A lot of this is related to my journey. That's the nature of only having lived my life. A lot of it I relate specifically to women because it's an easy example I know you'll relate to, although all has wider applications. I'm trying to lay out a road-map of lessons we haven't taught you yet. These are truths I suffered a lot to learn but I would have suffered much more for not learning them.
This is a very long post. I could have split this up and made it more palatable for the majority, however, I chose not to because every word which has survived the writing and editing has earned its place. It's a lot to digest and not all of it is easy reading. Mulling it over a few sittings is fine.
Why Working on Your Personality is Important
Primacy and the Halo effect dictate that for initial attraction, nothing beats looks. If you want fast lays and piles of ONS’s you only need to be good looking and confident enough to say "sup?"
However, initial attraction is not everything. I went through a stage where I had a douchebag persona: I trolled everyone, I made fun of everything and I cared less about other people than busting a nut. I got laid but had trouble keeping girls around for more than a month or so. I was lonely a lot of the time. I did everything which was considered ‘right’ in the PUA circles. I was the perfect asshole. I knew all the lines, I knew all the moves. It was innovative game back then.
This started because I was an insecure teenager with no social skills or sexual experience and no clue about developing either. I had less social-experience than most kids my age because I'd spent so much of my life in and out of homes, in and out of families. PUA was a quick-fix to the years of normal socialization I'd never had. It was better than the trite "be yourself" because I had no idea who I was. I was derealized and in truth I couldn’t even comprehend how other people behaved, what they believed.
By the time I was 18 I could get laid with a new girl at least 50% of the time I wanted to and had a steady stable of 2-5 women at any stage. From 15-18 I’d done a few thousand approaches, been rejected a few thousand times, made out with a few hundred women, had sex with about two dozen of them. I was well above-average in that regard for my age. However, I was extremely apathetic and only understood people in an input-output sense. I thought chasing sex would make me happy, but it didn’t, even when I had an abundance. I was disenfranchised because I’d never learned to be in touch with my emotions. I was lonely because I’d never learned to experience another person. I didn’t even enjoy sex that much- it was a salve- because I didn’t understand that feelings were the sultriest spice.
I met a girl who was and still is beautiful inside and out, someone who continues to be important to me as a friend. We worked through a lot of stuff together. I don’t believe in loveTM as the product Hollywood wants to sell. This wasn’t “my one”, because no such exists. Rather, she was the person who helped me get back in touch with feelings I hadn’t had since I was prepubescent. We dated for years and parted on good terms. As I said, we’re still friends. After our relationship, I was a much more complete person. I’m not recommending to date someone as a sort of therapy, I’m telling you it helped me.
I got back into casual sex afterwards. It was a lot easier as I didn’t have to play games. I just “showed up” and most of the time a girl would be interested. I could go out once a week and get a new girl most times. They were far better too. Not just hotter: they wouldn't be flaky, play games or behave like brats. The reason was simple: I had become the person I was faking all those years ago, which attracted the women I truly wanted all along.
The Power of Emotion
Emotions are a controversial topic within the Manosphere. Often, they are portrayed as feminine, the belief conveyed that ‘real men’ have no feelings. The error in this thinking is that it ignores the pragmatic value of emotions.
It’s important to draw a distinguishing line between useful emotions and dysfunctional emotions. Useful emotions are heuristics; shortcuts in thinking which serve a rational purpose. They are the pinnacle of millions of years of evolution. They can be considered positive in the sense that they assist accomplishment. The emotion of depression can sometimes fit this description but would not be considered positive in other senses. Depression can be a motivator for change because it forces you to alter your behaviour to escape helplessness.
Dysfunctional emotions serve no purpose or outlive their purpose. They may have initially been valuable resources for improvement, but they’re stretched past their use. Chronic depression is the ideal example of this phenom. These emotions occur more often when you’re not in-tune to the meaning of your emotions in the first place. Attempting to suppress feelings instead of questioning the ‘why’ leads here ; which is the danger inherent to thinking of emotions as fundamentally opposed to logic. Instead it is healthier to think of them as tools to assist logical thinking in situations where there is much unknown information. Social settings for example.
