I gave an unlikely match a chance

Kara__El · 2018-10-30T15:32:05+00:00

Men are terrible at selecting pictures of themselves. I always tried to choose someone I thought I could be attracted to, as opposed to someone immediately gorgeous. People are always surprised when I tell them there wasn't a spark when I met my husband. Well, of course not, this isn't a Disney movie. He looked like his picture and hadn't lied about his height. There was conversational chemistry and as we got to know each other, his neutral appearance became very attractive to me.

It's so hard to share this with women, here. I've tried and have often gotten the response that they shouldn't have to settle. Fine. Don't settle. Keep dating Chads and swiping right more and more desperately as you approach 30. There's a reason they say all the good ones are taken. It's because they are... by women who are able to put aside their desire for a gorgeous social media prop and get to know an actual person. Kudos to you for giving this guy a chance.

Whisper · 2018-10-30T15:11:54+00:00

Male attractiveness is almost entirely behavioral.

This is why girls look at men's personal ads and always think they are unattractive losers. Because an ad like that cannot show a man's behavioral traits.

Zegiknie · 2018-10-30T16:09:05+00:00

Play him some Heidevolk music! :-p

1savysavage · 2018-10-30T15:56:10+00:00

Be careful. Personally I’ve had the same type of experience and now I view getting into such major future topics like kids and marriage super early (first date) as red flags. My ex did that and it was just a way to information gather to use to manipulate. Not saying everyone is like that but I’m careful of anyone who is “too good” to be true. They usually are. Logic trumps emotions. Stay smart.

WhatTheEwok · 2018-10-30T16:30:09+00:00

Good on you. I'm glad you gave him a chance. Now here's something I don't agree with.

Now the challenge is making him work for it a little bit.

Ummm....why do women do this? I don't understand the game of what this is trying to accomplish.

NationalMouse · 2018-10-31T01:10:11+00:00

It CAN happen, ladies, if you are always warm and open minded about meeting people. Your story is similar to mine... I met my fiancé on Tinder. His bio was kind of boring, his pictures were very vanilla, and he had his head completely shaved, which I hate, but he did mention that he likes to travel and was 6’4” so I figured I’d at least talk to him (because that’s 2 checks on my list). Our first date? He invites me to a gala so of course I accepted! We were both dressed up to the nines and we had never even met before. As soon as I looked at him I thought, he is waaay cuter in person and his hair was grown out into a nice comb-over which I LOVE so the ugly shaved head was gone! We’ve been together pretty much ever since.

Taliahood · 2018-10-31T03:57:53+00:00

Is this what the dating up or down post was about? Lol he sounds great and super fun. I had an ex this reminds me of. An ex for religious reasons. He was an orthodox jew and I was... not. Lol. But otherwise so much fun.

suzannehatton · 2018-10-30T17:22:54+00:00

Just be careful http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/12/more-confident-he-is-less-he-likes-you.html

radioheadcreep · 2018-11-03T07:29:01+00:00

Glad you had fun... just be mindful. Passion and attraction are so important. But so is keeping true to your values. I can easily get swept up in that and ignore my gut or the red flags.

TheLaughingRhino · 2018-10-31T05:01:23+00:00

If two people are happy, then they are happy. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness or their seeking of happiness.

That being said, if one partner does not find the other person physically attractive, then I just don't see, in the long term, how it can work.

My observation and experience is if a woman feels a "vibe" with a man she thinks is physically unattractive, one of three things are going on

A) They are in a dynamic where he has massive social proof. Think an old ugly college professor and his 22 year old hard bodied beauty queen student for the semester.

B) In some way, by looks or mannerisms, he represents a proxy for the male dominant figure in her formative years ( basically a strong reminder of her father based on his features and behavior)

C) The male has some association with applied violence. It's not kosher to say, not PC, but women react strongly, with strong emotion, to men who have seen and inflicted a lot of violence. It's not something that has to be discussed, it's something many women pick up on very quietly and mostly something they can't pinpoint. I am not saying random violence, esp to women is OK. I'm also not saying these guys will suddenly start punching a woman or robbing a bank.

My guess he's triggering STRONG EMOTIONS. But this is not the same as triggering STRONG ATTRACTION. Odds are he's met you and maybe it's a transitional point in your life. It's a more polite way to say you "gave him a chance" because it's likely other options weren't exactly to the brim. And that's fine. Life is about highs and lows. The other issue is you see his status beneath yours. Which might function short term, but it's a poor pathway to actual respect. If a woman describes a man most interesting initial qualities and points out his job nearly first, that's not a pathway to real sustained attraction.

If it was me, if I knew a woman found me physically unattractive to start, I'd rather just move on to be honest. I'm sure some TRP guys, even some core guys, would take it differently or do something differently, I would just see it was a waste of my time and her time. I'm happy to share my life and experiences if I felt the other person was all in, I don't know if I'd be so down for that if she basically came to terms that she felt my status was beneath her and that she was actually doing me a favor.

"Nick, I refuse to be the goodie bag at your breakup pity party" - Norah. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist"