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I wanted to share with you all an example of leaning on my husband's wisdom.

I had a messy situation at work this week that was complicated, miserable, etc. I was really stressed about if what I was doing what the "right thing" in the "right way" at the "right time." Being a woman, I feel like my logic talks to me independently of my feelings. I can't quite turn off that messy feeling stuff, and in order to be effective at work, I need to be able to identify my uncomfortable feelings and set them aside and do what needs to be done.

So Friday was rough for some of the staff. I was getting ready to close, counting the cash drawer when I said to my coworker, "I'm feeling nuts right now, but when I talk to my husband tonight, I know I'll feel better. He'll be honest, and he'll put everything in perspective. He is a fantastic leader and has a lot more experience in this than I do. I know that I'll feel better after hearing from him." My coworker said, "Wow, that sounds so nice. I wish I had that." (She's a newlywed, and I'm guessing that she hasn't learned the art of surrendering yet.)

So, I went home, prepped my husband by saying, "I had a terrible day at work. I just need to talk for five minutes to give you the needed information, and then I need your wisdom." I told him the situation. I asked for his views. I also said that I worried that I wasn't cut out for management (possible promotion coming up) and that I was more than willing to bump down to part time or to quit and stay home.

He listened patiently. He reflected. He then spoke the truth and quieted my soul. He reassured me that he would let me know if my work life was interfering with my Mom/Wife life (something I have been worried about). He said, "You are a fantastic mother [to our 10 year-old], and she would tell you that if you asked her. But her opinion doesn't count. Mine does." Zing! How true.

So this is what RPW looks like in my house. It's not about being a doormat (like outsiders might think) or trying to have the perfect Stepford Wife image. It's about trusting my husband to know me, to know himself, and to have our best interests at heart and to have the wisdom to guide our family.


[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

this is a beautiful story - thank you for sharing! you seem like a sweet person and your husband sounds wonderful. i love how you honor and respect his wisdom and care, and you also honor your own intuition which said to seek his advice.

sometimes i cannot see what i need and want to see - even with my intuition, i also need the wisdom of the person who knows me best: my husband. it helps me make better decisions.

[–]cats_or_get_out 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for the kind words! It means a lot.

In the first years of our marriage, if I had a bad day at work, I'd come home and vent on and on and on. I would get mad when he tried to offer advice. It was terrible for both of us. He said that in our early years that he'd get Wife Leftovers--that the best of me went into my workday and that he got whatever wasn't used up. :-(

I have to force myself to refrain from "venting" about stupid work stuff. The way I look at it, if I'm not on the clock, I shouldn't clutter my mind with work. Plus, venting isn't as therapeutic as our culture makes it out be. When I talk to him about work, I force myself to put a boundary on the time (5 minutes) and depth (does he need all those mindless details?).

Our men want to hear us. It's just hard for them to do that when we firehose with them a million empty words at the end of the day. I now work hard to not do that.

I want to be 100% available (mentally and physically) for him. Leaning on his wisdom instead of trying to hammer out everything on my own helps me do that.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

you are a wise one! you are so right that our men want to hear us, want us to lean on them, want us to let them lead.

have you tried meditation to help with your stress? i second the other poster that mentioned mindfulness. mind-training is amazing and will transform your life. :-)

lots of love!

[–]freebumblebeeendorsed woman 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a really sweet story. Relationship goals, honestly. And I think this:

It's not about being a doormat (like outsiders might think) or trying to have the perfect Stepford Wife image.

really is so key. There was a post not long ago about how to project a happy, bubbly exterior when things are bad, and I was thinking exactly this. We're not Stepford Wives. It's okay to not be okay all the time. Thank you so much for sharing!

[–]HouseCatInfinity4 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link

Awesome story. I love coming to my SOs when I know I can't look at a situation from a logical and unbiased point-of-view. And what a perfect response from your husband! I admire how much you respect you have for your husband's ability to put things into perspective.

I'm not sure if you want this advice...but if you feel that your stress gets in the way while you're at work, I find that practicing mindfulness is a great way to detach yourself from your emotions temporarily. When you feel stressed or any negative emotion that may interfere with your ability to make quick decisions, identify the emotion, but never identify or engage with the emotion.

So, instead of thinking "I am stressed" (identifying with the emotion), it's better to say "There is a feeling of stress present in my mind." (observing the emotion, but not engaging it.) In my mind, it's like my negative emotion is sitting in a box--and not dumping the contents of that box all over the floor allows me to seal up the box and push it out of the way. It's honestly helped me stay very calm in every stressful situation at work--maybe it will work for you too!

[–]cats_or_get_out 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow! What fantastic advice! I am going to work on this during my upcoming work week. "There is a feeling of stress present in my mind" is a lot more accurate than "I'm stressed." This approach seems like something the Stoics such as Epictetus or Marcus Aurelius would have taken. Thank you for telling me about a great strategy. :-)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this, and you're totally right that this is what RPW is all about. It's so comforting to know that we can bring our problems to our men and that they can help us. I always wanted this before RP, but the relationship dynamic was never there for it (of course it wasn't!). This increased intimacy and guidance is my favorite part of being a RPW :)

[–]mrs_cto 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Amen sista!!! Thanks for sharing. I value my husband's leadership this way too. He gives me strength! I ask him what I should do often.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wonderful! I just love how my husband can ease my mind when it starts going off the charts. Isn't it just the best feeling?

[–]pizzae 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Interesting read, I definitely need to ensure that I keep gaining wisdom over these years so that when I do find a woman, I will know how to lead her properly

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing cats, you're such a great addition to our RPW family

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