Whats wrong with me? (self.asktrp)

submitted by mikerate

I thought I swallowed the pill but I can't escape this cycle of depression. 23 years old, best shape of my life, in school to make a 6 figure salary, spinning 3 plates with a good group of friends, but I still go through phases of feeling depressed.

Basically its right after sex with a plate and I just feel like "what the fuck is the point of this"

I guess you could say the only thing that I am missing is a LTR.

The problem is that I know how these girls aren't loyal and the thought of how easy they can get guys makes me feel sick and NOT want an LTR because my fantasy is unrealistic. But then deep down I want something that doesn't exist: a unicorn.

[–]Notsuru 21 points22 points  (1 child)

The fact that he didn't bring it up, himself, could be guilt or shame, it doesn't have to be something malicious. I think you know him better than any commenter might. Be strong, trust your feelings on this and commit to your relationship or end it. I believe you will do what's best for yourself.

[–]foriesg 9 points10 points  (7 children)

Why did she wait 6 years to tell you?

[–]TankMarvin 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I can only assume that there are some malicious people out there and she happens to be one of them.

People do this as "fun" and entertainment.

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

I didn't reply to the email or attempt to contact her (and don't plan to) so I don't know her exact motivation.

She contacted me on Facebook once right after we were married but she didn't make specific claims, she just wrote "don't trust him," which only creeped me out, it didn't make me deeply suspicious. I asked him about it and showed him the message, he told me she was an ex FWB but wanted more and had trouble moving on. He had me block her and I thought that was the end of it.

I'm wondering if someone we know is still in contact with her and might have told her I'm pregnant. Perhaps that prompted her to reach out? I want to believe she had good intentions.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 22 points23 points  (0 children)

:( "He had me block her" ->

That to me sounds potentially manipulative, and basically him covering his tracks. That would've been a good opportunity for him to come clean and he chose not to, and instead specifically chose to deceive.

[–]foriesg 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I feel like there was a trigger to make her contact you recently. Like maybe he recently ended it with her. It could be your pregnancy but if he moved on years ago, I can't believe she's be that invested in an affair she had years ago to still have pictures and other evidence. Trust is earned, especially after a betrayal. I think you don't believe him otherwise you wouldn't be asking for our advice.

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

She lives in another state now so I doubt he's had contact with her recently. The pictures were old/low quality but I recognized what I could see of the room (and him).

[–]foriesg 4 points5 points  (0 children)

In that case if you've not had any reason to doubt him since you've been married and the cheating was before you'll got married I would believe him. Some men consider marriage the point when they stop spinning plates. Make up in your mind you're going to forgive him and stick to it. Sounds like the woman was a petty b$tch. Especially since she brings this up years later while you're pregnant and emotional.

[–]Candicore 4 points5 points  (0 children)

EDIT: nvm this situation can be worked through. I thought it was the first year of their marriage.

[–]Candicore 16 points17 points  (1 child)

This was not an isolated incident. You said he had REPEATED sexual encounters with 2 women and 1 ONS. That is not a mistake. This was planned and INTENTIONAL.

I'm not one of those people who think "once a cheater, always a cheater". I will forgive cheating if: 1.) my husband only did it once 2.) told me immediately afterwards.

To me, this shows remorse and the fact he tells me afterwards shows honesty and willingness to face the consequences of me knowing.

Your husband, as far as I know, did it multiple times and doesn't have the decency to tell you about it until you knew 4 YEARS later. He had you thinking he was faithful to you.

Think about it this way, imagine a scenario you cheat on him. A little bit of role-reversal. Maybe it was at work with a coworker where things got heated quickly. It felt good in the moment, but afterwards, how would you feel? Would you be able to face your husband? Would you be able to bear seeing your husband smile knowing what you did to him? Would the guilt eat away at you?

Would you be able to cheat again, with the same coworker then another, and again with a ONS? I would guess your answer is no. You would never want to impose that kind of pain to your husband, the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, in sickness and health. But he did it to you.

We are human. We make mistakes. We can learn from them. I know because I did something to my SO that one can consider to be cheating. I did it because I was angry at him for something major he did. Was this justified? No. And I realized it after the fact. Afterwards, I felt like the smelliest piece of shit and I told him. I couldn't not tell him, the guilt was too much. I felt sick even though I was the one who caused him pain. I didn't want to lie to him. He cried, I cried. But he appreciated the fact that I was honest to him and now we're still together. I was the one who made a mistake and I was the one who fixed it. Suggesting therapy, being open and honest, letting him look through my phone for him to feel reassured, and being transparent all helped our relationship become stable and based on trust, despite me cheating on him.

