How to be a Social Butterfly [Part 1: Theory] (self.askTRP)

submitted by Heathcliff--

So these past few days I've noticed some posts on the front page discussing aspects of sociability, how to have good conversations and how to be a friendly person in general. I've been meaning to write my own post on the topic for a while now, and recently I've had some experiences that warrant being discussed and some lessons I've learnt that warrant being shared. I'll warn you now, this post will not be short, but it will be full of a lot of information, a lot that I haven't seen being discussed before and a lot of new terms or ideas that I think will help a lot of you guys reading the sub.

We all have Social Anxiety

I used to be a loser. To a huge extent. I had a hard time making friends, and the ones I did make I couldn't keep around. I'd panic in social situations and clam up. I wouldn't know what to say. People would scare me, the ease at which they could communicate with each other and effortlessly talk and befriend one another astounded me. I didn't get how they did it. I had a lot of anxiety and low self worth, and sometimes I was just plain awkward or aggravating around people. I've been ghosted and ostracised from groups before, or gone to parties and stood in the corner not knowing how to connect with anyone.

I'm sure many, many of you guys can relate.

For a long time I thought this was how I was going to be forever, thought I was borderline autistic and was destined for a life of introverted loneliness.

Fast forward four years, TRP and many lays later, and I'm the biggest sweet-talking, shit talking, social Chad I know. I can make friends very easily, with strangers or large groups. I can cold open anyone and be in a deep conversation within 10 minutes. I can meet people on nights out, and reconnect with them later on, forming strong friendships and bonds. I am "that guy" that everybody knows.

How did I do it?

I practised.

Naturals had to learn too

Being social is a skill, a skill that must be learnt, practised and honed. It is an act that must be developed and perfected, and moulded to suit your personality.

"Naturals" do not exist. No one was born understanding social dynamics. No one was born a social Chad. Get that idea out of your head. Thinking this way is a buffer to explain away your own shortcomings and avoid the hard work it takes to learn these skills.

These "Naturals" that you see who can charm a whole group no problem? They learned how to do this... just a long time ago. A lot of them learned it during middle school, or high school... they learned early on how people work and what it takes to be like-able, they were exposed to more friendships and groups early on and honed their skills through trial and error over the years, and yes, they've made plenty of mistakes and had foot-in-mouth moments too.

They learnt how to be this way, and so can you, it's not too late. You just need to be taught the skills and techniques that naturals "just get" and put them into practice, and eventually, you will internalise these skills effortlessly and you'll be a "natural" too. These are skills that you will pick up simply from getting yourself out there and embarrassing yourself.

It's true, you have to be willing to fuck up. If you are not willing to ever be bad at something, you will never reach the point of ever being good at it. This is the same for all skills in life. If you could just try something and be great at it straight away, well I'm jealous dude, because that makes you superhuman. Every single person, whether they were a singer, or a swimmer or a salesman, was horrible at their skill for a long time before they ever got some proficiency.

So yes, you need to get out there and actually TRY and be sociable, and you wll fuck up and that's okay. It's a natural process of growing and learning.

"But isn't it autistic to have to take tips and tricks from a dude on a forum to learn how to make friends?"

I can hear the bloopers shrieking on their subreddit already.

Women have a lot of trouble taking social interactions and breaking them down into digestible, discrete lines of thought. For a lot of women (who have high emotional intelligence) they "just get it". A lot of naturals "just get it" too. The problem is, they can never really explain what "it" is.

As men, we LOVE to construct methods and theories and find the hard truth of reality, so for a lot of us, the only way we can get "it" is to find out what "it" really is. To break reality down into distinct phenomena and find the patterns and relationships is a masculine endeavour, we love that shit and we're very good at it. It's what got us science and engineering and the theory of music.... and it can 100% be applied to sexual and social dynamics as well.

In fact, that's why TRP has done so well the past few years. We break down sexual dynamics into a male-orientated mindset, we find the patterns and methods and theory behind something that a lot of women "just get". That's why the landwhales over on their subreddits like to call us autistic neckbeards because we "analyse things too much".

