After a 2 year disaster LTR in which I played the ultimate beta and suffered from depression and anxiety, I swallowed the Red Pill. 2 years on, here is my story and the things I learnt.
This is my first thread post here on TRP. Been lurking for a while and have decided to share my journey with the community. I hope it helps some people. I don't claim to be an expert, I just want to help other young guys.
Let me start by painting a picture for you...
I was 22 years old. I'd finished college and about to enrol in a postgraduate course. My dating history so far? Pitiful. I had one LTR when I was 18-19 and then another LTR from the age of 20-22. To my shame I had managed to spend 4 years at college, and how many notches did I have in my bedpost? Two. My lack of sexual prowess made me feel worthless and ashamed.
The reason? Crippling lack of confidence with girls, low self esteem, depression, anxiety resulting in ED (This really was the main issue), and general beta outlook on the world. This can all be traced back to experiences between the ages of 13-18, but that's another story for another time. I look back on those times now and shudder, but I've gone past the self-loathing and regret phase, and now I see them as important learning stages.
So i'm 22 years old and I meet a girl at a party. She's pretty good looking 7/10, also 22, and we instantly hit it off. I've been single for a few months and recently been crushed by a case of unrequited Oneitis. My beta psyche tells me she 'understands me' and we start dating. I felt comfortable around her, she was confident and 'knew who she was'. The anxiety induced ED vanishes and we jump into a LTR. The sex is great.
But the red flags started appearing early on:
The first time we had sex I was told this: 'Normally I would sleep someone after a couple of dates, but I like you, I want us to wait, I want this to be special.'
Translation: All the Chads I've fucked on one night stands can have my body, but you Beta male, you have to wait. The price has now gone up for something that used to be free. Why didn't I see this for the red flag it was? This was an obvious sign of an Alpha Widow. But I was an idiot, I didn't even know what an Alpha Widow was...
My 22 year old beta brain, in a warped attempt to make sense of this, went along with it. 'Yes' I thought to myself , 'she thinks i'm special.' 'Don't worry about the other guys she's been with, they meant nothing to her compared to me, we all make mistakes, she's a modern girl and I shouldn't judge.'
Yet there was a nagging inside me. 'How many people have you slept with?', she asked me one night after sex. 'You're number three', I replied sheepishly. 'Same here!' she exclaimed.
I went to sleep that night content that we were on the same playing field, that she'd had a couple of relationships in her past and so had I, big deal. Yet deep down I knew that something wasn't right, it just didn't square up with her previous stance of making me wait for sex, as opposed to what she would 'usually' do, and it didn't fit with the language she had used - If you only have 2 exes, would you refer to them as 'All my past lovers'? What a total chump I turned out to be...
Fast forward to 3 months later, and what do we do? We move in together. That's right we MOVED IN TOGETHER only 3 months into our relationship. It was clear she was itching to settle down, she'd had her fun and now she wanted the domestic life with her beta male. She talked about family, the future. So we moved out of the city and into the suburbs. She completely dominated the decision, and I moved away from my friends to be trapped in a suburban hellhole with nothing to do. My social life began to revolve around her and her work colleagues. She worked just a short drive away. Me? I had to spend two hours on public transport every day to get back into the city to work. It was clear that this location suited her far more than me.
And then it happened.
Just a couple of weeks after we moved in together, as we are lying there naked in post-coital bliss, she drops the bomb that changes everything...
'I feel like I know you so well now, I love you so much, I feel I can tell you anything' she says to me.
'You know when I told you I had only been with 3 guys...'
I take a deep breath...
'Yes...' I say back to her.
'Well It's not true.. It's 14.'
Those words hit me like a knife through my beta heart. All this time, the person who I thought I knew, who I was convincing myself was right for me, hadn't been that person at all. She wasn't the good girl, she had confirmed what I really knew deep down. She had been riding the cock carousel for three years at college and had been ploughed by 13 different men. She was an Alpha widow.
I felt physically sick that I had been betrayed and that my precious girlfriend had been used by more cocks than I could count on my hands. My beta victim complex kicked in. Why did she do this to me? Why would she tell me now after sex? Why didn't she just keep it a secret? All it did was remind me of my previous sexual failings.
She instantly turned herself into the victim - 'Well if you can't handle my past, you're not a real man', she said. She even said 'It's not my fault that guys wanted to fuck me, and it's not my fault that no girls wanted to fuck you.' It was clear that she felt insecure about her slutty past and tried to rationalise it by blaming me for being inadequate.
Several days pass without talking to eachother. My beta brain tries to rationalise it. I cry like a fucking pussy. The BluePill world tells me that I'm being a dick, that I'm being unreasonable, that I'm being sexist. So what do I do? Like the ultimate beta fool that I was, I get down on my knees and apologise. I apologise for being judgemental and we agree to move on with the relationship. What a fail.
For the next two years, I never forget her CC riding slut past. It starts to affect me mentally, I constantly go through life counting things in thirteens, thirteen trees, thirteen paving stones, thirteen clouds, thirteen cups in my drawer, thirteen pigeons sitting on that tree. Everything reminds me of the number of men that have had her, and how she gave it up so easily to so many. We go on holidays, we buy furniture, we get a car together, we get a cat (I hate cats). Day by day I am becoming more and more financially trapped in the relationship. I believe on TRP you guys call it 'sunken costs'. I know It can't last, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. Every time we have sex, I am reminded that I am number 14.
More red flags appear:
- She keeps in touch with many of her 'former lovers.'
- She goes for coffee with one of them.
- She reveals her flings all across the world from when she was 'travelling'. She dismisses my concerns as 'Oh he was only a fling when I was travelling.'
