MetaDeveloping unconditional positive regard for the self. (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by [deleted]

tl;dr - Unconditional Positive Regard is the basic tenent of mental health first aid, crisis interventions, medical treatment, psychotherapy and counselling. Developing it for yourself so that you don't require external validation is the key to frame. Let's begin...

Whether you are someone in an emotional crisis, in an altered level of consciousness or someone getting some counselling for their gambling problems there is one thing that the patient needs - a positive spin on everything they tell you, even if its not right away.

Someone's breaking down, telling you how they were abused as a kid and have been a prostitute for drugs since they were thirteen? You say "wow, most people in that situation never even see a way out but it sounds like you want a change, that's amazing!"

Something so simple as unconditional positive regard can change someone's life immediately and most of the time they won't even know it. The chances are that the day you give someone their first dose of unconditional positive regard is the day that their life really starts getting better, so let's see what happens when you give it to yourself?

Let's say you're feeling guilty about spending the whole weekend on WoW and you you swear you're quitting this week. "Wow thats pretty amazing, how many millions of people out there are hopelessly addicted and have no idea they can even have a better life, but here you are ready to try again at quitting a habit. That's awesome!"

You were out at a bar, you had a crack at a girl and she didn't bite, even though you have been working out, looking better, studying more, working harder, reading red pill and holding frame... you're feeling like a loser... Well motherfucker there are like only two hundred thousand red pillers on the entire planet and even fewer than that are trying as hard as you are! You're awesome! Cmon man you got this!

I'm sure you guys are smart enough to adapt this to your personal situation. Pass this on boys, and next time someone is feeling like shit, spin them in to some unconditional positive regard and maybe save a life.

[–]Temperfuelmma 78 points79 points  (8 children)

and maybe save a life.

It pains me to say that I've lost 3 of my close friends. All suicide. All male. People have this weird perception that men, even young boys, shouldn't need emotional support.

Love yourself selfishly. That's the most unselfish advice I can give you but care for those that stand by you and always lend a helping hand to a broken man that wants help.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

An often ignored statistic is that 4x more males commit suicide than females. Women try to rationalise this away straight away but the reality is than men are second class citizens

[–]recon_johnny 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Women attempt at about the same rate. But, they don't close the deal.

Why? A couple reasons...They try less 'invasive' methods, like pills, instead of a tried and true eating a bullet; or they want the attention it brings, because being a victim elevates status.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Plus this is partially misleading because it's often the same women who will carry it these non-serious "cry for help" attempts multiple times leading to the statistic that women attempt suicide at a higher rate than men. All suicide is horrible but the 4x higher rate in men is an obscene failing on society's part to address this issue

[–]dat_mean_no_work 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Did all 3 of your friends had a common incident in their lives that lead them to suicide?

[–]reddit_sucks3 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Yeah, they were all friends with /u/Temperfuelmma

[–]yesyouareawesome 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My uncle has committed suicide too. He had just lost confidence in himself. He thought he couldn't take care of his family anymore. All he wanted some emotional support. Someone who could tell him life is full of ups and downs. I wish i could talk to him the day he committed suicide. This post touched me deeply.

[–]CurlyHairedPrince 43 points44 points  (10 children)

Solid Post. A positive mindset can achieve wonders.

Some side benefits:

1) Your positivity has a way of rubbing off on people, you'll notice (most) people start to greet you enthusiastically and people will naturally flock towards you.

2) Helps overcome negative relationships with people. Here's a little field report to illustrate:

At work I would always avoid the sales manager because of his constant beratement towards my job performance even though I was out performing most of my seniors. It didn't matter if I had sold a huge service or earned serious amounts of profit for the store.

Why hadn't I done this and why hadn't I done that?

The point is, he definitely had it out for me, in fact the other employees were shocked because he would be high-five(ing) them for their small sales and lecturing me on my bigger sales.

This would piss me off and make me passive aggressive towards him, which in turn pissed him off and the situation spiraled out of control which would have lead me getting fired and jobless.

Law 1: Never Outshine the Master (PDF)

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

This law explained why he was acting the way he was towards me. My huge sales that I worked hard on, the ones that I thought would make him pleased with me (and get him off my back) were only accomplishing the opposite. I was making him look bad in front of the other employees. He had wanted to flex his "sales experience" in front of other employees by teaching me but I was actively and overtly denying his knowledge in front of others and still making a killing in sales. I'm sure you can understand why he thought that would be bad for him.

