33 years old. Never had girlfriend. Socially isolated. (self.asktrp)

submitted by abcaaron


I'm currently 33 years old and have never had a girlfriend. I literally have payed hookers for hugs, kisses and sex. For the last 12 years I have been living in social isolation and before that I was no star in social situations either. In short: I basically lived inside a prison of my own making with the exception that inside a real prison you might get a beating now and then.

Depression and social anxiety are no strangers to me. And I'm sure there are other psychological consequences that I'm not fully aware about.

On a daily basis I struggle with just being outside. There are girls everywhere. And I am extremely desperate and frustrated. I want to make some sort of contact, but I can't. Hiding away has been my life for the last 12 years. Literally waiting for the day to end, so I can sleep and don't have to think about my situation for 8-9 hours while sleeping.

My social skills are almost non existant. I do not have family or friends. Weirdly enough I do not really desire male friends. Desperation for some female contact has taken over any other desire. It has become the one and only thought on my mind, for every waking moment. I am aware this is not healthy.

I tried professional help against all my better judgement. It's not an option. Many reasons for it. No point in explaining those reasons.

I am aware that girls do not make my life suddenly be better. I do not expect that.

My biggest problem is that I have no clue on how to meet girls. Cold approaching is a big topic on this part of Reddit. However, I cannot for the hell of it imagine myself doing this stuff in my current situation. I have social anxiety and even looking in the direction of a girl can freak me out. Talking is even harder. And I really wouldnt know what to say anyway. All openers seem weird to me. Even saying 'hi' seems inappropiate and weird in many cases. (Im not from USA, just to make that clear)

I have been thinking about cold approaching for years now. I get stuck on the question of where I would even make my first attempt. Let alone try to say a single word. I just don't think it is "normal" or if it is, I cannot even imagine it in my head.

Join a club or get a hobby is what is said on some places. What club? What hobby? Where to find those things? I do not know this. I really do not. I might be stupid. It is frustrating. What kind of club or hobby can someone like me join to get a chance at a girl? No point in joining a chess club.

I tried online dating. Send hundreds of messages, tried different things. Those girls don't even bother sending something back and if they do I have no clue on what to say to make them send a second message. Waste of time. I guess I have to spend a year in the gym before having any chance at all. Statistics say plenty of couples meet eachother on dating sites. Is this bullshit or am I missing something?

Just getting a single date would be a massive win for my situation. It would show me that at the very least there is some hope.

One of the main reasons for living in isolation for this long is my desperation and frustration involving girls. This problem needs to be handled. It needs to be handles as quickly as possible. Everytime I try to change my situation I eventually end up running back to my "little prison". A person can only have a certain amount of willpower. Spending years on first doing other things before going after girls is just not possible. I give up much sooner than that.

Ideally I would like to find some "quick and dirty" solution just to keep motivation up. Something to lower the desperation temporarily, so I can focus on a long term strategy without burning away all my willpower. However, there might not be such a solution. I don't know.

It cannot be rocket science.

[–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor 19 points20 points  (3 children)

If you don't have any experience with men (and even if you did have experience), please do yourself a favour and avoid Tinder. While it is possible to find longterm commitment there, it is highly unlikely. People use Tinder to hook up. More often than not, if a longterm commited relationship arises, it's more fluke than planning. And I say this as someone who met her boyfriend on Tinder. Avoid it.

As to your current situation, he is contacting you again because he's interested in sex. That's it. Whether or not you're his second choice is irrelevant, because more than likely you're one of multiple choices that will be discarded quickly and easily when you fail to provide what he's looking for.

If you want to find dates using apps, I would recommend something like OkCupid instead, where you can specify that you're not into short-term relationships or one night stands, and where you can choose to only contact men who have listed similar preferences.

[–]veganbjjgirl 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Thanks for your advice! A friend of mine met her boyfriend on Tinder too and they're engaged now. But I think you're probably right that that's not most cases.

[–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Congratulations to your friend! :)

And yep, I'm not going to say it's impossible to find a serious relationship through it, but if that's genuinely all you're looking for, you're just making it harder for yourself when you'll be surrounded by people who aren't specifically looking for the same thing as you. Some of them may be open to it, some of them may even have a serious relationship as their main goal. But these people are going to be surrounded by a plethora of others whose only interests are sex.

[–]veganbjjgirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I will delete Tinder. I think OkCupid isn't used much in my country but I will give it a try :)

[–]rosaliegreenleaf 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Even if his intentions are not only sex (but sounds like he's only looking for that) I would avoid getting involved with someone that has a recent breakup.

Next him, and avoid Tinder.

