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Rant/Venting"Rejection is better than Regret" and the habit of fear (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by [deleted]

Someone recently posted a link to the Book of Pook, I was stumbling through it and I know this section (below) from the Book of Pook is about girls, but it more so applies to the whole of life.

It hit me that most of my life has been 'fear of loss', or better, a phrase I learned lately, 'the habit of fear'...

Man, just put opportunity or life where the 'woman' or 'girl' appears and this story is about life itself.

This realisation hit me like a ton of bricks...

Damn.


A young man, overflowing with desire, saw a woman he thought was extremely cute. She was simply walking around and was involved with her own things.

“I should speak to her,” he told himself. “I must meet her!”

But his body would not obey. He stood there, watching her in the corner of his eye, and felt as if he was burning. She eventually left and he cursed himself even more.

Then appeared another woman who was even cuter!

“I should say hi,” he told himself. Yet, he stood like a statue and his body felt as if he was burning. “She is out of my league. She would never go for someone like me!” He never approached and the woman left.

Yet, another woman appeared more beautiful than the first two!

Somehow, he got himself to approach. “Hi!” he sputtered nervously. She was pleasant. He eventually asked for the number to which she said no. Even though he failed, he felt much better that he tried.

“Alas,” he said now realizing the error of his ways.

“Rejection is better than Regret”

“Remember,” said Pook. “Change is gradual. Before, you saw no opportunities. Now, you see them all about you, yet you are too hesitant to take them. You’re slowly becoming more aware.”

“What are you saying?”

“When you find yourself hesitant, always yield to Action. If you see her, do not wait, gawk or wait for a ‘perfect moment’. Action, action, action!”

“Pook, I cannot. You see... I am insecure. I don’t have that confidence!”

“You are confusing CAUSE and EFFECT. The CAUSE of your hesitant nature is not because of your insecurity. You have not gotten what you’ve wanted, what you’ve desired. THAT is the cause of your hesitant nature.”

“What?”

“You are caught in the vicious cycle. You are hesitant because you are not used for things going your way. And things will never go your way because you remain hesitant. You see what you want, become hesitant, and the door of opportunity closes. It happens again. And again. And again. With each choice towards Inaction, you reject yourself a little bit more.”

Pook continued. “This is where that cycle of hesitation leads. In your world of Hesitation, you shred off more and more of your manliness until you turn into a full-fledged Nice Guy. Then you seek to remove hesitation by making the approach risk free. Then you start giving gifts, poetry, flowers, and declarations of love. You start to examine and re-examine non-existent signals until they read the way you want them to read. In the end, you place her on the pedestal and throw yourself to her worship.

“If there is a choice between less pain or the possibility of more pain, we default to the less pain. In adolescence, going for a girl and failing made you think everyone else would laugh at you. Whether or not it was true, you thought it was true. This was how you were kept within the cycle.”

“But Pook! How do I get out?”

By realizing that the choice of Inaction is more painful than Action. Childhood is over. You are the MAN. You must approach. Always default to Action now. From those of us who wasted years in that hesitation mode know that Rejection is always better than Regret. Always.”

edit: i have no idea what 'flair' to put on this so chose rant.


[–]11-Eleven-11 211 points212 points  (23 children)

This morning I told myself I'm going to approach a girl for the first time today. Low and behold a hot girl fucking smiles at me and I did nothing. I was miserable the rest of the day. I needed this post. Thanks.

[–]420KUSHBUSH 54 points55 points  (6 children)

For every cold approach you don't go far, it's a missed plate, or at the very least a missed lay. Absorb this mentality and it will help

[–]11-Eleven-11 13 points14 points  (5 children)

See thats hard for me because my living situation makes it hard to get girls in bed. I agree though.

[–]rp_newdawn 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You didn’t necessarily miss that one... you missed the opportunity to further your development so that in the future you won’t miss

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You can always go to a motel. Honestly if she wants to bang you she won't care

[–]420KUSHBUSH 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Aye, same with me. In all honesty I try and imply/gear the meetup near her place and make sure it's free so her and I are free to get it hot and bothered

[–]11-Eleven-11 0 points1 point  (1 child)

How do you do that? Sounds like a lot of work and gymnastics.

[–]mcs007 20 points21 points  (5 children)

Man. This literally just happened to me at the bar. She definitely smiled, made eye contact, and even stood right in front of me (turned watching the basketball game) like everyone else there. She was wanting me to talk to her and made it as easy as possible to take the opportunity, but for some reason I never said anything. I'm extremely irritated at myself, but I'm beyond the point of "learning" the clues if a girl is into me based on certain actions. Not even taking the shot is worse than getting rejected bar none.

[–]1Inchado 13 points14 points  (4 children)

Used to be like that, here's how it changed for me:

Lift. Improve your SMV. Recognize your SMV improvement. Internalize TRP concepts. Recognize the man you are becoming and have become.

You'll look around and you'll see mostly skinny-fat passive males with no concept of how to make a girl wet. Realize your competition has chosen to spend their lives playing League of Legends and watching Netflix, while you've been lifting heavy ass weights, sweating your balls off in the gym, removing your addictions from your life, grinding hard through your academic or professional career, reading the words of great men and facing your fears. They have quit the game while you have become something not many do. You have become a man.

If you're not doing this, then you SHOULD be feeling internal resistance when making the decision to approach a woman. You know deep inside you're not worth having a girl. Your body knows it, your brain knows it, it's why it's signaling you that information. Don't approach her because you're not a man yet, it tells you, you're still a boy. What's special in a man whose past-year-achievements can be summed up to getting to Diamond elo and having watched Stranger Things?

Do this and next time a girl gives you IOIs you know you're capable of handling her. After all, she's just secretly a little slut that fools everyone else besides you. Mention something about the venue you're in. Whatever it is. She'll answer positively if she's been given you IOIs. Get to know her. Close. Done.

[–]mcs007 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Honestly, that's in the top 3 best pieces of advice I've read on this subreddit. And it literally is how I feel, but couldn't put it into words. Thanks man

[–]1Inchado 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you brother. Every post in this thread that's experiencing approach anxiety could have been written by my former self. For years, I didn't know how to solve it. I tried PUA for the longest time and found no real success. Occasionally, I'd get a make-out. Other times, just a number. Many times, fuck all. I felt like shit every time I approached a girl, even after all the successes and failures.

Truth is I wasn't worthy of what I was trying to do and I knew it. I didn't feel like a man. And these PUA instructors were telling me I just needed to pretend I was one and that my life was fucking great. But no matter how hard I tried to pretend I was that guy, women could easily tell through the facade I was putting that there was a bitch within. Sooner or later in the interaction, they'd see it.

And then I started lifting. Then I encountered TRP. I surrounded myself by the gods of Jocko Willink, Rollo Tomassi and GayLubeOil. And I can't properly express how seamless the transition was for me. I can't pinpoint you the day that I woke up without approach anxiety and the same day that I first internalized that I was a man.

I can only tell you there was a period where I built myself relentlessly. Day in, day out. And that before that period I was a boy. And that afterwards I was a man.

As a result, after that period my approach anxiety, among other things, was gone. All of it. Whenever I'd see a girl giving me IOIs, I smirked, thinking to myself I can tell what she's thinking. Applying TRP principles easily got me to get girls go crazy for me. It's stupid how dominant guy game works.

Believe in the process. It works.

[–]dream-hunter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best yet shortest advice I've read so far. Thank you.

[–]lonewolf1294 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this is one of those things that most of us here know on the inside but for someone else to put it into words and reinforce it is great too, thank you sir.

[–]markdumte 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Approach a 6. Get rejected anyway because 6 are out of their mind with social media attention, but you won't care as much.

Do it every day. Get used to rejection. The first approaches you'll be nervous and won't be able to enjoy. The more you approach, the more your emotional system will get use to rejection and the fear will be lost: just another rejection like the previous days, what's the big deal? . Suddenly, you'll find yourself calm when approaching and even having fun. You'll start to have a carefree and I just want to have fun attitude and suddenly girls will start to bel more receptive.

But it all starts by getting used to get rejected. And to get used to get rejected you have to get rejected again and again. Just get to it.