Literally the next day, I see him and instead of walking the other way, I walk towards his sneering face and burst into a huge and genuine smile and asked how his day was going? I didn't pretend to smile, I was in a genuine positive mindset. I had decided to let go of all the hate towards him and treat him as an old friend. The shock on his face was priceless. I told him that the little tip he gave me the day before really helped and I owe him that sale. I made sure to say it loud enough so others would hear it. He was caught off guard and quietly excused himself. After that, I would always smile and nod whenever I saw him in the store.

A week later, we're best buds. We smile and greet each other. In fact, he constantly uses me as an example in front of other employees and embellishes every sale I get, whether it's a small or a big one.

I know this field report is more of being positive on the outside but that can only be reflected by feeling positive on the inside. Also, the 1st Law is more about making those above you feel superior but if you genuinely show care to the person putting you down, they will feel bad for treating you so harshly and will start to reciprocate your positive and caring attitude back towards you.

EDIT: I'd like to make it clear that though this sort of positive attitude is great for defusing hostile and negative relationships, it is NOT a good strategy to continue using alone if you want to remain in high standings of your recipient, as it will only make you appear a "kiss-ass" or a "suck-up", in some cases they might even think you have no self-respect. This would slowly and inevitably lead them back to disrespecting you. It's only half of what I like to call the "Corporate Formula". Eventually the recipient will feel bored of your constant positive attitude and while he might still reciprocate, he will only play nice on the surface. For him to bestow great heights of power to you, you need to add value from his association with you. If anyone is interested, let me know in the comments and if there is enough interest, I'll make a post on it.

EDIT 2: It seems there is definitely some interest in having me continue this post and expand on what I've already written. So instead of me giving you a half assed answer, I'll write out a detailed post in a few days. If you're really curious, it's simple, it's got to do with adding value to their already high social value as a manager. What it is and How to successfully accomplish this will be included in the post.

[–]3whatsthisgarg 13 points14 points  (4 children)

Superb comment, you should work this up into an original post.

In my field, 90% of people are jerks and waste HUGE amounts of energy on being antagonistic, really making everything more difficult for everybody, including themselves.

I don't let their negative energy bother me, and I don't even have to do mental tai chi on it; it just genuinely has no effect on me.

And then, when I apply just a tiny bit of charm, it's grease on the wheels and it makes my work so much easier. Sometimes the look of surprise on their faces is amusing, just because I was polite.

It's really just easy to be pleasant when it's not fake.

[–]brokenbrights 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I must say this every single time I interact with someone that seems miserable. Being pleasant makes things SO much easier in a lot of scenarios.

[–]3whatsthisgarg 3 points4 points  (0 children)

interact with someone that seems miserable.

I don't even know what I can do for miserable people, other than leading by example. I was talking more about dealing with hostile people.

They must subconsciously think hostility is a weapon, or a tool, and I disarm them by showing their tactics aren't working on me. When I show up it usually means more work for them, so they start in with the attitude. I just smile and go about what I'm doing; they usually get the idea that I'm doing it the easy way and come around.

Here's an example of how I blew somebody's mind just by being civil and making my work easier: I'm waiting for some paperwork by this woman who is surrounded by demanding jerks all day every day. Comes my turn, she doesn't even look up, writes it up then hands it to me. I say thank you have a great day (and genuinely mean it); she looks up in astonishment, like that had never happened before.

The next time I came in, she just rolled me right through without the usual obstacles. So easy.

[–]CurlyHairedPrince 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thanks, I just might.

...really making everything more difficult for everybody, including themselves.

Absolutely agree, it's actually shocking how the limit of your success is directly related to how you interact with your coworkers, seniors and bosses.

Sometimes the look of surprise on their faces is amusing...

It's downright hilarious at times.

[–]AstralAeonSoul 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I'm looking forward to that post. This will come in useful for everyone in the sub who's part of the corporate world.

[–]icecow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What's part two? He bores of your positive attitude. What is the winning shift of behavior on your part?

[–]plascra 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Need the 2nd half of the formula. So what did you do to prevent the eventual side effects?

