This is going to be about a date I had last week. I'm partially writing because I need to tell the whole story, but it's also loaded with shit tests, social cues, and frame. The format is going to be a little funky so I can highlight the useful bits as they come up.
I work as a bartender in a restaurant. Early last week I went in early to score some food before my shift. Upon arriving one of the older "career" waitresses tells me that her cute friend is at the bar, is recently single, and that I should go flirt with her. I may or may not have a reputation at work for being the company whore (No, I don't dip in the company ink). I tell her I'll see what's up after I eat, I'm starving. She seems a little confused by this.
Gynocentrism - Wait, I just told this guy there's a pretty, available girl nearby and he's not literally jumping up and down with excitement?!?
So, I munch, then I go out back for a smoke before my shift. When I get to the alley, there's a woman smoking and staring at her phone whom I've never seen before. It's the beginning of the evening before the rush so I can only assume this is who my coworker was talking about. She's got her back to the door I come out of, but she hears me, she turns and we make eye contact. I ignore her, light up, throw my headphones on and get myself ready to turn on the charm and make those dollars. Nothing like some music to get you fired up.
A minute or two passes, and another coworker approaches from the far end of the alley, on her way into work. So, I'm on the right end, 10 feet to my left is HB7 with her back to me, and ten feet further is other coworker. I pop my headphones off and my coworker and I exchange hellos, with HB7 in the middle. Coworker goes inside, and HB7 turns to me and says "I didn't know anybody else was out here".
IOI ~ Remember, pay attention to her actions, not her words. She knew damn well I was sitting a few feet from her. "I didn't know you were out here" meant "I would like to talk to you"
So I take my headphones off and chat with her a bit. I said, you must be (coworker's) friend. She asked how I knew, I told her directly that coworker told me to come flirt with you, and that's she's cuter than I expected.
Be direct ~ I told her right from the beginning I found her attractive, and that the *only reason I was talking to her to was to see where that goes.*
We chat for a few, turns out we're both recently out of relationships, she does hair for a living. If anybody is interested, I'm willing to pay a handsome sum to any man who can find a hair stylist who isn't batshit insane - it's for science.
So I start shift, she's sitting at the bar, but I ignore her because I've got to get this bar set up for the evening. I'm very meticulous about my bar, if everything isn't in it's specific spot I get frustrated. She cashes out with me, I give her my number and say we should grab a drink, it could be good for the both of us.
Again, be direct ~ there's a clear subtext here that this is a physical, rebound type thing.
We set something up for a few days later - beers at a local dive bar. First hour flies by, she's much wittier than I expected. She's 10 years old than me, but still pretty hot for her age. She came across at first as one of those girls who'd been hot her whole life and never had to develop a personality, I was pleasantly happy to be proven wrong. Then the shit tests begin. "I don't want to offend you by this, but are you gay?"
I knew exactly what she was talking about, I do have some mannerisms that can come across as gay. When I start really talking about something, I can get "gay hands". I've gotten it before, it doesn't really bother me.
Shit test ~ this one I responded to directly. No - but I have gotten that before, it's just something I do sometimes without noticing, I don't really care about it enough to change it.
But it keeps. coming. up. Mostly in the form of jokes, some of which are actually pretty funny. The fact that she kept calling me gay didn't frustrate me, but after awhile the same jokes being repeated over and over again, like any joke would, was starting to get old. Still, I showed no frustration, and teased her back about several things.
It's at this point in any normal date I probably would've bailed out of lack of interest, but I really have to admit, she would actually make me laugh on occasion and how often do you ever meet a girl who's funny?
Now we're a little sauced, and I start to get a bit sloppy with my game. She starts talking about her ex. I shut it down earlier in the night, but it comes back up again, and I'm not focused so I let her go for a bit. Next thing you know, 10 minutes have gone by and she tells me that she's put me in the friendzone.
Shit test #2 (well, number #87, but the first 86 were all the same one) ~ Never let women go on about their exes on dates. Anecdotally, whatever, but in detail, shut that shit down. I slipped up here, realized it, and won it back. When she said that, I told her I was thinking the same damned thing, she's been friendzoned as well, and that surprised her. She asked why. Because you won't shut up about your ex, that's why. That's first date etiquette 101.
It gets quiet. I made a joke earlier in the night where I called her a name that was similar to hers. I say "(wrong name) go get us some beers." She lights up, she likes being told what to do. "You just moved out of the friendzone" - yeah, whatever, go.
Preselection ~ a little side note here, at some point during our date another girl I had seen somewhat recently walked past our table and waved to me. She saw I was out with a rather good looking girl - guess who texted the next day?
So we finish up at the bar, it's closing time. All in all the night was fun, I know we talk about outcome dependence, but his wasn't a date I was very excited about before I left the house, and it turned out to be at the least stimulating. We had some good bantz.
So we're walking out, and she says "Let me just grab something out of my car". I look over at her with a face that says "I didn't invite you over". She then says "I mean, what do you want to do now?" Now I invite her over for some wine. She says "Okay, but I'm not going to fuck you" - "Whatever"
Shit test #3 ~ Every, single, damned, time I've invited a girl over and she's responded with "okay, but I'm not going to fuck you" guess what ended up happening? Again, actions over words. The subtext here is "I haven't decided if I'm going to fuck you yet, but I haven't ruled it out."
So we drink wine and banter and bullshit more. I make a move, she accuses me of being gay again, I roll my eyes in the gayest way I can "gurrrlll please". Eventually it gets to the bedroom. I think you know the rest. And again in the morning, and a (awesome) handjob before she leaves. She's apologizing for her all of her behaviors last night (shit testing) over and over again.
Conclusion & Lessons Learned :
In conclusion, she girl tested me way harder than probably any woman I've gone out with ever has. Once I recognized this I saw the rest as a kind of challenge, a whetstone to sharpen my skills on. I think the part I was most impressed with myself with was that none of her bullshit actually bothered and there was a bit more that I left out of the post because this is already dragging on. I think the fact that she had a pretty strong wit played into that though, some of her bullshit was legitimately pretty funny.
1 - Always pay attention to her actions, not her words. Everybody, men and women alike, is full of shit. Do this with every person you meet and it'll take you far.
2 - Hold your goddamn frame. I wasn't super stoked on this date before I went out, it was something to do on a Wednesday, I was just looking to go out and have some fun, and that's exactly what I did. Had she not been clever I'd have bailed.
3 Those are the two main lessons here, the examples are italicized.