Well girls, our "over-analysing" is what gave you science and civilisation... and it's created a community of men who have started to understand the mechanisms of sexual dynamics far better than you can.

So in the next post on this topic, I'm going to give you hard broken down, employable methods for being social and making friends. Methods that can be understood easily and employed straight away. Nothing wishy-washy, no bullshit, real hard techniques.

But first, we need to touch on how this will change your life.

Fission Reaction

Last year, I saw a dude in one of my new classes. He was very tall, very jacked and emanated Chad at all levels. He was also on his own and had serious resting bitch face. I took my chance.

"Hi, my names Heathcliff"

He looked at me like I was bothering him. "Hi, I'm Chad"

"You taking this class?" (Stupid question I know)

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah, but I'm really bad with Pharmacology, too many drug names to remember and shit"

His face lit up, "I know right, how do they expect us to have to learn all these?".

And bam, from there it was easy. Chad was actually a really nice guy, he could bench my deadlift and went rock-climbing twice a week. We sat next to each other in class every day.

Chad took me bouldering at the local wall once. From there I was hooked. 1 year and 10kg of muscle gained later, it's become one of my favourite hobbies.

The girls at the climbing walls are literal smokeshows, and easy to open. I've banged three girls I met from the wall alone. I've also made a lot of friends simply from being at the wall consistently.

ClimbingChad taught me how to deadlift better, he spotted me when I was attempting 1RMaxes.

ClimbingChad and I had a close relationship on campus, and we slowly attracted more and more people, including a lot of cute girls, to hang out with us.

By the end of the year, we had a group. We had a squad of people that would hang out in class and outside of it.

Now imagine that first interaction had never happened. Imagine if I never had the balls to just talk to a random stranger. My whole life would have been different. I'd be significantly weaker, less jacked, fewer friends, lower n-count, and less one incredibly important hobby that I now hold dear.

All that because I'd gone up to a stranger and had a friendly chat with him.

It's why we're top of the food chain

Networking and connecting with people is incredibly important because the people you know are the most important determiners of your life direction.

There is no better influence on who you're going to be and where you're going to end up in life than the people you know and the connections you make. Networking is vital and the difference between a successful man and a mediocre man is the charisma and social strength the successful man has in finding and manipulating new people and friends.

There is literally no downside to knowing lots of people. The more people you know, the better your life will be. Period. You have a greater resource pool to draw from, and vastly more potential experiences.

It's very important to make new friends and acquaintances with everyone you meet, you never know where it will take you or what you can get out of them (or mutually do for each other). You never know how significantly your life will change just from having the balls to talk to strangers and put yourself out there. And for every laugh and rejection and embarrassing moment you get, (and they will happen) you will have 20 more life-changing interactions.

DickWeed Girl

A few years ago, I was at a comic-con with my friends. Wondering about alone, I spot a cute girl sitting on a couch by herself. She was on the phone to her mother and was complaining about how bored she was and how she was surrounded by nerds. I sit by her for a bit, wondering if I should talk to her, hamstering myself into paralysis and finding excuses for why I shouldn't bother her. She puts her phone down and lets out a big huff, then glances at me.

Shit, there's my chance.

"You look really bored" I say. (Wow what an opener, genius....)

She gives me a big smile. "Yeah, my brother has Aspergers and my mum made me take him here but he's gone off without me and I can't find him"

"Um, I'm sure he'll turn up.... this place isn't that bad though there's plenty of stuff to do, I'll show you around".

She bounces up with a big grin. "Sure!".

A couple of weeks later I'm balls deep in this girls throat while her boyfriend is blowing up her phone next to us.

This girl was a massive weed addict. Whenever we hung out we'd smoke all the time, 4-5 grams a day easily. One time I didn't have weed and she freaked the fuck out... had a full on anxiety attack and stormed out of my house and started going around asking all the black guys in the neighbourhood for a plug. Over time I realised this girl was batshit insane, and eventually dropped her. But she left me with a pretty crippling weed addiction and I took the "hobby" too seriously for a long time.

A few months later I decide to go to Amsterdam with my then-girlfriend, to try out some good weed of course. While there, I took around 5grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms and my life changed entirely. No exaggeration at all. That first trip fucked me up so good I was never the same again, and from there I slowly went on a path of fixing myself and improving until I got to where I am now; significantly healthier, significantly more mature, much better relationships with drugs and the people around me, and a more wholesome person all round. I would not be here writing this had it not been for psychedelics.

And this entirely because I'd taken the chance I'd been presented with and didn't fuck it up. Entirely because in that moment, I'd had the balls to talk to a cute girl I was intimidated by. In a parallel universe my hamster might have won and I would have pussied out and never spoken to that girl, and I have no idea where I'd be now. Probably entirely worse off.

Social Game

Lastly, before we start on the methods section of this post, I want to stress the importance of Social Game in helping you get laid.

In fact, I think there is no better game at all than Social Game. All the cold-approaches and Tinder bios and lifting in the world won't get you as much pussy as actually 1) having the ability to effortlessly talk and charm people and 2) having a large group of friends and social circle with women in it.

Social Circle game is how most people meet each other and fuck each other. Bar approaches and daytime approaches do happen and they can be successful, but you will always have it easier if you meet people through a large group of friends that you are part, it also helps immensely with Night Game.

Not only do you have massive amounts of Social Proof and Pre-Selection you also have access to lots of different women that you can easily meet, who won't treat you as a potential threat and are already comfortable with your presence. Women in bars who see you walking in or hanging out with a mixed group of friends will respect you much more, and will want to be part of the vibrant group energy, making it significantly easier to game them. Women who see that other people like you and you have lots of friends will instantly think of you better. Remember, a girl needs to consider you safe and secure in order to want to fuck you, and seeing that other people like you is enough to check her box.

In my next post, I'm going to give you all some hard-methods in achieving Social-Butterfly status and a field report on how I recently employed these techniques. I won't write them in this post as this has already been pretty long and I know from experience that the longer the wall of text the less likely people are to read the whole thing and instead just skim, and I honestly think this information is so important for the community that I'd like a lot of the newbies to read it. Pick-Up Game has been done to death and we all know how it works, but Social Game is a bit of a harder topic to tackle and I'm going to give it a shot.

Watch out for the next post coming straight after this one which will detail methods and lessons in social interactions.

Lessons Learned

  • Being Social is Skill that needs to be learned and practised

  • "Naturals" are just people who honed their skills earlier than most

  • There are definite methods and techniques that you can use to improve your social game (will be discussed in the next post)

  • It's okay to fuck up, it happens to all of us. You'll never improve if you don't

  • Men are very good at recognising patterns and methods for success in all phenomena

  • Talking to people and making new friends will have HUGE effects on your personal life

  • Getting laid is much easier when you have a large group of friends, a large pool of women to meet and the ability to effortlessly find more

[–]3whatsthisgarg 87 points88 points  (6 children)

I want to reinforce this point, about your ClimbingChad. It's a lot easier to just talk to people than a lot of guys think.

It reminded me of something I wrote some months ago; this was to a guy who was in college and NOT taking advantage of the circumstances of being around so many people:

You need to start talking to people (NOT just women, people). Get some counseling, that alone is one person who you have to talk to. Then you have to talk to the receptionist. Just talk and stop worrying.

You are in college; if you can't bring yourself to talk in class, notice a person (NOT a woman) who talks in class, note what HE says, then go to HIM after class, and make a comment or ask him how he thought of that or something. Do this in a crowd on a sidewalk or hallway. You could actually possibly have a conversation. Other people possibly WOMEN could notice two MEN having a conversation. That's the beginning of your social status.

Go talk to your professors. If you do this right after class, people (and women) will see this. (That's what normal people do.) And It's part of their job to talk to you. Ask them anything. A lot of college professors like to help students.

Take a class in film or theater or journalism. You will have to be part of a crew. You will have to talk to people. Be quiet at first, that's fine, nobody cares. But you will eventually have to talk to people.

Join a club at your college; there must be hundreds. You don't even have to join, just go to a meeting, maybe you'll see somebody that you saw somewhere else, and that can be a conversation.

