The greatest power you have is emotional control. Only you, yourself, matter, ultimately. (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by UroPV

When do you feel guilt, sadness, and regret on a daily basis?

If you're like me, it's when you lash out or lose your control and agency. If you go off on someone, or put them in their place, you ultimately feel worse later than you would've if you'd have just let them be miserable.

I am changing jobs. Most are supportive. One coworker is not, and has called me out more than once for being a "quitter."

When he does, I remain calm, but say firmly, "I don't appreciate you saying that." I leave it at that. It's enough of a call out, and it's what a man would do. There is no fight. There is no shouting match. It's a simple statement of fact, and to rage against it embarrasses him and makes him lose the fight.

Option two would be to call him out, make him feel small, and start a fight. Insult him, and he feels justified in saying I can't hack it where I am. Quibble or take revenge, and he feels better knowing HE is stronger than I am. I take away the satisfaction, and ultimately and more well liked by being the cool customer, who commands respect, than demands it.

Demanding respect is asking for it. Commanding it is having others give it willingly by being better.

Think of a time when you lost your cool. Was it worth it? Did it help?

Did texting that girl a long entreaty about why she should stay with you work in the end? Did giving up your dignity make her respect you more? Did you salvage the situation and get laid?

Did lashing out at your coworker or challenging some asshole to a fight help the situation? Did the crowd go wild after you showed you are a slave to anger, and not happy with yourself to the point where some other loser is in control of your emotions?

When's the last time you convinced someone to go on a date or sleep with you? When's the last time losing your collective shit helped you win a girl's true affection, rather than her pity or derision?

I'll tell you this. The last time I held my shit together in the face of an asshole superior treating me like shit, that person's superior made fun of her to me in private after seeing it happen. It didn't faze me, and he saw that I was the one in control, and my superior was in fact the lesser one.

Get your shit together. Control your fucking self. Don't celebrate your successes to anyone except yourself and your close confidants. Your OWN validation should be enough.

Let's be honest, what's the best you've ever felt in your life when you accomplished something?

Was it when someone else congratulated you? Or was it when you felt like congratulating yourself, knowing you had made your best effort and gotten the best possible outcome?

Only you matter, period. It's not a selfish thing. You have to live in your own mind, and no one else gets to. If you are happy in there, then you're happy. The end. No debate. Make yourself happy, truly. Do whatever it takes. Fucking introspect and figure it out.

Trust me on this one.

[–]iknowthewhey 29 points30 points  (4 children)

Good post. Emotional control is key to finding success in life. If you let other people constantly get in your head and control your emotions then you have no frame. Meditation has been the priority for myself in gaining a more complete emotional control.

[–]Fosoe 1 point2 points  (3 children)

What do you do to meditate?

[–]sd4c 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Try forcing yourself to sit still for 10 minutes. Only allowed to breathe, and blink. No looking around, checking the time until you're sure, scratching an itch, or adjusting your posture. Just sit.

[–]iknowthewhey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started small. At first just three minutes a day. I close my eyes and just observe my breath. The sound and the feeling of breathing. I have found that not using a timer and just meditating for as long as you feel like it is the best way to go. Now I do 5-15 min sessions in morning and at night. I don't time and just stop when I feel like it. It is a hard habit to develop so I recommend starting really small and working your way up. Everyday 2-3 minutes a day is better than 15 min one day and then not meditated for next week.

[–]vitamann 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Butting in, I love meditation and it works. I started using an app called Headspace. The first 10 sessions are free, just keep repeating those 10 free sessions forever. They work.

[–]tteabag2591 31 points32 points  (13 children)

I wouldn't even bother telling people you "don't appreciate". That actually means their opinion bothers you. I usually just say "okay" sarcastically or amusingly and leave it at that. Sometimes I'll even just walk away mid conversation. They get the point eventually.

[–]1angrydad 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I use "Fair enough" It's neutral without seeming weak, and tough to rebut. Takes the fight right out of them just about every time.

[–]tteabag2591 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's a good one. I've used it before.

[–]danoranika 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Me too. Stole it from Patrice O'Neal

[–]TheRealJesusChristus 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Walking away can seem like the reaction of „a three year old“ (the exact answer I provoke about 50% of times I just walk away).

Just say „Okay, sorry I have to do X or Y Im right back“ or something before leaving. You dont have to be right back

[–]1empatheticapathetic 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Who cares what it looks like.

[–]TheRealJesusChristus 0 points1 point  (2 children)

If it looks like youre losing frame it doesnt matter if you dont. So you should care what it looks like. And pretend you dont care what it looks like.

[–]1empatheticapathetic 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Walking away is the antithesis of losing frame.

Explaining you got upset either via words or body language is losing frame.

[–]TheRealJesusChristus -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I dont explain shit. I just say im going to do smth and then go. So it doesnt fit into the 3yo picture.

[–]UroPV 1 points1 points [recovered]

Posted below. Sometimes a situation will demand a reaction. It's hard to ignore a child entirely if quiet is necessary in the moment to carry on a conversation, for example. However, the tone and delivery of a chastising statement makes all the difference. A simple and firm, "you need to be quiet, now" is more effective than a threat or raising ones voice or making a scene by removing the child, to me at least.

[–]tteabag2591 2 points3 points  (2 children)

A threat is different than an admission of being bothered over what someone said. When you say you don't appreciate what they said that means it had some influence on you. As if you expected them to say something approving.

[–]UroPV 1 points1 points [recovered]

That's a reasonable point, though I would think there's value in setting a boundary of what is and is not acceptable behavior towards you, especially in a workplace. There's something to be said for the line from south park I'll paraphrase. "Just because you tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve (or in this case, essentially condone by doing nothing) of it. Tolerate means you're putting up with it. You tolerate a cold or a baby crying on a plane, but it can still piss you off."

A better response may have been "I would appreciate you not interrupting my conversation here." And then later asking the guy why he felt necessary to say that, to try and change behavior or win him over if possible, which has a lot of value in the workplace.

[–]tteabag2591 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right. I'm not saying don't hold frame but do it using as little words as necessary. Too many words makes it look like you think about it too much or are trying too hard. You don't have to give away what you appreciate. That's unnecessary information.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

His response is actually really good because anyone paying witness to the situation realizes the person chastising him is a fucking asshole for doing so. OP is then publicly acknowledging the person being an asshole in the most polite way possible, without being confrontational or allowing room for any response to continue said interaction.

[–]uzi0096 38 points39 points  (11 children)

There are some useful ideas in the post but they're about to get lost in your rant. The way you wrote it gives away how you "got your emotions in control".

[–]UroPV 1 points1 points [recovered]

You learn through practice and failure to maintain. An internal conflict is just fine if you externally don't lose it. I'm certainly guilty still sometimes of letting my emotions get the best of me, but every time I keep it together I feel that rush of endorphins for having done so, rather than the embarrassment that comes later after foolishly indulging the emotion in the moment.

[–]nigmondo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's a guy in my work place who likes to be quite vocal in his criticism. My retort to him... 'Thanks for your opinion, but your opinion is completely irrelevant to me'. Does the trick

[–]uzi0096 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's what I meant by "useful ideas". You're on a right path, just haven't arrived to your destination yet. Good luck!)

[–]___heisenberg 3 points4 points  (1 child)

this is the intro. you gotta do the heavy liftin

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It was arm and chest day today. I probably couldn’t lift heavy right now.

[–]destraht 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I'm not a subscriber of the prevailing theory that a few superfluous words means that you are losing your shit. Words !== Angry. You read it in your own voice.

[–]uzi0096 0 points1 point  (3 children)

If you haven't noticed, his way of telling the story and words are generously spiced with emotions. I hope there's no need to quote.

[–]UroPV 1 points1 points [recovered]

I do think that writing emotions down rather than expressing them outwardly is a healthy and practical way of handling them. Do you agree with that statement? I'm thinking in the mold of something like writing a letter and not sending it, ala Abraham Lincoln. Emotions are a natural thing and hard to prevent entirely, but dealing privately with them is growth to me.

[–]destraht 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He wasn't writing about being a terminator robot or turning off the emotion chip but about not losing your shit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fake it till you make it is the slogan of this subreddit.

[–]Mr_Get_Right 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It can also be useful to set your ego aside and be one with everything. Whatever entity that you're interacting with came from the same set of consequences that generated this whole world. They may be different, but ultimately their difference is only there so one can mirror, reflect, and contemplate it to know one's own self. You are not an isolated, alien creature lost in time. You're here, everything is here, to explore. To try to "understand" would only be viable if we weren't on the edge of creation, melting into the next iteration.

[–]1redHussar 6 points7 points  (7 children)

This is example of "this is what i should do but im not doing (yet)".

F.e. somebody calls you quitter ? Smirk and walk away. Dont lose time on this moron. Telling "i dont appriciate ..." sounds a little bit autistic.

[–]UroPV 1 points1 points [recovered]

These are good takes on the value of non reaction. In the situation in question the guy was attempting to interrupt me as I spoke to someone else, so a reaction was warranted as it was disrupting our conversation. Agree that if it's isolated or just a simple call out, might as well ignore it.

[–]1redHussar 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Why are you explaining yourself ? You dont owe me or anybody an explanation. Just do what you need to do. It seems that you want to "be right". There arent any special points for that.

[–]UroPV 1 points1 points [recovered]

Just wanting to have a discussion. Explanations help you see where I come from and help me learn your perspective and incorporate it. It is a forum, after all ;)

[–]Giantcandle 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He has a point.

You explaining it to him makes you buthurt, even more so if you were mid conversation.

It shouldn't offend you what that guy says or thinks, you are not even real friends.

You should be in position to just laugh it off and not take it personally.

Peace out, brother.

[–]midnight_metro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A world where no one has to answer to anyone and civil discussion can't be had about the nature of peoples' actions is a world of sociopaths, and you strike me as one.

[–]TheIncendiary97 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Needed this right now. Brilliant post. Thank you.

[–]U-94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Never lose your cool. You can never get it back.

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great post. I liked the part about "commanding respect" by being better, versus "demanding respect."

[–]mrHappyPotatoe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Again this best quote from movie great lebowski. "Its just your opinion". Whenever someone challenged lebowski. Best comeback imo.

[–]patriargate -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

That is a very good and pragmatic point. Yet, i would complement that a man knows when to fight and when not to fight. Not all battles have to be won to win the war. A wise man selects his battle very rationally. Look at Trump. He does fight, but not all the time. Sometimes a small word is enough, sometimes a threat is necessary. Sometimes firing is necessary. Thanks for your post, much appreciated!

[–]Mr_KenSpeckle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Trump?! Wise? Rational? Emotional control? Picks his battles? Good grief. The man has emotional diarrhea.

[–]thetotalpackage7 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Watch Don Draper eviscerate a co-worker while maintaining frame. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlOSdRMSG_k

[–]klepperx -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Actually science confirms thoughts come first, then emotions, so you can't (and shouldn't) try to control your emotions. Because those are just indicators. of your thoughts. Saying "control your gas gauge" is stupid, you can't, it's just a helpful indicator of the contents of your tank. Just like your emotions are indicators of the contents of your head.