I firmly believe in becoming a better person after making a mistake. But your husband didn't make a mistake. This was intentional because of the fact there were other occurrences of cheating. He wasn't sorry because of the fact he didn't tell you himself. Your husband is weak. He gave into his lust and wasn't strong enough to tell you.

I doubt he's telling you the whole truth, but then again I don't know you personally. I'm basing this off of the fact that he kept it a secret for such a long time. I would believe he's telling you the whole truth if he told you immediately but he didn't.

What my advice is to you, as if you're my sister or close friend, is to leave him. He's a good actor and deserves an Oscar for keeping up the act and fooling you for 4 years. You're still young and I know you're willing to give all your love and faith to. You deserve someone who'll do the same.

Ask yourself if you can be happy with him, knowing that he cheated on you several times, kept it a secret for multiple years, and fooled you into thinking he was faithful. Be honest with yourself first and foremost. If you think you can be happy with him in the future (because it will take a LONG time for the pain of cheating to fade) then keep on reading!

My advice if you insist on staying with him: - Go to therapy! A marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. It will help you both to see why he did what he did and help you with your feelings.

  • join a support group! There's a website and subreddit called Surviving Infidelity where people are experiencing the same thing as you.

  • don't rely purely on yourself to "get over it". Ask your husband to help you. He's the one who made you feel this way in the first place, he can help with damage control.

  • it's OKAY to look through his phone. Not because you're a "crazy" wife, insecure, or controlling, but because HE has to be transparent to you. You're justified to do this because he has cheated on you. I let my SO look through my phone. I even offer it to him because I know I have nothing to hide. Plus, it reassures him. Transparency and honesty is key.

I hope this helps you _^ and you can PM me if you need someone to talk to. I'm here for you! I wish you both happiness. :)

[–]TryMilkWithIce 23 points24 points  (9 children)

I know you want to forgive him because he seems remorseful, but think about it from this perspective: he was only remorseful once he got caught.

If the other woman hasn’t sent you evidence, would you have ever found out? Quite possibly no.

This means that he wasn’t honest enough to tell you himself. He didn’t feel guilty enough to tell you himself. It didn’t eat away at him enough for him to come forward, apologize, and be remorseful.

Instead, he was only sorry once you knew.

For a lot of people, there is a crucial difference between their husband making a mistake, and coming to their wives on their own. This shows that they feel guilt over their mistake, they are sorry, they want them to know and work through this together if it’s possible.

Versus someone who never comes forward on their own.

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

Do you think it's possible he could have been remorseful without telling me?

I want to believe he kept this to himself because he decided to stop when he started taking our relationship more seriously. That's essentially what he's told me during our conversations about it.

[–]Notsuru 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Guilt or shame, could have stopped him.

[–]TryMilkWithIce 6 points7 points  (1 child)

To be perfectly honest, I think the fact that he never told you shows that he wasn’t remorseful enough.

I know you must be feeling so many emotions, and as a good wife you want to think the best of your husband and not think poorly of his character. I don’t think this makes him a bad person in every facet of life, but I do think it sheds light on how he handles truly hard life problems.

Cheating is no small thing to deal with. Imagine if you had cheated - I don’t know you but based on your post, it seems like you would have been so guilt ridden you would have told your husband. You would have been ashamed and willing to do anything to make up for it. You’d want to find out if you can work through this together.

But he probably would have hid this from you forever :/

As a side note - I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by allowing your husband to essentially say he didn’t take your marriage seriously during the first year. This wasn’t the first year of your relationship (which would still be horrible), it was the first year of your MARRIAGE.

All in all, I know this must be so hard for you. You sound incredibly loving and kind, and if you want to talk about anything you can reach out. I’ve been through a few struggles on my own 🙃

[–]Candicore 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Woah, he didn't take you seriously the first year of your MARRIAGE? And his reason for stopping is that he took you more seriously? If he took you more seriously, like he said, why didn't he tell you after the first year? That is so suspect!

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

He cheated before we were married. It was the first year of our relationship.

[–]Candicore 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Ohhhhhh, although it is still bad, it is better than what I thought 😅 sorry. I stick to my original post then. This can be worked through.

[–]TryMilkWithIce 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Ooooh. Ok. Yes, still bad - but maybe 30% less bad. But I also still stand by everything I said about him not feeling sorry enough to tell you and work through it with you.

[–]Candicore 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with the not feeling sorry enough to tell OP, even if it was the first year of the relationship.

[–]TankMarvin 11 points12 points  (4 children)

I'm seriously concerned with the fact he didn't tell you. His lack of honesty would make me question what else he is hiding.

You keeping your vagina to yourself isn't an excuse to cheat. He's just a douche.

