Let me make some other beginners feel better about themselves.
Fast background: almost 32, swallowed pill last fall, started lifting/exercising five days a week, eating better, limited porn usage, gradually learning how to dress. I've read the sidebars and the suggested reading material (NMMNG, Rational Male, Models, Pook, Bang, My Secret Garden, Pimp). I have two jobs, know my mission, cultivate healthy male friendships and maintain hobbies.
I have my shit together in every aspect of my life except women. I have no plates, no prospects for plates. My game is nonexistent and talking to strangers, especially ones I want to fuck, makes me freeze up and sends my hamster into overdrive. I haven't had any sex that wasn't paid for in some way for the past three years. I didn't lose my virginity until 22. While I've managed to keep my libido from starving one way or another, I've only had one serious relationship in my whole life and it lasted less than 3 years. Even with my square life intact, I am a loser when it comes to sex by anyone's determination.
Last Saturday I went to a writing convention. Becoming an author is a huge part of my mission. I bought a ticket and spent an extra 60 bucks on two 10 minute pitch opportunities with agents.
The convention quickly revealed itself as a bunch of low to mid level industry professionals hustling a bunch of wannabes. Whatever, fine. Not surprising. That's what most industry conventions are. I attended several classes and stayed the whole day and learned a few new things.
But, to my great surprise, there were more attractive women there than I’d ever imagined. I saw at least four or five bangable girls within the first ten minutes of being there-- all 7's and above.
I did not talk to one of them. Not one. Not even an attempted opener. Nothing.
I had one of those days where I saw many opportunities to open and approach, but only in the seconds after they'd passed. Again and again, these moments piled up over the 8 hours I was there. It was infuriating.
I don't have any game to speak of, but I didn't even try. I was scared-- scared they'd loudly reject me, scared I'd get AMOG'd, scared I'd be forced to leave and waste the money I'd spent on the ticket, scared I'd turn myself into "that guy".
Both my pitches went badly, and the second one went absolutely terribly. It was with a young, married HB 7, noticeably sexy in a nerdy sort of way. She worked for one of the more alpha male agents. I completely bombed with her. I could see it in her eyes as I walked up-- her contempt for me was palpable before I'd even opened my mouth. So not only was I forced to starkly confront what a rank amateur I am when it comes to the business, I was forced to examine my failure on a male/female level as well.
I ate lunch by myself. Like fucking high school. I did not meet anyone new. I was in a bad mood almost from the first seminar, cursing myself for not having the balls to get up and go talk to one of these girls. I told myself repeatedly, "Rejection is better than regret." It didn't help.
I felt absolutely horrible on the way home. We’d had an ice storm the previous night and it was freezing and it felt like all the color was sucked out of everything. I was the most depressed I’ve been since I swallowed the pill. It only lasted for that evening with some residual blues into the next morning, but it was bad.
I'm posting this because I am insanely jealous of the success posts here. I always have been. They enrage me. A lot of them are just attention-seeking am-I-alpha-yet? bullshit but the genuine ones are out there and it's agonizing.
So I figured I'd share something that would help someone in my position feel less alone, or someone just above me feel better about their position. Thanks for reading.
TLDR: I went to a writing convention with lots of cute girls but did not approach once. It depressed me beyond belief and I will never forget it. Rejection is always better than regret.