I've been lurking the redpill for a couple of months. I started reading after an upswing in my life. There's a girl that our family is friends with that I would dream about having but never could (I'm gonna try rushing through this because it's just a minor part of the post). We figured out that we would be living in the same city this summer just about the time I was waking up on my own (hadn't discovered redpill). I started dieting, lost 40 pounds and started generally controlling my own happiness.
We met up in the city around the time we got in and had an amazing day. She was actually attracted to me now. We went on a date after that and made out a little. I thought everything was perfect. She texted me the next day to tell me that a chad was coming in from her school and that although she really liked my beta ass, she didn't want to continue. I was crushed and in retrospect, I failed every single shit test she threw at me.
I cut her off and time goes on. I started reading the redpill and kept telling myself that "you just wanted her for sex" to try and ease my pain. Nothing was working. Eventually, I slowly forgot about her and continued trying to better myself.
Well last week our families met up. we were all at a concert and while she was up on the rail I stayed in the back with my family, the two of us just stayed away from each other. I acted like I was fine and just got through the night. I never even really saw her. But even being in the same vicinity as her did something to me. Over the next week I couldn't sleep, my job performance went down, and I started consuming more than 3500 calories a day. I was back to my same old self that I had taken half a year to get away from.
Yesterday I had an epiphany. The reason that I was so upset that I didn't end up with her is because I made her my life goal. I thought about how great things would be together and what people would think when they saw us together. I didn't rely on myself to become the best I could. She represents my failures now and being around her Is gonna bring them to light. It's easy to say "I'm a different person, I should be fine being around her" but It's not easy to do so.
There is one thing I can do though. I can actually become better instead of pretending to be better. I will internalize my own failures and beat them back. I will stop projecting my successes onto other people and I will forget about her because I am better than her. When I eventually see her again, I won't lose my frame.