I’ll talk mainly on the useful emotions because I think most of the Manosphere understands dysfunctional emotions. The tool ‘emotion’ serves to create snap value judgements. It is a trainable skill used to discern what is rewarding vs punishing. Trainable meaning something initially felt to cause pain- working out, approaching women- will eventually cause pleasure which can then be used as a motivator to continue the task. It truly is a skill though. Since many of them are incorrect- IE they don’t fit your life circumstances or goals- you must readjust to utilize them. You have many possibilities here. With women, approach anxiety is often seen as a negative. In this instance, you can reframe instead and begin seeing it as a sign of sexual tension, thus allowing you to escalate in more dynamic manner.
Cutting yourself off from your emotions is going through life partially blind. The ultimate goal is to be able to allow yourself your emotions while at the same time keeping enough distance to be able to judge their value and separate yourself if need be. This leads to more fulfilling relationships, but in the case things head south your life is not over since you never left your path. You will feel still feel sad, or angry, or disappointed- but that is healthy. There isn’t even a trade-off: by allowing yourself to be open to your emotions you gain the full spectrum of pleasure, some of which isn’t even conceivable logically. I can’t explain to you how it feels to have a beautiful 18-year-old virgin tell you she loves you as you enter her for the first time, I can’t accurately quantify how her hymen breaking feels like she is gifting herself to you, nor can I describe the beauty of what follows. I can wax poetic about the topic but I can’t make you feel it, even if you’ve experienced it yourself. At the same time, the sadness you might feel years later when the relationship crumbles is another gift. That pain is motivation, a communication to you that now you must change for the better to bring more good into your life. It will make you stronger.
Emotions don’t belong in all situations. Scientific inquiry should be as devoid of them as possible. Social situations are not scientific however. Sex is not logical. Emotion makes both infinitely easier to manage, because both sexes predominately choose to associate based on who makes them feel good. It’s easier to do so by passing on your own energies than by learning a billion pickup tactics to try and cover all the situations you may encounter. It’s also going to lead to more novelty, because the array of emotions inspired by an individual will always differ while the script may not.
Again: there is only reward in allowing yourself to feel emotions so long as you have the self-control and acumen to distinguish a feeling serving your higher purpose from one which diminishes you. Try to always allow yourself to feel emotions, however keep a critical eye on their cause and their effect. Once you understand the ‘why’ then you can work towards the how or what. If you ignore them in favour of continuing what you’re already doing without reflection, you’re playing a dicey game. Sometimes emotions are dysfunctional. They’re fallible just as humans are fallible. This is something only reflection can teach however.
Personality vs Persona
What distinguishes personality from persona is that the former is reframing your own beliefs to create organic desire to behave in the appropriate manner, while the latter is an act you put on to achieve an outcome. For example, be a good listener is OK advice. However, if you believe that other people already know you are enough and instead they are the ones convincing you of their worth then you tend to do most of the listening anyway. You change from listening because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do to listening to learn about them and decide where they fit in your reality. You screen people, not prove yourself to them. Same behaviour, different belief, better outcomes.
Using sex as an example, instead of you behaving in a certain way to earn the reward of sex, sex is a gift you share with someone because you’re attracted to one another. I’ve found this to be healthier than another extreme- that sex is your gift to her- because this is also untrue and arrogant. Sex feels amazing for both of you, it’s something you both want and as such neither of you is ‘giving’ it to the other.
The difference between a “niceguy” and a nice guy.
The dichotomy between nice and sexy doesn’t exist. The reason “niceguys” struggle so badly is because they usually have nothing going for them, lack the confidence to express themselves and they always try to make intercourse transactional. They believe “If I act like this, if I support her, if I buy her this then she HAS to fuck me.” That attitude is repulsive to women. The way you behave should never be in a manner which is designed to try and ‘earn’ sex, figuratively or no.