[–]MyLittlePonyofDoom 1 points1 points [recovered]

I really think you should elaborate on this. Sales is one of the few fields where your effort directly effects the P&L and this is transparent. If a large part of your compensation depends on how much revenue you generate then why the need to suck up to someone? The only 'power' you need bestowed upon you is a fat bonus cheque and this is worked in advance. Sure some people are corporate politicians but if you were you wouldn't necessarily be in a sales role.

[–]CurlyHairedPrince 0 points1 point  (1 child)

If you think ignoring or not developing any positive interactions and relationships with your bosses, seniors or coworkers will work out just dandy, it won't.

It might not matter if you're not making noticeable amounts of profit but when you are making above average profit then people will notice and will talk to you. This is universal, If you are good at something, you WILL get attention of some kind. If you are really good at Basket Ball, you will get asked to play with others, you will get asked to hang out later. The high-scoring-nerd will get asked questions by people who care about their grades. Why? Because if we want something, whether to be good at Basket Ball or get good grades, we will look at the person achieving these and will want to try to figure out how they are doing it and try to mimic it. Humans learn best by seeing and then doing. It's an ancient technique that cavemen used when there weren't languages to help teach. It's still ingrained in us.

So, in a competitive sales environment you will get attention from people who care about making a lot of sales. Now how you interact with that inevitable interest will determine how you are perceived as a person and your growth in the company. I'm gonna give a real-life example here:

I had this classmate, Tyson. Tyson was really smart and would always get the best grades in every subject. In a competitive school where everyone wanted the highest grades, myself included, we would ask him questions on questions. We would try to sit with him in lunch class and try to be his friend in hopes that we also could find out his secret to success. In an environment where people wanted high grades more than anything, people like Tyson were rock stars, the jocks or the popular ones. I know some of you are thinking,

pshh, he's a nerd, nerds aren't popular!

You obviously didn't go to a academically-competitive school. In your case, try to imagine jocks then; in an environment where being athletic and good at a sport is what people value more than good grades.

Anyways, back to the story, Tyson got really annoyed at the amounts of questions he was getting and he was smart enough to tell that people were just trying to use him to get good grades. Instead of trying to control his annoyance, he lashed out. Basically told everyone to fckoff*, this obviously wasn't received well.

Here is what you need to understand, You either hate someone popular or you love them. Jealousy and Admiration are centimeters apart on this figurative scale. Also, your view on someone is heavily dependent on what others think. If a person is hated by everyone, you are more likely to hate them. If a person is liked by everyone, you are more likely to like them.

So when Tyson told them to you know what, people started to envy him, which lead to jealousy, which surprise surprise lead to hate. As the Tyson-hating crowd got bigger, more people joined, cause well, everyone hates him so there must be a reason. Trust me you will find or get told a reason to hate someone who is already hated. Needless to say, Tyson didn't have a great rest of the year, lost his position at the top of the class from depression and last I heard was taking therapy.

So, now do you think how you're viewed in an environment where you are performing above-average matters?

If a large part of your compensation depends on how much revenue you generate then why the need to suck up to someone?

It's never a good idea to suck-up in the corporate world. I mentioned that in the edit, don't know how you got the impression I said it was. Your future in the company, getting raises or bonuses and a lot more depend on your impression as a person to the superior who is in charge of such things. These is where you must've misunderstood by thinking you need to suck up to receive these benefits. No, sucking-up only makes it worse. Also, you can be the best person for the job but if a similar person in your position who isn't as good as you are but is more liked, he will get that bonus. There was a reddit post on this, supported with scientific study, a while back.

If something doesn't make sense let me know. I'm writing in the middle of the night here and haven't went back and proofread it.

[–]PawnToKing 113 points114 points  (9 children)

It's refreshing to see a post this positive on a subreddit that's usually filled with negativity and petty arguments. Nice work, man.