[–]Senior Endorsed Contributormax_peenor 5 points6 points  (0 children)

At least it is super clear what you have to fix, yes? To be so lucky. Don't squander it.

[–]Self-honest 3 points4 points  (4 children)

a hot girl smiles at me and I did nothing

Why?

[–]11-Eleven-11 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Years of bad social conditioning. And I'm a fucking moron sometimes.

[–]Self-honest 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I think it's important to have what you want at the front of your mind. Did you know what you wanted when you saw her? What was your thought process like?

[–]11-Eleven-11 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I went into panic mode as soon as she looked at me. Afterwards I realized I wanted to ask her out.

[–]Self-honest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gotcha. So you got excited. It's not panic mode. Be excited. Then go say hi. Make an observation. Ask a question. Get her laughing.

[–]Saberinbed 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I’ve never approached a girl and regretted it. Not once.

You know the best feeling in the world? Imagine a hot girl you see regurarly somewhere. At school, the gym, at work. Now imagine that voice in your head that gives you all the reasons to never approach them. You fantasize about how hot they are, and how amazing it would be to fuck them. It took me a month before i talked to this hot ass girl at the gym.

Guess what happened? One week later i was fucking her. That experience made me NEVER be heistant to approach ANY girl. That girl even had a boyfriend, and i still managed to fuck her.

This was about 3 months ago when i was a pussy. Now i have a rotation of 3 girls i’m regurarly fucking, because i approach anyone, anywhere.

[–]general-heartless 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Smack yourself in the head for that one. And approach the next time.

[–]wolfyflow 60 points61 points  (2 children)

I looked at some girls passing by the other day, they looked at me, and in a split second I went from a rationally oriented frame to feeling a ton of shit. I looked away, adding shame to the mix. Then a month of TRP kicked in unexpectedly: am I gonna let this shit slide/grow? Nah, I'm gonna stare these girls down just to see what happens.

I only had a split second to regroup, so I settled on one rational, concise mission: "doesn't matter if they're attracted to me, doesn't matter if my posture is right, I don't know shit about what they're thinking, all I want is to lock eyes and see what happens."

What about the ocean of insecurities that just hit me? "Well, they caught me off guard. Right now I'm mad at myself, let's see if I can hold onto that. Atleast I can remember my objective that way."

Cut to a fraction of a second later, I look at them again, settling on one girl. This time I'm focused on my mission, and my only emotion is a gentle breeze of anger. I'm working on myself, and interestingly that trumps my factory reaction to attention from random girls. My facial expression is undoubtedly reflecting that: disinterested, unmoving, maybe even slightly annoyed.

Somewhere in the background I remember a lifetime of assuming this kind of face/attitude must surely be a huge turnoff. That kinda fades naturally because we don't break eye contact, we pass eachother, and continue to look behind our backs at eachother as we pass. The girl I'm staring down starts fucking waving at me. What the fuck.

I went no further, "because I'm in a LTR," but if I'm honest with myself, it was my blue pill programming letting an opportunity to learn something walk away. I realize I probably should have kept riding that wave a bit longer. It's practice, that's what this month has been all about for me. If I can get a number, it doesn't mean I have to call. It does mean I'm healing old wounds. It gets a little ethically fuzzy, but maybe becoming a reasonably ethical man trumps being a hyper ethical boy.

Just wanted to share. Thanks for posting. Next step for me: get rejected by a girl I don't need to face the rejection I do need!

[–]rp_newdawn 7 points8 points  (0 children)

A man without a stick is not virtuous, he is weak. A man with a big stick who refrains from using it is the true virtuous warrior.

Talking to beautiful women is not ethically fuzzy. It is in your nature. Choosing not to fuck them when you are committed to another is a choice that should only be made if it is in line with YOUR moral code.

[–]boxxybebe 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Superb comment, beautiful ending

[–]theBreadSultan 33 points34 points  (2 children)

When you are old, the only things you will regret are the things you didn't do, not the things you did.

Doesn't just apply to women, live life

[–]TurdFerguson812 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've always loved this excerpt from Theodore Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena" speech, and I think it's applicable here:

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

[–]newls 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your mind will rationalise the things you did. It's very good at that.

[–]sunnygoel007 16 points17 points  (2 children)

I will tell you what scare a nice guy. When some girls posts that how all boys are creeps, want only sex and they follow them everywhere, don't have self-respect etc. When i read something like this, my mind goes back to blue pill mentality. It scares me, i say to myself that i don't want to look like a creep.

And honestly i have missed so many chances with girls i want to be with. In nice guy case only if a girl give any sign, then he can approach. We are not even talking about those girls who doesn't give any sign, and so they are always taken by a alpha.

[–]Heyitworks 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's only creepy if you make it creepy. That is, if you're unattractive, which usually boils down to not being confident or well-dressed enough.

[–]askmrcia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup same. Then I grew up and learned to not listen to what they but what they do.

[–]BurnoutRS 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Im gonna share with you a little trick I learned in elementary school drama class.

When I was about 12 years old I was performing a skit my friends and I had to put together for drama class. I was entering the stage (front of the class) for my part when I tripped and kinda ate shit.

Now Im going to pause for a brief moment to explain that this is a crucial point in time where the way that I act going forward will have a huge impact on how the audience perceives me. Both as an actor and fellow classmate.

1: If I were to cry from hurting myself, get embarassed for fucking up or show that I was self conscious in any way, the crowd would eat me alive. It's a sign of weakness, insecurity and oversensitivity. Which are all major turnoffs for most people.

2 I could get up, storm off stage and look like an idiot for blowing up over something so small.

3 I could request to restart the scene, which bores the crowd and makes them question my abilities as a performer.

So which option did I choose? Neither. I took the 4th option which was to exclaim "who put that there?" as I got up and follow it by sharply kicking an imaginary object of the way as I shouted "darn kids!"

When you are socializing you are performing. Your audience doesnt know the script, so as long as you dont break character they wont know when youre going off of it. I made my fuck up look like it was part of the show and the crowd loved it.

Personal detachment. Holy fuck I just realized how this ties into abundance mentality. If you approach a performance as all or nothing, then you put immense pressure on yourself because you feel like this is your only chance to get it right. If you resolve to try and try again then one shitty performance in a line of many others doesnt seem as significant.

[–]LuvBeer 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If you resolve to try and try again then one shitty performance in a line of many others doesnt seem as significant.

Haha sometimes I look back at my shitty pickup attempts and have a good laugh. Street pickup is a good training camp but it's not for everyone as a way to fuck girls.

[–]BurnoutRS 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have never come away from a cold approach feeling antyhing other than great. A lot of the time its a good story to tell my friends. Especially the fuckups. I approached this one chick in a record shop and just verbal diarrhea'd something about Kesha. She had this look of "oh god no!" that'll never cease to make me laugh

[–]420KUSHBUSH 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Done my first ever cold approach around a week ago with a girl that was giving me IOIs. I started off slightly nervous/tense and she had that "you're sex but you acting shy is so cute" and became more relaxed. Got the number and things are working way better than I figured they would

Then I realized success rate is 1 for 1 (so far). That may not seem like much but it helped put my "fear" of approaching at rest. Even if you lie to yourself, as long as it helps you man up it's worth it. It's all a matter of perspective

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]420KUSHBUSH 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Technically I got rejected before, twice, but I just blew it off

    [–]Reunn 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    For a frog in the well, the well is his world; for he believes what he perceives to be true. This is his belief, that there is nothing beyond the well, and no matter how hard you jump, or high you jump, you are still in the well. So he lives his life in the well, till he dies. If you tell yourself that you “cannot change things”, “I’m too old”, “It’s too late”, “I’ve tried everything but it’s still the same”, “I keep trying but it’s not getting better”, you have already put the barrier of limitation around you. If you believe these things, you are restricting yourself from moving forward. No matter how much information you gobble up to move forward, without the actual belief, you will not move very far. Forget what everyone else believes, what matters is what you believe.

    [–]TheWhiskeyTickler 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    If you think she's "out of your league", then she is. Not because her SMV is higher than yours, but because you effectively lowered yours by "looking up" at her. Consider it a shit test or pre-screening built into the system. Women want a strong man that isn't afraid of talking to women, and by not approaching, you're helping to sort yourself as a weak man for her. She doesn't have to reject you, you did that for her.