Speaking of club or association meetings: you can't just go up to some stranger on the street or in a bar and accost them and ask why they are interested in the thing they are talking about. But you can do exactly that at a club meeting. That's what it's for. Then when you're talking, just let it go and see where it goes.

So, what have I said? Learn to talk to PEOPLE. Not women.

Also, stop making it all about you. Funny thing you will find out is, people like to talk about themselves. So try this: instead of trying to TALK TO PEOPLE, try starting a conversation, then just asking them about themselves, basically LISTEN TO PEOPLE. They will go on and on. And, studies have shown, those same people who just talked about themselves and didn't really learn anything about you? They will rate YOU as MORE LIKEABLE than people they talked to who talked about themselves.

[–]Qerus 10 points11 points  (5 children)

this was to a guy who was in college and NOT taking advantage of the circumstances of being around so many people

Holy shit I'm so glad I wasn't this person. Had college orientation a month ago, keep in mind this is a huge fucking school with shit tons of people, so you have to talk to people in order to survive.

All you have to do is start with general comments related to the day, agree, and ask about them. And I absolutely agree, listening is the easiest part of it all. After this, I would estimate that the amount of meaningful connections I made were around 20+ in the matter of 2 days. I am very grateful for these test waters to understand my social prowess after 4 shitty high school years of laying back and just watching, instead of doing.

In high school, you could go without a group, you could be as introverted as you wanted without terrible consequence. I've come to see that in college, your network influences your SMV much more. Touching on OP's words:

There is literally no downside to knowing lots of people. The more people you know, the better your life will be. Period. You have a greater resource pool to draw from, and vastly more potential experiences. It's very important to make new friends and acquaintances with everyone you meet, you never know where it will take you or what you can get out of them (or mutually do for each other). You never know how significantly your life will change just from having the balls to talk to strangers and put yourself out there. And for every laugh and rejection and embarrassing moment you get, (and they will happen) you will have 20 more life-changing interactions.

My plan as a freshman in college is to make a list of everyone I meet, and write down everything about them in a list. Their hobbies, interests, personality, mentality, strengths, weaknesses. There are a couple reasons to do this:

  • To better understand your peers
  • To create larger groups of people with similar interests

Essentially, you can manage your peers to most efficiently utilize your time spent with them doing meaningful things that both benefit you career wise and personally.

Edit: that's not to say they aren't benefitting as well

[–]-Maksim- 7 points8 points  (4 children)

My plan as a freshman in college is to make a list of everyone I meet, and write down everything about them in a list. Their hobbies, interests, personality, mentality, strengths, weaknesses.

No judgment as it's really not an awful idea, but that sounds like something straight out of American Psycho or Dexter...

[–]Qerus 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It does sound very engineered and controlling, however building relationships in college is building power in the real world. With an opportunity to meet magnitudes more people than in highschool, it would be a waste to not maximize my sphere of influence.

[–]-Maksim- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone who's been through it at a large Uni, just leave your door open in the dorms. Share some beers, play sports, or make sure to get involved with a student org. or two and you're gonna leave with a big circle of friends if you're a normal dude.

But hey if the list helps you out, go for it.

[–]An_All-Beef_Engineer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

something straight out of American Psycho or Dexter...


If these characters kept lists of phone numbers, you would delete your contacts? It's just a trait of highly organised individuals. Take a look at Elon Musk's list at the bottom of his 2006 blog.

[–]yxngdrilla19 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do the same thing as well. The new school year as started so there's a lot of information to collect. Remember Law 12: Pose as a friend, work as a spy.

[–]SamuraiPizzaCatz 27 points28 points  (1 child)

TFW I've known all this since I were a kid but never once attempted to apply it to my own life.

If I had to reinforce one concept, it's "How can you expect people to like you when you don't like yourself", and explain it from the perspective of "People probably like you, but you think they don't like you because you don't like you".

If you're a guy who is too hard on yourself reading the OP's post, learn how to acknowledge your achievements and chill the fuck out.

If you're a guy with no redeemable qualities, become a guy who you can respect.

[–]SamuraiPizzaCatz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All that is rich coming from me, but do as I say and not as I do and all that.

