Just finished talking about good old times with 2 solid bros. On the ride back to drop me off, they told me they found out that I quit my job recently. What they didn't know was why.
I've been hugely depressed over lots of shit for about 2 years now. I haven't reached out because I feel a problem shared is a problem doubled. My mates have done plenty of shit for me in the past, and I didn't want to burden them. Everybody has their own shit to deal with.
They slowly peeled the truth off me. I feel like an attention whoring bitch for telling them, because if I didn't want to tell them, I wouldn't have told them right?
I was holding it tight for a while. We discussed my problems with a slight philosophical edge. Nihilism and other shit was brought up. They kept giving me bits of advice and support. I was, and am grateful.
Then just as I was about to get out the car, one of them said to me;
"Before you go, you better know nothing you tell us is a burden to us mate. We're your buds and we don;t want you bottling this shit up inside, and we're always here for you."
That did it for me.
I did that weird thing you do when you sob, where you jut your jaw out in a frown and breathe out your nose real fast in short sharp bursts.
He then put his hand out like Arney and the guy who plays Dylan in predator, and we clasped. I finished up my quick sob, and got out of the car saying "Cheers lads"
And now I feel when I see them, the character who they thought I was, the person I portray myself as in front of them, this out going, charismatic guy who shoots the shit with everyone and always has good laughs and gives harsh funny banter, is fucking dead, and now I am destined to be forever seen as "Some guy who can;t keep his shit together". And it fucking kills me.
I want to know how I can change my mindset to not think of myself as a little bitch about this whole thing.