself as in control and before long, it becomes your primary point of view. The more you practice, the more your subconscious mind receives approval from your environment and you begin to dismantle your conditioned lack of control and self importance.

[–]trpadvice 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You're right.

The book has a lot of exercises and prompts that help you weed out your "issues." Apart from that, the author has another book, "How To Raise Your Self-Esteem - Nathaniel Branden," which lists out specific strategies to raise yours.

[–]bearmanpig4 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the post, ordering the book now.

[–]trpadvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This thread brought out some great points. I wish to add to the discussion. At this point, we must all agree that this topic is not pseudo-science. I see that the prevailing knowledge about building / protecting self-esteem is to cut out negative people and build it naturally. While this is true, there are a lot of ways it can be misconstrued. For example, if you didn't learn positive habits early on in your life (at least in your late teens), or even worse, got the wrong messages about success (being a nice guy, etc.,) there's a good chance you're not aware of what's going on and don't know what exactly these positive activities in YOUR life are. Mind you, it’s different for different people. Presently, you’re probably justifying a lot of unproductive habits, such as late night soda / redbull to keep awake for the thesis that you're writing. Based on your prior programming, you might be blind to some of your habits / mind-sets.

The longer you don't see it, the harder it is to consciously build self-esteem, as is the case with any self-improvement project. Also, when it comes to cutting people out, it’s a slippery slope. Somebody once here said that nexting friends and women cause they don't agree with you is a great way of ending up alone. That is very true. It is important to cut out negative people from your life, but that should come from a place of solid objectivity in your judgement. You must know when people are calling you out on your BS, and they’re right in doing so, and know when you're in denial. Accepting negative feedback and working on it is the mark of self-efficacy.

Just be mindful and honest with yourself. Don’t leave self-improvement on auto-pilot. It’s often hard to know the best course of action, but not so difficult to spot the unproductive / dishonest ones. Consciously build your self-esteem!

[–]relativebeingused 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Ah, worthiness, one of my biggest pet peeves and a dead giveaway your therapist listened and regurgitated but couldn't think it through themselves.

The whole concept of deservingness in contemporary psychology is unequivocal bullshit and a bizarre anomaly considering. It's a complete cognitive distortion that somehow got mixed into otherwise rational models like CBT for probably a lot of confused, albeit well-meaning, though ultimately false reasons.

Who decides what someone is worthy of and based on what criteria? The only thing you can know is that if someone got something it's either chance, in the form of good fortune or bad, or they earned it. That is, there is a cause and effect relationship between their behavior (thoughts, feelings, action all included here) and the result of getting something.

Earning something is the only way someone can really deserve something, and the only way to observe that someone got something because they earned it is for them to get it and to know exactly why they got it. On the other hand, if you don't have it, you could not possibly have earned it, unless you are guaranteed to get it in the future. Otherwise, how could you deserve it?

And we have essentially no fucking clue what the causes are of the vast majority of things in our life that happen to us/we get, since they appear practically random in so many cases, or depend on countless factors that seem to be random. Regardless of whatever habit or skill you develop and practice to accomplish something, it was bolstered almost entirely by the circimstances of your birth, the society you were and are apart of, and countless events over which you had no control. If you had no apparent part in earning these things, how can you deserve the fruits of their being? Because you can identify the small part you appear to have played?

All one can say is you did get something or didn't. Moralizing it, even in a "positive" way by saying you deserve something good or did not deserve something bad, is classic magical thinking. And, in the case that you didn't get it, it seems just plain delusional to say you actually deserve it, despite that reality empirically proves otherwise.

I don't get how an emphasis on worthiness or deservingness is even supposed to be helpful. What actually is possibly helpful is negating the equally self-aggrandizing belief that you won't ever deserve something, or that once you have something, that you necessarily did NOT deserve it and do not deserve to keep it (except on the rational level where one recognizes it's extremely unlikely that you'll keep anything forever).

Also, it seems as though there is a hidden limitation in this misguided quest for deservingness, whether it's of happiness, health, a good job, good relationships, the girl or whatever. That limitation is the notion that in order to get something you first have to think/believe (commonly misusing the term "feel" here instead) that you do definitely deserve it or you simply won't get it. Seems to me like just another unnecessary obstacle to throw in the path of people trying to get past a misunserstanding. It's just another false belief that will inevitably spawn more cognitive dissonance unless quickly reality tested, challenged, and rejected.