[–]Hoffytown 35 points35 points [recovered]

Yeah, the thing is, the guys who make positive posts seem like the most successful to me. I've lived in negativity for a lot of my life, and I know all too well that a negative life outlook really infects everything you do. As long as negativity flourishes on this sub, you'll see the trend of 80% of guys reading and not improving. This post is absolutely crucial reading (and hopefully followed by immediate action) for everyone who reads this sub

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I thrive under negativity. The point of pessimism is not that you hate life, it´s just accepting the 80/20 rule. 80 percent of people suck, 80% of the 20% that don´t suck, suck 80% of the time too. Bill Gates probably sucked 80% of the time but his 20% was good enough. The false optimism of Blue Pill mentality is really driving up depression numbers. People think that successfull people have 100% hit rate, when really the difference between a star salesman and just another good one might be a few %. The same with sportsmen, the difference between a Kobe and 8th guy on the bench is just a fraction of a second faster, stronger, smarter, etc. But that fraction makes Kobe beat the other guy 9/10 times so it looks astonishing. Truth be told, if you are not retarded, hideous, disabled or otherwise severly hampered, life has thrown you some pretty amazing cards and much much worse has happened to much much better people than you, thats the only "positive" thing really that all commenters on this forum have in common.

Keep your touchy-feely stuff, I prefer honest discussion.

[–]seahollow 1 points1 points [recovered]

Truth be told, if you are not retarded, hideous, disabled or otherwise severly hampered, life has thrown you some pretty amazing cards and much much worse has happened to much much better people than you, thats the only "positive" thing really that all commenters on this forum have in common.

I feel that's important. Those are amazing advantages. I'm constantly grateful my parents didn't stay in Mexico, or that I was born in ultra-competitive China.

Having either a positive/negative outlook on your whole post is equally valid.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, it's a pro/con thing and depending on what you value. I know optimists that don't have problems with expectations, myself i find it a lot easier on my psyche to just assume everything is going to stay the same or get worse, not better. Letting go for real is a hard hard task, but for optimism to work you need to be a master at it.

[–]B0KAM 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Given the inevitable anger phase that accompanies the swallowing of the red pill, this should definitely be side-barred. I know it would have helped me a lot when I started reading a year and a half ago.

thanks OP.

[–]joseph_fuzzco_Jr 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Today is a good day because you did your best! Well done!

-Jackie Chan

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Hell yeah. This is the key to escaping the system. Once you start seeing every outcome as a step towards improving yourself... then no-one can stop you.

[–]you3337 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This sub needs more positivity thanks boi.

[–]GodFan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fucking right man. This is what everybody here can get behind.

[–]Kxdan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All improvement starts with yourself and your mind, you should always hold yourself in high regard

[–]TheRedHydra 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Meditation for me helped make a big difference here. When you begin to see your thoughts as not who you are but as just thoughts it makes a huge difference

[–]3whatsthisgarg 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Do you want to cite the man who developed this? Carl Rogers.

Another humanistic psychologist worth looking into is Maslow. Self-actualization. This stuff is neglected somewhat now because it's not flashy. And it's a lot of work, not only to accomplish, but also just to read. But it's very congruent with TRP.

[–]Ascended_One 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Great post, thanks for the reminder OP! Most people on TRP subreddit post content filled with negativity that will kill you inside, but you've understood what the Red Pill is all about and share it. You're awesome!

[–]redestofthereds 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm trying to get a freelance career off the ground and I try to remember-as trite as it sounds-that if things go south, I am still a little bit closer to my goal than I was before.

It's a fucking grind to get started, so the last thing I need is to be hard on myself.

[–]Surfincloud9 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sending some unconditional positive regard your way ~~~~~~

[–]blimp11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

always be for...never against. Negativity does not make for prosperous outcomes

[–]meaningintragedy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been to a concert today and had a quick chat with a girl there. When it finished I asked her for her number and she refused.
It wasn't disappointed (her loss, abundance mentality) and was proud of myself speaking to her and asking her for her number; many men wouldn't even dare doing the earlier let alone the latter.

Thanks for putting words over this.

TRP is a life changing experience.

[–]icarusrex 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got a recommendation for The book: The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem this weekend at a conference here is a quick youtube overview https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhuabY4DmEo

[–]angryguy4444 1 point2 points  (1 child)

What the fuck? Upon discovering TRP, I thought that I should hate myself for being such a loser?

How would you change an inner dialogue like this :

"you are a piece of shit, look at what happened in college, you wasted 10 years of hard work", "you will never get anything right, and you were so promising when you were young", "you aren't even a man, you are fat, lazy, you are hopeless. You are addicted to porn and even though you tried quitting for 6 years you still aren't free from this shit. You spend all your days surfing the internet and you don't even have the will to change anything anymore. Kill yourself"etc.