[–]The-Peter-Principle 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Up voting for comment on Psilocybin. The benefits of it have been massively suppressed yet the few studies that have looked at it have shown overwhelming benefits to depression and no addictive properties. It also alters a personality trait over the long term - increasing Openness to Experience. This probably explains, in part, your willingness to take point on trying to open up people, go to new places, do new things and hence open up your social network.

I think everyone who isn't clinically paranoid should try it.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

As a socially recessive guy, I find what really holds me back is constantly thinking about everything. Thinking about what to say, how to say it, what body language to have, what topic to bring up, what facial expression to make (ridiculous that I have to make a conscious effort with this, I may have a slight form of Asperger's even), and everything in between.

But the reality is human interaction really isn't that fucking complex and I find when I meditate or when I'm in a IDGAF mood conversation is so smooth and I catch myself making jokes and easily picking up on other people's conversations. I also tend to be more flirty with the girls whereas I'm usually so serious and quiet.

Just yesterday at work I walked into the backroom to make coffee for the dining room and a couple of coworkers were talking about 80s commercials and I was able to participate within 10 seconds of listening and after a while we were all laughing and joking around. I've never even watched that many 80s commercials but it's easy to make general statements like "Yeah it's just got that corny quality to it, hard to resist" that people can relate to which keeps ball rolling.

[–]Froufrousse 1 points1 points [recovered]

TL;DR : take psychedelics, find a Chad friend, lift

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Top 3 EC. Good fucking shit. Excited for part 2.

[–]capecoma 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This was a great read. Thanks.

[–]1htbf 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Weed also helped me a shitton into turning into a social butterfly.

I have been experimenting these last weeks with strangers and old friends. I met enough people that I'd need a full time secretary to keep track of everyone.

The most important thing is to TALK TO EVERYONE. Even if social decorum would ask of you to leave people alone and not disturb them, go against it. Don't be afraid to jump into conversation no one invited you in. Don't be afraid to subtly interrupt. Don't be afraid to eaves-drop. Don't be afraid to state your mind and smile, no matter what the response is.

I would be walking to my apartment with groceries and hear a couple discussing about how "perfection does not exist". I turn my head, throw a huge smile and throw "the weather is perfect today". Surprise on his face, huge smile on her face.

I was invited in to a birthday in a park in Paris last week. I live in Canada and don't know anyone but for the friend (and his GF) who are bringing me with them. I sit down with them, say hi to the people that greet them, grab a beer and just pay attention to everyone. I hear a dude say "casablanca" and next thing you know I'm on my feet barging in his conversation with a smile "hi, did I hear Casablanca ?". He laughs, says yeah, ensues an hour long conversation. I ask who he knows, I end up talking to other people through him. I stayed until 4 in the morning in the park, long after my friends were gone, just being a butterfly.

Yesterday, a technician came to install my internet. Greeted him by his first name, I asked about his day, he asked about my apartment, I asked if it was his last intervention for the day, offered a beer, he declined, told him he's welcome to check the roof after he's done and grab the beer then. Told him he had the apartment for himself and would be waiting for him upstairs. He joined when he finished, took a beer, sat down with us, enjoyed a sunset on my roof, and told me I was the best client he ever had. When he was there, I un-apologetically asked about him, told him he was free to come back on the roof anytime he was in the neighborhood.

[–]dking168 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I love this post but just like social media, you are only highlighting the good social interactions. You need to have a dose of reality and tell people about your failures as well. If you were trying to tell your story and want have a greater impact. You must give real life examples of your failure so when you do reveal the big social connection that you made, it makes it more glorious. When I read this, all I think is wow he summoned a muster of courage in those 15 seconds and he had wild success. Just talking about failure as a theory is fine but with examples, it gives a reader a more personable relatiability.

Overall, I am looking to your next part and I hope you take my feedback into play for your next post because I want to hear about how you learned from your failures because that is where you get the most growth, not from your success.

[–]throwawaytidkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% agree. I would say that the chance of people negatively reacting to your overly-social attitude are at least 50%. However there are probably ways to limit failures and increase successes that OP doesn't talk about here.