"But, but, I deserve this thing I don't have that is nowhere in sight! I did certain things, like being a good person, so why shouldn't I deserve to be happy?" Well, because being your particular definition of a good person clearly has nothing to do with becoming happy.

You're either wrong about being a good person even by your own standards or wrong that being a good person according to your criteria are the cause of the effect "being happy." Or it takes time to get the result. Or it takes antidepressants and exercise and nutrition and letting yourself act like an asshole sometimes and letting yourself off the hook for it, and same goes for other people. Or it takes none of these things at all and the mere act of seeking to find happiness through plotting and scheming and trying to control every part of your life so the pieces can all fall into place at once is self-defeating and it is letting go of the constant, desperate grasping for such a result that is really the cause of NOT getting it. Who the fuck knows? Certainly not your therapist or friends who aren't actually blissfully happy despite consistent, extremely positive self-reporting and the intimate, skillful self-deception behind it. And even if they are that happy they almost certainly don't really know why and they are telling you whatever story they tell themselves to avoid admitting to themselves that they just don't know.

Same goes for rights. Rights are a useful political and social tool when talking about ideals. But rights won't fill up your gas tank, or do your housework for you, or feed a starving person, or give you back your youth. Rights won't stop bad things from happening to people you care about or guarantee anything at all for you. We could tack on every single luxury as well as biological necessity in the known universe to the UN's official list of human rights right now and there will still be third world countries run by corrupt dictators with more people dying prematurely due to relatively easily preventable deaths than any of us have heart enough to fathom.

Don't waste your time trying to convince yourself of what rights you have inherently as a human being and what you are worthy of, because inevitably when those beliefs are contradicted by life itself your indignant protests won't change what's already happened and will only stand in the way of acceptance.

Then again, do get rid of false beliefs that aren't helpful, not just the false beliefs that are tempting and polyannaish and seem to me to be rooted in a truly negative self-image - one that needs to be propped up by reassuring sentiments and coddled with oxymoronic affirmations or else it is forced to face scrutiny and ceases to be altogether. As much as these positive false beliefs will lead to temporary disillusionment, if not persistent denial, the opposite can result in paralysis, self-sabotage, or apathy.

You don't need any of that shit to get what you want. Hell, you may not need anything you can think of really. But you might benefit from a lack of certainty in negative shit that affects your experience. I mean, what really is self-esteem or confidence besides a lack of your own self telling you things like don't bother, it won't work, you'll just fail, and when you do you're going to hate yourself even more than if you just didn't try? Is it the opposite, equally bullshit version telling you that you're the most amazing human being ever, that you always succeed and that you are destined to succeed in everything you do, but especially this one particular interaction, task, or goal? No, that's just delusional. That's arrogance. That's false pride. It's a flimsy fucking sham and you'd have to be some Grade A idiot-psycho to buy into that, that despite every time you've ever been rejected, and the fact that this one particular interaction just happens to be doomed to fail because she's in a bad mood and raring to turn down the next guy to dare talk to her that you will kill it for sure and you always have.

I just don't agree with all the premises here. Maybe there's some truth to this guy's 6 part formula for feeling good about yourself. Maybe for you, some of it will be just in line with the right random-seeming event to occur to help along the multiple factors that are the cause of whatever effect you're going for. Or maybe not, but, at least, let's not perpetuate and propagate anymore positive bullshit just because it sounds better than the negative bullshit you wish it would replace. Don't waste your time on convincing yourself you deserve things. You'll only be able to fool yourself for so long and at the expense of limited time and energy.

Tl;dr - positive beliefs in worthiness or inherent rights are just as incorrect as negative beliefs such as worthlessness. Going from one false extreme to the other is tempting but when you dive head on into that particular lie, it will inevitably lets you down, and you could very well end up even worse off than before. Instead of focusing on replacing negative false beliefs with positive-seeming ones, just eliminate the negative ones.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Right, be realistic, don't use forced optimism to combat genuine self-esteem issues. What OP is touting, though, is confidence. Confidence does not mean expectation. It just means you don't allow unhelpful insecurities to become an obstacle to accomplishing what you want - even if those insecurities are coming from a rational belief. He never said anything about believing your are entitled to having something, just that you stay aware of yourself and don't allow beliefs of not being valuable enough to pursue or accept something. Seems like you're trying to fix an emotional problem with rationale when the issue was already known by the person to be irrational.