PS : I have 3 years of martial arts practice, I'm in a band and we have already composed a few songs and I'm just majoring in engineering, so I have some successes but I have this pure hating inner dialogue which always success in convincing me that I'm an utter failure and that I should die.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

PM me I will skype you. the first step toward success is failure.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unconditional Positive Regard is the basic tenent of mental health first aid, crisis interventions, medical treatment, psychotherapy and counselling. Developing it for yourself so that you don't require external validation is the key to frame.

I've been progressively working on this as I ingested TRP. Current plate told me last night that:

  • "You're so fucking cocky. And you can be a real asshole sometimes. Other people think it to. X and Y said the same thing."

I used to be bothered by that kind of statement, but not any more. For one, when a woman says you're cocky it means you're more confident than most men she knows and she doesn't know how to handle it. I now know that is a good thing. When she said X & Y said it, I also explained to her how both of them were complaining about something that was done locally by a group of volunteers (including me), and that I reamed their asses because they were bitching about something people did in their spare time to benefit others. So they only thought I was a cocky asshole because I called them on their bullshit for criticizing people for volunteering while they sat on their asses and did nothing but bitched.

I am still unsure of myself sometimes, and even if I didn't get confirmation like the above I'd still believe in myself, but it is a long and hard road to get to unconditional positive self regard, which leads to confidence, which leads to a better life.

In other words, positive self regard has trickle down benefits, one of which is confidence and self belief. For those of us who used to struggle with true self loathing, seeing the fruits of positive self regard can be awe inspiring.

Good post.

[–]MagmaiKH 3 points4 points  (3 children)


You undermine your credibility when you use hyperbole to describe the situation of someone else like that. It's condescending, it's a lie, and everyone saying it and hearing it knows it is a lie and that's why it wrecks frame.
Eventually that person really is going to make a positive change but when you tell him such he will not know to believe it because you have become a mindless positive encouragement sounding board. The shattering of that fake bubble of ego protection is how guys end up in this position.

This is a regurgitation of building faux self-esteem over building character. This misguides boys and prevents them from developing into men. This is exactly what we should be rooting out of society and making socially unacceptable.

To offer a seed of an alternative that avoids undermining everything TRP stands for - ask them questions about themselves and listen to the answers. I am comfortable claiming that all of your responses ought not be positive to everything you will hear. I am certain that I have done things that I should not be proud of and should not regard with a silver lining.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

That's great how you keep things in perspective, so many people out there are lost in their need for validation and safe spaces but not you, you keep it real. That's awesome!

[–]psycrabbit 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Excellent advice and so strange how it coincides with a book I'm currently reading that deals with deciding how you want your mental state to be rather than waiting for things to happen. I always find interesting stuff in TRP but these self improvement threads are the best bits in my opinion.

[–][deleted] 2 points2 points

[permanently deleted]

[–]psycrabbit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The book is "psycho-cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz. I'm almost through it and found some interesting stuff so far, I highly recommend it.

[–]the_red_monk 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hey do you have a book or source for this? Thanks for the post. I've heard of this before but this was good reminder.

[–]1Jax77789 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Think of what you are good at, of what you have now and remember a time when you laughed your ass off at something.

You will feel instantly better.

[–]Waffle_squid 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this post, this thread, everything about this. Right on man!

[–]renzoken99 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This made me feel a rush of encouragement. To know that I'm trying and part of a group of guys who are improving themselves is a great feeling. Curious, any tips or habits to implement to really make positive self image/talk a habit?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you want to sit down and think about something from your past. realize that the past does not have to affect your future. realize you have the power to stop it happening again. give yourself unconditional positive regard for completing the first step in success, which is failure. no one walked the first time they tried, no one became a doctor as soon as they started medical school, and so on.

[–]Recioman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i'm sorry i don't get how this is different from hamstering

[–]Hakametal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wanna add to this if you don't mind.

Be thankful for getting your heart broken. Be thankful for the pain other people have cause you in your life. Be thankful for adversity. Be thankful for your journey. Pain is the greatest teacher in life, it's how we evolved. Pain is there for a reason, it's your body telling you that something is wrong.

Every human being should read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. It will change your perception of life and your perception of suffering.

[–]prodigy2throw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The beginning of fall is that time where you need to stay positive

[–]likeasomebooody 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That bit about their only being 200k pillers really resonates with me. I'm gonna hold onto that one.