TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

46

My husband and I are 29 and fairly fresh out of graduate school. He's been working for five years in a variety of jobs he doesn't love, but he's consistently been making 60-70k a year and now he is more or less his own boss.

I've been working part time for the past five years due to a combination of being in school and some other things, making 20-30k a year.

Lately we've fallen on some financial hard times. Not really that hard - we recently semi-bought a house and the house had about 10k of renovations to do, which we did not expect. This cut into our savings so we had to delay paying off a credit card by a couple months due to some billing issues with clients. For this reason and several others, I decided to rejoin the full-time workforce.

Our current financial issues combined with my desire to go back to work is hitting my husband's self-worth like a truck. He constantly feels bad about himself for not making more money, and he hates that I have to go back to full time work.

I'm trying to convince him that he has been carrying us for five years. FIVE years! And that people dream about a salary with job flexibility like his. If anyone caused the financial issues, it's me because I worked part time for the last five years.

This is 100% my fault, but it's like he won't allow himself to see it that way. He feels like a failure and like less of a man because money is tight right now.

How do I support him and help him out of this low self-esteem rut?


[–]Kaboomboomboomboom32 points33 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, I think a good way to start is to thank him in different ways - whenever you buy something nice thank him that you can get it, thank him for how you were able to go to school because he worked full time, etc. “I’m really glad you were there for me when xx” just slip in those kinds of phrases in :)

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Emphasis on "different ways." Ehem.

I'm sorry. You weren't gonna say it, so I had to. *shrug*

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The question you asked in your title and the question you asked at the end of your post are two completely different things, so I'll respond to each individually.

My husband feels like a financial failure... but he's not. How do I help him see this?

You can't. That's an internal issue for him with standards that you will not be able to change. Any attempts at prolonged or frequent conversations about it will only make him feel worse and will never achieve the desired effect.

How do I support him and help him out of this low self-esteem rut?

Be supportive, thankful and appreciative as usual. There's nothing particularly special that you should be doing that you shouldn't have already been doing.

Your concern for your husband is a good thing, and your appreciation is a good thing as well. You have great intentions, but you want to avoid shooting yourself in the foot here by wanting to talk about it too much or to "fix his feelings," so to speak.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

If you’re 29 years old and already own a home, you are miles ahead of many people your age, most of whom will be perpetual renters for the rest of their lives. It sucks getting hit with a huge bill for repairs, but the fact that you were able to dip into your savings to cover it (as opposed to plunging deep into debt) is, again, an indicator that you’re on track and doing well.

You can’t convince him with any argument that he’s doing well, so all you can do is demonstrate through action and attitude that you appreciate him. That means taking pleasure in your work (even if you have bad days like everyone else) and making your home a warm and comfortable place for him to be.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

but the fact that you were able to dip into your savings to cover it (as opposed to plunging deep into debt) is, again, an indicator that you’re on track and doing well.

I said this exact same thing. I'm really noting some financial dysmorphism here, at the very least on the part of the husband and maybe even a little in OP. Twenty-somethings seem to have a totally distorted view of what "doing well" in our society looks like nowadays. This couple is doing amazing. When she mentioned that there were "savings," and apparently enough to pull $10k from, that's how I already know these two are 10x better off than most people their age.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is very much dependent on your area. 29yos with a mortgage are pretty common in my state, and I wouldn't say it's particularly 'doing well'.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, if you're in a nice burb, there's definitely some sampling bias in terms of what you see around you as "doing well." I'm merely saying if you're not in debt, and have accrued a decent amount of savings, you are better off than most Americans. Let alone the rest of the world. It's something to be proud of. Upper middle class and higher folks will laugh at that, and attempt to rationalize why it's actually a crappy position to be in, but I don't believe them for a second. There's no evidence to suggest you need to be in the UMC/UC to have a good life, and in fact the data is to the contrary (v.v. well-established income/happiness curves). And as far as I'm concerned, if you're getting by, building savings, with little to no debt outside of a mortgage, you are "doing well." Obviously to each their own opinion, but I think it's fair to say. It's also fair to say many Americans are "doing well," but that doesn't take anything away from your own life if you're on track in your late 20s. Having a good life is not a competition, as much as the richer classes want to make it one.

