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DATING ADVICEToo comfortable in monk mode (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by HardRockB

I found RPW a year ago and I have learned a lot while I have been here. However, to be honest, I have treated this mostly as a self-improvement sub. The last guy I dated was a year ago for three months. It was long distance and was never official. This was before I found RPW and I'm more careful now. I guess you could say I've been in monk mode for a year now.

My question is, what do you do when you're too comfortable with being single? And when I say single, I don't mean hooking up with random guys. I'm 27 and my ncount is 3 (some people think that's high, I didn't know better). I'm just happy with my own company and working on myself. I have never, ever wanted kids and while the idea of getting married someday is nice, I'm not in a huge rush. Even if it never happens, that's okay.

I read of a lot of RPW articles and I absolutely love the advice, so it's not that I disagree with the ideas. I just worry that rushing to find a husband will cause me to settle or choose the wrong person. I know vetting helps, I think I'm afraid of putting myself out there. Maybe you guys can talk some sense into me.

The past couple years I have been working on myself, especially my self confidence. While I am far better than I used to be, I think my perfectionism keeps me from dating. It's like, once I clear up my acne, get Invisalign, get a personal trainer, [insert flaw here], then I'm good enough to date.

I'm not sure if I should continue with monk mode and continue working on myself or start breaking out of my comfort zone and start dating.


[–]caneyfan30 points31 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you’re happy that’s all that matters really. RP/RPW is a great toolbox to better oneself. People need different things at different times of their lives. Me personally, I’ve been focused on my business the last 4 years and haven’t had time for much else...but have also had the time of my life (monk mode). I’m just now able and willing to start dating again. I’m much more in tune with who I am and what I’m looking for as a result.

But I can tell you that things always change. What you feel today won’t necessarily be how you’ll feel a year from now. If you want a family someday, however, that’s the only exception I can see where you may want to reassess things.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

RPW has definitely been a great resource to improve myself. Two years ago, I went no contact with my toxic family. I know will be judged by a lot of people for not having a close family, but it was necessary in improving my confidence and my life overall.

Initially I fell into the victim mentality, but this sub helped me realize I am in control of my life. The way I was raised may have affected me but I am in charge of fixing that. The first year was difficult but I am slowly getting better :)

Absolutely things change! I am a very different person from who I was two years ago. While there's always room for improvement, I'm happy with how my life is going overall. No plans on a baby though, partly due to family issues, partly due to never wanting one.

[–]littlepearlisland2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You would be judged if you stayed in contact with a toxic family, it would show lack of being able to draw boundaries. Congrats on everything that you have done so far!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much, that's so kind of you to say. It certainly taught me a lot about setting boundaries and teaching people how I want to be treated.

[–]bambiliftsweights0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fellow biz owner here! What do you do?

[–]plein_old10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why not make a list of your criteria for a bf / husband?

Especially the mental / emotional traits can be good to identify, for some of us, since it can be easy to be overwhelmed by purely physical attraction at times. By mental traits I mean like interests and value and such things. These are the things that tend to make or break relationships once the initial excitement wears off.

You can edit or refine your list of criteria over time, as you get more understanding about your own values and needs, etc.

To answer your question, it partly depends on what you are looking for. If you want to have a lot of casual encounters, then having a perfect physical appearance is probably very helpful, because there's a lot of turnover and you're constantly being evaluated based on first impressions.

If you want to settle down with a beautiful Chrsitian man* in a rural setting and raise a big family, then your physical appearance probably isn't the first thing he's looking for, but more like how kind and honest and nurturing are you, etc., and a husband like that might be more willing to grow with you through your own changes and your own personal development, over time. In such a situation, initial perfection might not be the point, and might even seem somewhat silly to try to achieve.

And then there are all kinds of variations and permutations in between and outside of those two settings, of course. :)

So, what do you want? You don't have to tell us, but you could tell yourself and write it down, maybe.

  • I'm not Christian, but was just using that as an amusing example. :)

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think that's a fantastic idea. I have never taken the time to write down what I want in a potential husband. It's easy to think of what I don't want, but not what I do want.

It would be nice to be in a long-term relationship. I still have some things that I want to work on physically and mentally but eventually I would like to have the confidence to get into dating again.

[–]suchansuch7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it’s not broken.....

[–]i_like_big_butts12905 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are extremely impressive. You understand that it isn't just about finding a husband. It is about finding a man worth your respect. Don't feel discouraged. Trust yourself and love yourself. You will know when you have found someone worthy of applying all you have learned in this sub.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

what do you do when you're too comfortable with being single?

I'm just happy with my own company and working on myself. I have never, ever wanted kids and while the idea of getting married someday is nice, I'm not in a huge rush. Even if it never happens, that's okay.

Not everybody is geared for a monogamous LTR. Most people are, but not everybody wants or needs a relationship. You could lean heavily asexual. As long as you're happy, unrepressed, and have your needs met, that's what matters. If that doesn't require a fulfilling relationship with a man, or at most you want a relationship but no kids, then good for you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's interesting that you say I could be asexual. I disagree since I do feel attraction to men and I enjoy being in relationships. But it makes me question if I have a fear of intimacy, physically and emotionally. I was raised to believe that I had to take care of myself, I couldn't rely on anyone else (except for my narcissistic parents). It has caused some trust and abandonment issues.

So while yes, I am happy, there are likely some emotional issues I still need to work through. I think I would rather be alone than deal with my emotional issues and get over the fear of being close to someone. Hopefully that makes sense.

[–]Idontpostmuch1232 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There will always be something you can do to improve yourself. You should take the attitude that you're already awesome and any guy would be lucky to be with you and these are just other things you can do to make yourself even more awesome.

I would say to start putting yourself out there now and to watch this video. It's made by a company that does dating and self-improvement advice for men, but it's a pretty awesome video and I think you would benefit a lot from it too if you can ignore the fact that it was obviously made with a male audience in mind.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey, thanks for the video! I haven't finished it yet but I'm enjoying it so far. It's true that there will always be someone better than us. Accepting myself as I am while continuing to improve myself is a great idea, I'm just not sure how to execute it.

The thing that was been helping the most is taking baby steps towards improving myself - getting chemical peels to improve acne/scarring, getting a consultation for Invisalign, starting to eat healthier - while forgiving myself if I screw up (eating something unhealthy). I'm trying to work on not beating myself for making mistakes because doing so causes me to feel worse, thus causing a vicious cycle.

I wish there was a female version of this besides the "you're perfect the way you are!" bullshit I see nowadays. Accepting and loving yourself is great, but women aren't encouraged to improve themselves. That's why I appreciate this sub so much.

[–]zionbeers1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Coming from someone who is 25 and in a LTR-- if I hadn't met my FH when I was young, I would be exactly the same as you. I feel happy alone working on myself. Even now that I found a great guy, the perfectionism/anxiety continue (literally same things as you listed... once I get a small amount of invisalign and clear up my skin, THEN I'll feel 100% ready to get married).

If you don't want kids though, seems like there's little rush and you're doing great. Maybe think about whether your job/extracurriculars/social circle expose you to the kind of guys you'd want to be with, and adjust accorsingly if not. Then maybe something will happen naturally, and you'll be gently pulled out of monk mode versus having to really put yourself out there.

[–]kek_mate1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Coming from the opposite side of the aisle ( guy ) at around the same age and mentality. If you're at all like me, then there's never really an end to the procrastination via new intermediary objectives.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been wondering the same thing for myself! These all seem like great answers, this seems like such an encouraging community for self improvement.

[–]AnarchoNAP1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

While there is a certain minimum floor to where you should be before you start looking, you will never be perfect. Look at continual improvements a positive trait. I’m not saying to sit around talking about what you’re going to do, but if a guy sees that you are continuously working on yourself THAT will be a positive.

We can’t really tell you what you want. Just how to get what you do want. I’m unclear on if you didn’t want kids in the past or if you don’t want kids. If you do want kids you need to get going with looking for their father. If you don’t, there is less time pressure, but you still don’t want to wait until all the good guys are gone.

The main thing right now is to figure out what you want. Not just right now, but 10, 20, 50 years from now.

[–]CaptainMGTOW1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm single for half a year now, since then I invested all my time and resources in me. Started working out, going out with friends, concerts, movies etc etc. Started caring a bit more about what I am wearing and what I'm eating. Just like you I'm very comfortable in monk mode. I think that it's not a bad thing. We have to be comfortable with ourselves before bringing someone else in our lives.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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