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Just discovered my fiance has a very promiscuous past and I have thoughts of ending it. Am I being too rash? (self.asktrp)

submitted by fyouIgotthis

Posted this in another sub, but getting a lot of hate. Another user PM'd me and referred me here and said this sub deals with issues exactly like mine and the population is largely men who would be able to relate better. I read the rules, seems like an interesting sub. Wanted to get your thoughts.

Here's my other thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/8861f2/recently_found_out_my_25m_fiance_26f_has_had_an/

I've been with my fiance for right about 2.5 years. We recently became engaged this year, and the only way the timing could have been worse would have been our wedding night...

I was with my best friend the other night at a nice bar and there he ran into someone he knew from work. We hung out with the guy for a bit, making small talk and I guess at some point in the evening he saw my lock screen photo of my favorite engagement photo with my fiance. I ran into some people I knew later on and split off my friend for a bit, and apparently this is where shit gets real.

My friend hung back with the guy from his work, and the guy had mentioned he knew my fiance, but didn't want to say anything in front of me out of courtesy. Apparently he is one of many who have slept with my fiance, and apparently she had a bit of a reputation before we got together that I was oblivious to the entire time. According to my friend, that guy and two of his friends have slept with my fiance, but the guy knew other stories as well. My best friend being a fucking bro and knowing I wouldn't take this well asked him some questions to verify if what the guy was saying lined up with where my fiance went to school/what neighborhood she lived in at the time/mutual friends etc... The guy even texted another friend of his asking him what would be one word to describe my fiance and the reply was "horny lmao".

I've known my best friend since we were very young kids, and we've done nothing but have each other's backs so I know he's not lying. When he told me and certain elements of what he told me fell into place I felt sick to my stomach. Bad thoughts flashed into my head. I don't know my fiance's number and she doesn't know mine, but that's because she refused to answer it a long time ago when it came up. That should have been a red flag in retrospect. We have sex, it's not like a dead bedroom or anything, but she's always struck me as being more on the average if not slightly conservative side of libido and openness. This is mind blowing to me.

She doesn't know I know, but this is extremely hard to keep to myself. When I saw her again I just acted like I wasn't feeling great and went to bed. I don't know what to do guys! This has completely changed my perception of her. I'm legitimately grossed out by the thought of having sex with her, and I've even had thoughts of calling off the engagement. But how tf do I tell her it's because of her past? How do I tell other people why it was called off? Is that even a legitimate reason?

Any input is appreciated!

TL;DR Found out fiance slept with a ton of guys before we got together. Have lost almost all of my attraction towards her and now considering ending the engagement


[–]Grrrlyboymom 27 points28 points  (12 children)

I consider name calling unacceptable. I would remove myself from the situation. Do you have a friend or family member you can drive to when this happens? You can just make a simple statement like, "I'm sorry you're upset. I love you. However, I will not accept being yelled at and called names". Then you leave.

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[–]ThatStepfordGalEndorsed Contributor 13 points14 points  (0 children)

No, show him that you can stick to your word. When you say you will leave (say it to him bluntly but respectfully) then leave.

Don’t let him toy with you using guilt. Show him that you are steadfast with your boundaries- that is teaching him to respect you and not walk all over you.

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[–]Grrrlyboymom 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Leaving isn't a punishment. It's just a boundary. You can answer your phone and speak to him. Leaving is about you removing yourself from poor treatment more than anything else.

[–]eazolan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If I turn up at a friend's place at 1 in the morning she's going to want to know what's going on and I don't want to share our problems with her.

I think saying "I really don't want to get into details, but we're fighting, and I think we're going to break up." is enough info.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Do you have family? Can you get a motel even for a night to show him you're serious? You're allowed to get space too. Take action since no one can do it for you.

[–]Spazzy19 14 points15 points  (8 children)

Yeah, that sounds abusive to me and I wouldn't be able to tolerate the way I was being treated. There is absolutely no excuse to call your partner names and scream profanities at them.

Is he open to counseling?

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[–]imanewwoman 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Come on, it's textbook emotional abuse...he won't change, not with all the love and patience in the world. This is some serious issue that needs therapy.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Really? What would you call abuse? If him shouting at you and deliberately calling you horrendous names isn't abuse, what is?

  1. He's verbally abusive.
  2. He won't stop when you plead with him to stop.
  3. He is unwilling to go to counseling.

Those are the facts. If you stay it will not get better.

