Red Pill TheoryThe Hard Path to becoming a Man - How to get through Approach Anxiety (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by 1Inchado


This is a post that started off as a reply to a guy that was experiencing approach anxiety on asktrp.


One thing that a lot of new guys get wrong is that they believe that our advice to build your own SMV is only tied to the benefit that the higher SMV provides itself.

In other words, many newbies here believe that we only teach people to lift or study hard, when they'd rather jerk off to Mia Khalifa and watch LCS, so that women might be capable of recognizing their higher SMV upon seeing their muscles or their shiny new cars.

That's not the whole truth. We teach that also because it builds character.

A man without character is but a boy. The boy hasn't gone through enough suffering, he hasn't implemented discipline in his life, he hasn't faced enough of his own fears in life that he might call himself a man.

He is only a wanderer seeking mere short-term pleasures that give him the perpetually shortening satisfaction that he requires in order to delude himself constantly that his life has any meaning.

That is why a boy and a man experience different things when approaching a woman.

The solution:

Lift. Improve your SMV. Recognize your SMV improvement. Internalize TRP concepts. Recognize the man you are becoming and have become.

The result of all the decisions you've taken where you chose the hard path instead of the easy and pleasurable one is a man with not only higher SMV but, most importantly, with character.

Character is the foundation from which all other qualities arise. It's within character that good frame that we so much talk about here exists. It's within it that you find your mission. It's within it that you find abundance mentality.

The realization:

You'll look around and you'll see mostly skinny-fat passive males with no concept of how to make a girl wet.

Realize your competition has chosen to spend their lives playing League of Legends and watching Netflix, while you've been lifting heavy ass weights, sweating your balls off in the gym, removing your addictions from your life, grinding hard through your academic or professional career, reading the words of great men and facing your fears. They have quit the game while you have become something not many do. You have become a man.

If you're not doing this, then you SHOULD be feeling internal resistance when making the decision to approach a woman. You know deep inside you're not worthy of having that girl. Your body knows it, your brain knows it.

Don't approach her because you're not a man yet, they tell you, you're still a boy. What's special in a boy whose past-year-achievements can be summed up to getting to Diamond elo and having binge-watched Stranger Things?

Final thoughts:

Take the hard path and next time a girl gives you IOIs you know you're capable of handling her. What's a 125lb silly little girl to a 440lbs deadlift?

After all, she's just secretly a little slut that fools everyone else besides you. You know her secret. Rollo has taught you their fascination for dominant men, dr_warlock the emotions she wants to feel in the interaction and GayLubeOil the technique to slap that ass.

Mention something about the venue you're in. Whatever it is. She'll answer positively if she's been given you IOIs. Get to know her. Close. Done.

[–]BurnoutRS 125 points126 points  (11 children)

Ive been trying to think of a way to word this for a bit. I think I just came up with it.

If you spend all you time chasing pussy, you have no real substance in your life. You spend your time building a solid life, and you start developing those panty moistening qualities.

If you only chase pussy, what are you gonna talk to this girl about? The topic you know best is chasing pussy. Its not even the case that you need to be the best at anything either. This is the other end of the issue where guys are like "i wont get girls until im super ripped, have a mansion and ten cars"

The guys who have cool shit and get girls dont just get girls because they have cool shit. They have cool shit because a lot of the same qualities that allow you to succeed and have cool shit, are the same qualities that can help you attract women. Discipline, confidence, abundance mentality, drive, ambition, work ethic, more synonyms

[–]gstrong40 60 points61 points  (2 children)

Additionally, some guys get lots of cool shit, get married, lose all their cool shit - repeatedly! At 44, ripped, financially stable, don't drink or smoke, well read, great job... I have finally internalized that I want to be single for a very very long time, with several hot friends. I love my hobbies and do not want to check-in with anyone - EVER - Why? Anyway, love the page. My son just turned me on to it. I think I've lived most of my life TRP way, except the constant oneitis! Great Information - put in the work, it's well worth it! Body, Mind, Spirit!! Take Care

[–]vitamann 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Cheers my friend! I'm in my 40's, financially stable, don't drink or smoke, great job, as well. I walk into places like I'm about to teach a lesson. I tend to veer to oneitis, the only cure is to keep multiple spins at a time.

