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I am a well regarded expert on technology, well published in major publications and generally do decent work.

However today a woman just remarked offhand "Nothing You Say Has Any Substance".

I'm assuming it's a problem of frame and confidence since I still am quite a beta though working on myself a lot.

What's the problem you think and how can I improve what I say


[–]Blackhawk2479145 points146 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

The problem is you caring about an off-hand comment from a woman.

The solution is probably to talk less - open your mouth only when you’ve something worthwhile to say.

[–]jackandjill226 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Probably the things that you talk about are dry & boring. Girls don't give a fuck about libertarianism or abstract technical subjects. You're used to being around people you relate to objective topics girls on the whole are not like that.

  • There's a quote by Nicholas Nassim Taleb, "I went to a tech conference one time to see if there were some intellectuals that I could relate to, I quickly realized that the smart people here completely lacked charm & for the most part related to objects rather than people."

That's you. No amount of technical journals or academic acceptance is going to change that.

[–]jagdecat[S] 14 points15 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Nothing I say is ever worthwhile I think . It's not just her comment

[–]Blackhawk247961 points62 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This comment and the first paragraph of your original post can’t both be true can they.

You’ve provided zero context for her remark, but I’d still say let your expertise and quality of work do the talking and say less verbally.

[–]dingleburry_joe42 points43 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Wolves do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep

[–]flatbushwick7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

What if you aren’t a wolf, but a sheep?

[–]inspiredshane46 points47 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sheep do not concern themselves with the opinions of grass.

[–]yamtal8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's for you to decide. Sheep is not bad by the way, especially with salad on the side

[–]botrickbateman-3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Salad Bars.


I'm a bot

[–]glenthedog0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then you would

[–]dingleburry_joe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Than you are fucked and dunno what to tell you. If you aren’t a wolf than fucking kill one and wear it’s face on top of your head

[–]beachbbqlover5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your job is to make that statement false. Not by freakishly and abruptly changing but by just watching yourself for a while and making small gradual adjustments to be somewhat more laconic.

[–]SelfUnmadeMan1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you've got a self-esteem issue.

Your words are worthwhile, and if you don't think so you've got some self-exploration to do.

It sounds like this woman was unimpressed. Perhaps she was not speaking the same language you were? In any case, you should not be judging yourself based on some trivial external measure. Best to assume she is mistaken (after all she is not the sole arbiter of value in the universe--that's your job) and move on.

[–]iFunnyPrince31 points32 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Either you're an overly chatty person (casual conversation-wise) and she doesn't like that, or she just doesn't like you. Either way, who the hell cares what some random chick thinks? If you don't care about them, you shouldn't care what they think about you, that's my Golden rule :)

[–]jagdecat[S] -5 points-4 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I am concerned because it's probably what the world thinks too. She just casually said it out loud. I'd like to.improve on that in future.

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire223 points24 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

"It's probably what the world thinks."

does not compute with the facts you stated:

"I am a well regarded expert on technology, well published in major publications and generally do decent work."

Obviously people more important than "some woman" think what you say has substance, because you have a job, are recognized as an expert, publish, and do decent work.

Yet you are concerned about the non-expert, vague, assholish comment of one woman?

What she said, is simply not true. She's just an asshole because she's rude. What she said is an act of aggression and nothing more. You care because she has a vagina, and maybe you are attracted to her. Also, maybe you are worried she will influence the opinions of other women.

When women are nasty to you, don't supplicate, just look at them like they have four heads and disengage. Stop giving them attention in the future. Interact with them only on an as needed basis. Stick with people (men and women) who give you positive interactions.

Also, that you would care reveals that you would benefit from studying Cognitive Behavioral Thinking, because what you are writing evidences distortion in your thinking. One person's opinion is suddenly world opinion? Come on!

[–]adonis_syche1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

When women are nasty to you, don't supplicate, just look at them like they have four heads and disengage. Stop giving them attention in the future. Interact with them only on an as needed basis.

I agree wholeheartedly with all you've said. Just curious if you would advise the very same thing regardless of the relationship you have with the concerned woman. For instance, if that woman is your manipulative mother but you still care about her since she brought you up. Or the advise only pertains to women who mean very little to you?

Thanks & Cheers :)

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire22 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

My relationship with my mother dramatically improved when I started calling her out on her bullshit. I still love my mother, but she's psychologically abusive because of her childhood. She has a good heart, and comparatively speaking, she was and is a good (though far from ideal) mother, but you cannot take a lot of what she says seriously, because too much of it is driven by emotion and a need to create drama, so you basically have to have boundaries, and enforce them, meaning if she starts being nasty, you have to call her out on it, but more importantly, not react to it emotionally, rather, viewing it more as a childish outburst from a childish person.

More problematically is if you have a female boss or manager is who irrational. In a corporate setting, I have had good and bad experiences. In a blue collar setting, mostly bad experiences. All you can do is bide your time until better opportunities arise, otherwise they will just get you fired.

[–]adonis_syche0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

DUDEEE!!! Our mothers are so damn similar! Her father leaving the family, abusive older sister of hers and that tough upbringing in that age (80s). Even mine has a good heart and gave her best. But yes, I am calling her out on her bullshit and that is seeming difficult at first, hopefully she'll ease into it. Umbilical cord never seems to go away it seems, just stays on.

I'd not bother you much to elaborate on how you deal with your mother. But would be grateful if you someday make a post about it, if time ever allows.

thanks for that additional corporate environment advice btw.

Have a great new year :)

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire24 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

  1. I don't let anything she says impact how I view myself;
  2. I recognize that much of the negative things she says is a reflection of her bad attitude, bad self-control, inability to cope with negative feelings, and not based on any objective reality;
  3. If she attacks, I attack back promptly, but not maliciously;
  4. I don't hold grudges;
  5. Capitulating to her attacks only makes things worse; counterattacks consist of ridiculing the attack, or attacking her directly; this means teasing, pointing out flaws in her behavior; it's not about who is right, it's about protecting yourself from psychological attacks, so I'm not trying to "win," I'm trying to stop the attack and deter future attacks, not make my mom cry.

[–]adonis_syche2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Some times the timing of the awesome advices I get on reddit amazes me. I wish you a really amazing life ahead! Thanks a ton man! I was in a really pickley dilemma and you've helped me out immensely with your insight! Thanks Thanks Thanks! And Cheers!

[–]Endorsed Contributormonsieurhire20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, thank you. I hope it works out for you. Cheerio! : )

[–]Rkingpin21 points22 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If one comment like this has shaken your entire frame so deeply you have much work to do.

Start with building a higher self-esteem. Lift, dress well, meditate, achieve your goals.

Command yourself and maintain it in your head that you're the man.

[–]jagdecat[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I have been lifting for 4 months now. Lost about 45 KG overall . Dress is okay nothing to talk about. Meditation daily but mind is busy still.

How do you get high self esteem. Mine is low . I'm confident about nothing in life cept when it comes to my work

[–]AP_Jack1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What I like to think about is self. I take a second to be mindful of myself and the fact that the only person I will be with the rest of my life is me.

With that being said I regard self as the most important thing, if you're not taking care of yourself you're lacking, if you're not doing worthwhile shit you're lacking. For you, it sounds like you're both taking care of yourself and doing worthwhile shit.

Take a second to realize there are billions of people in the world. Lots are probably superior to you, however, lots are inferior as well. I like to make it a game to see what limit I can reach for superiority. How can I make myself a better man? That strive everyday for improvement naturally increases my self esteem, confidence and overall wellbeing.

If you get a day where you've got some time look into magic mushrooms. If you're not against psychedelics give them a try (PLEASE RESEARCH FIRST). More often than not they yield me positive spiritual experiences and make my mind very uncluttered and at peace for a couple of weeks (:

Good luck fixing your self esteem mate. It isn't easy but remember - neurons that fire together wire together. The more that you think you're the man and the more you genuinely believe that you're confident and have self esteem out the ass the easier it will become to actually feel that way.

Edit: I wanted to throw in the fact that if you take anything that anybody says to heart such as, "Nothing you say has any substance ", you're allowing someone (whom, if you're doing trp shit, is probably inferior to you) to dent your armor. You're allowing them to hurt yourself which I established as the most important thing to a man. If you think about this logically it makes no sense; why would you let one of billions walk on you with words? Hit that bitch with the "thanks for the criticism!" and cook up another article that YOU think has substance.

[–]alphatom630 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are the prize, act like it. Seems like you are either well-known and respected, but can't function properly, or you aren't as respected as you made it seem in the post.

If you are well known and respected, then you need keep in mind how high of a value you are as an individual, and compare it to these chicks. Once you realize how much better you are you can be cocky and act like you are the shit, because you are the shit.

If you aren't as well known and respected as it seems, become more well-rounded. Hit the gym, and hit it hard. Do powerlifting and bodybuilding style training and take it seriously. Research it in your free time. Live in the gym, even if you aren't at the gym. Basically make yourself the shit. You now have a solid job, a six pack, beefy arms, and it's impossible to not be confident with that.

[–]SaucySasquatch0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you truly lost ~100 lbs in 4 months? How could you have low self esteem?

[–]jackandjill220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's not the problem.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hmm. She was probably referring to herself, unknowingly.

[–]Je_suis_throwy6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Magic Power of Projection :D

[–]unorthodoxcowboy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. That’s something someone said to her, and now she’s stabbed him with it.

[–]mrpthrowa5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow what a spineless frameless wuss. One small shit test comment from a woman and you're questioning your entire existence.

[–]DatingTank6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Maybe what you're talking about is boring af and completely void of emotion and passion

[–]jagdecat[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Correct. I'm not good with conversations and what people called social intelligence. Any ways I can learn to do better?

[–]KilluaKanmuru6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah. Read Improv(e) Your Conversations by P.E King. It gives you exercises too that you can practice towards the end.

Read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Build that armoured chill.

Learn the art of storytelling. Comedy is great for this.

You must seek social interactions and invest time hanging out and talking to people everywhere you go. It's a skill just like spending hours in the lab. Experiment. Lose your fear and reframe it as curiosity. As the stoics will tell ya, you must learn what's worth allotting all of your fucks to.

If you're serious, meditation can take you deeper than you can imagine. I think for you particularly, you'd benefit from metta meditation. It's about loving kindness. If you're in a state of love and gratitude all the time then you're pretty much unassailable. Meditation can completely transform your life. Go to the sidebar over at stream entry.

Look up interviews with Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube. He's doing amazing work in inhabiting the true power of our minds. Those who master their minds are very few in this world. Seek to master it as you seek to master your body. Speaking of which, I'd look into calisthenics in regards to mastering your body. Calisthenics coupled with weights will have you armored up swiftly -- that is if you eat well. Diet is extremely important. So is sleep(7 hours minimum) So is your water intake, a gallon minimum.

Also, realize a woman will say pretty much gahdamn anything. Don't let it phase you. Like seriously women say the darndest things. You must know your truth and embody it. When they shit that's not of your frame or what you value that shit becomes laughable.

[–]1z1z2x2x3c3c4v4v0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure, read this book a few times:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People

Seriously. Its old but spot on.

[–]CaptainBW1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn. I have literally never been told that by a woman. Here’s what you do: 1) stop caring about what random bitches have to say. 2) Say things with substance...which for a woman means...being in touch wif ur feeeeelingzzz. You know what I mean. Start your sentences off with a lot of “I feel like ___” and you should be good lmao.

[–]CyJackX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What was the context of this?

Was she referring to your work publications or your personal dialogue?

It's possible if everything is merely factual statements, which would be uninteresting.

[–]BlackFire681 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You could spend a huge amount of time trying to understand/interpret her frame (get on the hamster wheel yourself). Perhaps she meant that your statements don't add additional value beyond the data. Perhaps she meant that, psychologically, your statements don't make her feel any better. Perhaps she meant that your statements don't add to a body of existential / philosophical knowledge that promotes/develops critical discourse.

Or you could stay in your frame and do your thing.

[–]IceColdHell1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have to say she’s right.

However, use her words against her.

You shouldn’t care about external noise. Only listen to your instincts.

Stop trying to please and control all external entities. You only have power to control and please your self.

[–]general_landur1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like impostor syndrome. You'll have to actively and constantly think that you're good enough, it's not as bad as it's being made out to be.

Your close friends or family would be able to tell better if you're really what you think.

[–]account_for_rel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Learn storytelling skills.

You can convey substance in most trivial things, if you know how to tell a story.

You seem to have a lot of knowledge. And you expect the girl to digest with her logical brain, where she is digesting it with emotional brain, and not feeling anything. But thats just my guess.

[–]hot_soup191 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't understand this.

When you know a something technical, you know it. You may be uncomfortable with areas on the edges, and the massive amount that you know you don't know, but you should still know what you know. Are you talking about things you don't know? If you talk to this woman about technical things that you know about, and she says that there is no substance, then you should know that she just doesn't understand, and it shouldn't bother you. Are talking to this woman in generalities about things that you don't really know about?

I also work in an area where there are people that have their names on publications, but having your name as an author on a publication might mean : I was assigned the actual work by the people/person that knew what they were doing.

I am a well regarded expert on technology

I'm very confused by this statement. No one is a 'well regarded expert on technology'. This sounds like something an HR person would think about an IT person. It sounds like something a 60 year old executive would look for, an 'expert on technology'. It sounds like something basic bitch Tina, who only knows how to use her iPhone apps, believes.

In fact I would argue that this very post is very light on substance. I have no clue what you do or what you know or what level your expertise is. I have no idea what 'generally do decent work' means, or why it would even be included as it can't be substantiated, at least easily.

[–]jagdecat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Gold comment. This is exactly the problem.

[–]xgozax1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you’ve heard this before maybe try working on doing more things that will make your stories interesting that you actually enjoy, watch some stand up specials, try something new separate from women, just work on yourself. If you haven’t heard this before then maybe she just didn’t vibe with you and forget about it.

[–]frequentlywrong2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Why did you not engage with her to clarify what she said? Anyone who has been arguing online long enough knows that eventually the argument boils down to people defining the meaning of words entirely differently in their heads. So getting all flustered by a comment from a woman is silly. 95% of what women say is stupid anyway and can be ignored.

[–]daymi0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Why did you not engage with her to clarify what she said?

Hell no. Do not engage rationally with a woman. Nothing good comes from it, it's boring and wastes your time.

In this case, agree and amplify. "Yeah, I'm like a ghost! Nothing can touch me!" or "Why don't you tell me what you really think?" and chuckle and forget the inane stuff women say.

[–]frequentlywrong1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Those are all inane replies. Letting her explain herself will give amble opportunity to make fun and turn it around on her. When someone says or does something stupid you give them rope to hang themselves on it.

[–]daymi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Those are all inane replies.

That's the point - you are holding up a mirror to her.

When someone says or does something stupid you give them rope to hang themselves on it.

It validates her unfounded opinion as something to take seriously. I wouldn't do it. I did in the past, but no more.

[–]sehns1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Need a bit more context. Was this in a work environment? Is she a colleague? Manager? Random bitch from tinder?

[–]jagdecat[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Colleague and a head in another department.

[–]Je_suis_throwy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I call envy. If there's some kind of competition going on and you outshine her, meaning she can't beat you, she needs to ridicule your results - or sabotage your confidence.

[–]I_am_Jax_account2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is it a colleague in a worthwhile department like petroleum engineering or is it a colleague in something stupid like cultural studies (aka circle jerk school)? In other words, is there reason to assume that this person is even intelligent enough to have a valid opinion about someone who excels in a real subject?

Because, if it's a colleague in some make-work, made-up field like basket-weaving, it's also entirely possible that they are too dumb to even appreciate the objective meaning of what you say.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck. That. Cunt.

No seriously. Fuck that Cunt.

The solution is to not care what she thinks.

Problem solved.

Next

[–]Jsieijejeieokkd0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Socrates said, “ The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing.”

As an Expert myself that often challenged that’s what I say in response. More than that I try to live it. I am always curious and try to learn more. The way she said it it’s like a shit test respond in kind.

[–]TheBunk_TB0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Scream "CUNT!!!"

[–]EddTheEdducator0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Look at you man, squirming at offhand comments made by women. If your successful in your career, have hit the gym consistently for the past 4 months and lost 45 kg take some damn pride in yourself.

Stop concerning yourself with the opinions of sheep and your words will carry a lot more substance.

[–]buttgoogler0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Who gives a fuck about what a woman says?

It's ironic because most trp-aware folks know that you should never listen to what a bitch says, but watch her actions.

[–]mr-satan0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

What's the problem you think and how can I improve what I say

If you talk anything like you type, I’d want to kill myself just chatting with you too 😂

First, this bitch probably wipes patients asses or makes sandwiches at Subway for a living. Who is she to be talking?

Second, you need to remind this bitch that women are terrible storytellers and that you have to lead the conversation because she can’t.

Man you were in a book. Be proud of that shit and pick your shoulders up. Don’t let some floosie think she’s better than you!

[–]jagdecat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I do talk the way I chatted. :(

What is wrong with this approach and how can I improve this. Is it intrinsic or sth fixable

[–]Velebit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are probably somewhere on autistic spectrum, most of nerdy tech wizzes are. Talking to autistic women is a bore as well. They feel empty, like they are technology as well, not really human, stuff they say is like generic 'talk' code for background characters in a movie where they don't even need to act just say the lines.

The reason why nothing you say has any substance is because due to autism or whatever other thing is going on, your brain does not lead you to connect with people and what people care about, and you also lack passion and existential goals.

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

lift heavy weights asap - it will develop idgaf mentality

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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