[–]blackpinkera -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

The first two points are just anger. The last one I can't say for sure but my guess goes to: men's pride.

[–]Spazzy19 6 points7 points  (1 child)

So you have to decide when enough is enough and set some hard boundaries - and then be able to enforce them. I finally had to leave my ex husband after he had another emotional affair and started looking at pornography again years after we established those boundaries after he had a full affair. Trust me, it sucks to think about what it might entail to leave. And it's scary. But it's scarier to consider putting up with the abusive behavior.

You could tell him you're not accepting his apologies anymore because they're empty without the change in behavior. You could also stipulate counseling as a measure to repair the marriage. If he refuses, then you may want to walk. He's not going to take you seriously, though, because you accept his treatment of you.

[–]blackpinkera -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

There are women who get serious physical abuse. Getting screamed profanities, while hurtful, is definitely not on that level.

[–]Spazzy19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Abuse isn't defined on just a physical level, though. It's verbally and emotionally abusive.

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It sounds like something's eating away at him, something he can't/don't want to share with you, but he's taking out his frustrations on you because you're a "safe" target.

If you want to solve this problem, you have to find out what's causing it. If you're not contributing to the problem at present, then the root of the problem is something you need to find out if you want to save your relationship.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I dumped a guy for name calling. Fighting is one thing but names are not ok. Can I ask if these incidents always happen when he's been drinking?

[–]patience9 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Emotional abuse combined with alcohol is a bad combination, and I think you should consider resources and comments about how to handle a partner who drinks and/or is an emotional abuser.

As an alternative or supplement, you could do some reading to learn more about the psychology of men in relationships. From the sound of it I would guess that your husband is stressed out from work, feels worthless and scared, and interprets your communication style as challenging him. It sounds like you've figured out the last of those three already. For Women Only is a good book on the psychology of men.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Have you tried talking about this with him when you're not fighting? Have you suggested marriage counseling or tried to find out what he needs to work this out?

It might be worth straight up asking if he wants to stay married to you. You might not get the answer you want to hear, but it honestly seems like he's trying to drive you to the point where you leave him.

Let him know you're willing to put 100% in to fix the marriage, but you also love him enough to part ways amicably if the marriage is making him so miserable that he feels the need to regularly pelt you with taunts and insults.

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You make it clear by leaving. That is the answer. You keep talking about setting and figuring out your limit, but your problem is that you have no limit, and he knows that.

He is manipulating you very effectively. He can treat you like garbage, then apologize and everything is fine. You are signaling to him that it is ok for him to do this, so he will keep doing it.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars 3 points4 points  (1 child)

At this point, his apologies are meaningless if he's going to continue talking to you this way.

The next time he starts berating you, you need to not engage him, and completely remove yourself from the situation (go for a drive, stay at a hotel, or go to a friend's house). I know you don't want to tell your friends what's going on, but there needs to be at least one person that you can confide in and at least say "We had a fight that wasn't being resolved so it was just best for both of us if I left and we cooled off."

But ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what your ultimate breaking point is.

[–]blackpinkera 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tell him what you're going to do next time if it happens, and follow through.

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[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 8 points9 points  (9 children)

If you keep doing what you've been doing then it's going to continue. Everyone has given you solid advice. Stay the course.

[–]lespetiteschoses 1 points1 points [recovered]

I told him that I can't stay in the same house as him until he has a plan to deal with his temper. He's turned it all around on me, saying that I push him and push him until he snaps. Told me I'm emotionally abusive.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You are being abused and gaslighted leave pack up your things and go. It won’t be long until it gets worse and possibly physically abusuve. Call a friend or family member tell them he’s been abusing you and need a safe place to stay.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Is that a change of tactics or has he accused you of that before? And do you think he's drinking? It sounds like you told him that he has to face up to his issues and he's freaking out - and responding by blaming you. It does take time and two to correct the course of a marriage gone awry. So you'll have to continue to work on your part. BUT the escalation that you describe on his part is worrisome.

Now that you've set a boundary you should hold it. And once you've calmed down from tonight you should do some more in depth reading (the recommended books if you haven't already) and reflecting to figure out what if anything you are contributing to the dynamic that currently exists. RP can help, it really can, but you can't fix this in a vacuum. Not at the point it sounds like you are at anyway.

Stay the course, for the time being, you are your own leader, until he's calmed down and you've both figured out what is causing these outbursts.