[–]gstrong40 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Freedom my friend! Cheers!

[–]pocket_rocketsin- 33 points34 points  (3 children)

This is so overrated. I’ve noticed women in general only want to talk about themselves and have no real interest in you or anything you say. Just give them a platform to talk their bullshit, and you’ll be smashing soon enough

[–]sorry_mommy 16 points17 points  (1 child)

You're basically right. The way to talk to women is emotionally. It doesn't matter if you're telling her about your 6-month trip to 27 different non-bordering countries, or you're telling her about how you bought a hat last night. If you talk to her using the same passion and emotion in your storytelling, that's all that matters. Now certainly it's a lot easier to speak with passion about that cool trip you took where you had mind-blowing life experiences than it is to talk about your hat, but this is a learnable skill. This is especially something to keep in mind if you're talking about your job or education, this is something that will come up in every single first date you'll ever be on in your life. If you can describe your job with passion, why you enjoy it, why you got into it, a touching story about what it really means to you, then she will be attracted to your passion. It's simple.

[–]FinallyRed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah you really don't need to have anything interesting to talk about to hook a girl. You can have a playful, basically content free conversation and the more you chase the more you'll know about the inane topics women are interested in anyway. You won't develop any of the relevant skills or knowledge starting a business or participating in a philosophy club.

[–]life_is_dumb 3 points4 points  (2 children)

what are you gonna talk to this girl about?

Certainly not the things you're implying (mission, goals, philosophy, character building experiences).

[–]BurnoutRS 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Care to give me some examples?

[–]daffy_duck233 0 points1 point  (0 children)

certainly not jean paul sartre's Existentialism lecture

[–]TrumpleStiltskon 59 points60 points  (9 children)

I'm new on TRP scene. About a week or two. I've been dragging ass the last 3 years addicted to pot, porn, ADD medication, you name it. I'm finally breaking through that. No more porn, no more pot, no more medication, back to hitting the weights, back to my career, back to increasing my SMV. Approach is my next, and most daunting, obstacle. Rejection is my biggest fear but I'm gonna steamroll through that shit. This post couldn't have come at a more perfect time. It really hit home, thank you.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat 51 points52 points  (6 children)

If you're just starting, it's common to start with "monk mode". Aka, leave the social aside for the moment. Get your own life back on track and your SMV back up on the rise as you said. Then after a few months and all of this is on auto-pilot, increase the Game part of your SMV.

[–]TrumpleStiltskon 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Thanks for the reply. I will take this into consideration when approaching my game. Will give it a little bit of time to build these habits and start with some low risk approaches.

[–]MagistriVerborum 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You should just approach and get rejected. The worst possible outcome when you approach a girl is that she says no. Same end result as not approaching, just that you will feel some sort of accomplishment for growing the balls to talk to her. Just do it.

[–]TrumpleStiltskon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are 100% correct. Scary shit but needs to be done. Needs to be.

[–]salsamasterer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

That doesn't sound like good advice to me. If you are struggling socially, why put it off until your msg is high enough? Start working on it now so when your smv is higher you can benefit from it

[–]TrumpleStiltskon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m thinking I focus on myself mostly, do monk mode... but make low risk approaches as they come up, when I’m doing things I already want to do. I’m not going to walk up to a random table where a chick is eating lunch by herself and try to pick her up... but if I’m putting my shoes on after a yoga class right next to a cute chick I’ll say something to her.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I suggest minimum 6-month monk mode, as Auvergnat said.

Start with straight lifting and died. Stay dedicated and never miss a beat. Downtime should include reading. Then add in hobbies that you have (healthy ones, sports, hiking, skiiing, instruments, language, etc...) to become a more interesting and accomplished man. Get into a rhythm with all of this in your life and appreciate how the hard work and routine builds your character.