I enjoyed the diatribe, though, some very interesting ideas in there. Friended.

[–]fingerthemoon 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Unhappiness appears to be a result of an overactive mind which is constantly measuring and comparing things. Intelligence is a double edged sword in this regard. Because of your logical deep thoughts and observations you can't delude yourself about your reality, you're painfully aware of your mistakes and shortcomings. Positive thinking becomes apparent for what it is, a ploy to remain ignorant.

I agree about deleting negative thought patters being important and positive affirmations being somewhat silly. For those who see reality unfettered by wishful thinking, I think the answer to happiness is to learn to focus the mind upon the task at hand and remain busy so that your mind doesn't have room to ruminate. The deep suffering I feel is when I remain inactive and can't seem to get anything done while my mind reflects upon all my mistakes and misfortune.

[–]Frigzy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Deservingness and rights are meaningless constructs on themselves. As humans, we have built them to try to bypass nature's lack of structure and hierarchy. In nature, there are no rights and no being deserves anything other than that which it can claim for itself while fending off contenders.

Confidence comes not from holding on to constructs, but from growing the capacity to claim the things you want in life and being strong enough to hold on to them. This takes strength and grit.

The problem with deservingness and rights is that it enables and empowers those who refuse to strengthen themselves to live under the illusion that they too are 'worthy' of claiming anything simply because they are supposed to be defended by society while in reality, they remain frustrated because they know deep down that they are not 'deserving' of what they have. Deep down they know that they are not putting in the effort needed to produce the results they are enjoying. At the end of the day it is simply sustaining their inherent lack of confidence and self worth even more.

[–]mummersfarce_is_done 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is one of the most amazing comments I have ever read in here! It's very insightful. It helped me realise my mistakes in my own journey.

[–]arealbigboss 1 point2 points  (0 children)

good, fundamental stuff that we ALL need to be reminded of every once in a while.

personal integrity and self-assertiveness are definitely important for me.

[–]peacemakerzzz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice read because it makes total sense.

[–]black_headphone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This post is high value. It sends a positive message to the RP community - something that i rarely come across these days

[–]d6x1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Be body strong and be mind strong. Then get your shit together (grooming, clothes, clean place). Then do things that make you feel righteous (get to work, achieve something, be good at something, do the right thing, create order in the world). Be responsible for your own survival (ability to make money). If you have these self esteem will be automatic and natural.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life. Confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our need and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts."

Ironic isn't it. The exact same attributes make girls intolerable. Females aren't substantive thinkers or doers and thusly, a high self esteem in women is inappropriate. They harbor such massive penis envy and are astonishingly blind to their own lack of competence. Instead of being grateful for being the beneficiaries of our wisdom and advancements they act like rebellious little children. It would be hilarious if it weren't so pathetic and such a waste of time.

[–]JacksLantern points points [recovered]

Except I'm a depressed piece of shit stuck in the dirt with no self esteem, some people just can't.

[–]WhaleMilker points points [recovered]

????????????? Read back your sentence and tell me why you're depressed. You literally called yourself a 'piece of shit' as well as definitively stating that 'some people just can't', thus making yourself a victim.

Start off by not doing things you feel shame for. For example, stop watching porn completely.

[–]NaturalSelect1on[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The six pillars help you understand why you feel like that. Now it's up to you to change yourself for the better.

No one can help you more than yourself!

[–]netherlanddwarf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think #3 is the biggest factor on TRP; between pros and joes. Women like a responsible man.

[–]Thinkingard 0 points1 point  (2 children)

For me self esteem is simple. The more experience I have in something the more self esteem I have and vice versa. I sold cars and had high self esteem once I knew what I was doing. Now Im getting into mortgagesnand Im always second guessing myself and feeling inadequate bc my experience is nill. No amount of happy talk will change my anxiety until I am confident I know what im doing.

[–]GinsengandHoney 0 points1 point  (0 children)

deleted What is this?

[–]honest_wtf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think may be what you can gain additionally by reading the Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset by Carol Dweck. There is a video also on youtube.

[–]CyberninjaZen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great post. There should be more posts like this. I like how it isn't restricted to sexual strategy.