It’s apparent then that if being a “niceguy” is a negative then so too is acting like an asshole to get women. Because you are still behaving in a certain way to try and get pussy. The currency differs, but the attitude doesn't. It shows insecurity; you don’t think you’re enough to fuck her without the act. To clarify, you will often be called an asshole without doing the shtick. There is a difference between “gaming” with the attitude that a woman needs to impress you while having fun and acting rude to get a reaction, controversial for the sake of controversial. One is a healthy frame to come from: screening women for compatibility. The other is a mask men who don’t believe in their sex appeal put on to prove themselves worthy.
Being nice is never a detriment so long as you don’t let yourself be walked over. The metaphor of a steel hand within a silken glove is perfect: You will never go out of your way to offend someone but you’re not afraid to cause offense by sticking to your guns. You don’t feel the need to prove anything, to convince someone of your reality, but you will always be in your reality and if they want in they better behave. This quality is magnetic. People will love and respect you, your opinion will be valued and women won’t even consider playing the games they play with weaker men. When you appear without an act you stride as naked as Achilles into the fray, showing no fear in revealing yourself because you know your power lies within.
The difference between ‘game’ and getting laid.
Often men, at least those newer to this, believe it’s ‘game’ that gets them laid. In truth, game is an attempt to display certain qualities which women value to maximise your chances of sleeping with them. In other words, you’re trying to impress women. It only works if the woman believes you hold enough value to behave in that way, in which case 'game' is irrelevant. Most women are perceptive enough to see if you doubt yourself, which is usually why men turn to game in the first place. In other words: when you act in that way for the woman (IE, to achieve the outcome of sex) it shows you don’t trust in your own appeal. You are showing that you believe sex is something she gives you as a reward for giving her tingles with your alpha-act.
However, when you show authenticity between your behaviours and your beliefs, no such divide exists. Instead, you show to her that you know you have a lot of sex appeal and you know she loves sex. Therefore, if she wants to have good sex and you want her, you’ll get down.
It is an easy way to interact with women once you have the trust in yourself to do so. When you let go of expectations and communicate from your desire to theirs, a lot of the barriers between you will fall away. The concept of a “shit-test” is seen then not as her testing you but as her venting her own insecurities. Because, really, why would she be testing you? If you’re sincere that screams true confidence so loud as to drown out her doubts about your character or intentions. When you are this person, true to you, then you can be true to her to. You can communicate what you want and expect that if she wants it, then she’ll let you lead her there. ‘Game’ then becomes a conversation of exploration for both of you, followed by your invitation somewhere private. This is how the fast pulls occur. If so inclined, I routinely do this bit in <20 minutes and say something like “This place is boring, want to come see my drawings?”
On the same note, the very common issue of her friends not wanting her to leave with you evaporates. You chit-chat with them for a minute then say “So, I know you want to keep her safe, let’s trade numbers before we leave so you can still contact her if her phone dies?”
Not everyone will like you. Most people will, but a lot of people just suck anyway. The average person is below average- which is to say the average person is many degrees worse than the high-calibre people you will want in your life. The mode IQ is 88, but the mean is 100- meaning there is a small percentage of incredibly smart people and a large portion of people with lower intellect. The same holds true for pretty much any trait you might find attractive- only 35% of people are a healthy weight, only 33% of people with a gym membership will use it more than once, etc.
As such you shouldn’t cater to the majority because the majority sucks. At the same time, majority makes society. Therefore, neither can you willfully offend in a righteous quest to prove their inferiority. Instead you treat them with respect as people but don’t let them have bearing on your life. Again: you live in your reality, they live in theirs unless they meet the standard to be invited in.
Better than catering to the majority is training your personality the way you would train a muscle, to forge a personality which fosters relationships you desire. If you subscribe to The Red Pill, that probably means you want to be pro-social and masculine. The most important base trait is honesty: men with higher testosterone tend to be more honest while honesty is considered one of the strongest indicators of positive personality. Honesty is so potent because sincere expression displays confidence, it shows your reality is so magnificent that no components of it are hidden.
I’m referring to relationships, not necessarily dating.
Entering relationships with the perspective that they are a trade is unhealthy. I can agree on an intellectual level that most all relationships do have an element of trade. However, as with sex, the transactional view within the context of friendships is a recipe for disaster. This leads to a painfully restricted social life which limits interpersonal growth.