I used to combat my natural intraversion by being overly social, breaking up others' conversations to get words in and loudly sharing my opinions when they weren't asked for. It gained me a lot of notoriety that came with both good and bad consequences.

[–]1empatheticapathetic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I generally love all your posts but an issue with your advice is that it's always from the point of view of a Chad. If you're Chad you're not playing the same game as you're probably quite aware. Ive spent the last 10 years working on my social skills and I think I'm fairly sociable (still kind of retarded sometimes, not always hugely confident), but still people don't always want to talk to me due to my perceived value based on looks.

You'll be forgiven for many things if you're Chad but chastised and shit tested constantly if your looks don't match the personality they think should match your looks/SMV. These people can get fucked obviously but eventually it's recognised as a recurring theme and you hit a ceiling for effort/reciprocation ratio.

[–]ayylma088 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Women have a lot of trouble taking social interactions and breaking them down into digestible, discrete lines of thought. For a lot of women (who have high emotional intelligence) they "just get it".

I actually don't think that women do actually get it or a are super sociable. I mean yes women tend to talk more and be more social in general but that I believe also comes from the fact that women generally don't have to prove themselves in any social context ever (except work/uni related stuff obviously)

Also women never have to fear about coming off creepy/aggressive/hostile/threatening. In general those kinds of things mostly happen to men so they have less pressure when in social situations, why?

They don't need to prove shit, that takes away pressure and in return actually makes them come off more relaxed etc.

-----------Other than that 'ok' post I'd say : ----------------------

(There is a lot of self validation without actual help being posted. I mean yeah sure, talking to a cute chick at Comic con might lead to you banging her, but there is literally no advice posted on how to go there from a simple: I'll Show you around // what were the next steps, how did you stay in touch etc. --> I get what your message is, but you are oversimplifying hard)

[–]bouba_al 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree with all the article, more connection is more power and a better life. I am waiting the next part.
I saw you wrote about psychedelics. I would suggest you to try Ayahuasca, which is the king of psychedelics trip, in terms of healing and helping affirmating your direction in life

[–]SPREAD_THE_LOVE_7791 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have strong social anxiety, but I've been working hard on it and I will continue to see results. I fucked 3 girls in the past 2 weeks (one 4, one 6, and one 7) from clubs which is insane considering my social anxiety/social ability. Your post is another piece of inspiration because of where you started and where you are now. I also gained some knowledge that changed my perspective (or just reinforced what I always knew deep, deep inside), but hurry the fuck up with that next post, you didn't give any detailed methods!

[–]Shakydrummer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Networking is SO damn vital with anything. A year ago I got into a really good band that has its shit really together, and I made it my goal to improve my social networking both on and offline, both for professional and personal reasons. The dynamic in my life is so different then it was a year ago because of taking of taking risks and being unafraid to just talk to people. Who gives a shit if they're male or female, it's all about the connection with People

[–]David_029_Tredecies 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm eager to look forward to read on the next episode. Worth a research. If this mistake is true, I was thinking that if being an awkward guy is hopeless to build friends due to the curse of a mentally handicapped person (A.K.A. "introversion associated with bade experiences") then being a tough looking silent type is more mature than the talkative loudmouth. I found out it is bullshit. Calling people for attention to say an interesting by mentioning a name is considered a DLV (Demonstration of Low Value)? Why? It is rather needy and trying hard compared to guy doesn't need to mention name to listen to his stories and poof!

[–]BrodinsOats 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This post opened up very strongly, but then the message got watered down as you meandered too far off topic. Your writing style is great, the post just needs to be edited down quite a bit to distill the core message.

Thank you for the post!

[–]do_it_or_leave 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I disagree, the message he wanted to pass now was how valuable the knowledge he will share will be.

[–]roidr -1 points-1 points [recovered]

ClimbingChad taught me how to deadlift better, he spotted me when I was attempting 1RMaxes.

How the FUCK do you spot someone deadlifting

world class powerlifters dont use spotters for this because there's no need

like waht the fuck

[–]Heathcliff-- 1 points1 points [recovered]

on my other lifts. Squat and bench and ohp. Use your noggin.