Best of luck

[–]veganbjjgirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your advice :)

[–]JJ33142 Star 3 points4 points  (3 children)

OP, although it takes more than being sexually inexperienced to be a quality woman, your relative inexperience in this area actually raises your relationship market value. You wont hear this from most men and women, so be mindful of this fact, and don’t throw yourself to the dogs. I would advise that you dump this guy, and seek out a mid to late 20s aged man, but if possible in a more conservative or religious setting, as the percentage of men who are likely to respect and cherish your inexperience will be higher (though you will still have to vet for character and chemistry, there are no guarantees). As an alternative, perhaps you can use online dating to find a relatively more traditionally minded man, if going through explicit religious channels isn’t your thing. I agree that a man closer to your age will be less likely to be serious about a long term commitment. I can’t say waiting till marriage will be easy, if that’s your goal, but you should be choosy about character. Better to go for a guy that’s a 7 in looks, but is of demonstrable good character and integrity, than to go for a 9 who’s a piece of trash.

Your post suggests that you have a straightforward and honest approach to relationships. You expect men to have integrity, and you presumably do not have a history of betraying male trust either, so you deserve better than what this guy is offering.

[–]veganbjjgirl 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice and encouragement!

I agree with what you say about character, and to be honest looks don't really matter to me. I've noticed several times when I thought a guy was very attractive when I first met him, but when I got to know his (bad) personality I was not attracted to him at all anymore, not even physically. And I've noticed the same thing the other way around.

To respond to what you say about finding a more traditional man: I'm not religious, my parents are atheists, but I've listened to a part of Jordan Peterson lectures on the Bible. This, amongst other things, sparked my interest in it and I'm planning to finish all the lectures and maybe even go to church one time and see how I feel about it. I'm wondering what you mean by going through explicit religious channels? Do you mean going to church and socializing with people there or are you referring to something else?

[–]JJ33142 Star 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Some religious groups culturally try to assist their members finding people to date and potentially marry. I can’t say amongst the various religious groups how prevalent this is. Orthodox Jews have a strong formal, and informal, ethic of matching up singles. Some Mormons and Christians are the same way, but I suspect it’s the more religious congregations that do this. While people can tell horror stories about blind dates, if you have someone who actually tries to set you up with someone who is in the ballpark, after knowing of your interests and values it narrows the playing field considerably compared to what people do in general society. I think some of the online dating sites, like eHarmony, tried to accomplish this, by pairing people up according to values and interests, but sites like Tinder supplanted them in popularity because they cater primarily to people’s animal instincts.

I’ve listened to Peterson a fair amount and think he’s great. One perspective of his that resonates with me (but that I had already adopted from a college teacher years ago) was the importance of a person focusing on obligations and not just rights. He seems to feel that a lot of the young men who attend his lectures are thirsty to hear discussions of this sort. I hope he’s right, and is successful, as it seems like he’s becoming a surrogate father to many young men. As you explore your religious questions, I would encourage you to seek out a man who actually thinks he has moral duties in this world. While many red pill men have soured on this idea, particularly WRT to marriage, marriage does work pretty well if both parties approach the relationship primarily as givers.

[–]veganbjjgirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for explaining! I agree it's important to look for someone who has this mindset, thanks for your advice!

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Looking back, I think I missed some signals here (not sure if he meant come to his house to have sex?)

Yes. This question means "do you want to come have sex with me". You answered affirmatively so he took it as a sign you were into him and so he escalated to physical contact (kissing you).

some vague explanation saying they just wanted to try again but it didn't work out

I'd be wondering if he was still with his ex more than if you are his second choice.

[–]veganbjjgirl 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Thank you :)

He told me that it's over with his ex, do you think I should take his word for it or should I be wary? How would you proceed?

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I think it sounds like you have a lot of doubts about him and that might be enough reason to trust your gut and cut your losses.

There is nothing wrong if he's seeing other people while you guys get to know each other, so if he is casually dating his ex and casually dating you then you can proceed slowly. If you start seeing signs that he's cheating on her, then you should cut your losses. If they broke up then they broke up. The fact that he's vague, while entirely within his rights, gives me pause is all.

I wouldn't worry so much about being a second choice unless you can't stop feeling insecure about it. If it makes you feel insecure then you are likely to do things in a relationship that may not be in your best interest (like sleeping with him before you are ready to make yourself feel secure).

started talking in a different tone of voice

He dropped his voice and started talking low and quietly yes - and it made your panties a little wet to hear? That's his bedroom voice and it's almost certainly something he knows he's doing to you. That doesn't mean it's not genuine, but it's very likely intentional.

Do you plan to sleep with him? If not then don't go back to his house. Are you a virgin? Is he aware of your inexperience?

[–]veganbjjgirl 0 points1 point  (2 children)

On one hand I think he's being honest, because why would he lie now if he was honest before? On the other hand I feel pretty dumb about missing signs and this has me thinking that maybe I'm missing some more.

I'm a virgin and I don't plan to sleep with him if we're not in a committed relationship. I want to wait several months at least. He knows I have never had a boyfriend but I haven't told him I'm a virgin. I'm thinking maybe I should just straight up tell him that I'm looking for something serious and if he's not then no hard feelings but I'm not the girl for him. Do you think this is a good idea?

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yes, I think that would be a good direction to go.

My gut reaction is to get away from this guy, but I tried to hedge a bit because we're only seeing him through your eyes. It certainly sounds like he wants you for sex and I'd be surprised if he wanted more than that. He is probably assuming your virginity and that may be what brought him back to you in the first place.

[–]veganbjjgirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your advice! I will be honest with him when/if he reaches out again and probably stop our contact after that, depending on his reaction.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it sounds like his ex was willing to put out for a few months, then stopped, and he had you as a receptive plate and replacement hookup. You sound vulnerable and he sounds skeezy.

Glad to hear you're deleting Tindr. Not a place for newbies. Try match.com or OKCupid. Or just get some hobbies and meet a nice guy while doing those. You're young, and I assume reasonably attractive/healthy. You have lots of options.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I feel some women who are naturally very submissive and giving may be best suited to date a man who's naturally more considerate and gentle (or at least, a man from whom they evoke considerate and gentle behavior).

Other women who are naturally quite feisty and temperamental may, for lack of a better term, require a firmer hand. I certainly count myself in this latter group. It sounds like maybe you're in the former?

[–]veganbjjgirl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes that makes sense, I would probably count myself in the former group. Thanks for your insight!

[–]PhaedrusHunt 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Oh wow. You sound so sweet. Listen, I was in a similar situation from the other side years ago. I was 24 going in 25, and had already been married and divorced and had slept with quite a few women.

I was working in a restaurant with a young woman, 19 or 20. We had mutual friends outside of work. Her last day of work she told me she liked me.

We started dating. She was a virgin. We dated for like three months, lots of making out, never had sex. Now of course this was very frustrating for me obviously, but I never cheated on her and I waited. She eventually broke up with me, but we still hadn't had sex.

Now look, I'm basically a Chad. Not trying to toot my own horn, just making a point. It's very easy for me to find attractive women to have sex with. But I was willing to shelve it for her because she was just that cool.

If you're looking to play your cards right and get married as a virgin, I agree tinder is not the best place.

Good for respecting yourself, and good luck.

PS this guy ONLY wants to fuck you. Move along

[–]veganbjjgirl 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thanks for your perspective! To be honest, I obviously knew there are people who just want to date to hook up, but for some reason never actually considered I would attract those people or that the people I met up with were like that. I can't really relate to those people and assumed I would be able to tell quite clearly if someone was like that. Unless someone was actually super straight forward about just wanting sex I just assumed the best (that they wanted to date seriouslu) but clearly this is not how it works. I deleted Tinder and will try to pay more attention to what guys' intentions and if they're not direct about it.

[–]PhaedrusHunt 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I just noticed your screen name. I would suggest you meet someone from the BJJ Community or some other health oriented community. I've been doing BJJ for years and I find that there are a lot of decent people in it. Veganism I'm not so sure though. I don't fully trust someone that can't enjoy a steak ;)

[–]veganbjjgirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a good idea, thank you! Haha :p you're probably just joking but I've thought about that a lot actually. I'm vegan myself and the values most vegans hold are important to me, but in spite of that, a lot of vegans I know have terrible attitudes. I would rather date someone who has different values than me or struggles to change their habits but is open minded and respectful, than someone who has the same values but is militant, has a bad temper, strongly identifies with their diet and wants to debate everything until you completely agree with them. Thanks for your replies :)

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star 1 point2 points  (1 child)

by seeing how far he can go, which is not something a noble man would do.

Quick tip, "nobel men" don't avoid trying to have sex with women. You need to get that idea out of your head that if a man tries to kiss or have sex with you that he is not "nobel". All that means is that he is confident. Every man that asks you out wants to fuck you. I think you're looking for religeous men, not nobel men.

And your first kiss is when you're 20 years old from a Tinder date? You should go out and meet people in the real world.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Quick tip, "nobel men" don't avoid trying to have sex with women.

True. But they generally don't kino escalate a girl they hardly know and try to get her back to their apartment on what is essentially a second date. That's straight-up player behavior trying to get laid.

[–]lespetiteschoses 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup he's just looking to get laid. Move along.

[–]cinemadoll137 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don't date much, do you?

He just wants sex. You don't want that. Leave.

[–]PetuniaBunghole 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I'm reading through the lines here that this guy is probably openly dating. Maybe the best thing you could be doing in this situation is also openly dating.

If you have a few dates on your calendar besides him, you won't be as worried about being his second choice. He's inviting you to his house but hasn't shown any particular commitment. He sounds normal, but not invested. He sounds like he likes you, but not particularly better than other women. I wouldn't write him off for casual dating in public places, but I wouldn't go to his house for sex. If you go to his house for any other reason, he'll think it's for sex, so just don't go to his house. I also wouldn't hang any hopes on him.

But it's good to get out there and meet people. Keep it up. Listen to some of the good advice in the replies here. Use non-Tinder ways of meeting people. Don't be afraid to enforce your boundaries. Good luck.

[–]veganbjjgirl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your advice and encouragement!