The attitude that you give your friend A so your friend must give you B breeds resentment. It also boxes you into that trade as friends, because if it doesn’t happen then one of you will feel like the ‘deal’ has been broken. You can’t just shoot-the-shit, or invent a project with a friend who is using you and vice versa. That’s what it is on a fundamental level: instead of being valuable and attracting those who are valuable, you are negotiating what essentially amounts to a business deal. Your social life is not an enterprise. If you treat it as one it will take longer to get ‘results’, be a more stressful and ultimately chew up more time and effort than it's worth.
This is the exact same as if you treat a woman as a masturbation aid: You don’t learn to enjoy her as a person, which limits the pleasure you can give each other. If she sticks around past round one then it means she sees it as a trade also, which means she’ll be your pocket-pussy if you’re her wallet, or the douchebag who keeps her entertained. Going through life closing yourself off to the possibility of interpersonal growth is as crippling as a missing limb, because human beings are a social animal.
I often see dominance portrayed poorly. Many men- myself included- have mistaken domineering and dominating. True dominance arises from discipline: when you have mastered yourself, others will accept your frame. That doesn’t mean they’ll acquiesce to your every demand. Nor should you be making demands- this is domineering. Instead of trying to force others to do what you want, show your absolute dominion over the self and the right people will choose to join you. If you want submissive but secure women, this is how you get them. My personal preference is this type, because the type who are submissive due to insecurity tend to be high maintenance and contribute less in other areas.
Relating the above: you don’t have to be dominant if you don’t want to be. The entire thing about personality is that it should be a true expression of your personal preference. I want women who are submissive because I am dominant, not because society told me men are manly. If I wanted to get pegged, I would do that, because I know hiding my true desires would leave me less satisfied than the strap-on. I want honest women so I’m honest to them, which weeds out those who don’t stop playing games. I want women who are smart and cultured, so I let them speak. If they don’t have hobbies outside of Instagram and Tinder then they’re out.
On Being Hurt
I know one criticism, where people will see this as being not Redpilled, is that I espouse exposing yourself to emotional pain. There is no contradiction here. Pain is the biggest motivator for growth in the universe. We learn more from failures than successes, we are more risk-averse than we are reward-inclined. If you can be the type of person who risks pain, you are the type of person who will improve themselves. This is the reason risk-taking behaviour is alpha and why risk-avoidance is beta- see bad boys.
“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.” – Ali
The highest level of game is the one which gives you the power to make your own choices, on your own terms and for yourself. I personally have come to loathe going out to bars or club’s due to the loud environment and omnipresent drug use. As such I pick up mainly during the daytime. That fact alone led to a lot of these realizations, because there is less margin for error when women aren’t out specifically to get fucked. They’re more thoughtful when they’re not a dozen shots deep.
The highest level of game also involves not having to ‘game’ in the sense that you’re not putting on act. You can be satisfied that if you show up to the right types of places, you’ll be able to meet interesting people who will be interested in you. You won’t be forced to perform to catch some club skank, neither will you need to project family-values you win over the virgin girls. Instead you show people every level they could be compatible with you and inspect them for the same.
You may want to keep girls you value as “friends with benefits”. You may want to date monogamously. You might just want to party and plow through the female population. All are should be motivated by true desire though. If you let your ego define your goals, you become what you do, not who you are. We're all guilty of this at some time or another. When I was trying to hit a triple-digit count I cared about it because I thought it would make me a man. 100 women? Who could ever deny my sexual prowess then! Becoming in touch with my emotions motivated me to try new things. Some of them worked, some of them didn’t. I began to fix physical issues as a result, things I never would had I continued to ignore the boredom training was causing me. I began to fix social problems, because although I could sleep with many women I had few friends. I stopped reading solely non-fiction, chasing ‘how-to.’ I began reading stories, finding a place to foster my imagination, a form of meditation.
These may seem unrelated examples, but they share commonalities: all will improve you, all will give you pleasure but no one else can decide if they're right for you.
Chase your highest desires, refuse to be bogged-down in the rat-race of ego which will mire most. The only person living your life is you. You are the most important person.