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I've mentioned in the past that, while my demeanor towards my SO is awesome and I do almost everything right with him and skip along beside him like a puppydog (hyperbole to convey feels. no actual skipping took place and I don't have a convincing canine impression), my demeanor towards his friends had been lacking. I would get annoyed at perceived childishness or disregard for others' schedules, and loud political banter in public. I would take on the drill-sergeant/mom persona when talking to them and treat them like idiots, trying to get them to behave.

I realized after a while that although I treated SO wonderfully, his friends were only seeing the way I was treating them, with condescension and disrespect. There was a good chance they assumed I treated SO the same way. In essence, I was making him look bad, and like he had a harpy of a girlfriend.

The next several times they gathered, I smiled, said hello, then promptly locked myself in my room to avoid saying anything mean, because I didn't trust myself to be pleasant or else seem fake.

Today I surprised myself. SO and I were studying in our bedroom when I heard a door open and close in the house. I nudged him and he went out to investigate. I heard a group go "Heeyyyyyyy!" and realized that his friends had decided to drop by, unannounced, on a school night, during finals period, with liquor in hand, to hang out with SO. Normally I would have been livid, and gone out there with a "don't you realize......" but I didn't feel any anger.

I tore off my jammies and threw on a nice house dress (classy comfy casual) in 20 seconds, put on a smile, and went out to see everyone. Said hellos, accepted hugs, took coats, asked how life was going, cleared off the messy table for them (exam week), and put on a pot of tea. They happily shared some of their liquor with me, and as soon as they settled in to play some games and asked me to join, I told them "I've got to get back to studying. Thanks though". If I didn't have exams to study for, I feel like I could have joined in on their games without going drill-sergeant this time.

No stress, no anger, minimal disruption of studying, and since SO has afternoon classes, he can stay up late if they want to, no problem. I'm off to bed so I can wake up early, but I was honestly surprised enough at my behavior that I wanted to share before bed.

Remember, how you act around his friends is probably how they think you act all the time, and it reflects on your SO. Don't be a drill sergeant.

Edited for clarification.


[–]PrettyPinkRibon8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well done. You must start somewhere, and you have. Your change of attitude and perception of the situation lifted both you and your man up.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Awesome!

Keep it up, and it'll eventually become genuine and natural for you to act that way, so you won't have to consciously make that decision every time. :)

[–]KlaiFrai 6 points6 points [recovered] | Copy Link

It's genuine now. I can't fake anything (hence the prior locking myself in my room), so tonight was a result of making peace with a lot of things, looking at stuff from other angles, and coming to a place where I can be genuinely friendly when they show up.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's fantastic, then. :)

[–]vintagegirlgame2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Instead of playing bitchy naggy mom to his friends, be the fun nurturing baking cookies kind of mom. My favorite thing to do when his friends are around is to feed them. Men are always hungry and the bachelors among them have forgotten how nice it is to have a woman cooking for them. I bring them beers or make fancy cocktails, put out h'ordourves, make a giant curry dish or chocolate fondu with fruit (so easy to make but is such a crowd pleaser.) Sometimes I'll join in the fun but sometimes I just leave food and go away so the guys can have their guy time (really important eps if you live with your man) and just come in to check if they need more beers. His friends love coming over and make comments about how they which they had a girl like me, which makes my SO glow!

[–]Sunshinelorrypop3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It may help to know the reason why these people are special despite what may seem to you like many of his friends being deeply flawed, they will likely take a bullet for your SO.

So while you may think it would be better to mingle with that couple you deem of higher status, these types of friendships are only superficial in comparison. They can't be relied on in your moment of need and there are times when they are needed.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You almost sound like a caricature of yourself the way you describe being a "skipping puppy dog" with him and a total bitch with his friends That type of incongruence screams fake to me Doesn't matter how awesome you think you are with him if you turn it on an off like that you'll end up coming off as phoney and untrustworthy Imo genuineness is worth more than forced smiles but that's just me

[–]skunchers0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Definitely. When I see my friends with that kind of GF. I generally don't really want to spend time with that girl unless I have to.

I'm not going to fake like you and be nice to you if you clearly (or veiled) have to force it with your BF'S friends.

[–]KlaiFrai 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Not fake with SO, and not fake with them last night at all. The times in the past I locked myself in my room were the times I knew I'd either slip up or look fake because I was resentful. Last night was a result of several months of trying to see things from their perspective, understand their importance in SO's life and his in theirs, and replace the resentment with compassion. I don't do fake in front of people.

[–]vintagegirlgame2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Noting wrong with fake it till you make it either.

[–][deleted] 0 points0 points | Copy Link

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