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[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (3 children)

So I noticed that you posted the same thing to three different subs. All your responses to advice sound like you are trying to get us to sign off on your leaving your guy. At this point I'm a little confused what you are trying to get from these posts? I think you received a bit of good advice here and redpillwives ... is there something else that you are looking for? You made the decision to leave until he gets his stuff together and you put that plan into action. There isn't much more to be said or advised until he decides what he's going to do next. You may just be beside yourself, but the way you are handling this lends some credence to your husband's accusation that you push him until he snaps. Either way, you are currently spinning your own wheels. Maybe go to sleep and stop thinking about it for now.

[–]lespetiteschoses 1 points1 points [recovered]

I'm looking for as many opinions as possible from the three subs I like and respect.

Many of the responses have told me straight up to leave him. This is not an option for me right now, so I'm looking for advice on how to manage his temper and turn things around in the long term.

I'm not sure why your getting aggressive over this, I'm just looking for advice.

[–]md8716 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right now the only thing you're doing is rewarding bad behavior by showing there are zero consequences for his actions.

So, you're not willing to leave. That means the only leverage you have in this relationship is sex, your love and affections, your presence, and maybe calling the cops if he gets violent.

So here's my suggestion: Write a letter in direct and unemotional language stating that you have a major problem with name calling during fights, that you consider it verbal abuse, and you have a concern it may escalate to physical violence.

Fights happen, but making his point in an argument never relieves him of his responsibility to act like a reasonable adult, and his pattern of behavior is unacceptable.

Finally, you will be gradually withdrawing your time, affection, and presence until he steps up and becomes a leader again, and you see a change in behavior.

By having it written down, you avoid getting a bunch of emotions or tangents wrapped into the issue. Sit him down when he's not in apology mode or fight mode, read that letter, fold it up, and leave the room. If he complains or tries to argue, read the letter again. And then stick to what you said you'd do.

Ball is in his court at that point. If you can manage that, your relationship may have a future. If not, then enjoy the downward spiral, and I hope he doesn't end up beating you someday.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is it going to be an option if he starts hitting you?

[–]blackpinkera -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I'm not saying you're emotionally abusive, but what is causing him to say that?

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace 1 point2 points  (1 child)

He may not trust that you have changed yet. Be calm, and don't yell or 'return fire'.

You can preempt escalations too.

"you aren't chatting enough..."

"I was distracted with [TV show, reading, insert reason], but I'll refocus now. What would you like to talk about?"

If he calls you a name "ouch, that hurts my feelings."

Is he stressed out because of work? Does he have a lot on his plate?

If these outbursts always happen after he has been drinking, then he doesn't know how to moderate his intake and behavior enough.

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[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Please quote the portion of the OP that leads you to belive this man was 'forced' into marriage.

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[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is entirely false. Read the sidebar and figure out if you can participate here in a productive manner.

[–]thexanaxpill 1 points1 points [recovered]

Most guys NEVER want to get married, not even blue pilled guys. You shouldn't had manipulated/forced him to get married when he didn't want to.

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

You are assuming too much, and you need to read the sidebar.

Marriage, LTRs, and having children are the RPW goals. It never needs to be justified and no one here is 'pushing' men to marry against there will.

Posting the same comment from multiple accounts will not help your case and will only get you banned.

[–]thexanaxpill 1 points1 points [recovered]

I thought I got my posts deleted bc my account was new. OP needs to hear what I said & that's why I re-posted it. I'll just PM her since you're having a power trip being a mod. RP concepts revolve around women being manipulative by the way. Why isn't that being discussed here?

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Read the sidebar. You clearly do not understand the male VS female RP sexual strategies. No one here is manipulating men.

The community focuses on self improvement and vetting for a good, compatible man, that shares similar goals. The last thing anyone here would do is push an unwilling or unsuitable man to marry.

Last warning. Be polite or be quiet.

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[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everyone is required to read the sidebar and follow the community rules. Every comment you have made thus far violates the rules.

I am giving you the chance to avoid a ban.

This conversation is not productive, continuing it would be an unwise move on your part.

[–]blackpinkera 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really sad to hear, I'm wondering what are the things he's getting upset about? Try to think about it in his shoes.

What are the things that are triggering this amount of anger(is there anything more than just being critical of him)?

Is he really just targetting you because you won't fight back?

I sincerely hope everything works out well.