Edit- spelling

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

We've talked about it a few times and he's said he considered telling me but he thought I was better off not knowing. I realize that sounds bad but I tend to believe that was why he kept this from me (which might also sound bad).

I feel like he deserves some credit for being honest when I asked him about it and he also shared more information with me (about other women). He's willing to talk to me and he's answered my questions too. It doesn't excuse his dishonesty but I believe he's trying to make up for it now.

We've had a good marriage otherwise and, honestly, I kind of wish I didn't know (or at least found out before/after I was pregnant, I think my hormones are making this worse).

[–]TankMarvin 4 points5 points  (2 children)

It's a difficult thing to hear, I feel for you.

Its great he's been honest, but this is something you'd be telling someone before the wedding, not after, I mean not a total disclosure but a time to admit your faults etc?

He should have been honest with you because then it would be a mistake, instead he hid it from you and caused your pain because you found out from someone else.

Also did you say other women?

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

I agree, it would have been better coming from him, but I would still feel the way I do. I'm trying to avoid over analyzing the past because there's nothing we can do to change anything.

Also did you say other women?

Yes, there was a total of 3 women he slept with during our first year together. One contacted me, he told me about the others.

[–]TankMarvin 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Right so it was not really a mistake, it was calculated and he didn't give a fig about you. I always have found that when the number of "mistakes" go from 1 to anything above then it's likely that number is higher. I am saying this from personal experience and my husband's best friend being a cheater in 90% of his relationships.

You need to sit down and think about what you want, what your expectations are and what your next step would be in the best case (it is only 3 and it was only during the first year) or worst case the number will creep up again/he'll do it again in the future.

E.g so I will accept this, work to resolve it within myself,i expect my partner to do full diaclosure and try to move on (dont go into details of who how etc) however if I find out it's happened again or the number goes up then I am going to leave (this would be mine if I was in your shoes but obviously I am not you so yours will read differently).

It's hard to have this when you're pregnant I truly understand my (ex)boyfriend of half a decade cheated on me and I found out whilst pregnant. It's truly painful and difficult to get you're head around it

[–]Ketogainsmongoose 1 points1 points [recovered]

Life is about struggle. How we cope with it determines our quality of life.

Sometimes, that struggle entails pain. When faced with this price, you need to ask yourself if they payoff is worth the pain.

The man who made a great partner to you is the same man who cheated. There's no "otherside." It's a package deal.

Now the question is, do you torture yourself until you get over it and stay with him? Or do you cast him out and divorce him with a retirement package?

Ultimately, either outcome will have its on trials, but only one will keep you with the man you've grown with. After all, you're a cut above the rest if he literally put his financial life in your hands.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's what you want, not what others tell you to do. Make the choice you can live with. These people on this forum won't be there to live your life after the dust settles.

[–]gemmv 1 points1 points [recovered]

I think my husband and our marriage are worth dealing with whatever I'm going through now. I'm not considering divorce.

I just need to find a better way to deal with it.

Thank you.

[–]Ketogainsmongoose 1 points1 points [recovered]

Cope by knowing that he is coming into the dawn of the best years of his life and you're coming into the sunset years of yours by redpill standards.

How you've described him, he seems committed to see this through with you. I would caution taking that for granted as many posters here seem to be on the side of some form of retribution.

Women are vindictive by nature. This women reaching out did not do so out of compassion, of that I can guarantee. If I had to guess, I'd say it was out of jealousy- because what you have with this man is valuable regardless of these "transgressions."

To illustrate my point here about the package deal- my father is ill and I take time off work to care for him. I work hard because my father enjoys the fruit of my labor. Naturally, this makes me a very productive employee to my company.

My company, though they are aware of my home life, constantly push for more out of me because of how productive I am. This is logical: If I work more for them, logically I would provide more value to them.

What they cannot know is that I'm productive because of my dad's situation, and the time off I take care of him. Essentially, they want to kill the goose that laid the golden egg. If I don't care for my father, then I won't be emotionally invested in my work. Period.

You have to take the crooked with the straights. Sometimes, the ugliness in an otherwise beautiful picture is needed to provide contrast.

The star shines brightest when surrounded by darkness. Accept your husband for who he is or don't. Your expectations for the relationship are heavily influenced by the culture, which I think we can all agree on are stacked against men from the get go. If you love this man like you say you do, adjust your expectations to accommodate him.

If your husband provides you a home, stability, resources, and commitment, Cherish it. Men are polygamous in nature, and if he's taking steps to control that in a healthy way without jeopardizing his earning potential or his commitment to you, what more can you ask for?

I know this may seem like a tall order to fill, but I'm only illuminating how it is, not how we wish it to be. The choice is ultimately yours if you can move past this.

Don't let some jealous thot get in between you and your mate. He certainly didn't, after all, he came back to you time again.

Take care.

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This community does not tell women that they must accept cheating, or justify cheating as acceptable or the concealment of infidelity as a compassionate act.

Valuing the bond of marriage and commitment does not require the acceptance of infidelity and dishonesty.

[–]Rivkariver 1 points1 points [recovered]

Sometimes I just feel sad on RPW because I feel like people think this sub is "why the woman is always the problem." We can clean up our side, but if someone is treating us badly to this extent you can't fix it and undo by your own self improvement. I personally don't think anyone deserves to put up with a cheater, it's a major dealbreaker for me. This philosophy isn't about how relationship issues are all our fault. It's about keeping marriages and LTRs that are solidly founded. It's about not messing it up. You can't make a wet kitten into a lion, I think.

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What outsiders think of the community is irrelevant. The community emphasizes personal accountability because it is the most effective way to prevent issues (vetting) and resolve them.

Although the preservation of relationships are encouraged as often as possible, especially when the woman is married, no one advises women to accept chronic lying or cheating or destructive behavior that risks personal safety.

Your comment has been removed for now. Your point is valid, but in it's current form, it disparaged the community, which violates the sub rules.

You may rephrase things so that it positively explains the actual purpose of the sub, while pointing out how others misunderstand the purpose and focus of the community.

[–]vintagegirlgame 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Look up Esther Perel, she's an expert on infidelity and helping couples deal with cheating and affairs in a productive way. She has amazing TED talks and other videos/interviews, plus books "Mating in Captivity" and "The State of Affairs."

[–]TryMilkWithIce 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Edit - posted my response in the wrong place lol 😅

[–]BlaueBlumeFreiheit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What does he bring to the table? Lies, dishonesty and draining your shared resources? Or does he feel true remorse, stops trickle truth, any contact and becomes completely accountable and transparent to you?

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think you're being a doormat by following your instincts. I think the questions other commenters raise are very important, namely:

-How remorseful did he feel after he cheated?

-Has he ever cheated again?

-Would he ever have confessed if you didn't find out?

-Were these mistakes an aberration or part of some larger pattern of disrespect and deceit?

But only YOU can answer then, and you must reach a place of strong internal certainty. If you need your husband to offer special additional transparency in order to reach that place, I think that's acceptable.

[–]girlpearl 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Okay so I've been in this exact situation with my SO. We've been together five years, he cheated a few times in the first.

Pros: All of the things you say about him seem to outweigh his mistakes imo when reading. My SO hasn't cheated since his mistakes because he feels that our love is truly at the point where he just wouldn't do it again. It could be similar to how yours feels about it. I certainly feel like I've made the right decision.

Cons: I feel as if most of the pain of him cheating on me is now mostly faded and I really only feel the pain in certain triggering situations such as an ex hitting him up or something like that. The fact that you still feel the pain very strongly after 7 years with him being good is concerning. Everyone goes through it differently however if you're still effected by it daily when he is currently and has been good since these incidents, then that's a big indication you gotta either work on it more in dept or reconsider your future relationship with him.

These are my pros and cons based on my experience in comparison. TO ME he sounds lovely, lots of guys cheat early on in future serious relationships, it's pretty normal. The not normal thing though is if you still feel all the pain from it and you're just trying to get by. You deserve to not feel that dragging you down. You gotta do whatever it takes to not feel that. You either gotta realize that he loves you in a different stronger way than he did the first year of your relationship or you gotta let yourself take the steps into either talking with him about how you feel or considering leaving him and being with someone who hasn't cheated on you.

I wish you and your feelings the best. It's really hard but it's really worth it no matter what you choose. I wish your life happy.

[–]SerafinaLorelei 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Hello OP.

It does sound like he had a past that he feels guilty and ashamed of, which could be why he is this omnibenevolent being in your life, always good, compassionate and understanding. Perhaps he has seen too much hurt, distrust and bad stuff that can happen with toxic people and toxic relationships probably, and that maybe why he is drawn to your sense of naivety ("we always want what we can't have"). So maybe the reason why he didn't tell you was because he wanted to be the ideal husband to an ideal wife that you are in his life.

If you pursue this and wake up Mr Hyde, you might never see Dr Jekyll ever again. That being said, maybe he also needs to learn how to trust more, and probably doesn't believe you could love the ugly side to him (there are many men with similar mentalities). So that's probably why he couldn't tell you about the past.

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace[M] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You make a lot of assumptions about this OP's husband when you cannot possibly know one way or the other.

Focus on what can be reasonably deduced. Reply to me after you have edited your comment. I will review and re-approve if appropriate.

Edit: Your comment is now visible.

[–]SerafinaLorelei 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I have edited my comment. Please review and re-approve if appropriate.