[–]merel--4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I feel really bad for him... He is doing so great! Shit happens to everybody! I think the best thing you can do is express to him how happy you are, I don't think trying to rationalize it to him is going to help very much.

If he thinks he is an absolute loser but his wife is super happy he can't be that much of a loser. Cognitive dissonance can be used in your favour this time!

[–]plein_old2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Trying to change someone's mind about something can be interpreted as aggressive by the other person, after a while, even if it's done with good intentions. The more you let his opinions or feelings bother you, and the more you try to change him, the more danger there is of further issues developing. But if you simply try to be joyful and happy and grateful and share those feelings with him, maybe that will help him the most?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Maybe a bit off-topic, but this just made me think the social media fake lifestyle flaunting is out of control, and it's destroying the self-esteem of both men and women. Giving the average joes and janes totally wacked-out expectations of where they should be in their twenties, thirties, and beyond. I mean jesus, your husband isn't even thirty yet; and guys in their thirties are still seen as babies in most higher professions. Does he realize that? If he even kept his same salary for the next 20-30 years, you guys could be millionaires if you watch your spending and invest wisely. I really don't get what the problem is. Not making 100k? Be glad you don't have the tax bomb that six figures brings on your shoulders, not to mention the insane headaches of working a "six figure job." Harder work, more hours, more people on your back, more stress, more sleepless nights, shitty diet due to no time, and for what? A better lifestyle? Yeah, right, he's gonna have a great lifestyle making hundreds of thousands with his high blood pressure, heart problems, getting tumors cut out and a triple bypass by 50. Screw that.

Maybe my own situation will help put it in perspective. If I had the option to take a 50k BYOB job with relatively minimal stress and maximal autonomy, vs. a 500k job where I can literally feel the palpitations on a daily basis (I have already gotten to this point in my twenties during a windstorm of relationship+career issues earlier this year), I'd gladly take 50k. I say this as a guy in my mid-20s who is on track, if I do everything as prescribed, to make 3-500k by his age. And frankly, I'm jealous of his current situation. I'd trade the security of a 60k/yr autonomous job any day for the crippling debt and daily lack of assurance that I'm going to survive another year in this current gig, all for the promise that maybe one day I'll get to work my ass off even more for the big $$$. And even then I could still be hit with a liability suit and lose everything. Wonderful.

Your husband sounds like a good man. He's providing, as you want him to. But can I ask you, why is 60k not cutting it for you guys? You mentioned you had to dip into some savings for 10k, but so what? Taking it from your savings is a hell of a lot better than taking on debt. Do you really need to go back to work? Is this you saying you're going back to work, or is he telling you that you have to? What is your expense profile? Do you have kids? Are there things you could go without?

I'd really think about whether or not this is something you need to do. 20-30k is helpful, but you've got to ask yourself if it's worth it in the long run. You're going to be busy, likely have additional stress and potential drama from wherever you end up working, and this could place a weight on your partner. Speaking as a guy that already felt like Atlas with my academic duties, combined with a partner that decided to bite off way more than she could chew, I know how having my woman constantly stressed made a hell of a difference in our relationship stability. Do you feel it's worth taking that risk? Do you think, since I'm assuming this is an entry level job we're talking about, that you would end up resenting your husband for being relegated to what is likely going to be a decent amount of scut work? I'm just asking the questions, I don't know the answers. But I think these are things to consider. And I apologize if I sound presumptuous, but I'm not sure what you have or haven't thought about in relation to this issue. So hopefully I'm not overstepping.