    Women are just people too. You shouldn't be intimidated because if she rejects you in a rude way that's embarrassing to you, she's a bitch and you wouldn't wanna be with her anyway. Most women will eat up the attention then tell you later that they "have a boyfriend".

    A lot of people give the red pill shit for misogyny, but I think it's a consequence of the anger phase. Guys put women on a pedestal, and they have to be knocked down a bit so that they bob back up to even with men. You'll rarely see a bitter woman hating redpiller once they have fully swallowed the pill.

    [–]MastodonMoney 11 points12 points  (4 children)

    Practice with ugly chicks first, always helps. Also, meeting girls via introduction by a friend/group of friends is easier and will make the interaction more natural. Just my 2 cents.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]MastodonMoney 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      I think you're placing your value in how they react to you. That's why it's important to build something out of yourself so you can be confident and a rejection wont even face you. Also, realize how insignificant women are overall.

      [–]JensenMse 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      That could help, but if you're good looking they might auto reject you coz you'll be way out of their league. Has happened to me more times than not.

      [–]rectoid 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Whether that actually was the reason or not, it does help adopting that mindset

      [–]SandmanNL 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I hope i will at a time internalize this in my life. Then again maybe the hoping/waiting for is the fear of action.... I don't know why i'm not active doing my goals.

      [–]parinda007 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Loads of love to you my man. I just had success with this

      [–]FirstNamesMusic 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      Ive been scared my whole life. Recently started approaching hotter and hotter women. Lo and behold I found out I was wayyyyyyyyyyy undercutting myself.

      Take the leap. Worst thing that can happen is she says no.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Right, the answer is always NO if you don't ask.

      I am just realizing at 50, that I have been undercutting myself my whole life. Raised by single mom and sister, I am learning (via the side bar) to unf**k myself.

      Edit: typo

      [–]FirstNamesMusic 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Dude that's great, at 50 you still have plenty of time. Keep at it brother.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yea, as a dude you can still scoop pretty young even at 50 lmao, my dads in his 50s and sleeps with early/mid 30yr olds.

      [–]joeR40 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Action is better than inaction so you don't feel guilty

      [–]Coroshi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I am just reading the book and it's a euphemism to say that the guy is a genius.

      [–]anabolic92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Reading so many responses here, I had an experience last weekend.

      Was at a club dancing, I saw those girls a few times looking around, but I did do nothing. Then all of a sudden my friend came and told me "Just approach them already, they want you to", still didn't do it.

      I realized I was lying to myself "Ahh they are looking all the time, if I approached I'm sure it'd go well" and kind of felt like a women, just seeking the validation. I, as a man(If i am one lol), have to approach and get over those fears but I get completely blocked.

      [–]Senor_Hyde 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Finally a good post on this forum, I don't know what is up with everyone being a little bitch lately need to man the fuck up,stop bitching about your pathetic life cause that will not fix the problem. Stay Stoic bros...

      [–]okcplshalp 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      I'm not sure how we've arrived at the conclusions that for every man inaction is more painful than action. Long term I personally remember rejections more clearly than women I just decided not to approach.

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Someone once said that 'Men are disturbed not by the things which happen, but by the opinions about the things.'

      Perhaps we should assign the same opinion to rejections we received (by taking action) as we have assigned to those we received when we did not decide to take any action (we forget about them).

      Meaning that a rejection should be seen as nothing. As when you try something new and fail, you learn, adapt, then try again, with the failure being as nothing but a progress towards the goal.

      [–]Meoxdide 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This is exactly what I told myself yesterday. I was walking past this cute girl at a table and wanted to talk to her but my legs kept moving for the exit. I was halfway across campus and realized I would be more angry at myself if I didn’t talk to her than if I did. So I walked all the way back to the dining hall and fortunately she was still there. I am happy to say that I’m proud of my action and would have otherwise been ashamed of my inaction. Even though she had a boyfriend I still had a great talk with her and it’s one step closer to becoming comfortable talking to strangers.

      [–]Irishminer93 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Or to put it simply: "fear is the mind killer"

      [–]Care_Asthma -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      How about don't ask these hoes out. At all. Solved.