How to keep my hypergamy in check?

FriedNotStirred · 2018-06-02T14:21:37+00:00

My husband and I are also each other’s one and onlys (been together 17 years since high school). Many people have commented that I am way out of his league. And there was a point in time (late teen, early 20s) where I started to believe it. I was awful to him when my vanity got the best of my better judgement.

In retrospect, how he held his frame up against my nonsense with such maturity, grace and kindness whilst hustling to make leaps and bounds in his career, it was HIM that was way out of my league. I realised that I had so much to learn from him as a person. He’s taught me a lot about the world. When I started to admire and respect him for the man that he was, and taking note of what he brings to the table, I realised that I was incredibly lucky to be the woman by his side. No man who’s tried to intervene could ever be on his level in my eyes.

My advice is to either truly learn to appreciate and respect him or walk away. People outside of the relationship are not the wisest people to accept advise from.

chomponthebit · 2018-06-02T13:41:50+00:00

It’s starting to annoy me that he’s going out of his own way and doing all these nice things...

Here’s the flip side: you start banging the bartender/ musician/hockey player who has all the options in the world. He doesn’t give you shit. He isn’t nice. He’s banging other women. He won’t commit and might leave you with chlamydia, or something worse that sticks around forever. Then he’s gone, and now you’re that alpha widow who can never again attract a man with such high smv - and an alpha widow can never respect the lower-smv guys she attracts afterwards.

Maybe consider how you might convert your current mate into more of an alpha (that said, DO NOT show him redpill).

Ruinedgirl22 · 2018-06-02T16:23:10+00:00

Hey, girl. I need to tell you my own story, just concise and to the point.

I swear we’re the same person. Are you 21? That’s how old I was when I dumped my first boyfriend of 5 years because I felt I could do better, because I let all the people saying I was out of his league inflate my ego.

So I dumped him. I dumped him and a month later, slept with the first hot guy who came onto me.

Let’s just get to the point. My user describes exactly what I am. I seriously don’t think I’ll EVER be happy again. I don’t think I’ll ever love or find love. Not truly.

You probably think that once you have your little “experience” with an alpha, you’d get it out of your system and be able to be happy with your amazing boyfriend again.

Nope. Just... nope. You won’t even be capable of it. Even if he wanted to get back together (which mine did) you’ll be too messed up to do it.

I’m not saying my experience will be yours. I just see WAY too many similarities.

EDIT: Oh, and not to mention you’ll have to live with the guilt of completely destroying another person (or other people because chances are more than just him will be affected.)

DelicateDevelopment · 2018-06-02T15:41:45+00:00

I’ve found myself kind of resenting him. It’s starting to annoy me that he’s going out of his way and doing all these sweet things. I think to myself “it’s not genuine. He’s doing all he can to keep me because he knows he can’t get anyone else.”

This is your thinking and your interpretation of his behavior. There are many other possible interpretations. Just think about it for some time and don't get confused with the distinction between beta and alpha. A good partner will always have both traits. He will lead in situations that require leading and he will be protective and caring in situations where he needs to.

Doing the sweet things might just show that he is appreciating to have you in his life and doing his best to make you feel comfortable as well. And trust me ;) if you were a horrible bitch, it were irrespective of your looks that you would loose him nevertheless. Looks matter, but looks don't keep anyone pleasing and thankful for five years.

Are you demanding those things? You do not blackmail or threaten him to leave if he doesn't, do you? So really, how do you come to this superficial conclusion that he just does it to keep you because he cannot do better? Do you really think that you could do better than with a partner that respects your needs and wishes and tries to lighten up your days with sweet things?

Maybe you have created that enormous amount of insecurity in him. Well, if that is so and you really want to stay with him, then stop whatever you do that causes insecurity in him.

You seem to look at it from a perspective of he is trying to please you... did you give him reason to think that he has to please you? How do you even come up with the conclusion that it is not genuine and that he is only doing those things to keep you because you are better looking? Think about it for 10 minutes and probably you will realize how silly this is ;) not what he is doing is wrong... your interpretation of it is wrong.

Do you see potential for the two of you to grow as people together? That is what you need in order to have a long lasting rewarding relationship.

Encourage his leading (more Alpha) side. He might react a bit insecure about it in the beginning, because nowadays men are told that everything in relationships should be democratic, so they feel like they are not allowed to make decision and be dominant. But all men have it in them in the same way as all women have some submissive side in them. If you let him lead, if you hand over decisions to him, he will grow into that role and maybe it will turn into something more beautiful than what you could have with anybody else.

Read the surrendered wife, much of it probably doesn't apply to you, because it doesn't seem as if your relationship is complicated, but the surrendered wife will give you some understanding about the dynamic and how you can contribute to him acting a bit more manly in your presence. To me it seems as if you perceive him as too obedient, too pleasing. Then just help him being a bit more dominant, by letting him and holding yourself back a bit more. Make his wishes the center of attention.

Almost anybody could cheat if he wanted to. There are only few people that are so utterly disgusting that they really don't have the possibility. It is all in your head... He could get you, do you really think that all other women were that superficial that they would reject a nice caring guy, even though he doesn't look perfect?

Go to the gym together, do some sports. There are really plenty of possibilities how you can grow with each other and improve... we live in a society where looks are overestimated. Reading RP at first contributes to that as well. Don't get deluded. I think you are on the right track.

out_looking_in · 2018-06-02T15:34:37+00:00

I catch good-looking guys looking at me and I find myself getting more and more curious

I’ve found myself kind of resenting him.

Sounds like you want to ride the cock carousel for a while and fuck some Chads. You can't control him but it would probably help if your boyfriend started lifting weights and being more dominant because clearly you are not attracted to him. When a woman resents her man is because she sees him as beta.

You didn't mention your age but you're probably young since you get attention from men and seem to only recently be noticing it.

Keep in mind that after about 23, your SMV will begin dropping. You probably won't notice until 25+, but by the time you hit 30 your SMV will likely be lower than his, assuming of course that he isn't super short, stays in shape, and has his career and finances in order. Your SMV is your most valuable asset. Whether you decide to stay with him or to move on, make sure you use it wisely. You can cash in now by partying and spreading your legs for men who aren't committed to you, or you can invest it into securing commitment from a man and build a relationship that will make you happy and fulfilled later in life.

girlwithabike · 2018-06-02T14:09:42+00:00

How old are you OP? It sort of makes a difference here.

red_matrix · 2018-06-02T14:27:54+00:00

I’m shocked at the advice that you’re getting! I recognize men’s and women’s brains differ, but why don’t you try thinking like a man?

Create a pro and con list to leaving him. Keep your mind open and be carefully about the negative aspects of both.

I say this because you will trade a lot of certainty for uncertainty. Maybe that’s worth it, but you should really consider what you’re giving up and what you’d gain.

DeeplyDisturbed1 · 2018-06-02T14:14:12+00:00

You will never have your hypergamy in check - any more than a decent looking man has his libido in check. It is something that you can manage, but in the long run biology tends to win. That is, of course, unless you have a strong culture that supports and helps you manage those base instincts; or a tremendous amount of self-discipline.

Assuming you are American, you will likely get nothing from our culture other than encouragement to "explore" or some other euphemism for the hedonistic version of "YOLO".

These feelings will never leave you. There are entire websites and countless other blogs, books, videos, and other resources dedicated to this aspect of the human condition. This sub is a great example of one facet of the discussion. And while those sites and blogs are growing in popularity, the far left, along with traditional media, pushing hard in the other direction. Unfortunately you are caught in the crossfire.

So, my advice. Please leave this guy before you cheat. Just end it cleanly. Do not let your feelings or empathy cloud your judgment. If you do not handle this well, I will be hearing from him on one of the other sites I visit and he will be angry, bitter, and maybe even hateful. And when that happens, no one wins.

Good luck

stacysmom40 · 2018-06-02T12:47:11+00:00

You don’t mention your age, but I’m assuming you are young. 21ish tops?

It really sounds like you’re just not that into him anymore. What you want at 16 isn’t always right for you at 21. And you will be a completely different person at 30.

I think it would be wise for you to wait until you are in your later 20s before you commit to anyone for life.

I know this isn’t the advice you want. Forcing yourself into a box that isn’t comfortable isn’t a good long term solution in my opinion.

02537-41101 · 2018-06-02T12:45:31+00:00

You don’t sound like you’re attracted to him, let alone possess any sort of respect; do yourselves both a favour and cut this loose.

I don’t imagine you’ll reconcile this emotional blockade with the justification of ‘hypergamy’ — in your case, it’s situationally untrue. So, do the right thing and talk about wanting to let this thing go.

Honey_Mommy_82 · 2018-06-06T04:07:35+00:00

It sounds like what you need is him to be more assertive and dominating. My husband finally said to me one day:

"I finally get it now. Men have a strong physical reaction to looking at a woman in a bikini. Women have a strong physical reaction to male assertiveness/leadership/dominance."

I just about smacked him and said, "DUH! Took you this long?"

My recommendation is, as others have said, keep him away from the nasty redpill groups on the internet. Ugh. Much as I'm glad ***now*** that my husband starting looking this stuff up, it messed with his head for a couple years and he was very unpleasant.

These books really helped out my husband and I recommend them to you:

https://www.amazon.com/What-Women-Want-When-They/dp/1515234045

Sex God Method:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ghqyx3c8t6bq69b/SGM.pdf?dl=0

lionliver · 2018-06-02T17:44:59+00:00

To be fair women will always get complimented more than their male partners unless the guy is way more attractive.

IsaGuz · 2018-06-02T19:37:18+00:00

First of all: you're a good person trying to do the right thing and that's good.

What you probably need is excitement. In Erin Pizzey's book "Prone to Violence", she states that some women are hooked into abusive relationships because the sense of danger before a beating felt good. And that is probably because of the adrenaline surge that went with the violence. Now, this is not your case... but it basically means you can try to cheat the system by telling your boyfriend you'd like the adrenaline boost.

More than making him an alpha, maybe you can try to become an alpha yourself, with him. Maybe you can go to the gym together? Martial arts in couples can be super sexy. If you feel like you'd like to be thrown on the bed, tell him. If you feel like you'd like to be carried away in his strong arms, tell him: you can go to the gym together, he'll get strong, you'll get an even harder ass (you seem pretty hot already).

I think the best way of defeating temptation is creating memories together. If you don't want him to do tender things, but actually, harder, more traditionally masculine stuff... Ask for it. Explain what the problem is. Odds are he'll give you what you want, as long as you're brave enough to admit what it is and tell him.

[deleted] · 2018-06-02T16:52:06+00:00

Thank you for your post. This is an example of exactly why men need theredpill.

I just witnessed a girl I work with leave her fiancee, destroying him in the process, due to branchswinging. The guy made all the "right" moves: commitment, owns a house, proposed to her, etc. She used to gush over this guy all of the time.

Once she caught a little bit of feelings for this other guy, however (who is only 18, btw), she all of a sudden dropped all feelings for her fiancee, and tossed him aside as if he never existed.

Guess how long it'll take that guy to ever trust a woman ever again?

You have the right to leave your boyfriend if you wish, for "someone hotter." Just stay aware of the risks of pursuing men who have access to multiple women because of their attractiveness. It may work out wonderfully, or you could be entering a world of hurt, and end up as a lonely, bitter alpha widow.

After leaving your boyfriend, he will never see you the same way, ever again.

wefsix · 2018-06-03T22:35:25+00:00

> It’s starting to annoy me that he’s going out of his way and doing all these sweet things.

When I find myself feeling this way, I explicitly tell the guy I'm dating to stop doing the nice thing because I am not appreciating it but rather becoming starting to feel entitled about it. In one relationship, I explicitly told them that there were aspects of Red Pill I agreed with and we should discuss it.

> People always look at us crazy. Guys sometime pull him aside and ask him how the hell he got me. My friends (who I dropped) would never stop going on about how I stooped way below my league.

I dated a very short man once. People looked at us like that. And instead of interpreting it as evidence I had made a mistake, I rephrased it to myself as evidence that I wasn't shallow, they were shallow, and I was a higher quality person than them because I valued who someone WAS rather than how they looked. This effectively made those looks/comments strengthen my commitment to the relationship and the man rather than hurting us

> “it’s not genuine. He’s doing all he can to keep me because he knows he can’t get anyone else.”

> “of course he won’t. Who would cheat with him? He would if he could.”

This is an unhealthy thought. Why are you being so mean to him your mind? Your actively sabotaging your relationship by letting your mind say things like that to you. It's one thing for those thoughts to pop up...but then you need to SHUT them down with thoughts like "That's untrue. He's never shown himself to be anything but a kind, generous man even to other men. Why am I pretending he only treats ME well? He's a great guy." or "He's firmly against cheating. He would drop a girl or guy friend who cheated on their significant other. He has standards."

Now, if the above isn't true about him...well, then, maybe you have been bamboozled a bit and he isn't that great a guy.

[deleted] · 2018-06-04T06:26:12+00:00

"Goes out of his way for me and always makes sure I’m happy. Would never even dream of cheating or leaving. However, I’ve found myself starting to wonder if I can do better than him."

what, youre problem is you are trying to hamster, dont listen to other people and take him for granted, from what i have seen, you will almost always regret it... unless hes literally going no where or putting in no effort. You wont be happy no the CC.

mewoo94 · 2018-06-04T22:27:48+00:00

If you are wondering whether you could be doing better, it is a clear sign that you can. Improve the man besides you or start stealth looking for other options while you can.

red_matrix · 2018-06-02T16:36:32+00:00

OP if your SO starting lifting weights would that make him more attractive to you? Men should all be lifting all the time, its healthy both physically and mentally, makes you look good, etc. Maybe nudge him in this direction. Guys get comfortable and kind of let themselves go and wonder why their SO left them. Have home read The Iron and The Soul by Henry Rollins.

The Iron

Also you say you're now just noticing attractive men looking at you? Come on, this has been happening your whole life the only reason you notice this now is because you're turned off by your SO and your looking to monkey branch. Hypergamy is really the failure of a man, once it kicks in that means the man has failed, and the relationship is on the rocks.

openoids · 2018-06-02T18:36:41+00:00

Have you considered the idea that you might be placing too much emphasis on the "highs" of mating? Yes...it is one of the most important decisions you ever make. But I get the feeling many people put too many of their eggs in the "coupling basket."