some folks in another sub suggested it might fit in this sub, this is my first post in here:
Preface: The Big Fish Analogy.
Creating attraction in a woman and keeping her interest is like hooking a big fish. You don't just try and reel it in as fast as you can. The fish is too strong and too powerful. Your line or rod will end up breaking before you even get it half way to the boat. The proper way way to catch the big fish is to wear it down. You reel it in a little, then let it back out, over and over again. Each time, reeling it in a little more than letting it out, until it is flopping around next to you in the boat.
Most guys have the mindset that they have to constantly be in contact with a girl to keep her interested. That is, if she's not talking to you, then she isn't thinking about you and will be swept up by the next guy that hits on her. In reality, this has the exact opposite effect on women. Constant, extended contact will make you look needy/clingy and drive her away. The fishing line will snap.
It seems counter intuitive, unless you understand how attraction really works. Attraction for men is first physical, then emotional. Where as, attraction for women is first emotional, then physical. You must invoke an emotional response and have her associate that emotion with you. ANY emotion, whether it be good or bad. Hopefully the majority will be good emotion, but there is also a place for negative emotion, which I will get to later. If you can invoke emotion, then you will stay on her mind for days or weeks on end w/out even talking to her. She is on the fishing line waiting for you to reel her in more.
When it comes to women. LESS at the right time is MORE.
Lesson 1: The Big Chill.
Now that we know that giving her too much attention is a BAD thing, how do you chill out? Simply put, eliminate your desire. Even in writing, that seems easier said that done, but when you eliminate your desire, you will have complete control over your thoughts and actions.
It's like going grocery shopping. If you are starving, you are going end up buying tons a food you didn't need or want that probably isn't the least bit good for you. Not even your will power could come through for you this time. If you had just eaten before going, you would have easily been able to stick to your shopping list, because you would have had complete control over your desire to eat everything in sight.
Eliminating your desires-
- Stay busy - School, work, friends, sports, whatever.
- Continue to talk to other girls.
This girl should not be your number 1 priority. Staying busy and talking to other girls will prevent you from catching one-itis and feeling the need to constantly think about her and talk to her. The less there is of you to go around, the more desirable YOU are.
Lesson 2: Be Excellent.
Girls are attracted to guys that do and say things to make them feel good about themselves (emotion) and by increasing your value in her eyes. In order to to this you have to form a connection with her by being excellent. You have to be different than every other guy out there.
So, how do you be excellent?
Have charisma - Someone who is charismatic is interesting, funny, inspiring, and enthusiastic. The more interesting you are, the more she will want to become a part of your interesting lifestyle. Also, don't just have interesting things to talk about. Listen to what she is saying and have interesting questions to ask her. The more funny you are the better she will feel about herself in your presence.
Be confident and certain in your actions and words - Don't wait for or seek her approval. Being confident is simply being comfortable in your own skin and not worrying about what others think. If you have a view or belief that opposes with hers, don't be afraid to express it. There is no reason to avoid confrontation.
Be a challenge - Instead of showering her with compliments like every other guy does, give her a hard time. If she says something off the wall retarded and she knows it, LOL and ask her if "she rode the short bus to school." Or, if she tells you something that she expects of you, instead of complying, say, "If you're lucky." You should both have a good laugh about it, but she will end up trying harder to impress you now that you knocked her down a little.
The key here is don't try and impress her. If she thinks that you do or say things JUST to impress her, it lowers your value. Especially if she has not done anything to deserve such extra attention. If you happen to do or say things that impress her, when she happens to be around, this increases your value.
Have any of you had a girl tell you that you are different than any other guy she known? Girls told me that ALL the time. And it's not because I'm actually different than any other guy, it's because I was able to invoke a connection through being excellent.
I'm not saying completely ignore her. You have to find a balance between giving her too much attention and not enough attention. You don't want the hook to fall out just as much as you don't want the fishing line to break.
Lesson 3: Retreat.
You haven't been acting needy or clingy because you have removed your desire by keeping yourself busy and putting yourself first. In the time you have given her, you have been excellent in her presence, hence, you've increased attraction and maintained interest. Now it is time to let the fishing line out.
She's on on the line, not really fighting you too much because deep down she wants to be in that boat with you, but she's also not quite ready to be an easy catch either. This is a perfect time to put the rod in it's holster and grab some lunch. It's hard work reeling in 5'4 120 lb. fish. Both sides could use some rest.
Some of you have heard the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." It is absolutely true. Just like I said in lesson one, less is more. As long as you have successfully created attraction, then you will be on her mind. The less you talk to her, the more she will think about you and her feelings will become stronger. This is the whole point of being excellent in her presence prior to retreating. You have to continue to be desireless and fight the urge to talk to her every 5 minute or have 2 hour conversations with her. THIS DOES NOT MEAN IGNORE HER for and extended period of time, but 3-4 days w/out talking to her is not be a big deal.
TIME IS YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR ENEMY!!
Lesson 4: Catching up.
This is where the previous three lessons come full circle. In order for her to want to chase you, she has to think that if she doesn't, then she will lose you. You've built so much attraction, why would she want that!? ...But you can't let it go too far. Now that you have retreated, it's time to let her catch up. In order for things to progress, as she is chasing you, you also have to reciprocate interest. Now it's OK to show her more interest, because she is earning it. You are basically rewarding each other.
She can't constantly be the once chasing or else she will think you are not interested and give up. If that happens, the only way to get her back is to start chasing her 100%. Guess what that means? You have gone from being the fisherman, to the fish. So, when you retreat (let the line out), you have to let her catch back up to you (reel her back in).
You still have to accept her calls and reply to her txts, although, not necessarily right away or even the same day. If she asks you to hang out again, don't always jump at the chance, but don't straight out deny her either. When you do talk to her, keep the convo short and end it on your terms and on a high note, in order to leave a lasting positive impression. Continue to be excellent if the opportunity arises. Because she is putting in work. You should reward her. You could even throw in a compliment here and there and ask her on another date. She has now earned the right to spend more time with you.
I've been helping a guy in which the girl he is interested in has actually already rejected him, but has continued to chase him. Obviously she is still attracted to him, but just isn't ready yet. I, of course, told him to chill out and stay busy, talk to other girls, and to not give her any attention that she doesn't deserve. He would reply to the txts and IM's (on his own schedule) and be excellent, but never take the initiative to contact her first. Why would he? She already told him she wasn't ready to date again after already kissing him, etc.
But after about a week she stopped txting for 3 days. I commended him for using extreme restraint, and I told him that he should initiate contact this time. In doing so, I suggested he tease her for actually letting him contact her first for once. This does a couple of things.
For one, it reciprocates interest. Taking the initiative to txt her shows her that he really does want to talk to her. On the flip side, she will become self conscious and wonder if she she was too needy/clingy before. Showing her that all her "chasing" was not for nothing, any negative emotion will be replaced with positive emotion, simply because she is overjoyed that he's actually still interested. After that, he said she txted him 3 separate times the same night.
As you can see, she obvious thought that he had lost interest, but he pulled her back in just enough and at the right time. He can do that over and over again until she finally comes around or he decides it's no longer worth the trouble and nexts her.
Lesson 5: Review
- Be desireless, as to stay in control of yourself. Being desireless, in itself, is attractive because if she feels that you are willing to walk away, she will work that much harder to keep you there.
- Be excellent, as to increase attraction, maintain interest, and keep her wanting more(chasing)
- Retreat, as to let the attraction build.
- Let her catch up, as to not let her think you are simply disinterested and to reward her for her efforts by showing mutual interest.
You continue this cycle over and over again until the relationship is 100% mutal and she is sitting in the boat next to riding off into the sunset. She is now your girlfriend and it is time for each of you to relinquish some power and let your guard down a little. Don't completely succumb, or else the attraction will fade and she will lose interest. You still need to be excellent most of the time and you still need to have your own life.
I also want to take this time to emphasize that the whole point of this round about is that you can't let on that she can have you anytime she chooses, if you have not made here earn that right. You have to, HAVE TO keep in mind that you are the prize just as much as she is. She can't see how valuable you are, if you hold no value in yourself. She has to win you over just as much as you need to win her over. The good thing is that she WANTS to work for it. She doesn't want it to be handed to her on a silver platter. And obviously, you want to put the work in too, because you are reading this.
A huge mistake guys make is thinking that he the one that has to prove himself to her and not making her do any of the work. That is the wrong way to think. Just imagine how disinterested you would be if a woman constantly threw herself at you and you have done absolutely nothing.
One last thing. You are probably wondering how long all this takes? Well, that all depends on how good you are on creating attraction, the connection you and the girl have, and other outside influences. I personally think that if you want something that lasts with this person, the "courtship" should take no less than 4 weeks, but no more than 8. In that time span, you probably would have talked to her maybe 1-3 times a week and gone on about 3-6 dates, maybe even already scored(not recommended). The slower you build attraction, the stronger the connection you will have. To have a successful, long term relationship, you have to have a sturdy base to build on.
NEVER become B/F-G/F right away. Every time I allowed that to happened, the relationship never lasted more than a few weeks. If you open up too much, too soon, there is just that much more information that could make her change her mind. Becoming serious quickly makes you let your guard down too quickly. Since you don't have a sturdy base, there is more to push her away than to keep her there.
Again, there is no rush. Time is your friend.
Lesson 6: One-itis
One-itis a term coined for when a single guy thinks a girl is different or special than any other girl out there without even really knowing her yet. Although, just because you are only interested in one girl, does not mean you have one-itis. One-itis is when you close to door to any possibility of perusing another girl while you are interested in that one girl.
For example: A guy obsesses over one girl, even though he barely knows her. Yet, he is willing to go to the ends of the earth to please her if given the chance. Because he is so hung up on this one girl, he completely blew off another girl that had showed interest in him.
Results of having one-itis:
1.) Ignoring every other girl who shows interest in you.
2.) Calling her JUST to talk or hear her voice.
3.) Having long, meaningless, boring conversations because you don't want to "let her go."
4.) Agreeing with everything she says.
5.) Over analyzing everything she says and does.
6.) Supplicating - trying to "buy" her affection instead of making her earn yours.
Doing the above will make you be perceived as desperate and needy/clingy, maybe even as a stalkerish. It will make her lose interest and attraction because you are being the exact opposite of what she is looking for. Which is a strong, assertive man who won't take her bull**** and is a challenge.
Guys with one-itis also allow themselves be taken advantage of. They think they are being "nice", but what they are really being is a pussy.
How to beat one-itis:
1.) Don't do any of the above.
2.) Do not assume she is different or special than any other girl until proven otherwise.
3.) Have some respect for yourself! If you don't value yourself, how can anyone else?
4.) Date/talk to at least 3-5 girls at any time.
5.) If a girl does not live up to your standards, next her.
It's okay to be overwhelmingly physically attracted to someone you just met. What is not okay, is to assume that she is your ideal woman JUST because you're attracted to her.
One-itis doesn't apply when you are in a committed relationship. If you are in a committed relationship you are supposed to have one-itis, but you still should not succumb to any of the above results, with the exception of #1.
If you are not ready to close the doors on all other girls that may be interested in you, then you have no place being in a committed relationship in the first place.
Lesson 7: The Nice Guy vs. The Chump AKA "Missing a set of balls syndrome"
I think that there is a lot of confusion around the meaning of a nice guy. When women are asked what kind of man they want, they always say a "nice guy." Then, when a guy is nice to a girl and still gets dumped, rejected, or put in the "friend-zone", he thinks that women just say they want a nice guy, but they really don't. So they turn into a bitter jerks and decide to treat women like ****, thinking that will get them the women they want.
The problem is, most women ACTUALLY do want a nice guy! The breakdown occurs when men don't understand what being a nice guy truly means. They THINK they are being the nice guy women say they want, but they are actually being chumps.
The nice guy and the chump share a lot of traits, which accounts for some of the confusion. For example they both can be kind, caring, have manors, are polite, considerate, and respects others.
You can posses the above traits and still be considered a nice guy to women if you...
-have confidence, be assertive, and dominant.
-have self-respect and value yourself equally or above her.
-voice different opinions, even if it causes conflict.
-make her earn YOUR affection and expect her to please YOU as much you do her.
-not put up with bull**** and be unwilling to make huge sacrifices for her.
-not allow her to take advantage of your kindness.
Keep in mind, the jerk does the above, but more to the extreme and does NOT posses the above traits.
You can posses the above traits, but be considered a chump to women if you...
-lack confidence, are passive, and a pushover.
-have no self-respect and value her greatly above yourself.
-are agreeable to avoid conflict (boooring!).
-try and "buy" her affection and desperate to please her (always apologetic or 'making it up" to her).
-put up with bull**** and be willing to make huge sacrifice for her.
-allow her to take advantage of your kindness.
As you can see, you don't have to stop being a nice guy and become a jerk, just stop being a chump!
Lesson 8: Confidence
Confidence comes from a positive self-image, which is a mental picture you have of yourself. There are two parts to your self-image, the real you and the ideal you. The closer the "real you" aligns with the "ideal you", the more confident you will become. That means change.
Take notes on what you think you need to change/improve upon and take action.
How to increase confidence:
-Get into shape. Change takes a lot of work. You have to be willing to make sacrifices.
-Stay well groomed.
-Wear stylish clothes (but still reflects who you are).
-Stand tall, keep your head up, smile, and look people in the eyes.
-Clear up acne and/or get contacts, or at least no dorky looking glasses.
-Stay positive and don't dwell on traits you think lowers your self-image. If you don't think it's a problem, no one else will. We are our own worst critics.
-Keep yourself busy as to not over analyze situations. Boredom leads to over thinking, which leads to lower confidence.
-Speak in a measured slow tone. Talking fast and a higher tone lowers your value around others.
-Baby steps. Don't try and achieve all your goals at once. Change takes time and each small step will increase your confidence.
-Try to not judge yourself on outside events. It's tempting to feel confident only when you do well or feel popular, but you can just as easily gain confidence in failure. Experience goes a long way.
Lastly, fake it till you make it. You may not have real confidence yet, but you can act like you do. Act like the "ideal you" would act. Confidence begets confidence.
The most important thing in boosting your confidence accepting your faults. There are some things you simply cannot change. This is primarily physical, as you can mentally change anything you want.
Take me for example. I'm 5'6". I can't change that, but I was able to lose 70lbs of fat and get into shape, clear up my acne, and get some style. I think the best way to put it is this, try not to have more than one strike against you. I turned 3 pretty big strikes into one strike. Even then, my increased confidence overcame the one fault I had no control over to the point I stopped considering it a fault at all. I could still be the ideal me, even if I was short. If you don't consider it a crutch, neither will others.