Have spent my life like a pendulum.
Trying at times to do the moral thing and getting naturally screwed over by women. With some cynicism after that, I moved to treating them like crap and even telling them directly "I don't know why I bother still talking to you, not like you have much to say" and yet they'd still come back like sad dogs groveling. Then, I couldn't stomach my guilt at doing that anymore and flipped back. And play that zigzag life a few times. That's me.
I've recently decided I am done caring about the world. I am completely tired of politics (used to be passionate), tired of business (just attended today an 8 hour Expo convention fake smiling to a hundred people, while wanting to die inside), tired of stupid meme shit hobbies like fooding, travelling/tourism to the Nth venue, and have even just left my gym an hour ago midway through my squat day as I just didn't care enough to hang around and do cheap flirting with the Nth yogapants, which is my motivation to complete 2h30 routines usually.
TRP was a good utility in my life, allowing me to understand how little there is to hope for in humanity. Will always vouch for it working if asked.
Yet, I simply don't see the point in living like this anymore. A treadmill of trying to be ever cooler, tell myself having a good career matters while I don't actually need more money, and tying my sense of self worth to the extent at which women with firm butts out of squatting in the gym are willing to fuck me. I can't answer to myself anymore why I live like this
I am tired of all this crap. I just want to try to live a simple Orthodox life and become a simple person that just does good without any hope of reward. I want to believe there is some way to be happy in this.
That being said, I am sure you can appreciate how bad of a predicament it can be to try to do this and still somehow hope to be married. Seeing as religious women come generally in 2 flavours, hysterical dogmatic zealot that will make your life a permanent trial, and hypocritical fake religious thot (using religion to legitimize her own sense of ego and good girl delusion while having the same whorish nature of all others), I'd like to ask you today: Is there any hope in the prospect of finding a wife that will allow me to be as kind as I'd like to be, while still being ready to be helpful enough, playful enough and loyal?
It's fine if you don't see any way for that to happen. Maybe learning how to be celibate is the one challenge ahead.
But still wanted to ask. Cheers mates.