Basically, your man sounds like he's doing fine. But speaking as a man, if my woman started to "feel like she had to go back to work" because she perceives me not bringing in enough to satisfy her, you bet your ass that's a blow to the ego. He thought he was providing, but your actions seem to be saying, "I know you've been working hard, but it's just not quite enough for me." I don't think women have the capacity to understand this aspect of the male mind. If he's wired as a provider, and he sees you going out to secure your own resources, that in effect is telling him that he has failed to provide adequately. Whether you say it gently or not, your actions speak very loudly -- you are not satisfied with the current household income, and would like more. If I could liken it to something, it's kind of like when a friend asks you to do something, and you go to do it, but you're not doing it to their satisfaction. They'll passively-aggressively say, "Ugh, it's fine, I'll just do it." And then nudge you aside and do it. You feel incompetent. You feel useless. And you genuinely did want to help. But all you ended up doing was causing problems. I think this may be how he feels. Again, this is just a stream of consciousness, and I don't mean to assume anything about you or him. Just giving my thoughts. I hope it works out for the both of you, and if you have the time, I'd love to hear a more fleshed out version of the situation, in terms of why you feel this need to work if he is providing adequately. Thanks, and best of luck.

[–]ilikethrowingthings 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this thoughtful reply! The financial issues are due to us stretching ourselves a bit for the mortgage and not fully understanding what our tax burden would be as self-employed people. I already work part-time at 20-30k a year, but I can go back to work full time in a higher position for 50-70k a year. I don’t need to, but I want to for career reasons and because the extra 40k I could make would alleviate our tax burden and pay off a year of our mortgage. I feel like it’s a no brainer for both financial and professional reasons, but obviously it would be more fun to continue working less and I think he took pride in being able to provide that for me which is why I think my decision is stressing him out.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ah ok, that clears it up. Maybe make it apparent to him that you're only doing it because you want to, then. Because, well, that's the truth, isn't it? Theoretically, if you didn't, you guys would be fine. So isn't it self-evident then that you're only doing it for your own personal career development, and that the money is just a helpful bonus? This brings an interesting question to mind as well: would you still work if he was making twice as much to cover what would otherwise be "your end" of the income? Maybe that's where his frustration comes from. He feels that you're doing something you shouldn't have to, due to a failing on his part. Is he explicitly against you going back to work? Or is it more like a begrudging agreement?

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Disclaimer: the numbers mean nothing to me, and I have zero financial know-how.

He saw the fact that you didn't have to work full-time as his acccomplishment, a source of pride. You can either stress that you would really like to work full-time for a while (because boredom or fulfillment or whatever reasons might be applicable), or just tighten the belt a bit and be creative with the grocery budget while working part-time. Since you are already gone back to work, I think emphasizing the non-financial reasons to work would be best. Not saying you should lie to him, just show him the positive sides of it all. Then the negatives won't weigh as heavy.

Maybe something along the linea of "it's been fun lazing around all this time, but I want to feel useful, too. It's more fun this way, and then when we do have kids, it won't be such an adaption for me to be a bit more active. I do appreciate all you did, but I think now is a really good time for me to do some personal growth. Also if I don't contribute now, it won't really feel like MY home. Let me try this for (x time) please?" (Or whatever is applicable to your situation).

Just a suggestion, might not be what he needs or wants to hear, going off what you wrote.

[–]organicsunshine0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do you have children?

[–]s4schwarzz 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

I want my wife to be like this, WOW you're awesome! I'm in the same position as your husband but a couple years younger and my girlfriend has been extremely supportive. This is definitely something you can help him with to an extent, anything most of the issues he has to fix himself. But he may not be aware of them and you might be the one to make him see. Best of luck

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do not pet the unicorns.

[–]frankreyes 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

Men here.

First, I think it's great that you want to support your husband. It seems that you love him and you care for him. My ex was not like that. Please, continue with that approach.

Having said that, your husband has a different measure of what "success" means compared to you. You are both talking about different things. He cares about money, you don't. And that's pretty clear because you say that you're doing great but then you had some credit card expenses and clients issues. And that's not great.

If you want to help him you could try understanding him. It seems that's the big challenge here.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Saying "man here" is against the rules. We also don't want to hear you complain about your ex on RPW. Leave that for TRP.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2024. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter