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RELATIONSHIPSThe Thought That Counts (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by girlwithabike

Tis the weekend before Christmas and prime gift giving time for those of us of the Christmas-persuasion. Gift giving usually means gift receiving as well and that can range from delightful to disappointing depending on your attitude and your expectations.

 

This can be a time for your femininity to shine. You can show how much you appreciate and praise his thoughtfulness. You can receive graciously with delight in your eyes and make him proud to provide for you. That’s all pretty easy when you receive something delightful but what if you open the box and it falls flat?

 

Attitude Adjustment

 

Somewhere in your childhood, you undoubtedly received at least one gift that made your face drop. Whether it was from Grandma or your weird Aunt, your mom told you to say thank you and you dutifully kissed her and said thank you, never looking at the thing again. (My uncle and his wife were good for weirdo gifts, the one that sticks out the most is a three comic book set about animal super heroes. An avid reader as a child, comics were never my thing. Worse still, he explained to me why I had to keep them in the wrapping. I was maybe 10. But I digress).

 

The “smile and thank you” strategy is good when you are 9 and it’s Grandma but it is not nearly as satisfactory when you are 29 and it’s your SO. Instead now is the time to dig deep and change your outlook on the gift. Focusing on the man giving it, rather than the object itself.

 

Reconceptualize it in your mind

  • He spent time. He cares enough to go through the rigmarole of shopping at the holidays. He took physical time out of his life to do this one thing for you. Appreciate that you were in his mind and in his plans even though you weren’t in his presence.

  • He spent mental energy. He thought about you, picked something he knows about you and chose this gift. Maybe it’s not to your taste or liking, but that doesn’t mean that there is no effort behind it. Love him for the effort and view the item as a representation of that effort.

  • He spent resources. We all like being doted on at least a little. It’s a warm feeling to know that a man can and will provide and take care of us. Gifts are a physical manifestation that you are worth spending money on to him. No matter how well off a guy is, he could be spending those resources on himself, but instead, he’s spending on you. You must be special and he wants to show you that.

 

Even if you hate what is under the wrapping paper, you can chose to be delighted by the man who gave it. Let your eyes shine for him as you graciously thank him and truly mean it.

 

Wishing you all a long weekend of food, friends and family. Merry Christmas!!


[–]notanempath40 points41 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve been having really bad nightmares for a while now that I’ve told my captain about. He started a job that works with indigenous people a week before and one of the elders made him a dream catcher as a thank you present for one of the projects he created. I had no idea about this until my birthday when he gave me the dream catcher as a present with a note that said “I hope this fends off dreams of your fears until you conquer them yourself”.

Personally I don’t believe in spirits and stuff so I would never care for a dream catcher but the gift was so thoughtful I could not stop smiling for the life of me.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars15 points16 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Can I just pop in here to brag a teeny bit please?

My husband just presented me with a surprise early Christmas gift. (We had agreed not to do gifts, but he was clear that no reciprocation was expected)

It was a bottle of this gin which is sold out in lots of places and that I couldn't bring myself to spend the money on myself, but desperately wanted. (It is distilled THROUGH Christmas pudding!).

We had a lovely afternoon drinking G&Ts in the garden. I am a very lucky woman!

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That looks yum. I love that it sets up an afternoon together too.

And as an aside to your bragging: we don't do gifts either but it took a few years for us to both really hold to that. Some years I feel like it's more stressful not buying anything :-P

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is delicious! I keep popping the cork just to take a whiff, heh!

[–]sevenfigsub2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m coming over

[–]Irishcanary0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This Gin looks amazing. You are one lucky girl.

[–]Irishcanary4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We are going Skiing for a week. My birthday is at the end of January. For my Christmas and Birthday presents he got me a ski suit. It is not really romantic but I will get use out of it and have it for years.

[–]g_e_m_anscombe5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My husband has basically given up on gifts because I’m “too hard to shop for.” I started telling him exactly what I wanted (a stainless steel skillet, a vacuum cleaner, etc.) and then he started saying that the gifts I wanted didn’t count because they weren’t “real” gifts. Even when I told him exactly what I wanted, he would forget to buy it in time. Then he would feel guilty about having not bought it, too guilty to go out and do it himself.

I have given up on expecting any gifts from him for birthdays / holidays. Now I inform him of what I want and will be buying for myself. My captain has too much stuff with work on his plate anyway. There’s no need to stress him out with additional expectations around the already stressful holidays.

I’m just hoping that someday I can persuade him that thoughtful, practical gifts are just as real of gifts as the expensive, stereotypical stuff his mother wants...

[–]valkyriesong1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mine just bought me an early present that included a beanie, gloves, and gator neck. It’s super practical, but one of the best and most thoughtful gifts because I have anemia and I’m always cold.

I absolutely agree with you that practical gifts can sometimes be the best gifts you receive.

[–]that_other_person11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My family has always done wishlists, so my husband is just in on the wishlists for everyone in the family. I decide what to get for the family (since his family lives in another country, we decided to only exchange gifts when we're there). But he communicates with my family what they got for me so he knows what to get for me. We did a similar thing with my wedding And engagement rings. I picked them out, because I will have them for life and no one but me could pick my ideal one, though I know I would have liked what he got me if we went the traditional route.

I understand the sentiment of surprise gifts and one should be grateful, but at the end of the day for me it can seem like toxic consumerism. If one were to get something one won't use, then it is ultimately more clutter and garbage.

[–]Hammocknapping3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Honestly, I kind of pity women who have decided gifts is their love language. But, even more than that I pity their husbands, because that much be a such a burden.

I’m thankful that we don’t put pressure on ourselves to get gifts and instead just buy things throughout the year when we want or need them.

I would hope that other women could see that the best gift is a loving husband and that material items are not the reason for the season.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As a counterpoint, gifts are my love language (it's not something you choose, really). But the gifts don't have to be expensive or complicated to be meaningful. Notes, flowers from the garden, fancy cheese when it's marked down, an interesting postcard, a pretty rock... I love physical tokens, but it's not about the worth of the items - it's about thought and care made tangible.

[–]suzannehatton0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love it. Merry Christmas! Xxxxx

[–]kombucha_queen0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

My love and I exchanged gifts last night, and he had bought me a very pretty shirt...that unfortunately didn't fit right. I tried to tell him as gently as I could that while I loved the color and style, it didn't fit me right at all so I would go try on some other things to see if they fit better. He seemed really sad about it and thought that I would love the color, which I agreed with wholeheartedly but the fit wasn't right. I went into the store to get a new shirt today and when I showed him he was still under the weather about it. I don't know how I could've handled it any better than I did. Anyone else ever gotten a gift that was nice but wasn't exactly right? I wasn't mean or sinister about it, but he takes it very personally no matter how much I reassure him.

[–]g_e_m_anscombe2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He probably has a slight complex about gift giving, especially if he can’t ever quite seem to get it right. Your reaction -even if nice - touched on an area where he is deeply self-conscious. He needs positive reinforcement.

You could have accepted the gift and waited a few days before telling him the fit was not optimal. At that point, he might have been more receptive to feedback, like how it’s really hard to gift clothing to women because of fit. Alternatively, you could have really emphasized how good he was at picking the color and pattern by tailoring it, exchanging for an identical larger size that could be tailored, or having it made into something you would use like a scarf.

[–]loneliness-inc0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well said!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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