Truly take the time to reset and change your life. The women will come, but this is about you and who you want to be.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (7 children)

I also believe that approach anxiety is greatly reduced with age.

I used to have crippling social anxiety throughout high school and my first years of college. I've changed very little in my routine in the past 5 years (lifting 4-5 times a week, diet, reading, etc.) however my social anxiety has all but disappeared now that I'm nearing 24.

The more time you spend alive, growing as a person, the less things you fear in life.

[–]ZigzagLumen 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m approaching 24 and whilst my social anxieties have gotten a lot better than a few years ago (also with thanks to therapy) approaching still seems so far away

Still working on improving myself though, and not getting caught up with making women my sole goal/drive

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn. I'm 28 now and I feel like my AA spiked in recent years, especially after my last LTR where I got burned pretty bad 5 years ago. I used to NGAF in my early 20s about approaching women but now I'm pretty reluctant to it. Especially with the males=bad feminism culture happening.

I've also faced many fears and been through trials in life. I've worked very hard to be where I am right now. I just don't know how to overcome AA.. Sometimes I wonder if it's mostly rooted in the fact that I just find most people I meet totally uninteresting these days. I can only take so much conversation on tv shows, "drumpf", and other pleb topics.

[–]Cozc 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Just past 27 and my anxiety is way worse than it was in highschool, hell its a damn good day if im not exhausted just from having to grab milk at the grocery store. When I was younger I could just smoke pot with people and then maybe after a few months I would be comfortable around them to stop sperging out 24/7, now the pot doesn't work anymore and I pucker up around people ive known for years.

Either of you guys have any real strategy in dealing with it or did it just kinda go away?

[–]savoysprouts 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Hey bud, a few questions, do you run and do high intensity exercise regularly; at least 3 times a week?

What’s your diet like? Reducing your sugar in take will help in reducing and regulating anxiety.

Make sure your getting enough healthy fatty acids for your brain to produce enough Serotonin etc

It will never go away unless you work at it. Some of it will be situationally triggered from past behaviour and experience. Some of it may be due to poor self esteem.

Quit smoking pot. It’s a depressant and ruins your biochemistry in your brain. Only use it when your feeling like enjoying your self. It shouldn’t be used as an escape mechanism from feeling uncomfortable or unease.

Anxiety is highly treatable, at least from my learned personal experiences, although I’d start with a few google searches into practical ways to reduce anxiety. Diet, exercise, some comedy is a good way to stop being so serious.

The good news is a little bit of work will take you a long way out of your anxiety. IF you put in the work, you’ll wish you did it sooner because life is in effect quite fun when you aren’t facing a fight or flee response going to buy milk everyday!

[–]Cozc 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is going to get long cause i just combined the responses I was making to both of you who responded

I have been neglecting my exercise lately tbh, but ive been through years of heavy exercise and it never really helped the anxiety. Legit built my own gym in the garage at one point because if i went to the real gym seeing all the people there would be twice as exhausting as the actual exercise lmao.

Ive also seen therapists for the majority of my life, and every one of them was convinced "exposure therapy" is the end all be all treatment. I can logic in my mind all day about how i dont actually give a fk what people think and it doesnt matter if I make a fool of myself or not, but I cant consciously stop myself from sweating through 3 t shirts cause i know theres going to be a small crowd at the movie I want to see

Im doing better with the sugar than i used to. Stopped drinking dr pepper and lost like 15lbs in a month, I could take it a step further and try to do a paleo type diet. I doubt I would ever get tired of eating meat and cooked veggies

Stopping smoking pot has been a serious issue for me ever since i started. I can put it down if i need to for like a job, went 3 years without it when i was on probation and its not like quitting opiates or anything. I would however be lying if I said my self loathing didn't turn up to fking 11 when im not smoking pot. I normally hate myself, cant think of a single thing good about me, not a single ability I have that some random shmuck couldn't learn in a day or two of google searches, etc. This becomes all consuming when I am unable to smoke pot and I fear it will be an issue my entire life. Edit: I forgot to include that atm I am sober, in case my job search brings me to some place that would like to test me.

I also cant take benzos or anti depressants. Benzos make me slur and start fights, and anti depressants make me feel like I took a handful of shitty e tablets and I seriously hate the feeling of uppers.

Im sure a significant portion of it is due to the circumstance in my life at the moment. Ive never had a friend or relationship that wasn't just using me from the start (Im stupidly gullible and kind to a fault), I wasted a large portion of my life getting high with my ex wife, I have a record that makes it impossible to find a job without pulling strings; the one I have now my father got for me at a lumber yard, Ive gone to school for computers and electrical but because of how shit my record looks ill almost definitely be stuck doing labor for 10$/hr. I lack most standard possessions that people my age have and I am the sole care taker for my elderly grandparent which keeps me locked to a specific living arrangement .

I could go on but I really dont want to sound like Im bitching, my point is just that I do see all the shit in my life that is contributing to my anxiety at the moment (and fully acknowledge that it is entirely my own fault), even if the anxiety was there before I was able to deal with it better. For the time being I work a physical job I hate and am still broke the point of requiring familial assistance, kind of waiting for an opportunity to change things.

[–]savoysprouts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, so it sounds like your quite healthy and fit which is a huge plus.

I’d start with acknowledging that most of this isn’t entirely your fault. Your body is reacting to external stimuli subconsciously regardless of what your consciously thinking. It’s essentially out of your control. If you can try and let your body do what it needs to do and try not to fight it.

Letting go and try and go with whatever emotional state your in and try and really feel what’s happening as opposed to trying to oppress the feeling. Try and be in the moment as much as possible. Hopefully, the more you enter the moment you’ll notice minuscule triggers that are occurring. Usually they are so unnoticeable because we are preoccupied with our own subvocal voices preempting what’s about to happen.

It’s a blessing in disguise by not being able to take anti depressants.

There’s two things I would try and introduce. One would be really safe and simple activities you can do.

Only biting off as much as you can handle without sending yourself into a pit of despair. The more positive experiences you can get under your belt when outdoors will give you more confidence as you escalate social scenarios.

What do you think is a social setting that is on the threshold of your comfort zone where you wouldn’t induce an anxiety attack? Mine would be to run around a lake or park where there would be other people. as you slowly gain confidence you could go to busier areas. You could apply this to any social scenario. The trick in your bag is you’d want to have an activity that your doing to distract you from you being conscious of your anxiety. Something you enjoy and can focus on.

I’ve slowly escalated this process slowly over the years where I would have no problem going out lone wolf to pickup ladies and enjoy myself. I’ve been there man.

Another thing I’d mention is all that anxious energy when tamed and can be focused and transmuted is a potent ally.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my opinion social anxiety will naturally be the worst in your life between the ages of 14-18. If it's getting worse after that point there must be an underlying issue you need to address. Usually that underlying issue is some sort of addiction.

Either of you guys have any real strategy in dealing with it or did it just kinda go away?

I basically lived the red pilled lifestyle, lifting & reading, from age 17 to present and my level of social anxiety stayed relatively low but it was constant. I'm nearing 24 now and waking up most days with an extremely low level of giving a fuck & non-existent social anxiety. It's something that just kind of happened to me which I attribute to age because I changed virtually nothing else in the past 5 years.

[–]1TheProphetPhysiquiel 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Good post. It's one thing to truly internalize that you're a man whom women would be lucky to deserve, but that's a frame that takes years to develop.

The only way to quickly, and effectively, conquer approach anxiety is to suck it up and do it a thousand times. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but then, nothing on TRP is what you want to hear.

[–]biglaughingcock 45 points46 points  (11 children)

kids who have anxiety - don't waste your goddamn time reading a post titled "how to get over anxiety" because it is only gonna give you more anxiety. you aren't gonna be able to double your deadlift for at least a year, so unless you plan on limiting yourself to approaching once you've become an advanced lifter, don't waste your time. the way to getting over any type of anxiety is to stop giving a flipping fuck. a man who gives no fucks about himself is a dangerous man, a man who gives no fucks about anyone else around him is a confident man.