- She mentions the names of her ex boyfriends in conversation.
- She complains that I'm not doing enough around the house (I was in fact doing the majority of the cooking and housework)
- I start to wonder whether she's still lying to me about the number
We argue. My beta self tells her how upset I am, and that she ought to cut contact with her ex 'lovers', out of respect for me. After all, I purposefully don't keep in touch with my exes out of respect for our new relationship. Isn't that basic human decency?
She reluctantly agrees to cut contact with them, dismissing it as a result of my own insecurities.
But again... she lied.
I glance at her phone one day and see a text message. A guy she was fucking at college - A married professor with two kids. Again I confront her, and she tells me to 'stop being so insecure.'
At this point I know I have to get out of this relationship. I know that I can have no LTR future with someone with such a promiscuous past, and lack of respect for me, for herself, or the relationship.
She then starts witholding sex, using sex as a weapon of control. The relationship culminates in a huge and violent argument when I finally crack and shout at her 'I guess you got all your fucking days out of the way before you met me.' She doesn't take this well. 'I'm leaving' I said to her, and she breaks down in tears begging me to stay. I nearly do. I so so nearly do. But I don't.
2 years in, this damaging relationship comes to an end and I am finally free. I move back into the city, get a sweet apartment of my own and decide to take The Red Pill. No more beta, from now on, you become the man you want to be.
At this point I didn't know what TRP was, but subconsciously I knew what had to be done. I read a shitload on human psychology, PUA, The Game, and hit the gym. I used every PUA tactic I could (I basically used The Game as a guidebook). I hooked up with girls in bars, even girls I met on public transport, and screwed the 3 hottest girls in the office. The ego boost you get when three girls pass eachother on the stairs and you've slept with all of them is immense. I had a few fuck buddies, and even a drunken threesome. This was great! I couldn't seem to stop. By actively forcing myself to behave like an Alpha I had cracked the code to getting girls to sleep with me. It wasn't so much about appearance or having a gym body - It was about confidence. In the beginning it was an act, but then it became ME. It was about approaching girls and projecting such an Alpha mentality that they couldn't resist.
Had I become a Chad? Maybe, maybe not. I even began to get a reputation as a player, something which just turned on the girls even more. The more of them I slept with, the more my SMV rose. It was snowballing and I was fucking loving it.
I discovered so much about women, and their mentality that It eventually became quite easy. I used the same pickup lines, I lied to them, I flashed the cash, my neighbour parked his Aston Martin DB9 outside my apartment - was it mine? Hell no! Did the girls I brought back think it was mine? Hell yes!
I had finally worked it all out and become the Alpha I wanted to be. The less I cared, the more attention I got. The more I treated women like toys rather than goddesses, the more success I had. I had Game down to a fine art. I perfectly worked out how to raise SMV, and more importantly I learned about which girls to avoid:
The girl I met who refused to use contraception (Red Flag, Run Away)
The girl who took offence when I asked her to 'dress sexy' in a text message (Red Flag, Raging Feminazi)
The girl who admitted to 50+ ex partners and wanted to LTR (Red Flag, Not making that mistake again, although a spent an incredible few weeks with her before throwing her on the scrapheap. We no longer talk)
I had finally learnt my lessons. But make no mistake, I had to keep a constant eye on my previous beta tendencies creeping back in. I'm not sure I ever became a true A+ Alpha, but I was certainly an A-
So where am I now you ask?
Well, to tell you the truth I eventually got tired of the hook-ups and pickups and after 2 years of being single and sowing my seed far and wide, I wanted a new LTR, I wanted something more regular. But now I knew what I was looking for. I'm now 26 with a healthy amount of sexual experience and I have banished most of my insecurities. My new girlfriend is 20 and a legitimate HB9. Result.
She has had 1 previous partner and It's an absolute blast to be more sexually experienced than her, and help to teach her about sexuality without all the baggage of an Alpha Widow. She is submissive, doesn't bitch at me when I just want to hang with the guys, in fact - she doesn't bitch at me for anything. The most important thing is that she isn't jaded by the CC, she hasn't had 13 different dudes pumping her. Am I at risk of Oneitis with this girl? Yes I am, but after all, I have a 20 y/o HB9 with an N-Count of 1. I'm not going to move in with her or marry her any time soon, but right now the relationship seems so healthy and natural with a dominant experienced male and young submissive female, and I'm taking each day as it comes.
Lesson 1: Do not LTR a girl with a high N-Count. I can't stress this enough. This is the single most important point here.
Lesson 2: Do not LTR a girl who keeps in touch with exes. She has zero respect for you and zero respect for herself or the relationship. Don't let modern girls collect ex partners like fucking Pokemon cards.
Lesson 3: Do not tolerate a LTR who still has exes as friends on social media, or indeed pictures of them. Would you keep photos of exes in your house? No, so the same principle should be applied to social media. Do not let girls normalize this disrespectful behaviour.
Lesson 4: Don't LTR a girl who used to give out sex for free, and then puts the price up by making you wait. It's the sign of an Alpha Widow.
Lesson 5: If you suffer from anxiety related ED, just get some goddamn viagra to get you over the hump. That's what I did. It does wonders for your confidence. Likelihood is that you'll only have to use it once or twice and your problems will go away.
Lesson 6: Remain vigilant to your previous beta tendencies creeping in, e.g Oneitis. None of us are immune.
Lesson 7: Do not let the feminist media tell you the sexual 'double standard' is unfair. It is the way of the natural world.
Lesson 8: If you want a LTR, it's better if she's younger than you.
Lesson 9: Do not get yourself into a LTR until you have spent some time spreading your seed far and wide.
Thanks for reading.