[–]1Inchado[S] 56 points57 points  (10 children)

You're speaking to a guy whose mouth used to dry up completely whenever he had to speak to an audience.

A guy who used to sleep around 2 hours the night before, due to how anxious he was about the 5 minute lecture he'd have to give in the next day to an audience of 20 of his classmates.

A guy who planned out in his head all the possibilities of a 5 minute meetup with his oneitis in the following week all so that he could choke in the moment he met her due to how much he was shaking.

I know anxiety better than you know yourself. And I beat that bitch.

[–]showerdudes9 1 points1 points [recovered]

How did you beat anxiety of speaking to audience? I have my fight/flight mode kick in at those times really badly

[–]redfoxsnow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I had panic attack when I was making presentation in school or any public speaking. For me, I got better at it by first training in front of a mirror to be more confident in myself. Then the next step was to understand that when I spoke to a public, it wasn't only for them but also for me. There was something to gain that I understood when a professor asked group to send someone to speak up after every session. I went at first because I was confident on my training. But in the next sessions, nobody else would go and the revelation was when the professor said that it was to improve ourselves. And it is, I got positive feedback from classmate for making myself vulnerable and doing it. Then as I did more and more, it became less and less scary. The stress is still there, but it is now controlled and that's how I overcame my fear of public speaking.

You'll see the links to vulnerability and neediness concepts from Model in my experience. Now I don't have any issue with public speaking anxiety but I still have issue with AA and I'm applying the same TRP ideas to get better at it :)

[–]EcHoFiiVe 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is just me, but usually if I have a big crowd or audience I'll constantly make eye contact with different people around the whole audience. But you really gotta know what you're saying, because if you don't and you start messing up your wording/speech due to being nervous, it'll bleed thru into your outside appearance. I'll try to talk to the crowd like I've just met a new person for the first time. If im not making sense let me know and I'll try to explain more

[–]showerdudes9 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This only works if you dont have the fight/flight anxiety already kicked in before you start speaking but yes i understand the concept. If i were able to stay as calm as to do that id definitely go for it

[–]greenlittleman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know a guy who lifted from 15 years. Now at 24 he is one of top workouters in Russia and still he have terrible anxiety with the girls, most likely still virgin.

You can't claim to "beat approach anxiety" if you just can sometimes approach girls who gives you IOIs. Only if you can approach any girl whenever you want then you can be considered as "guy who beat AA".

I don't feel anything physical before approach, my heartbeat rate doesn't changes at all, but I still have my limitations and can't claim I completely get through it. And my changes are 90% based on mindset, there is no direct correlation between AA and lifting or your success in life.

[–]DamnDirtyApe87 5 points6 points  (2 children)

So simply lift is your answer? I disagree, approaching is a skill and it takes time and effort to learn. To each his own but what worked for me was simply going out a lot and doing it.

I approached over a hundred women in a couple of months, got shot down a lot and fucked it up myself plenty of times. Meditate, reflect, where did I go wrong, try again, repeat. Fake it till you make it, eventually I calibrated myself and I don't need to think about it anymore. It comes naturally, like driving a bike.

Of course you need to workout, get hobbies and read the sidebar and such. But with zero experience, you need not only understand your enemy ( which the pill is for ) you also need to train in fighting.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

How many lays out of those approaches? Just curious. I’ve been approaching a lot more lately but the approach to lay ratio is really low

[–]DamnDirtyApe87 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Not that many tbh, doesn't everybody suck when they first start out with something? Granted it was before I found trp using some tips from the seduction reddit. I wanted to understand women, how they think in order to figure out why I wasn't successful. I don't remember how but I found trp, read everything I could ( the rational male is a must read ) and it finally clicked.

Once you get better at the game, understand women, take them off the pedestal and have gotten some plates it's different. But if you're just starting out like I did, absolutely clueless, yes you need to practice. Working out is great, but to say it gets rid of approach anxiety alone is stretch imo.

[–]Sly21C 7 points8 points  (3 children)

I'm 33 years old, and the only way I can approach a woman is via a dating site. It's ridiculous. The other way I can approach a woman is if she is a friend first, and then ask her out. That never worked before I have already been friend zoned. I have never approached a woman I've never met before, to ask her out. I think I might be able to do that if I have more money.

[–]50red 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There's no substitute to approaching a woman in real life.

Make that your mission.

Now, you need a strategy. Dating sites is definitely not it. Think meet ups, Sunday church, volunteering. Basically, something that brings likeminded people together in the same room. Once you're in that room, you're already halfway there. The other half? "So, what brings you here?" Don't overthink it, don't overplan it. Just know that during the first break you're going to ask the nearest woman "so, what brings you here?"

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You’re being honest kudos to you

[–]Oscar_Cc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, on your defense I would say that it is not easy. In bars you can not properly talk, at work it is not advisable... Check Blackdragon on online dating:


And the guys who do daygame, as ballsy as it is, also do need some financial stability to be able to have such a lifestyle.

[–]reddzeppelin 4 points5 points  (5 children)

I mean yes technically men approach women and mate with them, but, there's nothing positive about defining yourself by how well they validate you.

[–]white_girl_lover -4 points-3 points  (4 children)

Careful sharing your independent opinions here. These guys get mad easily here

[–]reddzeppelin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love white girls too but it's offensive for me to say that, as a white man.

[–]reddzeppelin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love white girls too but it's offensive for me to say that, as a white man.

[–]reddzeppelin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love white girls too but it's offensive for me to say that, as a white man.

[–]Pilliam66 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Pretty sure the red pill is a much more "independent" than popular beliefs

[–]lifeisledzep 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agreed. If there's anything to add, by becoming the man who's undergone that "suffering", you'll become more desirable to women. You may not feel like you're doing anything different, but they can tell

[–]Flying_Wingback 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The crazy thing is once you start you really don't see any other way to live. That lifestyle becomes you.

"If you're not doing this, then you SHOULD be feeling internal resistance when making the decision to approach a woman. You know deep inside you're not worthy of having that girl. Your body knows it, your brain knows it.

Don't approach her because you're not a man yet, they tell you, you're still a boy. What's special in a boy whose past-year-achievements can be summed up to getting to Diamond elo and having binge-watched Stranger Things?"

Words of wisdom here

[–]Starfuckingman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh shit, now I have to quit league.

[–]MrDiece 1 point2 points  (1 child)

People care way too much about lifting here...

It's like it's a cop-out for game.

Just because you lift, doesn't mean you will magically have game.

The truth of the matter is game is something that takes a lot of action to get good at. There's no other way around this.

[–]OfficerWade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s no other way around lifting either, that’s why you go to the gym.

[–]OfficerWade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My initial onset when I felt approach anxiety was exactly what you posted. It’s just a game. I’m trying to remind myself to have fun and PLAY the game but I regret to inform you all, I’m a rebel. I’m still the same dude in the gym as I am outside the gym and I don’t think that’s gonna change. When I see hot girls in the gym obviously the code is “Don’t shit where you eat” but say the food market is free-game. So when a girl was giving me IOIs at the frozen food section, I saw the roadmap. Fight, freeze, run away. Now that’s really the only choice, I don’t wanna make one... Seeing the matrix for what it is doesn’t make it any easier for me.

[–]Vicimin10 -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

Respectfully, I absolutely disagree with the op. He makes a point that "accomplish something first, approach later", but without proper experience in approaching you will fail no matter who you are or how much you lift. Also, just like many other bros around here, you put too much emphasis on lifting. Lifting is a plus, but it's not that essential

[–]dandy123456 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Lifting is the foundation of TRP. Get outta here.

[–]white_girl_lover -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Simply put, just treat yourself like you would a good friend or family member you love and care about. Then you'll more effectively tackle the things you want to pursue.

Also, for the horny autists and aspies, dont take my words too literally.